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2003may04. I am on vacation. I am in the York City, New side. Soon I will be in Michigan, where, from what I understand, [boring jab at Michigan deleted]. A quick update of the trip checklist:

Drove through a tree
Berated by stripper
Drove through snowstorm
Transferred lines on the subway five times for one trip
Coney Island: closed
Rats! Rats!
In-car subway beggar
Stale pretzels from street vendors
Times Square (it’s shiny)
Asked for directions by tourists
Saw burned stuffed bobcat with hat on face
Parrot doing cell phone imitation
Ko Tze carrier pigeon whistles
Truckload of pancakes
Marty Allen on Hollywood Squares, JetBlue DirecTV (“Hello dere”)

2003may14. The new-to-me Midwest local TV news trend is to have a male and a female anchor practically back to back in an above-the-waist shot during all news commercials as if they’re going to pull out guns and take on the world even though they’re going to talk about somebody’s dog winning the lottery and then going on life support or some shit.

This was the small thing that I decided to write about during my vacation. I really did drive through a tree.

2003may14. Soosan drove through the tree first, though. It was her rental, which drove like a boat. I wanted to drive the boat through the tree backward but I didn’t think of it until like twenty-five miles later.

2003may14. Drive Through Tree.

2003may16. Spam email subject lines. You’d think they’d filter out “housemaster” so the titles weren’t glaringly obviously spamly.

Housemaster, Speeding toward middle age
Housemaster, Like to watch the top CATV programs vk iiepwwrdbz to
Housemaster, growing old
Housemaster, Xanax
Housemaster, Nothing to LOSE! FREE Mortgage Analysis! breezy
Housemaster, grow old
Housemaster, Get Diazepam
Housemaster, Increasing Human Lifespan Potential
Housemaster, digital cable viewers must see this
Housemaster, when I start to wrinkle
Housemaster, Would You Like a Free Bottle of Max-Girth? alleviate
Housemaster, Valium ayk luy
Housemaster, Would You Like to Have Better Health Care?? appian

2003may16. During my travels, I was introduced to the wonders of Cynar, an artichoke-flavored aperitif made in Italy. The taste is interesting because there are two “levels” – at first, it’s got this loathsome bitter flavor, which can be washed away with most anything, but then it kicks into overdrive at the back of your tongue and the horror just won’t let go, no matter what you pour down your throat to erase it. Cynar, won’t you let go? Cynar?

Of course the piratey suffix was emphasized.

Please drink responsibly. Aperitifs are alcoholic beverages taken as appetizers before a meal. In theory.

2003may20. David Cross on The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players ... the family needs crash space July in L.A., won’t you please give?

2003may22. I am at the MIT Media Lab. I am working the system from the inside. Here, it is 2017. At home, it is 1996. It is making me dizzy.

2003may27. I am back from my trip. One of the items on my agenda was to check out Freelancer’s Union, mentioned on a poster I saw while riding back to JFK. And lo, and lo ... Corporate Mofo has a bit on it. [via fark] Also, JetBlue needs to activate that credit card reader next to the in-seat 25-channel DirecTV monitor, Animal Planet was not helping me overcome my little heavy-screaming-during-turbulence problem.

2003may27. I saw the Bridgeport Bluefish stadium from the train as I cooked over to NYC from Boston. Couldn’t see the sign very well, but I was excited about the potential of having a fish as a baseball mascot. Although he is comically somehow able to hold a bat (at least with bears, tigers, etc, it’s somewhat plausible, if huge buckets of bonding glue were involved), his expression seems overly mean, like he’s just finished whaling on your grandma. There will be no purchasing of ancillary merchandise. Go Bluefish!

2003may27. “Oh man, dudes! I got the keys to mom’s car tonite! Let’s get all likkered up and drive erratically!”
“Dude!”
“Dude, that is so choice! It is a selection which I am prepared to make!”
“Wait a second, fellows. Perhaps we should consider what would happen should we get into an alcohol-impaired automobile accident.”
“Dude?"
“I have a copy of the groundbreaking piece of software Fatal Reflections ® installed on my personal computer. Let’s take digital photographs of each of us and load them into one of six available ‘crash scenarios.’“
[later]
“Whoooaaaa, look at my gaping head wound!”
“Rotate it!”
“Dude, that is so choice!”
[very special thanks to Carl Jr.]

2003may27. Praise : My son tried it , and he is well chuffed!!!

2003may27. That doctored photo snafu involving the London Evening Standard keeps getting better and better. It’s Newsvision 2003.

2003may28. Gestural Engineering: The Sculpture of Arthur Ganson.

2003may29. One of the foodual highlights of the trip, far surpassing the never-on-the-menu garlic spread at various middle eastern restaurants, was banana pakora at an Indian joint. I don’t think it’s available around here. Watch for it.

2003may29. Silke Tudor: Dicewalkin'.

2003may30. Allegra fexofenadine HCl promotional pamphlet (for kids 6-11 years).

Side effects with Allegra 30 mg are low and may include headache, cold, coughing, or accidental injury.

2003may31. The new season of The Amazing Race on CBS features a pair of professional clowns. Thus, it is time to once again pull out this old chestnut: The Truth About Clowns by Sean Tejaratchi.