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2003jul03. There is someone in the apartment complex directly across from ours that plays a certain musical composition that I believe is called “Get Your Freak On” over and over again.

Get Your Freak On.

Get Your Freak On.

I Implore You To Get Your Freak On.

Surely, By Now, Everyone Within A Twelve-Block Radius Has Gotten Their Damned Freak On Already So Let’s Move Onto Something Else You Kids Of Today Are Listening To Today Oh I Don’t Know How About That Spritely Rudy Vallee Fellow He’s Certainly Got The Pulse Of America Wrapped Around His Little Megaphone-Clutching Finger.

2003jul03. That’s another thing about leaving. I never got an earthquake better than a 3.7. I want my state-of-emergency earthquake and I want it now. Or by August, I know you can’t just overnite these things.

2003jul04. Heat Vision & Jack intro. HV&J was a failed TV pilot starring Jack Black, Ron Silver, and Owen Wilson as Heat Vision, “the motorcycle with the mind of Jack’s unemployed roommate.”

2003jul05. An Open Letter to the Next Generation of American Filmmakers.

2003jul06. Driving down the coastal highway, from, say, the Sutro Bath ruins/Cliff House area of San Francisco, you will encounter a few flashing signs that read:

Today one of them was half-dead.



2003jul06. The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players is appearing again at Cafe Du Nord (SF) on July 19th. Cafe Du Nord is not slideshow-friendly, so if you’re less than six feet tall I recommend you get their early and stake out some space in the front. TTFSP is the sort of act that could ask the audience to all sit down on the floor, and it would happen nicely and everyone could then see, but there was no request at the last show and people went hungry for the slides that accompanied/inspired the music. Also if you use Ticketweb print out your confirmation page and bring it with you, like I didn’t and almost didn’t not get un-in.

2003jul06. Talk To Me NYC pair calling it quits. [via new jack almanac]

2003jul07. Spam email subject line:

Meet someone special – to bang

2003jul08. Playin’ at Zou Zou’s. Better put on the ole’ “kick me” sign.

2003jul09. Every party needs a President. Advice from Ray, the cartoon cat of Achewood.

Anyhow, if some guy is trying to muscle in on an established relationship then he’s just a garden-variety sociopath and should be omitted from your life. If your girl is genuinely too dumb to see him for what he is, then get rid of her too. Maybe someday after the dude goes insane and has a transsexual operation they’ll both wind up in the same prison and poison each other with D-Con. Just a thought.

2003jul12. I like the Dong Resin.

Look motherfucker, you don’t need a Humvee.
Not at all.
Not even the pretty yellow one.

You’re a dentist, not the right leg of Voltron.

2003jul17. Achewood.

2003jul19. I have written the hot new dance craze for summer 2003. It is called “The Cheez-It.”

Rock it
Jump the bass
Etcetra, etcetra
Doin’ the robot
No, the Cheez-it
Funky Cheez
It’s a breeze
Entries like this take days of concentration.

2003jul19. I am typing at my little computer with a very curvey radio sitting on my lap. It makes nice noises, it’s warm, it’s shaped for my hands. I’m feeling very maternal. And then an Elton John song comes on. ELTON JOHN IS MY SECRET RO-BOT BABY

2003jul20. Today is a ducks kind of day. Need the ducks.

2003jul20. How To Be Calm.

2003jul21. UPS and the fantasy “brokerage fee.”

2003jul21. I had a job, a long, long time ago, packing up crappy scale models of various space ships and dragons and whatnot. Once a day, the UPS truck would show up and we’d all do the bucket brigade to get the stuff on the truck. The UPS guy was at the end of the line. Yeah, it was like this.

2003jul21. “Most Extreme Elimination Challenge” is an hour-long re-dubbed Japanese game show (“Takeshi’s Castle”) that appears on TNN every Thursday and Saturday at 6pm (with some kind of mini-marathon on August 2nd and 3rd). The game show featured very over-the-top physical challenges and there’s lots of head-cracking and body-whacking. The dubs are completely made-up with comedy styling and somehow are sometimes funny.

2003jul21. Flatbed digital camera [via cockeyed]

2003jul21. No more bananas. We finally really did it. You maniacs! You blew it up! Goddamn you! Goddamn you all to hell. [via molly]

2003jul22. Item.

Pizza Face. Perfect for spooky decoration or gags. Combination pizza is pepperoni, mushroom, olives, and scared-to-death face! Nearly 13 inches of latex fun. Box not included, but you can save one from your next real pizza. HC-27306 Rubber Pizza $12.98

2003jul23. It is time for a celebration! It is celebration time! We are all celebrating Doc’s move to Google Ads, which is apparently (go figure) much more pleasant to deal with than his previous advertising service. All you have to do is go over to deuceofclubs.com and click on an ad at the top of the page. It will take only a second or two, but the effect is cumulative, like those clouds. It helps pay his hosting bill. Thank you kindly.

2003jul23. Pills & Remedies by Dana Wyse. [via mimi smartypants]

2003jul25. Hunter: The Big Darkness.

2003jul25. Mail.

Super mega show idea!!!!!!!! Hello my name is Barnaby Estrella and people call me the unstoppable fingerman why because I have a extraordanary talent with my fingers. My extraordanary talent is I could do pushups with my fingers ways, forms, and positions that no body o life in this intire planet could do for example I could do pushups with one finger only one finger touching the floor and also I could do pushups with one pinked only one pinked touching the floor. I created 20 differents ways how to do my finger pushups that for a humanbean is imposible. Thats only 50 percent of my extraordanary talent my other 50 percent is performing incredible stunts with my body. I have a super mega show idea for a show promoter or a producer. My show idea is well have challengers around the world trying to do the imposible beat me and plus with my incredible stunts performance the show will be unstoppable. This show will be one of the most interesting shows in history why who can stop the unstoppable finger! man!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you.

Need show promoter or producer

Super mega irrelevant rejection email!!!!!11!!!1

I can stop the unstoppable finger! man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because I am the unmovable toe! man!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My toe show is extra-ordinary, no one can do with my toes what I do with my toes. I can do “toe push-ups” wherein the toe itself is doing a little tiny push-up (you'll need to “zoom in” on that) and that for a human bean is impossible my friend, implausible! But that’s only 50% percent of my total talent package the other 50% percent is turning my body into a STUNTSPACULAR! that will keep Mr. and Mrs. toe-tappin’ and hootin’ and also hollerin'. There would be challengers from around the world who would have to get to the STUNTSPACULAR studio and we would film them doing this and there would be different challenges that the teams would face and they would have to overcome adversity and maybe two of them could be virgins and then all the teams that performed their roadblocks and fast-forwards would face my toes, all of them, the unstable toe set. This show will be twelve of the most interested shows in all of historical why who can it be now? STUNZSPACELURM!!!! THAT’S WHO!

Need reality headkick

2003jul25. Looks like Penn is back on the writing horse. That’s the secret term writers use. Writer’s Horse. I had to pay a guy to find out.

2003jul26. The Olive Garden Rant. This stuff is so absolutely alien to me now, I forget that it gets under other people’s craw. I watch commercials on TV and when I’m not cringing with the finger on the “mute” button and looking anywhere but at the screen I sort them into yes/no bins according to whether or not I'll ever be remotely interested in buying the product and it’s all “no no no no no GOD NO no no WTF was that no no no” and of course there are so many ads everywhere it’s starting to feel like there are two realities, the reality of my life and the reality of What Is To Be Consumed. I am, apparently, no longer a target demographic, thank God.


2003jul30. Terrorist Futures Market shot down.

“There is something very sick about it,” she said. “And if it’s going to end, I think you ought to end the careers of whoever it was thought that up. Because terrorists knowing they were planning an attack could have bet on the attack and collected a lot of money. It’s a sick idea.”
Perhaps that was the whole point of the exercise. Combine it with TIA, track down the big bets.