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2003jan01. Six pops, over and over and over again. It’s good to know so many of my fellow citizens are armed to the teeth. This is what happens when you outlaw fireworks - people buy guns to bring in the new year.

2003jan07. Intellectualize rap.

2003jan09. If you purchased a compact disc between the years of 1995 and 2000, you can determine if you’re the million-dollar winner by licking it. Some of them you have to snap in half to reveal the prize, so do both, just in case.

2003jan11. U.S. government to seize Iraq oil just for showing up, hanging out for awhile. Man, did that come out of left field. But see, it’s not a war for oil, it’s war spoils. Or rather, it’s like a charge on Iraq’s account because NEVER MIND JUST GRAB THAT SWEET DELICIOUS CRUDE OH MERCY ME

2003jan13. MISSION CRITICAL INFORMATION. Your contributions are required at a new website. [via excitement machine]

2003jan14. Article on Nigerian email scam.

Secret Service agents went after 250 suspected African scammers operating out of the United States last year, involving – get this – $85.5 million in losses.

That means the average victim handed over no less than $342,000 to the scammers to keep the bogus money-transfer scheme in play.

Nice math. Nowhere in the article does it state that each scammer was only able to take one victim.

2003jan15. Defective Yeti calls up Maury Povich. Nice one, out of the park.

2003jan16. This American Life: Secret Government. [link goes to RealAudio]

2003jan22. The Mixerman Diaries. Extremely long, utterly hilarious account of Crap Rock-n-Roll Band #729413 as they stumble through the recording process. Excellent for blowing away the working day. The diary shifts location to New York and continues here. Is it true? Who are all of these losers? Is this really one band, or a compilation of several groups? When does the movie come out? These are all questions. [via jwz]

2003jan24. "This prison-made furniture is counterfeit!!!!"

2003jan24. National Pie Day. I have missed National Pie Day. I like the suggestions: “MAKE PIE” ... “pie heritage” ... “EAT MORE PIE” ... “DO PIE STUFF” ... I want to be on the American Pie Council. I could sit behind a large desk with twelve phones ringing at all times.

“Uh huh ... yes ... well, make more pies, then. More.”
“We have a crisis in pie sector seven-alpha-tango"
“GOOD LORD THE FROST PROBABILITIES FOR TEXAS ARE THROUGH THE ROOF!!!! GET SOME BLANKETS FOR THOSE PEACH TREES, SOLDIER!”
“Glomph glomph mmmphrrr"
“Look, you’re my secretary. I’m the president of the American Pie Council. There are no pies on my desk. You figure it out.”
“PIE!!!!”

2003jan24. Somebody picked up their mail from a p.o. box and then left it at the post office. It was on top of some California tax forms – it was probably one of those things Donald Norman calls “The Oopsie Daisy Substitution Error Whoa Thingie.” Anyway, I’m walking it back to the clerk and the name hits me like something would hit you with a lot of force – it’s Guy Kawasaki’s mail. Even CEOs have brain dumps sometimes. Unless it was a courier of some sort who dropped the ball. In that case, my recovery fee is one delicious pie.

2003jan25. Doc writes in, piely:

There is a place called Pietown. They have pies there. not much more than pies. not even pies, on the day we were there. it was x-mess, & Pietown was closed. no pie for me. sucked, because i had really worked up a hunger for pie, & there’s nothing (00000000000) else around Pietown.

Experience the magic of Pietown yourself one day. Experience it.

2003jan26. Nuke Iraq. That anyone is even thinking of this curdles the soul. Maybe they’ll accidentally bomb all of the depleted uranium. Not mentioned: Clinton flipped the “retaliatory only” nuke switch to “off” as part of his own compassionate term, so once war is declared (does that happen anymore?), it’s “green light” for horror.

“How the hell am I supposed to cap those oil wells, it’s radiation city out there!”
“Listen Red, it’s safe. Remember how we sent those soldiers into Hiroshima a few hours after the blast? Same thing. Here, take these magical gloves.”

2003jan27. Yesterday I visited my favorite place in the entire world, Bean Hollow State Beach. If you’ve driven down the coast you’ve probably missed the small turn-off for this secluded area. The “two coves” bit mentioned at that starved little web page is important. To get to the Southernmost cove, you have to step over the parking lot curb at the point closest to the ocean and clamber down the amazing tafoni formations. Check out the tidepools (low tide is best for this) and wet hiding places between rocks – that’s where the crabs like to skitter and blow bubbles (if you’re extremely quiet and the tide is low, you can hear them). If you’re the patient sort you'll find other interesting marine life including starfish and the wily sea lion. The Northernmost cove (there’s some stairs leading down to it; you can’t get from one to the other, they’re separate) features millions of colorful tiny pebbles that you aren’t supposed to take. I use this cove as a back-up when the other cove is at high tide, but if you continue North up the beach you can still find little tide pools and rock formations. On your way to Bean Hollow make sure to stop at Three Amigos in Half Moon Bay and pick up some ceviche/horchata.

2003jan27. Gulf War 2 game. High-larious. You'll need Flash and also it’s quite loud. There’s not much to the “game” element, let’s just say it’s an occasionally interactive cartoon.

2003jan29. Looking on the net for Muybridge images, I ran across the Horse Bike of Burning Man 1998. Truly the best visual that year ...

2003jan29. You’re signing up for hot product swapping action at Swappington’s! You’re using my username (“rootbot” – that’s a robot that likes root beer {duh}) as a reference, so I get delicious bonus points! You’re so nice.

2003jan29. Great Philip Greenspun travel diary (US/Canada/Mexico) [via robot wisdom]

2003jan30. What is this ad all about? “Yahoo Group SMS: While other chocolate milk glasses are half-full and the chocolate milk is sort of leaning one way, your chocolate milk glass will be leaning one way half-full and the chocolate milk will be upright, or maybe your chocolate milk glass will be emptied, then cleaned, and laid on its side. Yahoo Group SMS.”

2003jan30. Digging the title of this PBS series: "Sandwiches That You Will Like.” I need to go travelling, that’s when the gustatory gloves come off. “A turducken/deep-fried Mars bar malted? Two, please.” [via looka]

2003jan31. Museum of Food Anomalies [via fireland somehow]

2003jan31. Mail.

Hello,
My name is Tony. I am very interested in turning down my own pool cue in shop class. I have ran into a very big problem though. I have called every cue supplier and repair store I know of and none of them have the center joint of the pool cue. I have even went so far as to try to make one myself but never succeeded. If you could give me the name of a supplier that would carry the center joint I would appreciate it very much. Thank you for your time.

Tony C.

Tony:

I’m glad you contacted me first, as I am known throughout the kingdom as The Guy Who Can Give You The Name Of A Supplier So You Can Turn Down Your Own Pool Cue In Shop Class. You are known as The Guy Who Doesn’t Include His Own Email Address When Asking Random People To Provide Him With Information They Neither Have Or Care To Research. In any event, it is now time for me to talk about my own experiences in shop class, in junior high school. Is this right, Tony? Should junior high schoolers be given the opportunity to use powerful digit-mangling machines to create wooden plant holders shaped like antique “ringer” washing tubs? I used a welding torch, Tony. Have you seen what happens when one junior high schooler taps another junior high schooler on the shoulder and he turns around, fists full of flame? The other kid gets a blister on his arm the size of a mouse, and he picks at it while we watch a 50’s-era cartoon safety film. Drill presses, lathes, belt sanders, jittering jig saws, all going at the same time, run by a crew of screwy thirteen-year-olds. My most precious memory of those safety-minded days was watching a fellow student somehow (A) light a paper airplane on fire (B) throw it and (C) grab a fire extinguisher while chasing the plane, spewing the entire contents all over the room. I like to think that’s when the shop teacher had the nervous breakdown, but it probably happened a month later, during the Great Throwing Of All The Drafting Table Mats Out The Window Controversy.

2003jan31. Cell phone becomes tele-graph.

2003jan31. Greg Palast on IMF, Globalization.

2003jan31. Mail.

This is just to say your candy cig page brought back some serious memories – trying to mock my dad and how he smoked. I would let the candy cig hang from my lip while i played. I cant believe how different the times are now. Surely a huge lawsuit would ensue should someone try that today.

Thanks
Susan

They’re still called “candy cigarettes” in a few places, but most confectioneries have caught on to the hot new trend of calling the product “Candy Sticks,” like the “Space Man” candy sticks from New Zealand that the BigRiggers brought back from New Zealand recently (one NZ coin has a really great Maori mask). In this case, the tips are still daubed in red food coloring to simulate a lit cigarette, though how one can smoke in space is probably something RJR is still struggling with at this very moment.