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2003apr01. Airplane lands in San Jose with probable SARS-infected passengers. Solution: leave it on the tarmac. Boy do I smell lawsuits, esp. if someone picks up SARS that hadn’t had symptoms before the quarantine. “Health officials are trying to determine what to do next.” Wow. Way to have a plan.

2003apr01. Bone Art. [via brody]

2003apr02. Rent is due this month as well? [rolls eyes]

Kem playing cards
McSweeney’s #4
21 or 22 Spy magazines
KLF Kylie Said to Jason CDS

2003apr05. Andreas Gursky at SFMOMA

2003apr06. Screw Maximo, I just want to know more about those cute little hypodermic needles on the stage. “Collect all six Maximo immunization cards!” “Yayyyyyyyy – AAAAHHH!!!” That name again: MAXIMO!

2003apr06. Another delicious episode of TV Go Home is available at the url “http colon slash slash www dot tvgohome dot com.”

2003apr11. Deuce of Clubs in Iraq

2003apr11. Ricky Jay: on time.

2003apr11. Imagine the worst-case scenario on how potential Hollywood scripts are evaluated. No, it’s much worse than that. Currently hot:

Pet Store is about a pet shop. All the animals talk, and there’s an evil cockatoo who hacks into the owner’s computer, somehow getting the store’s bank to foreclose. Now the animals are finding a way to fight back.
Even better: the author has a property under development (the MIT vs. casinos story; note that that article and this one both have cheezo 80s Playboy fake posed (fake and posed) party photos that make me want to find the cameraman and kill).

2003apr12. God, I have a headache. I just booked five thousand travel segments. Anyway, from the end of April to the end of May, I'll be in Portland, New York City, Boston, and Detroit, which some call the “Motor” city. Mostly travelling by prison bus, it’s cheaper than flying but you have to travel in handcuffs so the other prisoners don’t know you’re not one of them. Then there’s another punchline, right after the previous sentence, it’s like taking the whole thing to a higher level. Which reminds me, I watched a ESL videotape entitled “Blasting Your Accent Away So You Talk Like Dumb Americans” or something like that – the tape was so sample worthy, I think I’m just going to copy the whole thing and put it in the permanent archive. It’s a gem.

The chicken tasted terrible the other day!

The chicken tasted terrible the other day!

Perhaps I'll come out with my own videotape. It'll be like “Roxanne’s Revenge” but ESL-style.
We give the bad chicken only to foreigners!

We give the bad chicken only to foreigners!

Good.

That’s another thing. The instructor says “good” a few times after pausing a bit for the viewer to follow along. So I spoke really poorly and backward – he still said “good.” This tape is defective. This tape is defective!

2003apr12. The Idler: Crappy jobs.

2003apr12. I went to Una Mas and the guy there was all like “we don’t have pinto beans, would you like black beans” and I was all like whatever. [via a machine that generates excitement]

2003apr12. The Idler. The Sweet Smell of Failure. Similar to “crap job,” and yet much funnier because these things will never happen to you. The more amusing entries are toward the bottom.

2003apr13. Jack the Signalman. [via doc]

2003apr13. Monkey lab tests [via fark]

The monkeys are at the stage now where they will be looking at pictures of their group mates and determining if they are their friends or foes.
I’ve been saying this for years - monkey reality shows are inevitable. Are you ready?
Chim Chim: “I think the values that I bring to the tribe are intelligence, physical prowess, and picking nits. Right now it’s anybody’s ballgame.” [spooky music plays]

2003apr15. Bat Call.

2003apr15. Enoch Soames drops in.

2003apr18. Parken Ward Brown: the interview.

2003apr20. Translation problems [ 1 2]. [via geisha asobi]

Like looking, appearance is man. But a basis is since it is a whale. A hair style is quite a sperm whale.

2003apr21. This is ... one person? Winona Ryder, ladies and gentlemen, Winona Ryder. [via molly]

2003apr23. In the original gold rush, most of the gold unearthed by the miners eventually found its way to supply companies, bars, and prostitutes, yee-haw. Now you can watch the loot from the dot com rush parade by as it’s liquidated through one of the first dot coms of the new bubble, Auctiondrop. “Drop your stuff off with us and we'll auction it on ebay!” [1] idea [2] ... [3] profit!