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2002sep01. Cockeyed: How Much Is Inside The Stockton Tunnel?

2002sep04. I went back to Pinnacles with some friends this weekend, and we came in on the West side. Much more picturesque. The hike was shorter as well, which is a bonus in 101-degree weather. Then we went to the Santa Cruz boardwalk and watched change fall out of the pockets of people riding one of those insane loop-de-loop rides. I can’t remember the name, but they had the same ride at the State Fair with a different name: “Evolution.” Which is probably the best name for a ride like that. “Well, well, here we are ... ” I haven’t seen any mention of “fatballs” here on the West Coast, it was a staple of county/state fairs back home in Hilltucky. Let me crazy!

2002sep07. I have taken the time to write down some proverbs that may help you in your day-to-day travails. Do not look askance upon free advice; it may lead you to the best of all possible worlds if its application is thorough and consistent.

1.) It does no good to defend territory that is occupied by others most of the day.

2.) The squirrel that sits on the fence and makes noises all the time will soon be the unhappy squirrel.

3.) Do you remember the broom? Oh, that’s right – you didn’t like the broom.

4.) The shutting up period of indefinite length will begin now. Now. NOW.

5.) That’s it, fucker. Bristletime.

2002sep08. Your dad was much smoother at this, he really put on a show.

2002sep08. TZEDAKAH BOX WITH KAPARAH (ATONEMENT) FOWL IN MIND

2002sep09. If anyone knows of any source for clear photo pages that are around 8.5x11 inches and most likely have standard three-ring binder holes (though I could punch my own, I’m that kind of DYI guy), please let me know. I’ve seen some but they’re thick plastic quality overkill for professional presentations (read: “$”).

2002sep13. "FBI Tactical Carpet #2173a has been deployed, sir.”

2002sep13. As long-time readers of this journal are aware, around this time every year I compose my “Ode To Autumn.” It is a small token of my appreciation for the colors and majesty of the season, it being the most regal and enjoyable of the four.

Leaves fall
on my ass

2002sep14. Cockeyed: Did You Put The Balls In Before Or After It Rolled Over? Contest

2002sep15. "Fight and decisively win multiple, simultaneous major theatre wars.” Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, disgusting subhuman trash.

2002sep18. Mr. Tea.


extracted from an ad-laden 1907 UK copy of The Jungle

2002sep18. Haw haw funny Air Traffic Control jokes. Note: I can’t get even one of those live ATC links to work. [via 24h drive-thru weblog]

2002sep19. Ahoy, mateys!!!!! A wee tabby thought it could stowaway in my vessel while the port major checked a leak in the head, arrrrRRRR! It snuck across the gangplank and scurried up the mizzenmast to hide under the Cap'ns bunk, ye hearrrrrRRR? At first your Cap'n was all “WHOOOAAAA NO!!! NO!! NO NO NO ARR NO ARR NO ARR!!!!” and then the Cap'n tried coaxing the tabby out with kind, gentle talk like “here, puss puss arrrrr ... arr” and then I GRAB'T ‘im ‘n’ I made that tabby WALK THE PLANK!!!! SHEEEARRRRRR!!!! Arr. “Arr,” I guess.

2002sep19. Ye can’t fool me, Saddam! Ye fool me once, then the other one, then back to the first one ... Texassee ... half-dozen of one, then the other fool ... we don’t get fooled again! No no no!!!! SHEARRRRR!!!!

2002sep19. Mail.

I'll STEAL YAR GOOLD AND MAKE YAE WALK THE PLANK YAE BARNACLE BITTEN LANDLUBBER. YAELL PLUMMET RIGHT TO THE BRINY BOTTOM OF DAVY JONES LOCKER, AND GET EATEN BY LARGE WHALES. TAKE THAT! ::stabs you:: AND THAT! ::stabs you again:: I'LL HAVE YAIR TREASURE FOR MESELF AND ALL MY SEXY PIRATE FRIENDS. ::pulls out all your gold teeth::

September 19 – The finest day for swashbuckling ever there was.

RE: “Leaves fall on my ass”

A small piece of advice:

Stop lying
on your stomach

2002sep20. U.S. Bombing Watch

2002sep21. Get a FREE Steak Dinner with the purchase of a PM Special using Shell Rotella T.

Value.

2002sep25. And now, the New Orleans Doctor Cliff weather update.

Today in New Orleans, we are enjoying a rare ‘triple t(h)reat’ of weather excitement. We are currently under warning for tornadoes, flash floods, and a hurricane. Yippee! There’s no wind of any sort but it has been raining steadily for over 24 hours and the ground is fully saturated. New rain just piles up on top of the old rain, which hasn’t been pumped over the levees yet. the expected ‘more rain’ this evening could well set parked cars into motion. A friend called to report that water had already breached the door of her car parked outside, and another call reports a television set floating down rampart street. we’re leaving the Doctorcliff enclave to head for higher ground – a friend with a 2-story place. We worked out a supply list which includes lots of beer, chex mix, and ammo. The only lacking provision (to be picked up en route) is a bottle of scotch.

2002sep26. The Mormons are spying ... on you! I mean, this guy.

2002sep26. A New Life, Soaked in Flammable Liquid.. Read the responses, as well. [via jwz]

2002sep27. Rotodesign took one look at the Cardhouse Wishlist, sized it up, crammed a smartbomb filled with stuff and sent it through the front door, killing all of us with its powerful core of tactical reading material. Hire the Rotodesign team for your next “graphic design” thingee and repay my outstanding debt. Then I'll owe you instead.

2002sep27. Marine Tour ‘02! Man, what fun ... imagine, your city ... UNDER SIEGE! [via itchy robot]

2002sep27. Way back when, I saw a great film called Maestro, The King of Cowboy Artists by Les Blank and I just found out the Maestro’s got a “website,” so check it out, y’all.

2002sep28. Old, utterly surreal/cold/disgusting Ikea press release.

Top 10 Items in the Home that Comfort People the Most Since September 11:
1. Pictures of family and friends
2. Couch
3. Entertainment Center
4. Bed
5. Chair
6. Candles, candlesticks
7. Kitchen Table
8. Home Office
9. Plants
10. Blanket
More brazen foot-in-mouth crap here. [via iain]