2002oct17. The I Don’t Like Hard Things in Soft Things Manifesto.
I have a series of stringent rules involving the material composition of cakes, candies, and other dessert items. In the past, I have relied on a general rule, “No Hard Things In Soft Things,” but it has come to my attention that there are exceptions. In an effort to quell public fear of the unknown, I am sharing the list with you, my friends. There are swear words in the manifesto, because of how important this is.
1) No Nuts In Cake.
This is a simple rule, and is unbreakable. There is no present need
for nuts in cake, and the taste sensation of biting into something hard
while enjoying the smoothness of something velvety soft is something that
everyone should be able to avoid with a minimum of fuss and outrage. There
are cakes that have whole nuts in them, cakes that have broken nuts in them,
and cakes that have ground nuts in them. These are all illegal cakes.
2)
No Nuts On Cake.
Again, the stress-resistance between the cake and the nuts is too great.
There also is nothing visually pleasing about thinly-sliced almonds, for
example; it appears as if someone has gone and dumped a crate of Lee Press-On
Nails onto the top of the otherwise delicious confection. The usual configuration
of nuts on cake consists of a thin layer of chopped nuts slathered on the
side of the cake so it looks like gravel. This is easily scraped off onto
the closest wall or dog.
3) No Nuts On Pie.
I don’t see this that much, but when I do, I take pause, gather my strength,
and remove the offending nuts in question. Why, I ask an uncaring world.
Why does everything have to have the goddamn nuts on?
4) No Nuts In Pie.
Unlike nuts in cake, nuts in pie present a more complex dilemma. It
is almost possible to remove all of the nuts in question in the first two
categories of nuts-in-cake – the whole nuts, and the semi-nuts. But with
pie, it is a different story. It’s just not worth the effort. If there are
nuts hiding in pie, you can bet I'll be somewhere else and I will leave
no forwarding address for the odd pie chock full o’ nuts.
5) No Nuts
In Brownies.
I cannot even begin to enumerate the experiences I’ve had encountering
nuts in brownies. These are the nut-infested brownies that escape careful
and prolonged visual inspection, usually with a layer of clear fluorescent-lit
glass between my eyeballs and the object in question. I will
always always follow up my examination with a question posed to the
confectioner: “Are there nuts in the brownies?” I don’t know why I bother,
invariably the answer is “no” and invariably I’ve just purchased a
fucking nut brownie. Now I’m starting to understand why people freak
out over trivial things – what you’re seeing is a lifetime of disappointment
and frustration finally breaking free and taking majestic flight.
6)
No Nuts In Ice Cream.
The ultimate soft confection, marred forevermore by the presence of
nuts. It will not happen on my watch. It will not happen. Being resourceful,
I can dig around the nuts like an inverse treasure hunt (“Rrrrrrrrra, seitam!”)
and be somewhat satisfied.
7) Nuts On Ice Cream – Okay, with restrictions.
Here I am thinking of those nutty-buddy cones, with the sprinkling of
ground cashews on top. Combined with the hard chocolate coating, the nuts
please me. While on this topic, it seems important to mention that hard
ice cream cones are okay. The ability to eat a food’s own container trumps
the hard-vs-soft problem by about fifty times.
I am still developing this list. There seems to be an infinite amount of foodstuffs to which one can add nuts. Finally, let’s wrap this up with a conversation I had with my mother about a year ago:
Mom: And I made a cake for your birthday!Next week: Have you seen my “cell phone hammer"?
Me: Wow! Thanks! What kind is it?
Mom: It’s a carrot cake with white icing, and it’s got nuts in it.
Me: Great!
Mom: What?
Me: No! That’s good!
Mom: You’re the one who doesn’t like nuts.