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Cardhouse
macros2000.com

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2002nov01. I got telespammed by Hillary Clinton today. “This is Hillary Clinton, with an urgent message ... ” YES, HILLARY, YES? IS IT ABOUT THE ELECTION? She wants me to vote for Gray Davis. She can go bash her own head in with a hammer. I don’t know why she called, I’m pretty sure I wrote that I was a member of the Surrealist Party when I gave my thumbprint to the DMV. “There he goes again, with the thumbprinting ... “

2002nov02. After nearly three years of toil, the hole to hell has been completed. A must read. [via robotwisdom]

... let’s say this plainly, clearly and soberly, so that no one can mistake the intention of Rumsfeld’s plan--the United States government is planning to use “cover and deception” and secret military operations to provoke murderous terrorist attacks on innocent people. Let’s say it again: Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush and the other members of the unelected regime in Washington plan to deliberately foment the murder of innocent people--your family, your friends, your lovers, you--in order to further their geopolitical ambitions.

2002nov05. Now that we’ve digested all the candy from Halloween (and how much more air can you put in a “Fun” sized Three Musketeers bar before it floats away?), it’s time to start thinking about how to trim the Christmas tree, if you’re Christmasians. Here is how not to. Unless you’d like to present it to one of your alcoholic friends as a symbolic token of your distant-yet-thoughtful concern.

2002nov06. [Cardhouse] After two years of slumber, Otto opens his sleepy eyes, yawns, blinks a few times and disgorges a new release. Perhaps now Otto will get up and clean house. Perhaps he will reshingle the roof. Perhaps he ... zzzzzzzzZZZZZ

2002nov08. My Rhymes Are Quite Possibly The Best Ever

Please stand back. I will need some room for my rhyming skills, which seem to be pretty good. I am currently representing my hometown, or rather, the members of my immediate community who are interested in the rapperly arts. What makes me better than all of them? I don’t really know. Jerry didn’t come to the competition last week because he had a cold, so that left Lopez and Lopez, well, he’s a mumbler, really. So I am representing. Now I am sending word out that your rhymes are probably facile and burdened with troubling scatalogical metaphors. I am just saying, is all. So by my way of thinking, my rhymes could be better than yours, and maybe most others as well. If they’re not, then, well, I guess that’s my problem, but for now I’m just going to go ahead and make that assumption. I’m not sure what the procedure is now – do I have to sign a certificate or something? Anyway, my rhymes are quite possibly the best ever. Bust it. Thank you for your consideration.

2002nov10. [Cardhouse] Deck O’ Junk updated.

2002nov12. Members of the [international organization] were shocked to discover that the United States is renewing its interest in [ass-backward practice n]. [via fark]

2002nov18. Pie has a gravitational field that also extends through chronological space.

2002nov22. Christmas comes early for BigPharm. Shots or jail, proles.

2002nov22. Ebay: "You want this milk, little man? You think you’re good enough for this milk?"

2002nov23. Look, all of this nonsense is really taking far, far too long. Let’s cut out all of the middlemen and reassemble the Bureau of Printing and Engraving right in the White House. This way, our nation’s great leaders can distribute any amount of money to whomever they wish without pissing all over the earth every single goddamn day in new and exciting ways.

2002nov26. Oh MAN!!! This has got to be the funniest piece of news I’ve read during this regime. The Shack is going to miss out on all of that sweet, sweet personal data from Total Information Awareness run by convicted felon John Poindexter. See, here’s the thing ... the government is already selling your address to marketing companies. For example, everytime you move and fill out one of those “change of address” cards, well, that’s more money in the government’s pocket, because they sell your new address to marketers so they can send you more junk mail, so they can phone you during dinner to make sure that you got the junk mail they sent you (this happened to me just today ... thanks for following up on that, assholes). So imagine, now, what corporations can do with this massive amount of information that the government is about to tap into and historically sells. Are you following here?

If you think advertising is annoying now ... get ready for the TOTALLY MARKETED FUTURE ™
The really killer part is that when people start pulling away from credit cards, showing ID, etc, to avoid adding to their personal profile in The Beast (remember back in the ‘80s when there was a theoretical machine that was compiling total datasets on every human being alive called that? I think it was supposed to be located in Great Britain. Hahaha, boy that was a lark), well, that throws up the “suspicious activity” flag, and the next thing you know, you’re gagged and bound in Guantanamo Bay with all of your other cash-only friends.

2002nov26. About Feinstein’s “stand” for the privacy rights of Americans in this article ... Feinstein has been one of the big pushers of the Federal ID card, sneaking it in unrelated bills like frickin’ nuts in brownies. “Dammit, my system ... not Poindexter’s ... mine’s got fingerprints!”

2002nov26. Doc mentioned that The Beast was actually supposed to be in Brussels. Good enough for some googly! Way too much googly. Here’s the fun Christian version that comes up #1.

2002nov26. Cat & Girl.

2002nov26. Stupid thieves. You don’t use one vehicle – you steal a big truck, drive that through the window, leave it there and use your own car as an escape vehicle. I mean, theoretically. This is what one would do. If one was going to do something so ... deliciously ... heinous. Yes, heinous. Also of note: “shearlings.” [via obscure store]

2002nov28. Getting On With The War.

2002nov29. Perusing a certain mp3 filesharing system today, I came across a shared song with the prefix

JOES MUSIC DO NOT DELETE MOM
Also, while I’m here, I would like to ask each of you to “feel the rhythm.” Thank you.