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2002may01. Mail.

I am very concerned about one of your products.My grandsons step-mother bought him some candy with dinasours on the box.He loves dinasours so she new he would love them.When Sara opened the box for Austin,she was shocked to find candy cigarettes! She would NEVER have bought that candy had she known.Now my concern is:Why would you make and sell such a thing to little kids in a time when we are trying desperatly to make it clear that smoking is NOT acceptable and will kill them? This is a very irresponsible act on your part and I will make it clear to others that your company is producing such an unhealthy product ... .A Concerned Parent and Grand-parent

I’m tired of answering these things. Okay, one more.

I DON'T CARE FOR YOUR CURRENT T V AD.

IN MASS. STORES WHY DO YOU CHARGE TAX ON TAKE OUTS?

[This is an email from someone who believes that I am the consumer affairs representative for a large multi-national donut chain, I’m not really sure which one. I am not many things: I am not a candy cigarette manufacturer, I am not a malt distributor, I do not sell cigars, I am not a record company. This does not stop people from believing so. I usually start my reply with a nicely-worded explanation, but then I throw it away and give voice to my inner jerkoff.]

If you could be more specific, we could register your complaint with our creative department.

In regards to your question, we are legally entitled to charge tax on take-outs in the state of Massachusetts.

Thank you,
Don “Donut” Henderson
The Management.

THE MAN RUNNING IN AND OUT OF THE STORE.--THANKS

Would it make a difference if it was, say, a woman running in and out of the store? Or is it the mannerisms of the man that you find annoying? This would help us out, like a focus group with less people. You would be “Focus Man.”

THE MANNERISMS SHOWN--TELL US ABOUTTHE GOOD COFFEE AND THE FOOD, THE GOOD EMPLOYEES, HOW CLEAN THE STORES IS, THE DRIVE IN WINDOW SERVICE. MARTIN S

Ah. Well, see, there we have a problem, Martin. Because if we did that – if we created a commercial series that showed everything you describe – I’m sure one or more of our franchises wouldn’t “come up to snuff” and then we’d have a problem. Because someone would be crying about “deceptive advertising practices” and the like while speeding to a courtroom. And really, it’s hard to crow about how “good” the employees are with our low wages ... I'll tell you a little secret, we’re trying out robots, just like McDonald’s. We think it will be easier for a donut store to have robots, because people don’t ask for extra condiments on their donuts or to leave off the lettuce, etc. So you put your money in the robot, and punch up your order, and you see the robot making your donut(s)! Does this sound like something you’d be interested in, Martin?

Don “Donut” Henderson

YOU COULD TELL WHY YOUR PRODUCTS ARE THE BEST-MARTIN
P.S.BE A LEADER NOT A FOLLOWER-YOU HAVE A LOT TO OFFER, TO THE PUBLIC,A GOOD PRODUCT.

Martin, putting robots in all of our donut stores is being a leader! They make donuts, they make change, they make coffee, they don’t smoke or swear or quit in the middle of a shift! We’ve been testing the living heck out of these babies, and we think we’ve got a system that will work. Scalding is down 70% from the Mark III prototype! Does being served by a robot excite you, Martin? Robots, to me, mean a new deck on my new summer house. Can you feel the excitement? I think this is a revolution that the service class economy will never recover from!

DEAR FRIEND,

NICE TO CHAT WITH YOU. HAVE YOU READ HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE?

YOU ARE NOT SELLING ROBOTS, BUT YOU ARE SELLING A GREAT PRODUCT. ITS THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE BUY YOUR PRODUCTS.

IF STORES ARE NOT WELL MANAGED, BY THE OWNERS, SHAME ON YOU AND YOUR COMPANY.

MARTIN S