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Cardhouse
macros2000.com

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2002may01. Mail.

I am very concerned about one of your products.My grandsons step-mother bought him some candy with dinasours on the box.He loves dinasours so she new he would love them.When Sara opened the box for Austin,she was shocked to find candy cigarettes! She would NEVER have bought that candy had she known.Now my concern is:Why would you make and sell such a thing to little kids in a time when we are trying desperatly to make it clear that smoking is NOT acceptable and will kill them? This is a very irresponsible act on your part and I will make it clear to others that your company is producing such an unhealthy product ... .A Concerned Parent and Grand-parent

I’m tired of answering these things. Okay, one more.

I DON'T CARE FOR YOUR CURRENT T V AD.

IN MASS. STORES WHY DO YOU CHARGE TAX ON TAKE OUTS?

[This is an email from someone who believes that I am the consumer affairs representative for a large multi-national donut chain, I’m not really sure which one. I am not many things: I am not a candy cigarette manufacturer, I am not a malt distributor, I do not sell cigars, I am not a record company. This does not stop people from believing so. I usually start my reply with a nicely-worded explanation, but then I throw it away and give voice to my inner jerkoff.]

If you could be more specific, we could register your complaint with our creative department.

In regards to your question, we are legally entitled to charge tax on take-outs in the state of Massachusetts.

Thank you,
Don “Donut” Henderson
The Management.

THE MAN RUNNING IN AND OUT OF THE STORE.--THANKS

Would it make a difference if it was, say, a woman running in and out of the store? Or is it the mannerisms of the man that you find annoying? This would help us out, like a focus group with less people. You would be “Focus Man.”

THE MANNERISMS SHOWN--TELL US ABOUTTHE GOOD COFFEE AND THE FOOD, THE GOOD EMPLOYEES, HOW CLEAN THE STORES IS, THE DRIVE IN WINDOW SERVICE. MARTIN S

Ah. Well, see, there we have a problem, Martin. Because if we did that – if we created a commercial series that showed everything you describe – I’m sure one or more of our franchises wouldn’t “come up to snuff” and then we’d have a problem. Because someone would be crying about “deceptive advertising practices” and the like while speeding to a courtroom. And really, it’s hard to crow about how “good” the employees are with our low wages ... I'll tell you a little secret, we’re trying out robots, just like McDonald’s. We think it will be easier for a donut store to have robots, because people don’t ask for extra condiments on their donuts or to leave off the lettuce, etc. So you put your money in the robot, and punch up your order, and you see the robot making your donut(s)! Does this sound like something you’d be interested in, Martin?

Don “Donut” Henderson

YOU COULD TELL WHY YOUR PRODUCTS ARE THE BEST-MARTIN
P.S.BE A LEADER NOT A FOLLOWER-YOU HAVE A LOT TO OFFER, TO THE PUBLIC,A GOOD PRODUCT.

Martin, putting robots in all of our donut stores is being a leader! They make donuts, they make change, they make coffee, they don’t smoke or swear or quit in the middle of a shift! We’ve been testing the living heck out of these babies, and we think we’ve got a system that will work. Scalding is down 70% from the Mark III prototype! Does being served by a robot excite you, Martin? Robots, to me, mean a new deck on my new summer house. Can you feel the excitement? I think this is a revolution that the service class economy will never recover from!

DEAR FRIEND,

NICE TO CHAT WITH YOU. HAVE YOU READ HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE?

YOU ARE NOT SELLING ROBOTS, BUT YOU ARE SELLING A GREAT PRODUCT. ITS THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE BUY YOUR PRODUCTS.

IF STORES ARE NOT WELL MANAGED, BY THE OWNERS, SHAME ON YOU AND YOUR COMPANY.

MARTIN S

2002may03. Zefrank is ze wonderful and I’ve only played with SNM1 and Drawtoy. I am easily amused today.

2002may03. A friend of mine was commuting home from work the other day down 101 and said she was passed by a motorcycle “gang” all riding those low-slung plastic bikes. Sometimes they would would hop from side to side over the bike, sometimes they would straddle the bike, stand up on the ground and “ride the pavement.”All at 60mph+. So watch for them, I guess. Three shows daily, or catch the nightly special at your local ER.

2002may03. My friend has sent corrections to the tale of the dangerous motorcycle people.

They weren’t exactly straddling the bikes – that is, one foot on each side of the bike – they hopped off the bike, standing to the left side of it. They were “waterskiing” alongside the bike, both feet on the freeway, no rocket in their crotch. You could smell the burning rubber of their shoe soles for at least two exits ...

And the helmets! Shiny black helmets with chrome shark fins popping through the top.

Cool.

2002may05. Candy Cigarettes: Your “Passport” To Excitement!

Is there any possibility a person could get some old or bad candy. This would be used for bear bait and obviously not for human consumption. I was looking for maybe a truck full or maybe a little more. Thanks

How can i become a wholesaler of El Bubble bubble gum cigars. Can you please give me a list of email addresses or websites for supplier.
thank you

Is there currently any laws in California that prohibit the sale of candy cigaretttes to minors? If there are do you know the section number?

The last batch of candy cigarettes I got tasted different. Did they change the flavor?????? If they did, why would they do such a thing?????? Thanks, Debbie

2002may09. I went and saw Spiderman the other day ... don’t read any further if you haven’t seen the movie, because it contains major spoilers.

Spiderman is about this guy who gets bitten by a radioactive spider. Then he is Spiderman. He shoots webs out of his wrists. He can crawl anywhere, just like a spider. He has an aunt. He fights crime. He works at the newspaper. He takes photos.
I watched the film, then I talked about it on my weblog. Yeah ... you remember that? Uh-huh ... what are you wearing?

2002may09. [Cardhouse] Domo-kun sort of FAQ. An examination of everyone’s favorite little brown chunk.

2002may11. Ebay: People in the 1930’s knew a lot more about having fun. A lot has been lost since then. Perhaps historical items like this one can lead us back to a more dignified and sane existence. (2006: I remember what this was. It was an auction for a paper game in which you and your friends used your cigarettes to spark up a chosen line consisting of fuse-type material, the fuses then burned on the paper in semi-intricate patterns so no one could tell which one was going to burn the fastest)

2002may11. King VelVeeda is being sued by Kraft because “VelVeeda” is close to “Velveeta.”Because if they don’t protect the valuable “Velveeta” name, there will be thousands of other corporations more than happy to capitalize on their laziness and we will soon be seeing “Velscreeta” disgustingly bright fake factory cheese and “Velvooter” disgustingly bright fake factory cheese and “Velverta” disgustingly bright fake factory cheese. Or, perhaps people will want to know more about Velveeta cheese and just naturally assume that they should go to www.cheesygraphics.com and then when they see the nakeds ladies on the site will suddenly assume that this international food conglomerate is now porn-oriented and there will be boycotts and product burnings and chaos. [via doc]

2002may12. I thought Nestlé had cleaned up their breastmilk act, but apparently not. I try not to buy anything from inter/national companies anymore, they’re just too damn corrupt.

2002may13. SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH: Toast Substrate Aerodynamics Vs. Applied Gravitational Subjection Of Solid Flooring Component. NoooOOOOOO!!!! Beautiful toast ... life, so fleeting ...

2002may13. "And then people started messing with that camera, so we put up another camera to watch the second camera and of course we’re not idjits we made sure those two cameras also pointed at each other, but then they started destroying cameras simultaneously, so we just firebombed the area and ‘waaa-laaa’ no more traffic problems.” [via doc]

2002may14. Got a little bit of this one ... I am seriously not getting my money’s worth out here. Does it need more quarters? What?

2002may14. QUAKE 2002: The garlic capital of the world is safe. A city rests, yet, remains alert, although sleepy and sort of hungry. Maybe the city will go downstairs and have some cereal, though it’s a bit early. Garlic cereal.

2002may14. Quimby’s wants to distribute Macros2000. I am sure they don’t remember distributing X Magazine. I have no problem dealing with stores directly, it’s the distributors that make me all itchy. Brrrrrr. Anyway, as I was trying to drive away from the post office, a 50-year-old guy sort of got in the way of my car.

Me: What?
Him: Where are you going?
Me: What?
Him: Where are you going?
Me: Home.
Him: Could you take me to Rengstorff?
Me: WHAT?
Him [Thinking I’m a deaf taxi driver]: RENGZ-TORF.
Me: No, sorry.
[SFX: vroom]
I hadn’t even thought of the perishables sitting next to me. If this happens to you, remember – you have perishables in the trunk, even if you don’t. It could mean the difference between a side trip to Rengstorff and not a side trip to Rengstorff.

2002may15. Interview: Danny & Oswald from The Amazing Race 2. I will begrudgingly watch the finale tonight, though there’s no one in it I’m a rootin’ for.

2002may15. Turns out the butler did it.

2002may15. So I went to the Panaderia (the one attached to the Taqueria/Joyeria) two months ago, and ran across a type of apple fritter bread in a flat circular shape, around six inches in diameter. This was the best item I’d ever extracted from the cases – when I went back a week later, there weren’t any. I talked to the cashier, she motioned to the manager, and we talked about shapes, about sizes, about sugar carmelization, but the one thing we couldn’t agree on was that my elusive baked good actually existed in this universe. [Present time] It is available at the Panaderia again today. I just kept my mouth shut and quietly bought one. I like the idea of a product with a random window of opportunity.

2002may16. McSweeney’s: I’m detective John Kimble.

2002may19. Mail. No one ever writes back. It is sad.

ATT : EXPORT DPT .

REF BUSINESS THROUGH PORT SAID PUBLIC FREE ZONE AREA

WE ARE INTERESTING IN CO-OPERATING WITH YOUR COMPANY IN MARKETING YOUR CIGARETTES ITEMS THROUGH STORAGE IN PORT SAID PUBLIC FREE ZONE AREA .

AS FROM PORT SAID PUBLIC FREE ZONE AREA WE CAN MARKETING THE ITEMS TO THE ITEMS TO THE CLIENTS , AND ACCORDING YOUR INSTRUCTIONS .

IN CASE YOU ARE INTERESTING IN THIS BUSINESS , PLEASE CONTACT US FOR ANY DETAILS YOU MAY NEED

THANKS + REGARDS

MEDHAT KHAFAGA
ASIA SERVICES & COMMERCE
11, MEMPHIS STR , BORG PORT SAID BLDG
P.O BOX : 914 PORT SAID
EGYPT

Dear Medhat:

Thanks for dropping us a line. If we want to do business with you (and it sounds like we do) I’m going to need to know a LOT more about your FZA. We’ve been burned twice in the past by infestation and rodent droppings, and I have been extremely unhappy with the Sultanate of Oman. Initially, what I’m going to need is a standard report on your FZA and photos of the area. I need to know about security, I need to know a lot more before I’m going to have anything shipped there. Do you have a standard portfolio package that you can send? If so, send it to [address].

Thanks,
B. Fume
Shipping & Receiving

2002may19. Museum of Jurassic Technology comforts post-theft Deuce of Clubs.

2002may20. Fish, barrel.

dear sir
please sent me pictures , dimensions ,materials and another informations to help me to select a very big dinosaur statue for a park (in normal size of a dinosaur).please notice that we have only a week time to decideing .thanks a lot for your kindly consideration .
president of Atiebtekar Company
Kamran azizi

I understand that you are very busy, but we will need more information, whatever you can provide. We will deliver a specification and with several estimates via FedEx on receipt of the following information:

Name
Address
FedEx#
Deadline (Day/E.S.T.)

Also:

Indoors? Outdoors? Underground?
If indoors: standard operating temperatures, hours of operation, clearance height?
If outdoors: temperature delta, rain? snow? hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis (near ocean?)?
What type of weather?

Realistic? “Cartoony"?
Children admitted to park? Climbable? Gum chewing allowed in park/country? Children under parental supervision at all times, or roam free?
On golf course? Part of larger “theme"?
Habitable?
Admission free, or paid for?
Location of park (city, country?)
Size of park?
Main display, or several other animals?
Maintenance: washed daily, weekly, monthly?

These are all considerations that need to be addressed when creating a dinosaur. Any and all information will be helpful to narrow the specification down to your liking.

When you say “normal size,” do you mean _actual_ size? Do you know what type of dinosaur you would like? A nice T-Rex?

[You know, I was so looking forward to making cartoony dinosaur drawings and sending them out FedEx. I should probably stop answering these types of emails, I get all cranked up for nothing. Cockeyed also sent along a letter (below), I was hoping to use it later on in the investigation, but I never heard back from Mr. Dinosaur.]

Well, there is no fucking way to build a dinosaur overseas in one week for less than US$280,000.

Most customers want a full-size steel and fiberglas Brontosaurus

Height: 35 ft
Weight: 7 tons
Length: 25 m (82 ft)
Period: Late Jurassic

The foundation will be five poured concrete slabs, the skeleton will be welded steel I-beams. You should be aware that the skeleton will not look like a dinosaur skeleton. It will look like an office building skeleton. The head will be 8 feet long, mouth ajar but non-articulated.

The skin will be rough, realistic pigmented fiberglas, not paint. This durable skin will withstand 4 years of climbing and petting, 9 years of direct sunlight, before requiring a surface treatment.

We have 3 poses available for the Brontosaurus: neck extended (Model BR-X), neck bent to the ground (BR-G), and running (BR-R). None of the models are low enough for an unassisted child to climb upon.

We need seven expert craftsmen from the USA and 12 local laborers with english-speaking supervisors. You'll need two 40-foot cranes, 14 ladders, 5 TIG welders with wire and gas, 350 square meters of wire mesh, a cement mixer and an ice-cream truck.

2002may20. Sony’s Key2Audio CD “copy-proof” technology can be defeated by a felt-tip marker, which will cost you approximately 99 cents ... or you could just buy one of Sony’s CDRW drives and get the pen in the package!

Real Kit contents: CRX100E ATAPI CD-RW drive, Spressa software (WinOnCD, PacketCD, InstantAudio Backup, PhotoRecall), CD-R and CD-RW media, installation kit, marker pen.

2002may21. I have finally reached the Simpsons super-saturation point. It is no longer worth my time to tune in and be subjected to endless repeats in the hopes of catching the n episodes I’ve missed. Now the TV has no hold on me, except Globe Trekker and Niko-niko Punsuka Hamuemon which isn’t even on every week. Now I am free. I am free. [runs screaming from the room]

2002may21. Cockeyed: McDonald’s “American Pie” apple pie tie-in. Mr. Eyed sent me a plastic placard kit to deface various local-area McDonald’s, but, umm, the placards didn’t fit. Yes, yes, that’s it, they didn’t fit. No, I dropped the ball because I am a lamer. On the other hand, the Cockeyed team refuses to race jury-rigged putt-putt heater meal boats with me, so I think we’re even on that score. [makes chicken noises, runs out of room]

2002may24. Cockeyed: Image lifting imposter prank thing.

2002may26. [Cardhouse] Updated: Niko-Niko Punsuka Hamuemon.

2002may26. Thanks again to everyone who sent kind words and/or donations to Deuce of Clubs after the theft ...

2002may27. Day in Doorknobs.

2002may31. Mitsubishi sold me some bad shit. [via neil k]

The use of the Mitsubishi logo on pills containing the club drug Ecstasy, or similar-looking but more potent stimulants such as the amphetamine PMA, is in no way associated with any of the separate and independent companies which share the Mitsubishi logomark. Accordingly, the use of our name and logo is clearly a misuse of the reputation of the Mitsubishi companies and constitutes trademark infringement.