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2002jul01. Mail.

Hello,
My husband has been looking everywhere for your “Good Fortune” toothpicks, and can’t seem to find them. We are in Washington State, and we have been to Chinatown hoping to find a store there that sells your toothpicks, but to no avail. Can you tell us where your toothpicks can be found to buy, we would very much appreciate it.

thank you

Kandi

Dear Kandi:

Our toothpicks can be found in every store on the earth. Look closely ... they’re small!


Dear Kandi:

We are saddened to learn of your misfortune trying to locate our toothpicks. Please find enclosed one (1) “Good Fortune” brand toothpick.


Dear Kandi:

Our toothpicks exist only in your mind.


Dear Kandi:

We have recalled our toothpicks in response to a Consumer Product Safety Division investigation. It seems that our toothpicks are failing the “choke tube test” in record numbers. We will be thickening and lengthening our toothpicks. We are committed to our box style and size, however, which means that there will be approximately 5.3 toothpicks in each package.


Dear Kandi:

Toothpicks!


Dear Kandi:

We only produced one box of toothpicks. It was sold. Our business model thus proven, we wait patiently for our IPO to produce more.


Dear Kandi:

My first car was an AMC Concord. What a piece of shit.


Dear Kandi:

We are, at the present time, not stocking these toothpicks due to a one-time balance sheet readjustment of twelve skrillion dollars. We are confident that most of our investors have shifted their portfolio into sweets, plunging necklines, and cat calendars.


Dear Kandi:

I’m feeling tough right now. Like nobody can take me on. Like I’m strong; invincible. Except my butt hurts. Everything else about me, though, is like steel. Stainless steel. I hate that Swingway can opener, it rusts around the gear, so one day you’re opening the can of pineapple chunks in light syrup and it just drops a little rust maggot in the pineapple can. It’s such a beautiful can opener, it’s like 99% perfect but then they wanted to make sure they sold many, many can openers instead of a few good ones.


Dear Kandi:

Let us construct, in our minds, an alternate futuristic universe. In this universe, people have small nanobots in their mouths that clean their teeth automatically, obviating the need for toothpicks. Here’s the twist, though: the planet’s entire population is on death row. Blows yer mind, doesn’t it? It’s all about priorities. I’m shoppin’ it around, shoppin’ it around ...


Dear Kandi:

Our toothpicks are not for sale. We are passing the savings ... onto you! Onto? Into you? Through? We are giving you the savings? We have savings, we are hoping that you implement them? Take our savings ... please!


Dear Kandi:

Toothpicks are like tiny trees, without the leaves, or the bark. Also they’re dead and quite uniform in size and texture. This is probably why toothpicks are better to put in your mouth than trees, for the most part.


Dear Kandi:

Would you be interested in a free sample of our spirally-sliced honey glazed ham? It’s from Estonia.


Dear Kandi:

I’m drunk.

[a day passes ... I sober up.]

hello,
i wrote to your company before hoping to get any help any finding the manufacturers of “Good Fortune,” pure white sterilized with peroxide and dried hot flat toothpicks. If you can help me to find out how we can buy these special toothpicks, i would appreciate it very much.

thank you again,

Kandi

Dear Kandi:

Our company puts a great trust in the consumer of our “Good Fortune” brand pure white sterilized with peroxide and dried hot flat toothpicks. That trust is this: that our toothpicks should never be used as an interdental device. We thank you, the consumer, for keeping and building that trust throughout the years. Thank you, Good Fortune brand toothpicks.


Dear Kandi:

Toothpicks serve a function in society. This is hardly true most of the time.


Dear Kandi:

“Clare County History: A Celebration of Toothpicks” will be exhibited at the Clare County Museum from Friday, August 2nd 2002 to Monday, January 29th 2007. Cider and do-nuts will be served between 12:00pm-1:00pm, and there might be a band playing or something, if they can get their shit together.


Dear Kandi:

Let me tell you what I learned in college -- it won’t take long. I had a 400-level math class – very difficult – and this was my second time taking it. I was living in a sorority house, but that’s another story. Anyway, the class was at 8am four days a week, so basically every kid that showed up without coffee (which was most of them) was a zombie. Zombies like to sit down, but sometimes the doors to the class were locked. So you’d get there ten minutes ahead of the bell, and you’d have to either stand in this darkened hallway or sit on the cement floor -- unattractive options for zombies. One day, I got to class about ten minutes early, and it was test day. I was walking up to the hall, and I noticed that most of the class was already there, trying to study by holding math books in their hand (standing) or sprawled out on the concrete (sitting). It looked pretty uncomfortable, and then I started doing a little math in my head. I moved directly toward the door and ... opened it, triggering a strange low exclamatory sound from at least half of the crowd. Why exactly didn’t 40+ people even try the door? Because something happened when the first one or two people got to class – the first person assumed the door was locked, or there were two people and they had some sort of bizarre mental showdown in which each thought the other had already tried the door. By the time the third person showed up, the pattern had been set – there’s people sitting outside, well, they must have tried the door. And the fourth person shows up, etc, etc, until you have 40 people who haven’t even tried the door. I passed both tests.

If you think about it, this explains a lot of social phenomenons.

Oh yeah: toothpicks, toothpicks, etc.


Dear Kandi:

This isn’t like the 1950’s, when both UK and US teens were coming at us in droves, screaming for our product. Times have changed, and we have changed our ways as well. We’re releasing a Classic Gift Pack of 40 of our top toothpicks, arranged by year and sub-arranged by color. In addition, there’s our Extended Classic Gift Pack Deluxe, which features a 207-page coffee table book on the history of Good Fortune Toothpick Brand toothpicks, designed by Frogdesign, with a foreword by Matt Damon (from the movie “Rounders”). You can also find the book by itself at Borders bookstore, under the title: “Good Fortune Toothpick Book Matt Damon.”


Dear Kandi:

All of our toothpicks have been sold to costume supply shops, eager to stock their shelves with United States-flag augmented toothpicks for the crush of consumers drunk with patriotric fervor. This is the year, Kandi, the year that America Tears A New One. I’m going to be hunkered down in the riverbed come July 4th. See, I was walking home from this estate sale today (I scored this nice “Figaro” cat food box – it’s always a challenge for me to sneak out a well-designed cardboard box because they’d throw it away otherwise – this time I put a bunch of one dollar cookbook pamphlets from the 1940’s in the box and fobbed off most of them, only buying two, but still keeping a tight hold on the box itself), and I noticed an access path down to the dry riverbed. So I figured what the hell, and it was wonderful. It’s in a trench twenty, twenty-five feet down so you can’t hear the traffic, can’t hear a damned thing down there, and it’s as lush as all get out. So you’re in this otherworldly place, with rat traps. Lots of rat traps. I didn’t understand what they were at first, had to get good and close to read the writing on the canister. So I was walking for about a mile or two, and then a stream cut into the riverbed and the vegetation became taller and taller and before I knew it I was in a frickin’ jungle. Well, I had the ole’ catfood box with me, and a backpack, and a short-sleeved shirt, so it really wasn’t working out. I backtracked, put on a flannel shirt, broke down the cat food box and put it in the back pack, and climbed out (in and of itself worth a paragraph) onto the side road. Shame it didn’t dump me in some rich boof’s backyard, eh? I followed the river awhile, and it finally dried out again, and just then I found another easy access path down. Again, peace and contentment. I had that fantasy again in which machines don’t exist. Nice. Came across some poetry written under a bridge:

Video Junkie

[unintelligible] out [unintelligible] network of microdots
Radiating color [that was in red] in a moving array of visual imagery
Mainlining the optic nerve
Television addicts shoot up
Tele transmission rays
For that [red follows] Sex-Trash [red ends] rush
That goes straight to the CNS
Like Fortran code to the CPU
Or Terminal Overload

And the poem ends there because the riverbed has risen to meet it, which is just wonderful – nature interacting with art. But “Fortran"? The poem has to be at least ten years old, maybe twenty. It reminded me of the writing on the inside of one of the buildings at the Sutro Bath ruins – someone had taken the time to document what had happened there in their own words, but it had faded away and was covered with other less-interesting writing.

Another poem under the bridge was mostly covered up by some excellent multi-colored graffito:

Last picture of Alaska
... in nano-seconds

Because this is a man-made trench, I was able to climb up a bunch of sandbags and popped up right at end of a street hosting another estate sale, looking like some kind of freakish prairie dog.


Dear Kandi:

After spending ten years in major university libraries, I have concluded that no great fiction has ever centered around the exploits of a common toothpick. This is not such a bad thing, but it does represent an untapped resource. We are exploring the ancillary market as well, and hope to secure a patent for our toothpick necklace, which helps to keep toothpicks “at the ready” instead of the typical scrambling for a toothpick dispenser that you will see in most restaurants in the Midwest. That’s another thing: toothpicks are a very regional product. We haven’t come up with exact boundaries, but our marketers have pretty much crossed off California and Nevada. You’d think with all the cowboys and cowgirls in NV, maybe, perhaps ... but no.


Dear Kandi:

I think they are available in Toronto’s Chinatown somewhere.


Dear Kandi:

I am made of wood. I am round, yet small. I have two pointed ends. I taper on the top, and on the bottom. I am jammed between the gleaming white teeth of an obese gentleman who has just finished his Whirlaway fried chicken dinner. He’s lost the Henderson account, but he doesn’t know it yet. Probably would have skipped dessert. No time for pie when your client base dips below a certain amount. Red lines on the computer, easy to spot by a supervisor or two. Then you have to go back to the management classes, they try to tweak you – up to a point. Then they cut you loose. Can’t be cut loose, then there’s no pie ever. What am I? That’s right – I am a toothpick.

2002jul01. Mail.

Yay! Yay! I want free [Macros #8]! Yay yay! FREE FREE FREE.

(this is a cheer I just made up, try to envision it with cheerleaders and a marching band)

I am. Now I am imagining that while the marching band is on the field, they are forming giant letters and numbers that spell out your address. Also that all the cheerleaders are hot for me, but I think the band is more important here.

2002jul02. Breast Exams By Satellite. I don’t know, if someone was stupid enough to believe this, I wouldn’t be turned on anymore. Astronauts.

2002jul05. Doc was spammed by BUTCH PATRICK EDDIE MUNSTER:

Subject: * Accept Your FREE Vegas Vacation Now! *

Eddie Munster says ...

Do you want to stay in the greatest City on Earth & not pay a dime for it?

“Your Complimentary 4 Day / 3 Night GETAWAY in Vegas”

Butch Patrick AKA Eddie Munster from “The Munsters” TV Series wants you to be his guest for a fabulous Romantic 4 Day / 3 Night Getaway in Vegas. Butch is so proud of his newest Five Star Resort Club de Soleil, he is offering 4 days and 3 nights at a major strip Resort as a gift from the kid with the pointy ears. Enjoy a romantic getaway to the most exciting city on Earth, Las Vegas Nevada. To enjoy all the sights and sounds of Las Vegas with that special someone Compliments of Butch Patrick and Club de Soleil, CLICK [URL]!!!

* You must be 26 Years of age or older to participate.

2002jul05. Douglas Rushkoff has a telemarketing tip ... for you!

2002jul08. The Big Fat Lie [fakeroo subscription required]. This article is “goin’ around,” as they say.

If you work out the numbers, you come to the surreal conclusion that you can eat lard straight from the can and conceivably reduce your risk of heart disease.
I have been telling people this for years. Pick up my new book, Lard Can Diet, wherever things are sold.

2002jul10. Man, them U.S. roadblock descriptions are surefire powerful readin'. [via doc]

1) The police at this roadblock carry out an operation they call “playing the game.” They immediately accuse you of having drugs on you, and inform you that if you don’t fork them over everyone in the car is going to jail (an obvious bluff). They are notorious for searching teenagers and young adults, and if you have long hair, dreadlocks, or are wearing a bandana, you can count on being searched. They wasted a good forty-five minutes of our time trashing our car and letting dogs trample all over it. They seemed to be making a lot of arrests. Since my experience, it has come to my attention that there are frequently roadblocks in this exact area.

2) Stopped and asked for license and insurance. The officer was not patient enough to let me continue searching for insurance card which had slipped into the owners manual. I was given a ticket for driving without insurance. I was also asked many times if I had been drinking.

2002jul10. A special note to anyone who’s in line to receive Macros #8: I didn’t expect the demand to be as high as it is. It will take awhile for me to hand-letter each issue. No! I mean, mail them all out. So please be patient. Be my patient. Say “ahhhhhh.” Hrmm. That’s odd, you have a large red fleshy tumor permanently lodged in your mouth. It seems to thrash around when you speak ... Nurse! Get the carbolic acid.

2002jul11. For those of you renting cars, watch your back ... Budget (at the very least) is getting creative with their contracts. In addition, this GPS nonsense is going too far:

Trenery noted that tracking information Budget provided for one client included what hotels he stayed in each night.
If you’re going to rent from Budget, you’d better bring your own contract that indicates you will not be charged for GPS-detected speeding, at the very least (an unsubstantiated report going around is that someone is being charged $1800 extra by Budget for speeding and for repairs that “might” be needed because she drove it off-road). Of course they won’t sign it ... that’s when you move your feet. Better yet, save time and don’t go to Budget at all. I used to be a Budget customer, it’s really no trouble at all to switch – I’d rather not be charged for theoretical repairs and tracked to where I’m sleeping for the night. It’s the futuristic world of telematics! [via peacedividend]

2002jul12. I thought A Laughing Dog’s Discovery had wrapped for the season, but apparently they’re still recording new shows. The new show seems to feature the skeleton of the Niko Niko Punsuka Hamuemon set and logistics, but it’s done up in a Star Wars theme. So everyone’s wearing half-height Star Wars costumes (Hamuzo becomes Jabba the Hutt, etc). It looks like Admiral Akbar gets slathered with the irritant ... "It’s a trap!”

2002jul12. Buy.com is offering 10% off any of their books that are also available at Amazon, with free shipping. [google "Buy.com 'poor customer service’“]

2002jul15. Mail.

> Attn:- Purchasing / importing department, Dear Sir / Madam, Hoping very fine you in all matters. We manufacture the following items of international standard:- MANICURE, PEDICURE, BEAUTY CARE , SURGICAL, MEDICAL, DENTAL INSTRUMENTS AND TWEEZERS / SCISSORS OF ALL KINDS and offer you the above becuase you are importer/distributor and whole seller of them .We have the abilities to supply you above items of any size (big or small) as per your delivery schedule against better prices while comparing to yours or others prices.

Keeping in view the above, please give us a share of your present requirements of above items enabling us to prove our worth practically (quality-wise, prices-wise and service-wise) Your any question in the matter is highly appreciated. Thanking you in advance.

Yours truly Mian Sher [name]
[name] Industries
email: [Pakistan address]

Good day to you, Mian Sher [name]!!!!!

I would need to know a few things before I commit to ordering beauty care (and other) supplies from Pakistan.

1) Where are you located in Pakistan?

2) My understanding is that Pakistan is a “trouble spot.” What are you doing to meet this challenge “head-on"?

3) What sort of beauty supplies do you stock? Do you have “local” brands of interest?

4) Are you ISO 9001? 9000? This is not a requirement, but it is always nice to know when one is “friends of the family,” eh?

Thank you very kindly for your attention to this matter.

S. Tiburon

Dear Mr. S. Tiburon Thank you for your message, showing interest in our products. Under are the answer of your questions:- 1. We are located in an industrial City Sialkot (Pakistan) 2. Pakistan is not a trouble spot. It is very good to us as we are doing all the deeds normally without any harder. Anyhow there is a tention due to India but nothing. It is the India that is killing muslims in Kashmir and in other parts of the India. 3. We manufacture Beauty care, maincure instruments such Razor edge barber scissors, Thinning Scissors, Nail and cuticle Scissor, eye brow tweezer, Nail and cuticle nipper/cutter all these items of many kinds. 4. Still we have not obtained ISO 9002 certificate but we are considering to get the same. 5. Kindly inform us your complete mailing/visiting address with your fax and phone numbers for our needful. Your any further question in the matter is highly appreciated. Thanks and best regards Mian Sher [name]

Mian Sher [name] my friend!

Thank you for your quick follow-up. I am sorry to hear about your problems with India. The whole world watches your hair-trigger nuclear showdown with fear and uncertainty. We are currently moving our entire facility to a more “tony” location, and for the time being we are accepting mail at the following address: [address]. What we really need to see is photographs of the products you sell – here the best option would be a full-color catalog, though a black-and-white one will do in a pinch, and of course pricelists for lots, quantity discounts, etc. I am also wondering about the packaging – we have had problems with overseas products in the past, in that the packaging was “inappropriate” for US import. We are looking for dynamic packaging, packaging that SELLS! SELLS, DO YOU HEAR ME! This is the best packaging, I believe. When I am happy with your products, I will give you more contact information - our operators are swamped enough as it is, and this is a very dynamically crazy time here, with the move and all, I barely have enough time to use my own nail cutter! Ha! Ha! I hope our futuristic business dealings will be delicious!

Tib

[reply pending.]

2002jul17. Sega’s got a hot game out called Roommania. Stay in your room! Play video games! Sit on the edge of your bed ... for awhile. Stare listlessly at your walls! Get a fro! In your own room, all things are possible. SEGA! [link provided via the Cardhouse Anonymous Tip Line]

2002jul18. Old Japanese coffee commercials (1; 2). [via holly]

2002jul18. SHIT KEEPS FALLING
[Memo to self: Sue Nichibutsu for turning my hands into hamburger]

2002jul19. A request from a reader.

I’m looking for some Wendy’s fast-food chain training videos. Particularly one in which actors dressed as Wendy’s employees dance around a light-bulb rimmed apparatus of some sort and sing a number which I can only guess is called “white red and green.” Just wondering if you even knew where I could look for such a thing. I’m stumped myself.

2002jul20. Maakies: Spacklin'.

2002jul21. I have received an electronic signal indicating that I may remove and eat the food in the box.

2002jul22. Ftrain: Amusing google searches.

2002jul23. Kuro5shin discussion: leaving the US for political reasons.

2002jul24. Japanese cereal commercial. With tentacles.

2002jul24. Operation Carnival Booth. [via boingboing] A treatise on the neural-net CAPS system flagging of “suspicious” airline passengers and a simple/intuitive method to dance around it. Since CAPS can be circumvented, this means that its performance is worse than random checks. How much did we pay for this thing? Oh, and this little gem:

Future versions of CAPS, however, will be able to incorporate a richer set of data, including driving history, credit card purchases, telephone call logs, and criminal records, among other information. Though allowing CAPS to access some of this data would require changes in privacy legislation, Congress, following on the heels of the PATRIOT act, is poised to facilitate.

2002jul24. Operation TIPS rises from dead: Screw Armey. [via this modern world] “Our interest in establishing the Operation TIPS program is to allow American workers to share information they receive in the regular course of their jobs in public places and areas.” Like meter readers. Got it. Get out the chalk.

2002jul27. I’ve been getting spam every day for the last week from an ink cartridge seller. Each return email address is of course a different yahoo “one off” name (“dixxroglinkx”), the subject lines are misleading (“do you still wanna go?,” “Your way is my way,” etc) and the body of the mail message is just a link to the domain. So I thought I’d pass along their 800 number, since they really want people to call them. It’s 800 675 4319. Remember, calls to this number cost the company money, so make sure your calls are extremely short, to the point, and don’t hang up in the middle of the order. That would be wrong. Inks! [don’t forget to star-67 or whatever it is to block Caller ID if you’re on your own phone.] [disregard that – star-67 apparently doesn’t work against 800 numbers – a payphone would be good here]

2002jul28. Monster Dolls. Buy them, take them home, love them. For they are monsters. Snap on organs!

2002jul28. How far are you going to take this little charade, Dust-off? You’ve already hurt yourself and your friends ... what now, Dust-off, what now?

2002jul28. Spam-related mail.

800 675 4319 “The mailbox to --fulljack?-- is full.”

Guess we’ve done our job, huh?

Amy (Who’s Very Impressed with Macros, thank you very much.)

Ah! I usually call the number during the week - as you know, hand models tend to get callbacks only during the weekends. Someone else sent me these pointers to spam-trackers:

scumbag.searchify() ...

share and enjoy:

Spews.org/blahblahblah
Spamhaus.org/yapyapyap

Registrant:
One Source Computer Corp. (LVMFNSKIYD)
119 Herbert st
Framingham, MA 01702
US

Domain Name: SAVEONINKS.COM

That’s the one, officer. Take ’em away. What? I thought I got to say that. I didn’t get any spam from them today, and I sort of miss it now, just like when excruciating pain dissipates ... “wait ... come back ... ” In other news, if you leave Lightlife meatless low fat cholesterol free Smart Links Italian (that’s the name of the product – not “Italian Smart Links” or “Smart Links Italian-style”) in the fridge for a day or two you no longer have n soy-based hot dogs joined together, you have one (1) soy-based mass that is shaped like n soy-based hot dogs, which means that when you try to separate the hot dogs it is like separating modelling clay or dirt, which destroys the half-fantasy of eating a dead pig. Fool your friends! Great for parties. [Due to rising production costs, Fridge Funnies has been cancelled until further notice]

2002jul28. I let some people tour the Cardhouse Facility awhile ago, now it’s on the web. Everythin’s onna web nowadays.

2002jul31. I am totally buying into this, of course a prince is out walkin’ around in the desert by himself without water. The other guys? Yeah, I’m in. I’m buying the whole damned Dead Prince franchise.