2002jan04. First I was parking the car in MyTown. But someone put sugar in my gas tank, and later someone stole some money out of the ashtray. It wasn’t like the good ole’ days back in EarthquakeTown and people were smashing the window and trying to break into the trunk. I live on the border of MyTown and TheOtherRichTown, so I figured I’d park there. One day, a resident said I had left my car there two weeks; it was actually two days. Then the police started cracking down on all the bright little people from MyTown who got the idea to park in TheOtherRichTown. I left the car on the street overnight and there was a big placard on it the next day that said if you leave your car parked in the same place for seventy-two hours, well then, it’s going to be towed. Seventy-two big ones, very generous. So everyone went back to parking in MyTown. Well, now, in MyTown, they've got those street-sweeping rules for the non-existent street sweeper. It’s a fun game where you pretend the street gets sweeped every week, because the signs clearly read “street sweeping” and why would they say that if it wasn’t true? But the sign was gone, and the pole was bent down to the ground, so who knew? Not me. Got a ticket, twenty bucks. Paid the ticket – it’s also an envelope, so everyone can see your name, address, license plate number, etc. MyTown is just sort of coming into its own, town-wise, so they outsource their ticket-processing. The ticket went to TheOtherAdjacentTown, where it was processed, and then for some ungodly reason it went to Orange, California which is far, far away. So far! So by then I had really paid the living hell out of the ticket, but you can see that the system is built for maximum delay so all of these outsourcers can send out more envelopes so they get more money – after it hit Orange, I’m sure it went to India where some 10-year-old kid matched two pieces of paper, manufacturered a staple, put it all together and then sent it back. Orange UberTicketProcessing sent out a notice saying that if I hadn’t paid by January 2 the ticket would then magically upgrade and cost $62. So they sent that notice to me, but then the mailman put it in the wrong slot, and the guy who got it was on vacation and/or used it as a drink coaster and then finally put it in my mailbox January 3rd. So I jumped around for about twenty minutes and then called the 800 number (theory: China; prisoners) where I was able to determine that the ticket had been paid. Then I got another ticket. The end.
