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2002dec02. If you have sent mail to me using the contact page ... since, oh, let’s say ... September ... then the mail fell into a huge hole and may return at some point in the near future and I will respond. Before you get all pouty ... here, look – oodles of tourist scams. My favorite is the fake arms holding the baby.

2002dec04. Mail for Dr. Berk, our Staff Chemist.

Dr.Berk i’ve allways wanted to know what would happen to us, the world and what it would be like when human life has died out, and also the world is destroyed.

- Thomas

Dr. Berk has forwarded your question to me, the “caretaker” of Cardhouse Hothouse Plastics Ltd for an answer.

Let us start with the end. Who knows how it happens, perhaps it’s the heat death of the sun, or do astronomists say we'll move too close to the sun first and fry up crispy-style? I can’t remember. Anyway, we’re all dead, especially those of us who have obnoxious cellphone ringtones and talk to our cellphone friends about how cool it is that we’re writing a check out to the supermarket clerk at the same time – by a strange quirk of physics, those people will die first; horrible, horrible deaths that the rest of us will get to watch on giant DiamondVision screens in the larger gathering places of our respective countries (baseball stadiums, bullfighting rings, etc). But let’s skip over the messy part. The earth is quiet now. Finally. Perhaps there’s an automated factory or two still churning out PCBs for fast-food shakes, but the whole human race is gone. Then, as you mention, the world is destroyed. So instead of the Earth, let us suppose there is a hole. Well, the moon is going to be pretty pissed and just spin off somewhere into space. Let’s play a fun game and assume, though the chances are really quite small, that the moon actually hits another planet or moon or one of our porn channel satellites. Well, then there’s an explosion. Sort of like when Shoemaker-Levy hit Jupiter. Then things are quiet again. The next time a UFO comes to probe a few more of our butts, they’re all like “WTF? Did I miss the turn?” Then they see all of our space debris and 500-channel satellites going “beep beep beep?” and realize there will be no more probing, ever. The end.

2002dec04. Mail That Was Lost But Now It Is Found.

i used to be able to buy heide “private stock” jucyfruits at a k-mart in illinois- are they still available? jim

Yes. No.

Looking for a roll of candy wafers, round, with a heart stamped on top with a cute saying, called Love Hearts. Not conversation hearts.

I am looking for a briefcase full of cash stamped with a cute saying: “THIS IS YOURS.”

In your research, have you come across any of the parent companies for these candy cigarettes? I’m curious to find out if these candies were actually put out by the cigarette companies or by independent candy manufacturers.


This is the second email I’ve gotten about this. No. The candy companies put out candy cigarettes that looked like cigarettes with the blessing of the major cigarette manufacturers, or they did themselves “on the sly,” hoping (correctly) that they wouldn’t get sued. Or maybe they hadn’t even thought of that lawsuit angle. That’s how it was, back then. A lawless mélange of corporations and people, trying to do good in a world that really didn’t care. What?

I am currently taking a college class that wants me to examine and spruce up existing packaging of a product with a logo and name that are synoymous with each other. Living in Canada and able to purchase Popeye candy sticks I have done so. I read that they are not available in the US. Is that true? Also, do you know why they as well as other sticks like them are no longer called candy cigarettes? Is it due to the political corrected society we live in?

You can get package variants of Popeye candy “sticks” in the US. They are no longer called candy cigarettes because they don’t want to attract any attention to themselves. Shhhhh.

DEAD BEAT DAD! HAROLD WESLEY FALVEY,58,has a brother john,mothers name was thelma,last known to be in california,owes over 25,000 in back child support.any info please send. THANKS

Seems like you’ve got everything under control ... although – did you know? Harold enjoys the defunct musical band “INXS” and is pretty excited about that new fridge technology, the one with the loud noises inside that makes it cold instead of the freon or freon substitutes? Yeah.

Do you know why World Candies prints the weight of their packages as 8/16 oz.? That strikes me as weird, since 8/16 = 1/2. Perhaps the answer is Slovenia. Thanks.

1/2 also reduces to 0/1. In Slovenia.

Hi Mike The depth of your demented yet creative psyche cotinues to leave me speechless ... ..speechles I say.See you later. Glen

Right back at cha. Love, Mike.

i dont know why i am typing this.my fingers are numb and i cant feel my feet.it’s just to hard to get my foot up near the keyboard.i need to go to sleep.my friends say i should go to hell.given the choice ... ..goodnight.

And thus.

I want to order some Black Black Gum by Lotte. its Japanese. could you help??

No. Yes. No again.

hello jon,

i was looking around cardhouse in order to locate your correspondence with the nigerian bank account scammers. please consider setting up a correspondence section in the archives because your exchanges with various misguided parties are a real treat to read. if it’s on the site somewhere and i’ve missed it, please let me know.


I don’t want them to find me. Actually, in reality, I find Cardhouse is much more fun when everything scrolls off the page and is gone forever. It creates a warm “immediacy” to the site. Do you feel the warm? Love, Jon.

You rhymes, while prodigious, are inherently flawed when compared to mine, as my rhymes have had congress with your moms.

But seriously.

I guess a lot of people went to see that Eminem movie. “I wonder how he'll rap his way out of this one?”

And finally, just where are the Fat Boys when we need them most?

This is one in which he raps and almost gets off the island. Also, from what I understand via their musical compositions, the Fat Boys are “back.” Lastly I only have one mom. Oooh, burn.

do you sell yugioh cards here

Yes. Under the Lotte Black Black gum, just a little to the left of the Love Hearts.

Re: My Rhymes Are Quite Possibly The Best Ever

Have you heard “M.C. Escher” by Momus? I’d send it to you, but it’s over 3Mb.


Under the Love Hearts, on the other side of the Yugioh cards.

In your web pages, you have a bowling game from “Marchon Family Games Power Alley Electronic Bowling™.”It’s priced at $99.99. Can you find a retailor for me so I can purchase it? There is no-one in the state of New Jersey that carry this game. I had one in the 80’s.

Sam Pisano

It’s ... [throwing up hands, running away]

2002dec04. Mail.

Dear sir, We are producer and exporter of fruits and especialy potato in iran.we want to send this commodities to importers in dubai by FCA.if you interest to buy it please send us your request to send you our best kind of potatos with (L.C).

especial thanks. masoud
azarnoosh Co.

Masoud! What am I looking for in an Iranian potato? I'll tell you what. I’m looking for the deffest, baddest Iranian potato you can offer me! We go by FCA, to the T to the A, if you know what I mean, and I sure don’t! I’d have you send me a sample or two of your sweet, sweet non-sweet potatos, but right now Poindexter is breathing down my back, capisca? He’d be all over an Iranian potato dropping in my mailbox like some kind of felonialtastic lying son of a bitch placed at the helm of the new Big Brother & The Infinitely Detained Company would be over a Syrian yam. “IT IS POTATO! FROM IRAN!” he’d bellow, and ellipsis you fill in the rest. So thanks but no. Send postcard of potato instead! Cardhouse Produce [address]

2002dec10. [Washington Post – may require you to fill out a form telling them exactly who you are. A different you every time! How useful for their marketers]

2002dec13. The Practical Nomad on that endearing little AmEx Chinese baby adoption commercial. If you have even the slightest desire to do some international travel, pick up his book first, it’s a swell pivot point.

2002dec14. I would like to give you a Space Pen free of charge.

2002dec14. I no longer would like to give you a Space Pen free of charge.

2002dec16. Mail.

To whom it may concern:

My name is Brenda [Lastname] and I purchased Popeye Cigarettes at a local Baxter’s convenient store. UPC code is 067535302504 and the problem I have with this product that I never had before is that when I opened up the box of candy cigarettes there was a long black hair in the box. I was totally disgusted and I was hoping to be compensated in some way for this horrible ordeal.

Please and thank you,

Does it look like human hair? Dog hair? Rat hair? I’m going to need to know more about the hair.

To whom it may concern,

It was human hair. A long black human hair about 2 inches in length.

Yours truly,

Brenda [lastname]


I’ve thought about this for awhile, and I guess the only thing I can say is ... I’m sorry.

2002dec18. You get a tax refund. No, wait, you should be taxed more. Make up your mind, oh evil overlord, we’re swerving all over the road. Love this quote:

In such an environment, the masses will always vote for politicians promising ever-more-generous social programs, knowing they will not have to pay for such programs.
Yep, that’s been happening a lot lately. “Ever-more-generous social programs.” So many, they’re impossible to count. Just call it what it is: WAR TAX. Anyway, it’s weird how the poor are paying less taxes and yet are still poor but the rich who are paying more taxes keep getting richer. But hey, maybe if the poor pay more taxes they’ll get richer and the rich pay less taxes they’ll get ... less rich. So who’s going to start the US Economic Collapse Death Pool?

2002dec19. Sex money. Always a problem.

2002dec19. Jumping through fiery INS hoops.

2002dec23. Mail.

Do you know where I can purchase a Real Live Babe and friends toy?


No, I don’t, especially with it being, what, two days before Christmas, Donner? But I can tell you where to get an Upside Down Lick or a 2 Girls Show pretty much any time day or night. Raunchy, cash-fueled sex: the gift that keeps on giving. Happy Holidays, everyone!

2002dec26. Interview: Chuck Palahniuk. [nov]