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2002apr02. I got a real, actual letter in the postal mail the other day, complaining about our candy cigarettes. Apparently there was some mold in one of the packs. I’m speechless – I thought our QC was top of the line. Heads are going to roll.

2002apr03. Kaeru is a stuffed frog that for some reason is loved by Japanese skating fans. Kaeru likes to travel.

2002apr03. Ebay: Look out fruit machines!

2002apr03. Praise : My son tried it , and he is well chuffed!!!

2002apr04. Cockeyed: Lose Money at Home: Those Stupid Signs Are All From Herbalife And It’s A Pyramid Scam! Tear Them Down, My Minions! Tear Them Down! But seriously, this is a must-read. I'll be carving up at least one sign on the periphery of my community.

2002apr04. Smooch smooch mmmmmm ... . hahaha, sucker.

2002apr04. US chicken epidemic. Noted for the phrase “a trickle of chicken meat.”

2002apr05. Mail.

Hi there! My name is Daniel and I live in Sweden. I stumbled across your so so translation of the Swedish “RAPPAKALJA” card and thought I’d send you a proper one (I’m at work in the middle of the night and quite bored). Anyway here comes:

1.The owner of the only American museum, in which she displays nuts, nut crackers and furniture made out of nut shells.

Bye for now, nice pages by the way.

Daniel

2002apr07. Hamster Tales.

2002apr08. I’ve thought of a much easier way to smuggle drugs into the U.S. First, smuggle tons of drugs from the U.S. into Mexico. This is much easier, you'll get no hassle at all. Then, reverse time.

2002apr08. Jackie Chan on Tetsuwan Dash game show, trying to ride as far as he can on a bicycle without peddling. [pix, mpgs]

2002apr08. Google should have a tip jar. I mean, a tip jar for Google.

2002apr08. “Sailing, take me away to where I’m going AIIIEEEEE!!!” The best part about being at the coast by the Cliff House awhile ago was seeing so many types of lifeforms grabbing the free power out there – kitesurfers, windsurfers, surfers, kites, people in go-carts being pulled by parasails, hang gliders, and the tiniest free-power leeches of them all: by-the-wind sailors. Blue “sailing” jellies are JAMMING the shores of Monterey Bay to get a glimpse of the aquarium’s new jellyfish exhibit. Back at the Cliff House, there were thousands and thousands of jellies were on the beach, in some places you couldn’t even see the sand, just a strange long blue slick. My friend grabbed one and brought it to the aquarium and one of the guides had never seen this type of jellyfish. [Pointing out window: “Well, take a good look at ’em!”] So cute! 1, 2, 7, 38

2002apr08. Trademark searches for the word “fuck.”The fourth column indicates whether or not the trademark is still in effect. Only five?

1  78007694  MYNDFK THE MINDFUCK CHANNEL  DEAD
2 76154348 FUCKINTERNET.COM DEAD
3 75641339 FUCK. COM DEAD
4 75171250 FUCK OF THE YEAR DEAD
5 75111620 WE FUCK U DEAD

2002apr10. New Leisuretown.

2002apr10. I need to drink some orange juice or lemonade that really knocks me out. I mean, like physically taunts me, delivers a few jabs, then straight in with the uppercut. I need to find some high-quality licorice. I need to buy a new VCR because I killed the old one by suffocating it when it became feeble. There are hundreds of things I need to do, and they’re all more important than doing my taxes.

2002apr10. Mail.

Omigawd, did you read this part? “This strange looking purple-blue animal is not one animal at all. The by-the-wind sailor is actually a whole colony of tiny jellyfish-like creatures called polyps. They live on a gas-filled float with a skeleton mast supporting a thin sail.” Can you imagine living in a gas-filled float with a bunch of other people? It’s bad enough sharing an apartment, or even a house but a gas-filled float with a skeleton mast? I wouldn’t last a day.

Amy

I think the gas would probably knock you out before then. Also, it would be cold. Wait a second ... the other pages said that the float was “air filled.” So I think you’re okay, there. Just bundle up, and make friends with your fellow polyps and the skeleton.

2002apr11. Hello, and welcome to the fourteenth stop on the “Rainy Day Fun and Games for Toddler and Total Bastard” virtual book tour, the book tour that’s lying in the fetal position, soaked in its own urine, muttering “Six to go ... Six to go ... ” to itself. My name is Greg Knauss and, yes, now that you ask, I am one of those self-satisfied new parents who think that they’re the first person to contribute a set of chromosomes to anything other than a hankie. And, yes, this book is entirely devoted to the documentation of the result. So now that I’ve convinced myself to buy a copy, why should you?

Each and every one of these is a reason to buy a copy of my book; to buy several, in fact. Because the next time you happen across anyone doing any of the above, you can pull a copy out of your trunk, hand it to them and say, “This jackass wrote a whole book about his kids, and he’s still less self-absorbed than you, dipweed. You might want to re-evaluate your decision to breed.”

Also, I could use the money. My widdle nubby-bumpkins are going to the Ivy League. Yes, they are. Yes, they are.

If you’re still not convinced – and by the look of vague nausea on your face, I don’t think you are – here’s a sample of what you'll find inside:

I walked outside to get something from the van this morning, and across the street was a neighbor, out for a walk with his toddler. I smiled and waved and noticed that they were dressed the same, his boy and him – they were wearing shorts and t-shirts and both had baseball caps on.

And I thought about how we influence our children, how they’re tiny mirrors of everything we are, consciously or not. How we dress them and teach them and show them the world will influence how they live the rest of their lives.

And I turned around to head back inside and Tom was standing in the doorway, wearing a ski cap, waving my lightsaber TV clicker and without his pants.

Which pretty much confirmed my theory.

Also, questions:

Someone whose e-mail I lost asks: How many pages are in your book? I can’t find information on the So New Media site.

That’s a perceptive question, e-mail person, and it demonstrates a knowledge that the definition of “book” can range from 80-page pamphletty things up to, say, “Infinite Jest.” “Rainy Day Fun and Games for Toddler and Total Bastard,” just coincidentally, falls on the pamphletty side of the spectrum, and that’s not even counting the fact that some of the pages are packed – packed, I tell you! – with a whole sentence. In the book-selling biz, we call it a “breezy read” rather than “very expensive whitespace.”

If you have any questions about the “book,” me, my children or the basics of capitalism that allow you to exchange cash for any or all of the above, please write to me. Thanks for coming, and see you tomorrow at bernreuther.com, where I'll be talking about my kids. Imagine that.

2002apr12. For some reason I’m getting swamped with mail today. Your patience is appreciated.

The game show I’ve been calling “Hamster Audio Color Tetris” is actually called “Smile Big Smack Hamster.”I think that’s a little bit catchier.

This guy looks like my sixth-grade teacher. You know the one, he grabbed me by my hair to place me back into a line that had formed at the classroom door? That sweetheart. Anyway, there’s another “Special” (that’s what the “SP” is for, apparently), though I don’t know if it’s going to be on this weekend or next. I’ve set up a separate Smile Big Smack Hamster page consolidating all the information here + some other stuff. It has two new audio files so you can listen to the drama of SBSH right in your very own home. These audio files are not related to the audio file mentioned in my response to this email at all:

I would like to purchase a case of the candy stix. How much are they? Is this possible? They do not sell them where I am. Please respond.

Thanks

Mona

We’re in the process of placing ordering information online. At this time, all of the ordering information is available via WAV audio file at the following location:

../a/candy/candyinfo.wav

You should be able to hear the information through your computer’s speakers -- the WAV file is 600k, it may take awhile to load. This should answer all of your questions! Thanks for your patronage.

2002apr13. Dire Announcement. [02apr24: see Deuce of Clubs Theft Page for new/additional info ... ] And so now comes the part where I ask you a favor. If you’ve ever even remotely enjoyed Deuceofclubs.com (remember the Mojave Phone Booth?) or even Cardhouse / Macros2000 ... please kickdown some money to Doc at this Amazon Honor System Paypage (Visa, MasterCard/EuroCard, Discover, American Express, Diner’s Club, JCB, check cards or ATM accepted) so he can get his life back together again ... even a dollar would help out! Thank you kindly.

2002apr13. Finally saw The Billy Nayer Show Thursday. Super superb, even without the guitar player, who was apparently suffering from a case of the worms. Check ’em out. Also, if you get a chance, see their film, American Astronaut. Here are some random links. Here they are.

Substantial Interview
Short Interview
Review of band
Review of film
Review of film

2002apr16. Look out! Google upgrade ... it’s accepting words like “the,” and also reroutes your poorly-spelled searches:

Your original search: “evolutiona control committee” was misspelled and returned 0 results.
The corrected search: “ evolution control committee” was done instead and the results appear below.
It’s like a frickin’ ROBOT SEARCH GOD ...

2002apr16. Fashion Kitty: Creepy, wrong, etc.

2002apr17. This Is Not Art [via nelo].

2002apr17. Interview with Takashi Murakami [via gmtplus9]

2002apr17. Sean Connery Golf Project. A movie about stealing a poor movie script from Sony, rewriting it, then putting it back in the pile.

2002apr17. How To Be An Appreciative Audience Member.

2002apr18. Amazing Race 2: Mary and the soft bruisable fruit were eliminated yesterday, learning a valuable lesson: the fast-forward isn’t for the team in last place. I thought the soft bruisable fruit was starting to grow a spine, but she backslid, hard, after having to drink a non-tasty tea. Can we just eliminate one person from each team? Mary and Tara, there’s a team for ya.

The Practical Nomad has been writing related summaries for each week – this week on traveler’s privacy (or lack thereof). This is the only show I watch, so cut me some slack. I mean, that and The Prisoner.

2002apr18. I want a smart browser that will underline links only when the color of the text and the color of the links are “too close” for me to squint and figure out what’s a link and what is not, or some dunderhead has decided that the link color and text color should be the same. I would also like some Black Rabbit licorice from Australia.

2002apr28. How Wal-Mart is Remaking our World. The only thing I use chain stores for is their exceptionally clean bathroom facilities. I strongly urge everyone to go to the bathroom at Wal-Mart, McDonald’s, etc. Think about it – one person reads this, and says to themselves “I can go to the bathroom at the exploitative international restaurant/merchandise conglomerates and I will go to the bathroom there!” and this is done over a lifetime, the aggregate cost is like so many wrenches in the works, my friends, wrenches in the works.

2002apr28. Nation’s Plastic Reserves Rapidly Dwindling Due To Introduction of Frito-Lay’s Bulletproof “Go” Snack Container. “The lid doubles as a bowl.” Cellphones can be used as tables, I use my mouse as a car jack, black is now white, etc.

2002apr28. Cintra.