2001oct02. The first round of Dumbass Reader Poker has been completed. I put up my hand, which I received today from someone with an AOL account:
Hi, can you please tell me what the point of your website is? Thanks!
Doc of deuceofclubs.com then flushed me out with this beauty, which he also received today:
I’m picking up on a vibe that you are a Bitter and Lonely Human. Have you been spurned? Oppressed? What is it that has made you so durn ... Whatever it is that you are?
Man, I should have held onto that letter from Mrs. Herman last week ...
We are doing a Trade Show and need approx. 400 pieces of Bubble Gum cigars that are normally used for ‘it’s a boy – it’s a girl’ baby giveouts. Do you have any that say simply ‘congratulations’ or even without a message in a mixture of blue and pink. This is a strange request, but we would need them here by October 12th – thus, the urgency for your reply before I try and check with other vendors. Thank you, Nikki Hagan – NEC Technologies.
There is absolutely nothing on my website that gives any indication that I’m in the business of selling bubble gum cigars. No “shopping baskets,” no ”customer service,” no “prices,” no “eight hundred number,” no “ordering page.”Maybe you need to take a break. I mean more like a “step back” or a sabbatical of some sort. Get some perspective, go on a road trip with no destination in mind, just cruise. Roll around the lower 48 like you just don’t care. Free your mind, and your buttocks will follow. That sort of action. I used to work, just like you. One time, the executive secretary said to me “I haven’t taken a vacation in five years.”Like she was proud of it. I was going to tell her she was nuts, but I figured, you know, she made her own life. I was fired less than a week later, but I think it was really for stealing the soft-drink machine. It was one of those really old ones, you know, where the sodas were all in bottles and you could read the cap to figure out what brand of soda-pop it was, but there was like a metal neck-clamp so you couldn’t take the bottle? I read somewhere that bad kids used to use bottle openers to open the bottles while they were still clamped – then they’d drink the soda with a straw, piss in the bottle and hammer the cap back on. Ain’t that a corker? Man, there ain’t NOTHING like living in America.
2001oct10. A cartoon mystery. There was a cartoon, maybe from the 60’s-70’s, that somehow centered around a dog and a man getting into some sort of accident. An ambulance arrives, and the paramedic makes a grievous medical error, dispensing “human plasma” to the dog, and “dog plasma” to the man, causing them to switch identities. I think this is the premise for the episode. I have nothing else to go on – I don’t know who created it, what company released it, nothing. I do remember that there was another cartoon drawn in the same style laden with puns – e.g., a man with a large sculpture of the letters “O” and “N” on his back with the voiceover “But I carried on!,” a fiendish cat holding a small pink blob with the voiceover “cat got your tongue?” If you know anything about this, drop me a line.
Samuel et son chien Rover sont écrasés en traversant une rue. Un infirmier leur fait une transfusion mélangeant le plasma du chien et celui de son maître. Les résultats sont surprenants. Chez le boucher, Sam se précipite sur un morceau de viande dont il va ensuite enterrer l’os. Maggie, la femme de Sam, est sidérée en découvrant que, de son côté Rover se comporte comme son mari. Sam attaque le laitier et Rover refuse sa pâtée habituelle. Sam et Rover se battent ensemble et se mordent mutuellement. Sam poursuit un petit chat. Rover intervient et sauve le chat qui n’y comprend plus rien. Mais Maggie et sa chienne Fifi sont, a leur tour écrasées. Une nouvelle erreur de transfusion inverse le comportement de chacune des deux. Tout est donc désormais, pour le mieux.
Ah, le erreur de transfusion! Merci, merci ... merde! Le website du microphone: il est ici, chou-tête!
2001oct12. So, to recap what we know so far, in English. The cartoon “dog plasma” cartoon mystery was “Crazy Mixed-Up Pup,” created by Tex Avery under the Walter Lantz studio. It was nominated for an Academy Award in 1954 but mysteriously lost out to a Mr. Magoo short entitled “Mr. Magoo Pays Off The Academy With Real, Actual Money And Wins The 1954 Academy Award For Best Cartoon.”"Mixed-Up Pup” is apparently on a “Woody Woodpecker & Friends” compilation tape. Logically, there about twenty different “Woody Woodpecker & Friends” tapes (some including that dreary “Andy Pandy” feller (“Andy Panda Breathes Some Air,” “Andy Panda Sits And Stares At The Cartoon Ceiling For Approximately Seventeen Minutes”), most including public-domain cartoons that are public-domain for a very special reason), making any attempt to find it that much more exhilirating. In addition, the other cartoon I mentioned, with all of the cliches (“cat got your tongue”), was also created by Tex Avery and called Symphony In Slang. The page is in French (except for the phrases) as was the previous one because the French people have a deep appreciation for Monsieur Avery and zee slapstickery. As should you. The End.
2001oct13. I’ve just received word from Sears that I am pre-qualified.
2001oct13. If you type someone’s name in google one of the top ten hits will indicate that someone else with that person’s name has participated in some sort of running race.
2001oct14. Oh, I’m just playing with this nifty little 2D cellular automata java applet in breathy anticipation of the new Wolfram book on cellular automata that will destroy all of our pre-existing notions of science and also everyone will get a free car. I know this is a 2D application and Woflram’s dealing primarily in 1D, but it’s saturday night, I’m not putting in any more research until these clods at Cardhouse start paying me at least time-and-a-half.
2001oct15. I’ve been pounding myself a new dent in my forehead looking for a nice EPS clipart version of the USA. I mean, a free one. Why is this so difficult? You’d think it would be a pretty common thing, one of the first things a young graphic designer is going to put in their bag of tricks. I hereby decree the need for an open-source graphics website. It would be like one of those millions of clipart art sites, but you know, with graphics people would actually want to use, not a 20x20 animated GIF of a guy typing on a computer or a stick-figure construction worker digging a hole.
2001oct20. Mail. I waited for awhile before posting this one. No answer.
DEAR SIRS, We are NIKI IMPORT-EXPORT COMPANY LTD in VIET NAM.We specialize in Malt for some company in Vietnam.We act on a sole agency basis for a number of manufactures.
We have obtained your address from Internet .Please let us know about Malt .We are writing to enquire whether you would be willing to establish business relations with us. We shall be glad to enter into business relations with your company.
At present, We are interested in extending our and We would appreciate your catalogues and quotations
We look forward to your early reply.
PLEASE CONTACT WITH US AT: [mail address]
NIKI IMPORT-EXPORT COMPANY LTD
[address] ,DISTRICT 3 ,HO CHI MINH CITY
FAX : [number]
Hello, NIKI IMPORT-EXPORT COMPANY LTD in VIET NAM.
We don’t have any catalogues, we’re very just-in-time. What I need to know is what kind of malt you’re looking for ... Because we’re selling about several different types of malt here – malt malt, barley malt, malt extract, processed malt ... I mean, what type of applications? you’ve got your psychoacoustical malt, Plastimalt™ for the smelting industry, and obviously GPSmalt for military/industrial/avionics/security purposes ... then I can hook you up with our luscious salesteam and we will collude/extrude ...
2001oct22. I’ve been installing a few things on my PC. Typically, I can go months without installing something. I’m not one of those pumped-up geeks who has to have the latest, the greatest. I want a stable system, nothing more. Somewhere in the middle of all this installing one of the programs put an icon on my desktop and in my system menu pointing to the “FREE BonziBUDDY” website, consisting of a small monkey. Apparently it’s some sort of web helper application. BonziBUDDY talks to you or something. It must be like that Microsoft paper clip, but for old people.
You know what? I’ve got a hard enough time juggling all of this junk, keeping it all in the air at the same time without some scumbagware putting ads on my desktop. So I hunted down BonziBUDDY and I killed him, the end.
In other news, boingboing is still down. I’m going to have start on the methadone pretty soon.
Free Bonzibuddy – I got one of those too. I think it came in with the latest upgrade to the Audiogalaxy client, although YMMV, of course.
I realise Audiogalaxy has to make money, but by allowing the Bonzi arseholes to include this unannounced adware into their installation, they’ve just gone down several points in my esteem.
By the way, I’m looking for two and a half tons of Pontefract Cakes ...
-- James (in the UK)
Ah. Audiogalaxy, of course. I did just install that. I use it, of course, to download public-domain MP3s and to back up my own music collection. I am listening to “David Foster Wallace” by Tsunami and I am also recommending that (and Tipsy and Le Tigre and Ladytron) and I’m occasionally slipping off to the library to read “A Supposedly Fun Thing Which I’ll Never Do Again” or whatever by David Foster Wallace. I’m “behind the times,” it is to be assured. But! But! This whole Pontrefract Cakes business is an interesting one. I can’t tell if they’re hard licorice or soft licorice because I didn’t read the whole article and it’s important to note that hard licorice blows. Also, here is another page that features Pontrefact Cakes and of course, Uncle Joe’s Mint Balls, which has been covered in-depth by at least one other humor site so nothing more will be said here except that the Uncle Joe’s Mint Balls font kicks fucking ass. Oh, there he goes again with the fucking.
Anyway, a lot of groovy things are happening all at once. There will be more on all of this stuff as it reaches the finish line. There is also more mail from people who think Cardhouse is a candy factory, but as always, I’m giving them a chance to volley back to my horrendously callous and snide replies, to dig even deeper for that rich vein of comedic gold.
So, are they soft? I like soft licorice. We can’t find anywhere to buy good soft licorice anymore, now it’s all Panda and American Licorice and Kookaburra which isn’t that bad, but come on, that shape! Christ. No, the licorice is not in the shape of Christ.
Dear Editors ...
My name is [name], and I am a professional journalist in Middlesizedcity, State.
I would like to interest you in a story proposal for the no-holds-barred Mixed Martial Arts event known as Ultimate Fighting.
[Sportsname], Inc. is having a match here in Middlesizedcity on Dayname, Monthname Datenumber. I will have access to the fighters and anyone else I need. A piece on this sport and how it is sweeping the nation will be right up your alley, as an entertainment paper.
If you have never seen an event like this, you can’t imagine what it is like. It is raw, yet glitzy. There are pyrotechnics; there is energetic music thumping in the arena. It is really something else.
I would like to introduce this event to Cardhouse’s readers who are unfamiliar with it, and find a unique perspective for those who already enjoy it. Or even provide food for thought for those who don’t care for it at all. Whatever your thoughts on the matter, it is a fascinating display.
Please let me know if you would be interested. I can work from any angle: the show, the fighters, the behind-the-scenes people, the safety aspect, the male fans, the female fans. Whatever you need, I can do it.
I may be reached most easily at the above email address.
I look forward to speaking with you.
I think most of my readers are very familliar with Ultimate Fighting. I think half of my readers have probably participated in Ultimate Fighting one way or another, even if that simply means breaking a chair over a co-worker’s head during lunch. Those crazy Cardhouse readers! I tell ya.
These options you’ve given all sound pretty standard to me. What I’m looking for here is something new and exciting, a completely different perspective. If you’ll induldge me, let me set up the scenario in which [name] becomes the story:
First, you’ll need a bear costume, and some kind of flying harness, like the ones used for stage productions of “Peter Pan.” My shakey understanding of Ultimate Fighting is that the whole ring is enclosed in what I’m remembering as an eight-foot high fence, so no one escapes. That keeps the contestants in, but it’s not going to keep you, [name], out. Okay, now, you’re going to have to gain the confidence of the floor manager of the Ultimate Fighting competition. I don’t know how you’re going to do this – but you’re a journalist, you can figure out a way. Slip him a twenty to rig up the flying harness in advance of the fight. You might want to also have it obscured by banners and flowery foo-faa, so as not to attract attention.
So now, the fight’s started. Here’s where the fun begins, and I’m sure you’ve already anticipated where I’m going with this. You would wait until both contestants are good and bloody, all slicked up with the red juice, okay? The crowd is going nuts, they want more blood, and you just go off to one side of the stadium, put on the bear costume, attach yourself to the harness (you might have to some ”practice runs” at rehearsal), and zip right over the ring. You of course would then drop into the ring, and from here, well, there are several options, but let’s consider two:
1) The logical (yet nonsensical) imitating-a-bear display of growling, attempting to maul one or both contestants, more growling, etc.
2) Standing on your hind legs, grabbing the microphone, making an impassioned plea to stop the violence, in the name of the animal kingdom.
I’m sure you can think of more scenarios here – or, perhaps you could just wing it. You never know what could happen when your adrenaline starts pumping and you’re wearing a bear costume in the middle of an Ultimate Fighting match.
The pay is ten dollars for the completed story. Good luck.
I Should have suggested taking LSD as well. Wasn’t really thinking. It’s 3:00am here.
2001oct31. Well, there goes my fun. I can no longer consume THC-laced birdseed, according to the FDA.. So why don’t they just fucking round everyone up and put them in mall-based concentration camps already. Call it the “Freedom March.” Save us all from our horrible, horrible selves. Anyway, I loved this wiggy “Dr. Bronner responds to the DEA” comment over on plastic.com.