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Cardhouse
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2001nov01. Yep, I’m a candy factory. Toot toot, makin’ the candy. Also, I like to give out tons of free candy information!

Hi,

I’m a promotional material supplier, and am having difficulty locating 5000 brandable candy cigarettes.

Can you help? A 1930’s brand would be cool..

Please mail me back asap, to PERSON AT PESON DOTCOM

Look forward to hearing from you.

Vital

have some more ...

Sir: I do enjoy very much the smaller version of the Necco wafers candy. I am 69 years old, and ever since I can remember I have loved the Necco Wafers. But, because of retirement I have had to stop eating the Necco Wafers as the pension check I get each month does not allow me to splurge money on canddies. But, A certain supermarket chain by the name of Albertson’s here in Houston Texas began to sell the miniature Necco Wafer candys, they are called Stark Candy Wafers. So once again because of their low selling price, I have been able to buy and enjoy these delicious candy wafers. But, Now, Albertsons has been cutting out the sales of Stark Candy Wafers. I have been buying them by the carton they come in. What I need is an address or a telephone number so that I can order these stark candy wafers. They are not listed in this website. thank you

... and some more from Indonesia ...

TOP TOP URGENT

Dear Card House

I am citizen of Indonesia who want to know how to purchase one slove of PALM CIGARETTE OF PIETERMAN (HOLAND – 2000), frankly speaking I need only this small quantity due to my grand father who are very sick and maybe this is his last request. so dear card house, please let me know how to purchase this or maybe you have suggestion to buy this cigartte in Indonesia.

Best regards Rustam

I think that’s all of recent ones. So, I’m asking you, my loyal readers - should I redesign the site as a candy manufacturing facility and move the weblog somewhere else to draw in more suckers, or should I continue to send them very, very sour replies? Or both? Or neither? It’s UP ... TO YOU!

2001nov01. What I’d like to reflect on this Halloween is how utterly horrible Hershey’s Kisses are. They’re reprehensible. I am now satirically suggesting that they’re manufactured out of old carpet remnants. Quite a jest!

2001nov01. Doing “research.” Found Bunny Goes Raving on the web archive for a friend, and never noticed this update to blowthedotoutyourass.com from last year. Dots are blown in Africa.

2001nov02. Cardhouse’s beloved Dr. Cliff now has a dental-related tattoo. I think he should get another one of those smiling teeth you always see outside the dentist’s office, but this one would be scowling and brandishing some hideous dental tools. The kids would dig it.

2001nov02. This is extremely important: I had a sour stomach for two.5 days after eating those Hershey Kisses. Or it might have been the tiny “fun size” OilButterfinger bar. Or the five million “even more fun size” Crunch bars. I don’t know, I’ll figure it out before I fill out the police report (heading: “ohhhh, my tummy”).

2001nov05. A recent article in the Sunday Times contains pictorial excerpts from the “amazing” Al-Quada terrorist manual. “Cribbed from manuals given to secret services from around the world,” reads one caption under a pipe rigged with explosives.

Here’s another shot of the pipe. Or rather, here’s a completely different picture of the same pipe, from a different source – I took this one from issue 10 of X Magazine, published in 1992. I got the image from military book FM5-31, “Boobytraps.” It’s got all sorts of goodies in there, including that chocolate bar explosive mentioned in the article.

It was published by the U.S. government in 1965 and is freely available on the web in at least two places (one, two), or you could just go to your local army/navy surplus store. Heck, the GPO might still print ‘em up. It also has interesting tactics that “could be used by the enemy” (nudge, nudge), including setting off a small charge in a building to attract people, whereupon you set off the second, larger explosive.

In the end, the term “secret services” is a little misleading. But I think it’s most likely that the CIA just passed the manuals along to Bin Laden awhile ago with a hearty slap on the back.

2001nov05. Totally Extreme Christmas Pops!!!!!111!1 This display was stationed at a local market. I have two observations: (1) every time I walk into a store, which is not that often, the only thing running constantly through my brain go something like this: “who’s buying all this shit? who in the hell is purchasing this [mentally gesturing to insane holiday-themed item]? Or this [gesturing]?” (2) The word “extreme” now officially means absolutely nothing. I’ve also made the belated discovery that the only place in Safeway, for example, that you’re going to find healthy, non-gimmicked food is in baby jars. It’s imperative for babies to eat healthy food, but after that, you’re on your own, pal.

2001nov06. Interview with Prankster John Law

2001nov07. I AM WELDING ANDROID I WILL WELD YOUR FACE OFF / I AM WELDING BULLDOG RUFF RUFF WE WILL COMPETE TO SEE WHO IS THE BEST WELDER IT WILL BE A WELD-OFF / YES IT WILL BE A WELD-OFF / I AM WELDING HOG I TOO WILL COMPETE – HAVE A GREAT DAY!

2001nov07. Soosan sends word that there’s a “spectacular” lumber truck chase on CNN right now – apparently the lumber in the back of the truck is on fire, as well as a forklift. I don’t have cable, so I’m counting on her sporadic updates via email.

2001nov07. The other John Law article [via big rig industries]

2001nov07. Flaming lumber truck action. via [peacedividend]

2001nov08. I just received an email message from my friend who’s vacationing in Europe. He had to go through a strangely-named online mail service called “Yahoo.” At the end of his message there was an ad for Yahoo, a promotional consideration for the “stamps” (?) provided by another company, another ad to “click here” to join some weird cult and win, according to the mail message , “COOL PRIZES,” and an animated gif ad for an mp3 downloading service hosted by a growling cup of coffee. On top of all this, I finally did some half-hearted research on the Internet Bearer Underwriting Corporation and was disappointed to learn that funding has been almost non-existent. Selling dog food over the internet? That, that gets millions of dollars. But creating a foundation of digital cash that actually makes some sense, not like this “penny a page” nonsense? You get squat, so everyone gets four ads in their email.

2001nov09. Please enjoy the lyrics to Kaimono-o Theme? Thank you.

2001nov09. Cardhouse Bay Area Challenge #14: One day we were flipping around the TV dial and found NHK. It was a program called “Kid’s Challenge.” But I can’t seem to find any reference to the show, or a station broadcasting NHK, anywhere. This is broadcast TV, mind you. I’ve tried KCRT, KTEH, KQED ... nothing. Anyone?

2001nov11. Kogepan characters. A popular series of cute Japanese bread-based characters which will soon invade your hometown. “When feeling like talking, it’s going to be long.” My favorite is when Kogepan tries to imitate Ichigopan by putting strawberries on his head. “Hey, lookit me! Over here! I’m Ichigopan!!! You will respect the spurious strawberries!” Oh Kogepan, will you ever get didactic?

2001nov12. It’s like I was telling my cellmate this morning ... there’s nothing that can match the magical pageantry of Hip Hop on Ice. No, really. ”The performers and skaters will have close contact.” You can see the contacting here.

2001nov12. My question about “Kid’s Challenge” has been answered by a few people. Apparently it was shown on KTSF, which comes in sporadically on my futuristic television.

2001nov12. Browsers need two more buttons: “open up every link on this page” and “open up every link on this page that isn’t from this website.” I have a million ideas, and they’re each worth one dollar.

2001nov15. Don’t Believe The Type. Banksy. [via metafilter]

2001nov16. I have just been informed that I have been “pre-selected” to receive a free cell phone.

2001nov19. Old rekords.

2001nov19. Ebay: LISTEN TO THE NITRO-BURNING SOUNDS OF TODAY’S TOP FUNNY CARS AS THEY ROAR DOW – oh, wait, it’s a record of people on LSD.

2001nov19. Ebay: Simpsons rolling papers. For the younger members of our audience out there, rolling papers are used to smoke marijuana, a plant currently cultivated specifically to fund police SUVs and tactical riot gear.

2001nov20. Mail.

Subject: A Must See Breakthrough For Weight Lose!

Melting away inches is easier then you think! Shaves off 8-10 INCHES OF BODY FAT IN ONE HOUR *Guaranteed*!

Breakthrough technology helps you **Lose INCHES NOW**, Tightens Skin, Cleanses and Detoxifies your System.

Women will lose inches from their arms and thighs Men will lose inches in the belly area!!!

I’ve been looking at old pulp detective ads from the 1950s lately .. they say pretty much the same thing. Except the part about losing eight-to-ten inches in one hour. What are they selling, knives? It’s going to take an impressive amount of gullibility to swallow that one. Think about that for awhile. Ten inches of fat, gone in an hour. Where would it go? Cuba? I’m so baffled I’m scratching my belly area.

2001nov20. Kaycee Nicole fans should check out this week’s New Yorker, which features an article about one “Tony Johnson,” a young man who’s been at death’s door since 1993 and mysteriously sounds the same as the older woman who won’t let anyone see him ...

2001nov21. What would be really cool to do is totally freak out every year about this time because tomorrow is National Overeating Day. You could drive like maniacs and shove and push people so you can get the biggest goddamn bird you’ve ever seen. Call your spouse on the cell phone, they’re in another grocery store. Coordinate! Coordinate! You could totally stress yourselves out planning and preparing for this food orgy. You could even plan the whole thing out on a spreadsheet. Go to town.

Most of the time now I feel like I’m in one of those comical time-lapse films where everything is moving extremely fast except for one thing that is moving slowly from one side of the frame to the other.

The car died today. The one thing isn’t moving anymore.

2001nov22. "A carpet of gold. Or a carpet of bombs.” Yeah, that’s a Bush quote, all rightee. Utterly wretched/inexusable/horrendous. But we’ve all been saying that every day now ... where’s that “tipping point"? [via ethel the blog]

2001nov22. The FBI and the Secret Service is apparently sniffing around Houston’s Art Car Museum, because of, you know, all the terrorism performed there. [via peace dividend]

2001nov28. I received some licorice today from a Cardhouse reader based in the UK. I also received an order for M7 with a dollar folded up like a dress shirt. Or really, like a Hawaiian shirt. Scan to follow. Or not.

2001nov30. The funny thing about Go is that, at least for me, the better I understand what’s happening, the worse I play. When I was 25 Kyu, I placed pieces on the board in a drunken haze and kicked the computer’s ass until it stopped spotting me pieces. Now I’m back to 20 Kyu. Oh it is crazy! Anyway, here’s the nice free Go game that is hurting my brain.

2001nov30. Introduction to Go.