2001mar09. Jesus Christ, it’s just the freakin’ gingerbread man, okay? I never want to see another gingerbread man ever. [aside: Cajun gingerbread man?]
TOILET AND GNAT!
TOILET AND GNAT!
FighhhhtinnggggGG for justice ...
IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY! WAY WAY WAY!
Catch us on Fox’s hilarious sitcom, “Toilet and Gnat, Unlikely/Pestilent Teenage Detectives,” next Sunday at 8:30 Pacific time. It’ll be a laugh riot.
Are we off? We’re okay? Christ this thing is killing me. Get the HELL off me, Jim, your costume is shedding into my bowl.
2001mar13. What? “ composing such hit surf-rock songs as “Pipeline” and “Wipeout” in the 1960s” ... Morton Downey Jr.? I will play the Toy Dolls version of “Wipeout” in solemn tribute to thee. And then “James Bond Lives Down Our Street” because I haven’t heard that one in ten years as well.
Hey Mr. House,
Downey composed neither of those.
Wipe Out was composed by Bob Berryhill of the Surfaris, released originally on Dot records.
Pipeline was composed by Bob Spickard and Brian Carman of the Chantays. It was released on Downey Records..owned by Downey, Sr. I think.
I think it is tragic, tragic they they’ve been robbed by a dead guy.
But the newspaper said it was so! That means it is true!
2001mar16. I’m driving home, and I see these two women talking. One of them is on her cell phone. She is wearing a short skirt, she tosses back her head and laughs, maybe at something her friend said, maybe at something coming over the phone.
But they’re not women. They’re eleven years old, tops.
Me, I’m driving home from the toy store, where I just bought some play money, two diary locks, and a small wind-up microwave oven with a little chicken spinning inside it.
The microwave is really cool.
2001mar19. Got another one of those Pocket Calls the other day. You know what I’m talking about – you pick up the phone, and all you hear is muffled ambience. Someone’s cell phone has called you from inside their pocket, and the call lasts forever because the person doesn’t even know about it. Stupid pocket calls.
2001mar19. Not My Desk has the highest possible recommendation from us here at Cardhouse, which we call the Highest Possible Recommendation From Us Here At Cardhouse. Perhaps start with the essay list and make sure you read the review of the best-selling pamphlet Who Moved My Cheese? An Amazing Way To Serve Your Corporate Masters Without Complaint. [via World New York]
I was just reading your competition for sodium content and found it edutaining. May I suggest a similar competition for cholesterol content. I think I have an ace in the hole ...
I still have not awarded the prizes for the sodium contest. I simply can not, must not stage another event until the previous event is complete. I am discovering this fact a little late in life. Cholesterol ace in the hole ... hrmmmm. Is this it?
okay, so you’re a pretty good guesser ...
2001mar22. [Cardhouse] When it rains, it rains a little bit more.
2001mar22. I was trying to sleep last night and my right eye kept opening. Finally I had to jam my face into the pillow to keep it shut. Who designed this garbage?
2001mar23. SeatSale. An interactive display allowing you to register for one seat of a real seat. “You can help by keeping a watchful eye on our infrared security cameras to help us prevent theft of Seating Services ™, and to prevent the smuggling of contraband (pillows, boards, and other tools of license circumvention), into the museum space.”
2001mar24. I have been having trouble remembering if I used “shampoo” (shampoo) while still in the shower, for the last twenty years. I have tried different memory tactics, like having one spot in the shower designated as “before the shampooing” and another as “after the shampooing” and then supposedly I could just look and see where I was in the shampoo program. This did not work. I have tried immediately shampooing my head when I first entered the shower. This also did not work. I have decided to sing a quick extemporaneous song to the shampoo while holding it (example: “oh shampoo, shampoo shampoo, you petrochemical goo”), in the hopes that later on, when I think back on my shower experience for that day before turning off the water, I can remember (fondly, perhaps) singing a heartfelt melody to my beloved scalp-cleansing agent. Actual song lyrics will be available for a quarter.
In a related note, I would pay dearly for a small safe-like object that I could load up with chips or candy and it would dispense a small predetermined amount of the stored product on a daily basis so I don’t eat the whole damned thing in one sitting.
2001mar26. I am sick. The stereo is downstairs. One day I hope to be well enough to go down and play my new hula record. Not that I don’t already have twenty Hawaiian albums already. It’s just that this one is a pretty blue color. I will stare at it as it spins around and go into a little Hawaiian trance. That’s all, really. I just thought I’d mention that. Since I’m up here, being sick and all. Carry on.
Had a thought about your shampooing problem – you could try shampooing just before you get out; then if you are in the shower, you haven’t shampooed, if you aren’t, you have. My only worry is that it sounds rather like the ”as soon as you get in” technique; it might fail for the same reasons (whatever they are).
I should think the singing solution might work for a while, but eventually would wear off; I’d imagine the reason you can’t remember if you’ve shampooed or not is that you’ve done it so many times, so can’t distinguish the recent memory from older ones. Probably the same would happen with the song, eventually; I suppose you could make up a new song every so often.
You could wear a rubber band round your wrist when you’ve got in, and take it off after shampooing. Bit primitive, though.
2001mar28. This Saturday (March 31st 8:00pm) the 24 Hour Plays are going to be performed at the Ivar Theater, 1605 Ivar Ave (between Hollywood & Sunset), Hollywood, CA. Ticket info is available at smarttix.com or you can call (212) 206-1515.
2001mar30. You know how sometimes you call around to all of the tree trimmers trying to get someone to get your goddamn cat down from the tree, and to your eternal embarassment, TWO climbers show up at the same time? How do you decide? Go with the guy who isn’t plastered.
2001mar30. More wisdom from treeclimbing.com. “Repeated stabbing from leg spikes invite insect and fungus attack because they create openings through the protective skin of the bark layer. Think of what would happen if you were repeatedly stabbed.” Here I am thinking of a large serving of delicious vanilla pudding, and fluffy-cloud blowjobs. Is this the correct mental image?
2001mar30. [Cardhouse] I have decided to list the new Pixbarn entries here, on this regal “home” page, only. Then everyone who is just watching the Pixbarn page will probably not notice the new entries, and that will teach them. Because they are commies.
Parrot Luncheon Meat with bonus CONTEST
H3O Extreme Water Sport (usa)
The Electric ”Ike” Golf Game (usa)
Bharityn 707 Car (india) [personal favorite]
Music for a Lovely Evening
Music to Trim Your Tree By
Music for Non-Thinkers
Music to Remember José Iturbi