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Cardhouse
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2001jan03. [Cardhouse] A pleasant update to the Children In Distress feature thanks to vigilant reader Tom B.

2001jan03. Firecracker pack collection (100+)

2001jan03. Interview with Eric Schlosser, author of Fast Food Nation.

2001jan03. Mail.

Hi there. Vaguely following the theme of “Chrante Deti” (sp?) I’ve got a rather cute picture of a stick figure child burning to death (he obviously didn’t take care; though possibly he was set fire to as a warning to others ... who knows?) It’s from a box of matches I bought in England (that being where I live), though they’re made in the Czech Republic (“The Scissor Safety Match”).

Cheers, Tom.

[[img|../pix/2001match1.jpg]]

[[img|../pix/2001match2.jpg]]

2001jan04. AOSHIMA BUNKA KYOZAI DELIVERS THE HOT MODEL RACING EXCITEMENT YOU’VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO BUT IN A VISUALLY-PLEASANT NIGIRI FORM! CHOOSE FROM ONE OF FOUR DELICIOUS RACERS!

TUNA!!!!

SHRIMP!!

SQUID!!!

AND EVERYONE’S FAVORITE ...

EGG!!!!!!!1111!!!11

GOOD CHRIST THESE SOUPED-UP SUSHI STREET RACERS DELIVER ONE HELL OF A SOUND, LOUD ENOUGH TO KNOCK YA DOWN! “HEY, IS THAT A PULL-BACK FRICTION MOTOR TO-SCALE PLASTIC-INJECTION MOLDED NIGIRI CAR MODEL I HEAR CAREENING DOWN THE BLOCK IN AN UNSAFE, PLEASANTLY COMICAL, AND/OR SNEERING MACHO MANNER?” ”YES, IT IS, THEY’RE MADE BY AOSHIMA BUNKA KYOZAI!”

2001jan04. News: Man has bullet in head for 25 years. More importantly, the phrase “Daschund Oktoberfest” sure is primed for yuks-a-plenty; 30% of these yuks contain the word “Weiner".

Conceptually, what I am looking for here are jokes that tie together the duality of the daschund being a long, somewhat hot-dog-shaped animal along with the fact that the historical Munich “Oktoberfest” is a place where over 200,000 pork sausage pairs (which are very similar to hot dogs as well) are consumed each year the German festival is held.

I am wondering if perhaps it could be suggested that the reason the Daschund Oktoberfest is being held is to enable visitors to actually eat a daschund in place of the traditional pork sausage pair. This is, potentially, where a rich vein of gastronomic/"pets-as-food” japery lies.

Again, the ”weiner” factor is mentioned.

2001jan05. Crass buys a house.

2001jan05. News: Nebraska – land of intrigue.

2001jan08. My First Baby Organ. Priceless.

2001jan16. [Cardhouse] More Pixbarn “content" including Toppy Choco Nuts Instant Seasoning Paks as used in the regal Free Toast For Nader Vote Offer.

2001jan17. There’s an icon-building service called "StorTroopers" with which you can create a happy little computerized version of yourself. This is mine. I was so busy accessorizing, I forgot to add the skin to the skeleton. Tip: you can’t wear six pairs of pants if you have the dog or cat; grab’em last.

2001jan19. [Cardhouse] Craphound pages revamped – ordering information restored, sample page from #6 added.

2001jan22. So I went to this overpriced chain Mexican restaurant the other day called ”El Doritos” or something like that. I had the usual warm water experience - by that, I mean when I order a warm glass of water, the waitron unit looks at me like I’m from another planet. “You want ... what?” “Warm water. Room temperature. Tepid. No ice.” It’s actually better for your guts, turns out. It’s news to the waitron units. 70% of the time they bring out a nice cold glass of water with ice, 20% of the time they indicate there is no way they can fufill such an outlandish request (don’t believe me? try it). This time however, I got my warm water, but when it was brought over, the waitron unit was staring at it quizzically ...

“I don’t ... is it ... supposed to do that? What is ... it’s cloudy?"
“Those are air bubbles. It’s okay. Thanks.”

2001jan22. Neal Pollack on Bush Protest

2001jan22. Weooo, I hate that New York Times subscription thing. So do a lot of other people. They’ve registered simple username/password combos that maybe are intended for the good of the collective. Don’t know. For example, username ”*” and password “*.”

2001jan22. Mail.

dear mr. *,

thank you for access to your new york times account. in return for your kind generosity, i offer you patent #6004596 [ image].

wally

I am certainly not the first person to figure out the account bypass; I do recall someone mentioning it months ago. But earlier, aggravation just prompted me to enter “*/*.” It didn’t work, but “*/*” did. Good enough. I’m sure there are other ones – maybe “hello/world,” “dumb/dumber,” “screw/you,” ”thenewyorktimes/canblowmeandanyoneelsewithinaradiusoftwomiles” etc. Try them all!

The patent is astounding. Earlier today I was telling someone that there is nothing new under the sun, that we are going through a “lull” period in technology, in the field of patentable inventions. I have been proven wrong once again.

2001jan22. [Cardhouse] The Found Photo Section is now frozen in time with ten photos, two you’ve never seen before. The rest of the collection (100+) has been shipped off to Royal Journal and is settling in there.

2001jan22. Lunchbots will kick your ass [via guy worthy]

2001jan25. Interview with an arsonist [via deuce]

2001jan25. Oh ... .oh ... must have ID dinnerware ... [via jay]

2001jan26. I missed the Bonsai Kitten controversy. The sick, twisted bastards who created these kittens deserve at the very least three rounds of premium lager.

2001jan27. I am suspicious of wildly-leaning cereal boxes.

2001jan27. Ebay: Is that one’them fold-up trailers? Whooooeet. More bullets than the Bonnie & Clyde Death Car, that’s for shore. [via molly]

2001jan28. The Internet Music Wantlists - a wonderful resource, strangely under-utilized.

2001jan29. Mail.

i would just like to say that accidentally going to www.rdhouse.com is a whole lot less of a funny experience then going to www.cardhouse.com.

- j.c.

2001jan29. If you live in the “Bay Area” of California and would like to while away the day looking through a five-foot stack of 78 rpm records for sale, drop me a line. Tons of waltzes/classical/opera. Most Victor, chunk o’ Columbia, a dash of Okeh/Vocalion and other labels. So very heavy.

2001jan31. I have been thinking a lot about what will happen after I die and civilization, ten thousand years from now, decides to reanimate someone who lived both in the 20th and 21st centuries and it just randomly turns out to be me. I suppose at that point a representative would speak:

“What can you tell us about the 20th and 21st centuries? What can you show us from that long-ago time?”

And I would grab his arm do one of those raspberries on it. Long, hard. Several breaths. “Sorry,” I would say. “that’s really all I can remember.”