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Cardhouse
macros2000.com

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2001dec01. Of course there’s a web page about the dollar shirt. Much easier than scanning.

2001dec02. Mail.

Dear Sir/Madam,
We are pleased to introduce ourselves as one of the leading distributors of cosmetics & foodstuffs to the Ethiopian market. We are also known as one of the biggest importers in East Africa. We have a very good experience of 20yrs and are representing many companies from all over the world especially Europe and U.S.A.

We are presently very much interested in starting business relationships with you and would like to supply your “Chewing Gums” to the Ethiopian market.

Waiting for your prompt reply.
Yours Sincerely,
Saleh M.

Thank you for your letter. Before considering new avenues of distribution, we require printed catalog samples. Please send to [address].

Thank you.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for your email and sorry for such a late reply.

We couldn’t understand what catalogs are you aksing for. We don’t have any catalogs as we are buyers.

Please clear this thing and send us your reply immediately.

You guys are buyers??? Dude, we’re buyers too!!! We’re like buyer buddies. Don’t you hate it when you’re like buying something, and it doesn’t come? Christ. But anyway, you’re buying all this stuff – surely you sell it, right? Lemme know what you sell, I might buy it – because -- if you remember from earlier – I’m a frickin’ buyer!! I’m totally into buying right now. People have been telling me to settle down and stop buying so much but there’s so much out there that needs to be bought. Like what kind of foodstuffs do you sell? Sometimes I sell dogfood, I don’t know if that would be called a “foodstuff.” I mean, for some people, maybe. Brrr. Couldn’t do it myself, rather just starve. I mean, they grind up the worst parts of cows to make that. And here’s the corker – they used to feed dead dogs and cats to cows! So it’s like this exciting cycle of chowing down that totally blows that ”food chain” theory right out of the water. You could feed rhinos to mice! Man can do anything now, and it’s all because people want to buy stuff. That’s where we come in.

Reply pending.

2001dec06. [Cardhouse] For those of you who have heard the radio station interview about New Orleans Santacon 2001 and are looking for New Orleans Santacon 2001, well, then, it’s here.

2001dec12. When your car goes dead and your phone line goes dead but keeps ringing you back up so it can speak to you in loud geiger-counter-like tones, that would not be the time to ask “what else could possibly happen?” Because you will be summoned to district court jury duty. In the future when things of this nature happen I will ask “where is the mailman with the chocolate and go-carts I didn’t order?”

2001dec12. Let’s all celebrate the one millionth tech article which paints for us an amazing revolutionized future when in fact the new technology is much more suited to invade our privacy in new and untold ways.

Fantasy.
“Christ, these sensors might, for example, cut your hair while you’re walking through a hallway. You wouldn’t have to go to the salon anymore. Also these sensors would feed you and change your diaper.”

Reality.
“Major General, sensor 298490105 has detected Human #192394a thinking about committing a thought crime, sir.”
“Mmmmmm, a meta-thought crime. Have the sensors at the end of the hall cut his hair to boot camp regulation length, if you follow me.”
“Yessir.”

2001dec14. Mail. I’m starting to think that people are toying with me.

Thats NOT truw at all

Here’s another one. If someone wants to write a response for this one, I’ll forward it along.

Dear Sir,

We are a Chinese company. We are looking for some tobacco additives and flavorings for Chinese tobacco & cigarette manufacturing market. Wed be very grateful for your contacting with us if you are interested in it and have the proper resources.

Yours truly,

Jun Liu Manager of Beijing Dynamic Accuracy Company, China

And a third letter.

Hello, this is a place for science right? Then I was wondering, what the formula is for finding out how many levels, an amount of playing cards, would form, if building a cardhouse. If you can fix that you are the greatest! /Marcus

You are speaking of the Cardhouse Seldeen Formula. I never liked the “A” frame Cardhouse structure, I’m more of a ”box” frame Cardhouse robot. A discussion of the Seldeen Cardhouse Hair Restoring Formula is here.

2001dec14. Oh, I know, he asked for a formula to determine how many levels a specified amount of playing cards would make and I sent him away to a page that would indicate how many cards would be needed to create a cardhouse of a specified level. Shhhh ... let’s see if he notices.

2001dec16. [Cardhouse] Macros2000.com website nub dragged out into the sunlight.

2001dec16. Napkin holders with coin-operated fortune tellers or trade stimulators.

2001dec17. Mail.

Have you ever seen the episode of the Twilight Zone called (i think) “The Nick of Time"? It has William Shatner and a fortune teller/napkin holder in it. The napkin holder has a little spring mounted devil-head on it (see photo, right).

Holly F.

For the most part, I’ve only seen the visual portion of a lot of Twilight Zone episodes (but I can’t remember Shatner obsessing over a napkin holder, in any case). There was a dance club in Detroit that used to project all sorts of interesting things on one wall, around eight feet high. Dancing while trying to figure out Twilight Zone plots is a good way to hurt your brain.

2001dec18. Mail.

i remember that shatman episode – he became obsessed because, i think, the little napkin holder kept successfully predicting what would happen. then his woman left him. after that, he went on to star in several horrid television shows, but he did not go on to kill his wife, like robert blake probably did.

wait, shatner’s wife died in his backyard pool, and i think he’s already remarried again. hmmm ... .

doc

2001dec18. “Let’s see ... doo dee doo ... tea, tea, scones, chip buttie, sacred Ethiopian artifact, rashers, tea ... oh, here it is! Tea.”

2001dec19. Awhile ago, when I was in the middle of a three-day bender, I made some wild, thinking-out-of-the-box proactive browser suggestions ... then I got this in the “email”

’01nov12. Browsers need two more buttons: “open up every link on this page” and “open up every link on this page that isn’t from this website.” I have a million ideas, and they’re each worth one dollar.’

i saw this, and thought ‘thats a bloody good idea’

so i made some bookmarklets that would do that stuff:

http://www.sawks.com/bookmarklets/

if you find them useful, then consider it thanks for the many years of entertainment i have received from your site :)

cheers!
matt

Thanks! This the kind of job I would like. I would sit around shooting off my mouth, and then someone like the nice Mr. Matt would turn fluffy dreams into cash-cow reality. Or I could dig ditches, I’m not really particular at this point. I’m very excited about getting a job again because then I will have a job! And jobs are fun. Weeeoooo, jobs.

2001dec19. Mail.

So, I folded me one of them there dollar shirts after I saw the link on your site. Mom saw it, and decided to give her grandkids “shirts” for Christmas, and because I was clearly the expert in the area, she had me fold them. Thanks for making more work in my busy life.

This is what $220 worth of shirts looks like.

You could have made one hundred dollars worth of shirts ... and that would have been a lot of shirts. But you had to go all the way ... and make two-hundred and twenty dollars worth of shirts ... awww yeah ...

2001dec21. TV Dinner $10.25 [via anon. mail]

2001dec22. DYI fridge magnet rolling ball sculpture. ”Frigits Deluxe is the same as Frigits, only DELUXE!”

2001dec22. NOLA Santa gauntlet laid down. ”This town isn’t big enough for approximately 140 Santas ... ” I propose all y’all start trucifying for next year. Stop the Santa madness. It’ll be a link up between our gang and your gang ...

2001dec23. THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF TOTALLY EXTREME NON-ALIGNED MODEL RAILROADERS [via deuceofclubs]

2001dec24. Belgian “Big Brother” type show or parody or something. With rabbits. Looks like it’s all over.

2001dec24. The Dutch website Lekkerbelangrijk.com (warning to those of you mysteriously at work during the holiday season: there is a random nakeds lady on the homepage) has voted Cardhouse the “best foreign weblog 2001.”I have been exchanging pleasantries with the site’s adminsistrator. He will be teaching me about freedom, and I will be teaching him how to really, totally consume the hell out of stuff.

2001dec25. [Dr. Cliff] SantaCon 2001 New Orleans.

2001dec28. Some of the more humorous listings from the outdated fall schedule for kszu:

M 7-9 PM PALO ALTO CITY COUNCIL
Hardcore civics the way they play it downtown, baby.

M 12-3 AM THE DEVIL’S MUSIC with Charlie Manscum
Punk 12 inches, 7 inches. We’ve got ‘em all, and if yer nice, we’ll let you play the secret touching game with the turntables!

T 9-12 PM INNERWAR with Jonathan
Try to fight off feelings of despair and hopelessness while drowning in a flood of dark ambient, death industrial, power electronics, dark military, metal, and goth. Music that will drive you to kill your neighbors, then yourself.

T 12-3 PM THE 3-WAY BLUES CARAVAN with Smitty Ray Barlow
Romance goes horribly awry. Finances have become tenuous at best. Law enforcement is historically antagonistic. Hey, it’s the blues, schmuck!

2001dec31. [Cardhouse] The Baltimore Contingent has turned in boatloads of card decks in the form of printer waste sheets from around the world. And Tennessee.

2001dec31. Cockeyed: How Much Of That Ink That Is Inside An Ink-Jet Printer Cartridge Is Inside It (I Mean, If You Printed Porn?)?

2001dec31. This just in: a FRESH update on that BMW abandoned in the airport parking lot.