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Cardhouse
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2000sep02. My Cat Stole My Pantyhose.

2000sep02. Ebay: In light of the fact that the caffeine added to soda pop produces no discernable change in taste, this bumper sticker takes on an entirely new context. You greedy soda fucks. You see that last sentence? That’s Cardhouse Style.

2000sep03. When I moved to California, I was surprised to discover that wine stores (for example) had nothing in the way of earthquake protection for their shelving units. But then I suppose they have earthquake insurance, so an earthquake is like a rush on the store in more ways than one.

2000sep04. I have composed a song about a recent Cruel Site web site entry. It’s not often that I do this, so you know that it’s a special occasion. It’s sung to the tune of the 1981 hit “Working For The Weekend” by Loverboy.

Everybody’s working through the weekend
Everybody wants a new pair of pants
Everybody’s going off the deep end
Everybody’s infected with the prions that cause scrapie and mad cow disease

2000sep05. Enticing ambient displays which never go out of code. [soosan]

2000sep06. Interview: Eugene Levy (SCTV, Waiting For Guffman, etc)

2000sep06. Quick Watson! The needle! (?)

2000sep06. Request: Has anyone ever heard of a product called “Red Smiley Pop"? Please contact me if you have. Thank you kindly.

2000sep07. Ebay: Punchboard book. “Ponzi Special.” At least they’re honest.

2000sep07. Got some spam today. Normally I have nothing but harsh words for spammers, but these kids are on to something. Here, “listen in” as Clair Howells describes TITANIC:

We are a large scale open air theatre group from Germany – working in pyrotechnics, fire, water. Our show “Titanic” depicts the sinking of the famous ocean liner – 16 actors, technicians, musicians – huge set (20 X 40) and 30,000 litres of water. Our other show “Insect” is about the dream of flying – strange machines are hung from a crane and a steel insect 6 metres high and 12 metres long moves over the playing area. We have been performing for 10 years, mostly in summer festivals – in 13 diferent european countries as well as in Australia and Venezuela.

>There are fantastic pictures of our work on our website – it’s worth a visit.

>www.titanick.de

>Let me know how you liked it

>Yours sincerely

Clair Howells
Theater Titanick
Münster, Germany

You SICK, DEPRAVED GERMAN FREAKS! YOU MONSTERS FROM MUNSTER! LET THE DEAD OF “TITANIC” REST IN PEACE! NO MORE SUPER SLIDES! NO MORE PROM DISPLAY THEMES! AND MOST OF ALL, NO MORE MOVIES!!!!

Coming soon to a theatre near you – Titanic 2: The Revenge

2000sep08. 1939 correspondence between a design firm and Brown & Williamson tobacco concerning a new candy cigarette product. Features extremely poor black-and-white images of old candy cigarette brands, including “Spud.”

2000sep08. If you do a trademark search on the Olympic Committee’s “Snowlets,” you’ll see that they’ve abandoned the trademark as of November of 1999. Snowlets, Snowlets, Snowlets! Okay everyone, we can say “Snowlets” now! I’m calling my car “Snowlets.”

2000sep08. Here’s some information on the real “Spud” cigarette brand.

2000sep08. Ebay: Sweepstakes gum machine

2000sep08. Ebay: Chewing gum machine. But what’s with the ping-pong ball slot machine? ”JACKPO--waaaaHHHH!!!!”

2000sep08. Ebay: Keeney’s Spinner Winner Craps Gum Trade Stimulator Vendor Machine Thing

2000sep09. “Well, you know, what we did was ... wrong ... and we’re ... sorry. And ... is anyone out there?"

2000sep09. FBI profiling for “troubled” school children.

The report listed more than three dozen warning signals, which include recurrent themes of destruction or violence in a student’s writing or artwork, students who nursed resentment over real or perceived injustices, those fascinated with violent entertainment, and families that kept weapons in the home. The report also pointed to students who show hopelessness, despair, hatred, isolation, loneliness, nihilism or an “end-of-the-world” philosophy. The report also focused on students who are easily angered, who are in a failed love relationship, who have an attitude of superiority, who are rigid and opinionated, who show an unusual interest in sensational violence, have poor coping skills, show signs of depression, abuse drugs or alcohol, express inappropriate humor, and have no limits or monitoring of television and Internet use.

Christ. So who’s not on this list? The principal’s kid? Watch your backs, kids, because they’re watching you ...

2000sep09. “This tastes more New Hampshirey.”

2000sep10. Institute for Applied Autonomy: Robot Insurrection in the Streets of Philadelphia etc. Christ these cats are cool. I wanna party with YOU, cowboy! [via memepool]

2000sep10. Well, I guess this is it. This is the end of humanity. We will eventually all be replaced by Boxer Jocks.

2000sep10. My Cat Stole My Pantyhose

2000sep10. [Cardhouse] More than any three people would want to know about candy cigarettes, with pointers into the tidal wave of internal/secret “Big Tobacco” documents

2000sep10. Mail.

okay, but the swiffer rocks as a cleaning device [this is a comment on a weblog link]. it can get into corners and under furniture and it picks up stuff the dust mop doesn’t. although the little papers you buy are expensive, so I cut up an old worn out flannel sheet and use that instead. yours for science *and* economy, – rcb

This is a good tip. I think any tip that blows away the King Gillette “buy the blade over and over again” marketing ploy is simply grand. Not that I dust or anything. BUT IF I DID, BY GOD I WOULD CUT UP AN OLD WORN OUT FLANNEL SHEET.

2000sep12. The public, including children, will be invited to come aboard and participate in a number of educational and entertaining activities that will demonstrate the magic of Swiffer and unveil the mysteries of science. [soosan]

2000sep12. Invasion of the Europroduct: Febreze, Swiffer, and Fit. [soosan]

2000sep13. California Extreme, a classic arcade game exhibition. [via lazlo]

2000sep13. Old Man Murray: Who Killed Adventure Games? [via eifco]

2000sep13. Seanbaby goes off on service-industry idiots using “sarcasm.” Damn, I can’t even think of how many times this has happened to me and I’ve never done anything. It was too low on the radar ... “of course this person is fucking with me, because they’re an idiot.” Now I am ARMED FOR FUTURE WARFARE THANKS TO SEANBABY

2000sep13. Web Economy Bullshit Generator [soosan]

2000sep13. “I’m sorry, you’re perfect for the position, but these traffic tickets ... “

2000sep13. The children, they are learning! ... no they’re not! (posted within a half-hour of each other)

2000sep13. Pheromone beam is going to get you! (third item) [soosan]

2000sep13. The Clown Essay (from Craphound). Old. Still good. Vintage.

2000sep13. I Found It! Evidence Of The Human Condition. From David Anthony’s ongoing column of reader-mailed found objects in The Portland’s The Rocket.

2000sep14. DNT MK NY FLS MVS F Y WNT T S YR PRCS “NGM” MCHN GN!!!!11111111!!!

2000sep14. Don’t leave the cocaine lying around! Kitty might be jonesing for some after that Fleet® enema!

2000sep14. Wrong. I want a chocolate patch, not an anti-chocolate patch.

2000sep14. The first foreigner to work the Prague pneumatic mail system.

2000sep14. An article on Paul Tough’s “ Open Letters” site.

2000sep14. Bruce Conner

2000sep15. Exploding Dog. You send in the caption, Sam draws the picture.

2000sep15. “What we need, Digby ... is a way to somehow associate, in the child’s mind, his or her normal day-to-day activities with a constant monitoring organization and 7-11 ... one that would be able to advertise the 7-11 brand, and bring more young customers into the store through a cheap giveaway ... say, our Slurpees ... Slurpees for good deeds ... crossing guards? Teachers? Giving out coupons ... ” “What about the police?” “Digby ... DIGBY!”

2000sep18. Mail.

unacceptable. please correct your egregious mistake and notify me ASAP. – wally

Background: Most of Cardhouse was taken down for a few months so it could relax. I received a few (like, six. not a joke) messages about the disappearance, but this is the one I liked the most.

2000sep20. Test, test. Is this thing on? Okay. Attention! Attention! The archives have been removed. Isn’t it grand? Please see the FAQ for more obtuse details. That is all for now. Thank you.

2000sep20. Mail.

HEY WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good morning, you told me to page you ... Hee hee, it’s early and you are prob sleeping ... well talk to yea soon ... hhmmmm maybe?!?!?!?!

What, I’m getting crossed-wire instant messages now? Grand.

2000sep21. The robots are going apeshit. They can’t find anything. “Where’d all the stuff go?” I have pretend robot conversations. Alta Vista robot talks to Hot Bot robot (an important aside: I found out that “Hot Bot” is or was used as slang for “Vagina” ... I am not sure if Wired is aware of this). Nothing here, robots.

2000sep22. I just got some speakers for my computer, so I’m following up on old sound-related links. The following will take you directly to a realaudio report on the 24 Hour Plays. I have created the program guide for past 24 Hour Plays events. For the first few, there were no “computers” anywhere – I had to hoof it to Kinko’s to type in everything for the program ... it was a surprise to hear about the laptops. Laptops! (Note to Drew if he’s reading: the guy from Soul Coughing is one of the writers)

24 Hour Plays report

2000sep23. I received an important piece of pretend priority mail today from IT&T in Switzerland. It is a solicitation to be in their 2000/2001 Faxdirectory. My cost: only $995.00. Oh, there’s a 3% discount if I reply in 14 days. That’s $965.15. The fax number they’ve indicated is “mine” has been dead for three years now. Maybe I can get a discount for that, too.

2000sep26. S.F. FCC prank [via bigrig]

2000sep27. Tagmaster, The Briefcase Tagging Machine

2000sep27. Mail.

“Your computer is on fire. Please exit the building.” [this is a quote from the 404 page] If you’re alive please die. sup wit yor adtude?

We just watched a whole bunch of Sergio Leone flicks.

2000sep28. It’s official: I’m a This American Life junkie. I find myself talking in a hushed, informative cadence ... with ... pauses here and there.

2000sep29. Sugar Tax, Day 30. Of course you remember that some delightful loser poured sugar into my gas tank 30 days ago. Chief among the reasons I allow you to have sex with me is your razor-sharp memory. I have put a total of about 65 miles on the car with no ill effects. It has gone up and down one of those bay area bridges that you occasionally see buckled on live television broadcasts. It has been around. It drove me to an actual freelance job and did not comically die ten miles away from the worksite. I purchased a locking gas cap a few days ago. It’s a very nice object, heavy (for head-clunking where needed). Seems important. Would make a good paperweight. I would highly suggest one if you are in a populated area. Purchase the keyed gas cap, not the combination-lock gas cap: the latter is like a candy coating for the modern-day vandal. One day I will explain the logic behind not driving my car immediately to a repair shop and you will listen.