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2000oct04. Dr. Cliff Goes Gator-Hunting.

2000oct05. Okay, we all saw the debates, right? You’re still not thinking of voting for one of the loser twins, are you? Okay. It’s a free country, be an idiot. But I’ll tell you what ... let me sweeten up the deal a little bit, and then you let me know.

If you vote for Nader, I’ll give you a free piece of toast.
supplies are limited. must be over 18.

That;’s right. FREE TOAST I’m NOT messing around here. I’ll MAIL it to you if I have to. Plus, I will send a free magazine. It might be something I’ve whipped up, it might be Reader’s Digest. I cannot say at this time.

You wanted to burst forth into the new millennium, didn’t ya? New ideas, new plans, a new country? I remember you saying that. Well, if you want your new millennium, COME AND GET YOUR NADER2000 TOAST, MOTHER SCRATCHERS

You just lemme know after you go to your little polling station. Also please describe the voting process for me, including a description of the voting booth. That’s not to keep you honest (I’m sure you won’t lie to me), I just like voting booths.

2000oct06. Personally I just don’t see a need for the CueCat at all – I was hoping maybe some CueCat hacker would come up with an alternate one (“scan your buttocks!”) that actually made some sense. I don’t understand how scanning a discarded pack of hot dogs and a can of lima beans is going to reduce the amount of time and effort you spend finding this information at an online grocer. Let’s try an experiment on Webvan (I used to be a WebVan customer but found their selection to be atrocious. It was worth the effort to be able to see the cockamamie cyborg set-up they require their drivers to carry (on one hip, you have your big order tracker computer, and on the other hip, you have your big, big printer – I think there was a third hip in there somewhere (pager? cellphone? four hips?), but shit, you could do all of that with a dash-mounted radio/cb and a clipboard ... I almost had a laughing spasm while signing for my order [semi-witty parenthetical note about how this is yet another example of throwing technology at problems to cause more problems than ever deemed possible inside an aside about throwing technology at problems to cause more problems than ever deemed possible deleted for brevity]). I do not have a CueCat, I am just extrapolating from known data and have afforded the CueCat people the benefit of the doubt about the usability of their product even though I’ve read at least two accounts indicating elsewise but in this case we’re talking about homebrew software so forget I said anything:

Without CueCat:
type in “hot dogs” in search field
choose “all beef”
hit “back” because of javascript error
choose “chicken/turkey"
hit “back” because of javascript error
give up

With CueCat:
take soggy, dripping discarded hot dog pack over to computer
flatten UPC on table
scan easily and quickly with CueCat and hacker homebrew softwares
take soggy, dripping discarded hot dog pack back to garbage
get cleaning supplies, clean up drips on floor and computer table
put cleaning supplies back
dig through trash to find lima bean can
clean arms, hands
give up

There is a guy who has a website that tallies everything he throws away; he’s placed his (non CueCat) scanner next to the garbage. If I suddenly wanted to do this it would entail (at least) a thirty-foot cable slinking through the floor and termite’s nests, down a wall, etc. I think I’ll just remember or even write down what I need to purchase and sometimes, when I’m feeling crazy, just wing it in the grocery store. When did buying groceries become this horrible, horrible experience that people can’t stand? Or is this just another Mt. Geekmore hack ... “I can do it, so I will do it!” Well, at least you can run spreadsheets on your average lima bean consumption per month.

2000oct06. Cintra.

2000oct06. Mail.

Love the sarcasm, everyone needs a touch of it everyday, and btw Cute Pic . =) I’m none of the below [a list of ill-regarded people on the contact page], nor am I a door to door salesperson. Am I allowed in? lol

2000oct07. Went to an estate sale today. There were some pots on the stove ... one pot for five dollars ... and the one with stew a-stewin’ in it for ten bucks.

“Does the stew come with that?”

Boy, you’d think they’d let these people cool off a little bit before they start selling off everything.

2000oct10. Mail.

If a SCUBA diver is in the water at about 20 feet and lightning hits close to the diver what will happen to him and why. Thank you, Wayne

Our Science Editor is on vacation. Your question will be answered by the Cardhouse Robot. “The SCUBA diver will die. The end.”

2000oct12. [Dr. Cliff] An Examination of The QCat Scanner

2000oct15. Pixbarn.

Our staff chemist, Dr. Scott Berk, found these licorice items in Iceland. I had forgotten exactly what was inside and, using my powers of deduction, asked him if it was detergent. Oh, we laughed and laughed. So hearty was the laughter! So ... hearty.

2000oct16. The Idler: A Waste Of Paradise – The True Story Of The Bounty Bar Hunters

2000oct18. The Spark’s “Fat Project” most recent update includes a vastly-improved ”pounds vs. fatness” graph which enables you (you) to gauge the progress as related to the 30-pounds-in-30-days goal more astutely. Tufte would be proud.

2000oct19. Michael Moore: More good Nader News™

2000oct20. I have a P.O. Box. When I got the P.O. box, they gave me a key. It didn’t work, so they said they were ordering new ones. It would take a month, two months for the keys to arrive. Because the keys are ordered from Washington D.C., currently our nation’s capitol.

So everytime I wanted my mail, I would have to stand in line with all of the other good citizens. Then, when it was my turn to go up to the counter, I would ask, politely, for my mail from the box.

The clerk, whoever it was, every single time, would look at me blankly. “Have you lost your key?” “Is there something wrong with the box?” etc. Every single time, I would patiently explain that I was never given the keys in the first place. There are only about six clerks at this branch – sometimes, I’d even get to explain what happened to the clerk who originally processed the order.

Over and over, and over again. I’ve explained this curious phenomenon to each clerk at least ten times.

It’s been like this for five months, twenty days now.

So, if you happen to be getting a P.O. Box, make sure you get some keys, I guess.

2000oct20. Mail.

Written on the side of a Tostitos box near the back door of a local restaurant:

“Everybody’s sick
and Joel’s got a
knife in his head,
Who would
make pie. I think
I can make a
pie or 2.”

Made me think of you.
– matt

2000oct24. Poems wanted for songs. Songs recorded. Send poems today for FREE examination.

2000oct24. Teen Spy.

2000oct26. “Look, we don’t want to find the corn, or get into any more trouble, so if you could just temporarily approve this corn, I mean, I know it wasn’t even approved for human consumption, it’s twice removed from regular non-biotech corn, but if you could just approve it, for awhile, that’d be great.”

2000oct26. A nice, extensive guide to 78rpm records.

2000oct27. Inconspicuous Consumption®: Hole Puncher

2000oct28. Laser turntable.

2000oct29. Just scored a package of Fleaseed Husk myself. Mine is dated October 1996, so it’s relatively new.

2000oct29. [Cardhouse] Our hard-working website administrator guy has created a MP3 jukebox program called Otto. Perhaps you would enjoy it?

2000oct30. First of three updates for the last day of Thee Fat Project. It doesn’t look good for our tubby twosome.

2000oct30. Fat Project (scroll to bottom for by-the-hour weigh-ins): My my. The poundage one can put on in three hours. Eric’s got a shot, Nicole’s comin’ on strong. This looks much better than the start of the day.

2000oct31. Shit, forgot to decorate for halloween.

Orange orange orange