2000nov03. Perfetti can’t stop the bombastic action!
when will jimmy white win the world chamoin
Jimmy White will win the world chamoin on Decemb 1 th, 20 .
2000nov07. Ebay: “Hey, let’s watch the television lozenge!” ”Oh boy! I wanna watch the HULA HULA GIRL!” “Well, I wanna watch TWO HEADED CALF!” “Hey hey I wanna watch MIDGET!” I remember having to share my television lozenge when I was a kid ... it wasn’t fair. All children should have their own television lozenge.
2000nov07. I just went and voted. Back home I got to use one of those towering ancient mechanical voting booths, but here they have these crappy big-ass forms. At least you get to feed them to the VoteMachine™, a squat little thing, and it takes the form either way – smart little machine. Don’t know what it does for write-ins, must throw those across the room or burn ‘em. The machine reminded me of those standardized tests I used to take in junior high – you know, number two pencil, multiple choice computer forms. We were in the library after school, as usual, goofing on the computers, and he went in one of the offices and found the machine that reads the cards. So he turned it off, put a long paper towel in it, taped it into a loop, and then turned it on. What a fucking racket. 100% wrong answers, Mr. Paper Towel Loop. Then he locked the office. He became a born-again approximately seven years later.
2000nov07. CARDHOUSE EXIT POLL UPDATE: So far, three people have claimed free Nader toast, as offered here a month prior. Let’s check the toteboard:
A strong showing for the Green Party candidate, Ralph Nader. But with the amount of absentee voting, the swing states, and massive voter fraud, the final results are still up in the air. Stay tuned.
Also: The Free Nader Toast Offer expires on November 9th, NOON P.S.T., because that’s when I’m making the toast and there will be no extra toast for tardy toast takers.
2000nov08. This just in: The jerkoff might not win. Cardhouse Election Control will stay with this late-breaking story until ... .until ... .zzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZ
2000nov08. Dr. Cliff has some stuff up that I’ve never seen. I don’t know if it’s new. Oh, Dr. Cliff!
2000nov08. The really amazing part of this whole Florida debacle is not that the system has been proven lacking, but that it’s lacking in so many ways. Part of the problem with the vote count in Florida centers around the actual ballot form passed out in Palm Beach (which appear in this article). It’s not clear from the diagram if the people complaining about “two holes for Gore” have a case, as whoever prepared this graphic neglected to emphasize where exactly the holes were to be punched (I’d fire the guy, actually). Using an oft-proven method of “intelligent guessing,” it would seem that these people are completely balmy, as anyone who took the time to follow each arrow to each hole would see exactly which hole represented which candidate (and isn’t that apt). But this is the old “user interface” bugaboo – trying to force people to understand poorly-designed/cheap technology (in this case, making all of the holes line up in one row so the machine only has to have one reader strip, and thus costs less) instead of having technology understand people.
In the first, he told supporters, a voter wakes up with a splitting headache and hears a pounding rain mixed with sleet and hail hammering on his window. “The sky is so dark there’s hardly any light. You stumble out of bed. Your knees are sore as you walk toward the door and stub your toe,” Mr. Gore says. “You open the door and the newspaper is stuck to the step, frozen by the sleet, soaked through and through. “You peel it off and hold it up to the light and all you can see is – ‘Bush.’” Mr. Gore tells booing supporters there is another option. “On Wednesday morning, just before you awaken, a golden shaft of sunlight flickers on your eyelids,” Mr. Gore says. “You hear the chirping of birds on the windowsill. Your senses detect the scent of fresh-cut flowers on the table by the bed. It mingles with the aroma of fresh-brewed coffee wafting in from the kitchen. The radio is playing your favorite song, and you leap out of bed just feeling great,” he says. “You dance your way to the front door and open it as the sunlight warms your face. You pick up the paper and it says: ‘Gore-Lieberman Win.’”
2000nov13. Ebay: Eskimo Pie packaging from 1927. ”One Eskimo Pie has been found equivalent in food value to approximately one chicken sandwich, two boiled eggs, 6 oz. boiled potatoes or one pound of carrots. It can also restore a blind person’s sight, fight fires, and do your taxes. Let your children eat all the Eskimo Pies they want – it’s good for them, and for you, too – eventually you’ll just be able to roll them anywhere you want, regardless of their whining. Vacuuming around the house is made easy with spherical children.”
2000nov14. I’ve been having some horrid problems with my “PC” lately. Screen artifacts, programs dumping out after ten seconds of use, etc. It’s been going on for awhile ... but lately, it’s been getting better, and I’ve recently been able to hang on for upwards of two hours without crashing.
I believe it is the miracle of Jesus Christ that allows me to continue to compute unhindered. Thank you, Jesus.
2000nov14. Cardhouse Mail. Always intelligent, incisive ... penetrating. Today’s letter comes from Alex, who lives in Norway.
Your are stupid
This ends today’s “Cardhouse Mail” segment.
Your are stupid – alex
Alex is from Norway.
hatlar? alsana guga ... .bega..
sa vedem cum merge?????????????????
Feeling a little goofy today. Or rather, goofier.
2000nov17. Royal Journal: Lieberman Party! (“If your child is planning on having a birthday party during this election year, here are some tips to help you put on a kick-ass Lieberman Birthday Party!”)
THE BALLS ARE ALL PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR. Yours are stupid. -- “alek”
I think this is Norway Alex again. It took him three days to come up with that second sentence.
Hi Elvira! I am trying to send you a nice mail with a picture in it.If you open it tell me. – Tori
2000nov28. Bellagio, Treasure Island, MGM Grand, etc, Las Vegas.
Total win/loss: $-100.45.
- My losses have hit triple digits. Do I get some sort of prize?
- This was another disappointing go-round, filled with smoke and distate. I am learning not to expect a lot from Vegas. I think I got off pretty light, though, considering that my host was planning on dragging me to a floor show. A Las Vegas floor show that was not Wayne Newton or Tom Jones.
- I saw the slot machine Chainsaws & Toasters on the floor of one casino but neglected to write down which one. Then, someone wrote in asking where they could find it. Anyone?
watching those damned fountains at Bellagio, I noticed an older Japanese
man wearing a nice cable sweater. A phrase was knitted into the back, in
very large block letters:
YOU ARE TOTALLY SNAFUED
IT’S A “RECKKLESS” THINGS TO DO
- Las Vegas voice impressionist Andre Phillippe has a poster advertising his remarkable skill. The ending tagline: He does everyone ... even you!
- The LCD monitor on the Jackpot Stampede Deluxe slot machine occasionally admonishes players to “Watch out for the poopers!” I didn’t stick around for any sort of context.
2000nov29. The November 27th issue of the New Yorker (Chris Ware cover; I’d point to it on the New Yorker website but everyone laughs at the New Yorker website because it is horrible and puny and sad) has an article by Randy Rothman entitled “My Fake Job.” Requiring a bit of structure to his unemployed life to get some freelance writing done, Randy walked into a random internet company, sized up an empty desk, and began his “job.” And kept coming back. You could go to Barnes and Noble, sit down in a comfy chair, read this article, and then leave. I’ve got things all mapped out for you, this Randy Rothman reading mini-mission. You let me know how things work out.
2000nov29. I am back from my vacation. I went to Arizona, and also to Mexico. I said the word “Americano” in Mexico. I touched a barrel cactus. I sat in a wash. I drove 600 miles in one day and that used to be easy but now, one day later, my eyes are all screwed up. Or, maybe it’s because my eyes are readjusting to this computer monitor. I hate these goddamned computers.
2000nov29. Randy Rothman also has a delightful piece in the new McSweeney’s (#5). I still have to figure out that Mr. Squishy article. Is there some kind of McSweeney’s forum online? I mean, maybe I could figure it out myself, but I was in a hurry (I was going on vacation and didn’t want to drag the book along) so I figured I could just cut through all of the marketing mumbo-jumbo and the character development and WHOOPS that was a big mistake because it had one of those fucking David Foster Wallace temporal shift endings, like it’s some kind of test just to make sure you absorbed, that you were breathing the entire article instead of skimming it like I was because I was going on vacation. I went to Mexico. I mean, I walked in with my friends. We walked right over that border. I wanted to take a lot of pictures of the border signs and border patrol but it all happened so fast and I figured I could do it on the way back but they have an entirely different way to exit Mexico because they don’t want people getting mixed up, trading illegal drugs for legal money, or people hiding other people in bags or something. I turned around at one point, there was this small , two foot gap between two buildings and sure enough, there was a border patrol agent just standing there. You couldn’t just wall it in, you’ve got this guy standing there 24/7, I guess. I wonder what his job description looks like. Wall Gap Protector.
i m 3d painter, some jobes enough fine, i ll want to showing they.
2000nov30. Banal Las Vega$ Observations.
1) There is a slot machine called “Chainsaws and Toasters” in one of the casinos. One. Other slot machines you will see hundreds of times in every casino.
2) Las Vegas voice impressionist Andre Phillippe has a poster advertising his remarkable skill. The ending tagline: He does everyone ... even you!
3) The LCD monitor on the Jackpot Stampede Deluxe slot machine occasionally admonishes players to “Watch out for the poopers!” I didn’t stick around for any sort of context.