2000may10. I ended up watching a random two minutes here and there of “The Smartest Kid In America,” apparently an adjunct of “Who Wants To Answer Reprobate Questions Posed By Intellectual Giant Regis Philbin.” Hosted by Dick “I’m Still Not Dead Nor Doddering” Clark, this show had the type of questions that should be asked on “Who Wants To Dramatically Pause For Ten Minutes.” Here’s a transcript of my favorite q-n-a exchange:
What conic section is described by the equation “x squared plus y squared equals one"?Okay, first off, these are kids. KIDS, DAMMIT! You learn this stuff in high school. Unlike “Who Wants To Be Subjected To Harsh Dynamic Lighting Reminiscent Of A Prison Break,” the kids are offered no multiple choice answers, but if they had had, the multiple choice answers would have been “circle,” “ellipse,” and “hyperbola,” because these are the ONLY conic sections, and then they would have filled in the fourth one with a gimme, which, oh, let’s say would have been “pancakes” (I like pancakes). You probably knew this already, but I’m just making sure everyone is up to speed.
So the kid paused (dramatically), and answered:
Ummm, ‘Section One'?Now, FLASHBACK! (FLASHBACK!) You’re me (you sorry bastard), in 10th grade, “learning” advanced algebra trigonometry. You’re one of several class clowns, probably number three or four on the list, but you’re hoping with a few well-placed wisecracks and the heinous drop-out rate, one day you'll advance to number one. The Number One Class Clown is sitting to the immediate left of you, sleeping. The teacher has just finished putting up a complicated proof (god, I hated those fucking proofs) of some esoteric trig function, and he’s looking to call on someone. He “shouts out” to #1 C.C.: “Mike! MIKE! WHAT IS THE ANSWER!” Mike shoots straight up, sort of figures out where he is, and says, “ummm, three?”
“That’s RIGHT! THE ANSWER IS THREE!”I figured he had that number one position locked for the rest of the year after that.
But that’s not what I’m getting at (I’m getting at something?). Because of this (and many other things), I believe in the power of a bullshit, off-the-cuff answer when there’s nothing to lose. And “Section One” kid is about as brazen as one can get – you’re speaking to DICK CLARK in front of an audience of MILLIONS on TV, and you’re bluffing, crossing your fingers that you accidentally stumble onto the correct answer and win THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS instead of FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS and you’re crowned THE SMARTEST KID IN AMERICA and maybe then you won’t be beaten up in school tomorrow or maybe you will because of it.
The kid came in third place.
I think they should have just given him the title right after that answer.