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Cardhouse
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2000may01. Beward the Irish! [via deuce]

2000may01. Ebay: You sure are.

2000may01. You’ve always wanted to throw a brick at Don Henley’s head, haven’t you? Well, Deuce is going to try to do the next best thing.

2000may02. This is a long shot, but here goes: if you are using a cable modem on gtei.net and are running a web spider that is supposed to be trolling Cardhouse for who only knows what, be advised that:

1) Your algorithm sucks hard – you’ve consistently generated about 30 404’s every time you visit, and some of these URLs are obviously half-formed from other sites
2) You can stop now

2000may03. The Onion: American People To Live Happily Ever After

2000may03. It’s FEBO! Broodje mit kass!

2000may03. Does anyone know if John Strohm (of Blake Babies/Antenna fame) is related to John Strohm (the guy who edited the “Ford Almanac for Ranch and Home” in the 50s and 60s)? I’m curious. You can contact me through this page. [soosan]

2000may04. [Cardhouse] I have designed things. Here are some of the things.

2000may04. Just another photon push-pull radiation detector for use in chromaticaly selective cat flap control and 1,000 megaton, earth-orbital, peace-keeping bomb patent. See also Patently Absurd! [via jez]

2000may04. Mail.

Do you still play truck soccer games? Are they open to the public? If so I would like to know about upcoming games (location dates etc.) I will be taking a post grauduation cross country extravaganza in mid August and would like to participate.
– phil.

I don’t think they’re playing them anymore. It’s very sad.

2000may04. Mail.

Hey, tough guy, the “Axis” logo on your funny little design page, did you squeeze that out for the Axis resturant in Seattle? (Belltown, 2200 block of 1st) It looks familier, but I haven’t been by there for a little while. If so, um, great. Really super great. If not, well, you should have. I really like your website.

It probably looks familiar because invariably when someone makes a logo for the word “Axis” it looks every other logo for the word “Axis.” Mine is no different, client-specified, for Axis Comics. Half of the invoice was paid. I don’t expect to see the other half since that was, oh, eight years ago.

2000may05. I found him again. “Life without Jesus is like a donut.” Now I really like donuts.

2000may07. Team Busch (the vacuum pumps, not the beer) is attempting to go round the world in 80 days. In a car, just like Phineas Fogg! It’s Day 6 right now! Join in on the fun! Collect them all!

2000may07. Here’s another famous Phineas, but this Phineas was real! Totally extreme Phineas! T Gage!

2000may08. Here’s the Gnome Liberation Front. (You may need to use your high-school French.) [soosan]

2000may08. Let’s play a game. Think back to when you were a child (if you are a child now, you’re not supposed to be reading this and you are naughty! go porn-surf). Do you remember, and have a fondness for, certain books that you read or your parents read to you? You got that feeling deep inside you, warm and cuddly? Okay, hold that, now imagine you’re growing up now (hey, porn-surfing kids! come back!). Let’s take a look at what the child of today (I call him or her “The Child Of Now” or “Today’s Child” or “Fred”) will be feeling all warm and fuzzy about in our corporate-sponsored future.

Exhibit “A" ( Objeto expuesto “A") ( Exhibit “A2")
Exhibit “B"
Exhibit “C"
Exhibit “D"
Exhibit “E"
Exhibit “F"
Exhibit “G"

Destroy all advertising aimed at children. Oh heck, just get rid of the whole damned amoral advertising industry. I’m counting on you.

2000may09. “Git me my shotgun, maw, I’m gonna bag me a BILLBOARD" If you want to know what type of charming bullshit advertisers will be subjecting us to in the future, look to Silicon Valley now. This sign is almost flush up against 101. Distracting? No, no, not at all.

2000may09. [Cardhouse] All About section updated with 16 or so new All Abouts. This is the end of the All About section. Thank you.

2000may09. Information I am currently seeking.

(1) The entire ice cream song. There are words in addition to the “you scream, I scream, we all scream” nonsense.
(2) Any information on the television bumpers that aired in the early 70’s called “Snippets.” Master Apple, Seurat knew a lot about dots, etc, etc.

2000may09. Mail.

About the Pleasure Railroad car: It might have worked, actually. There appears to be a lever linkage and a set of springs to control the angle of the wings, allowing them to act as spoilers on the way down and then pop into glide mode when the car left the track. Or maybe I’m misreading the drawing.

Among the many things I am not, “airplane engineer” appears near the top of the list. I’m going to hold my tongue on this one until I can get someone with practical experience to evaluate the drawings and mind of Mr. Aitken.

2000may10. I ended up watching a random two minutes here and there of “The Smartest Kid In America,” apparently an adjunct of “Who Wants To Answer Reprobate Questions Posed By Intellectual Giant Regis Philbin.” Hosted by Dick “I’m Still Not Dead Nor Doddering” Clark, this show had the type of questions that should be asked on “Who Wants To Dramatically Pause For Ten Minutes.” Here’s a transcript of my favorite q-n-a exchange:

What conic section is described by the equation “x squared plus y squared equals one"?

Okay, first off, these are kids. KIDS, DAMMIT! You learn this stuff in high school. Unlike “Who Wants To Be Subjected To Harsh Dynamic Lighting Reminiscent Of A Prison Break,” the kids are offered no multiple choice answers, but if they had had, the multiple choice answers would have been “circle,” “ellipse,” and “hyperbola,” because these are the ONLY conic sections, and then they would have filled in the fourth one with a gimme, which, oh, let’s say would have been “pancakes” (I like pancakes). You probably knew this already, but I’m just making sure everyone is up to speed.

So the kid paused (dramatically), and answered:

Ummm, ‘Section One’?

Now, FLASHBACK! (FLASHBACK!) You’re me (you sorry bastard), in 10th grade, “learning” advanced algebra trigonometry. You’re one of several class clowns, probably number three or four on the list, but you’re hoping with a few well-placed wisecracks and the heinous drop-out rate, one day you’ll advance to number one. The Number One Class Clown is sitting to the immediate left of you, sleeping. The teacher has just finished putting up a complicated proof (god, I hated those fucking proofs) of some esoteric trig function, and he’s looking to call on someone. He “shouts out” to #1 C.C.: “Mike! MIKE! WHAT IS THE ANSWER!” Mike shoots straight up, sort of figures out where he is, and says, “ummm, three?”

“That’s RIGHT! THE ANSWER IS THREE!”

I figured he had that number one position locked for the rest of the year after that.

But that’s not what I’m getting at (I’m getting at something?). Because of this (and many other things), I believe in the power of a bullshit, off-the-cuff answer when there’s nothing to lose. And “Section One” kid is about as brazen as one can get – you’re speaking to DICK CLARK in front of an audience of MILLIONS on TV, and you’re bluffing, crossing your fingers that you accidentally stumble onto the correct answer and win THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS instead of FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS and you’re crowned THE SMARTEST KID IN AMERICA and maybe then you won’t be beaten up in school tomorrow or maybe you will because of it.

The kid came in third place.

I think they should have just given him the title right after that answer.

2000may10. Mail.

You have no idea who the hell I am, but I just wanted to tell you that a few years ago, I sporadically worshipped the X. (British distribution was pretty spotty.) Possibly the second finest zine ever, not counting the ones I used to produce. Respect. – James W
(working for a dot-com kill me now)

Always grand to hear from ex-X readers, especially the ones who somehow snagged our magazine overseas. I got a call once from someone in Australia at 3am who was reading the magazine and had forgotten about the time zone, but it certainly made my day. Good to hear from you sir, and thanks for dropping a line!

2000may10. Andria has emailed us the Ice Cream Song. Someone else has found it on the web:

The lyrics to the ice cream song are at:
http://stores.yahoo.com/sendicecream/iscreamyousc.html

My web page is at http://www.csun.edu/~lg42537]

My favorite food is lasagna, and I really like victorian toffee.

Horses are pretty.

2000may11. Okay, I’m in the process of downloading this program, but it sounds absolutely dreamy – finally, a piece of software that allows me to PREVIEW email messgaes BEFORE downloading them ... I will DEFEAT all of my SPAM enemies and FRIENDS WHO SEND ME TWELVE CAT PICTURES IN ONE BIG CHUNK WHEN I’M EXPECTING A JOB OFFER VIA EMAIL AND THE CAT CHUNK COMES FIRST AND I’M SCREAMING AHHH AHHH like that.

Unless it has ads. I haven’t figured that out. If it has ads, I’ll be very sad. Very sad indeed!

2000may11. NoooooooOOOOOO!!! It’s got ADS!!! SON OF A BITCH! I hate computers! I HATE THEM! Surely there must be another AD FREE version somewhere! I can’t TAKE THIS anymore! I ... I ... I want to be a BAKER! Bakers don’t use computers, do they? DO THEY? I can make cakes and pies, from mother-scratching scratch! I mean, I could. I mean, maybe I’d just go to baking school and eat the lumps of dough everyone starts out with when they’re supposed to make some pastries or something.

2000may11. Everyone enjoys California Asshole DMV stories

2000may15. HTML version of Asteroids

2000may15. www.idonline.com. This is the online version of I.D. magazine (“The International Design Magazine”). I jumped on the net, pumped up with incredible enthusiasm about this month’s print version, but I remain somewhat in shock after quickly glancing at their paltry offerings online (and what gives with the horrid domain name?). Anyway, it seems as though I.D. is angling their publication more toward the general public, at least with this issue – definitely go and pick this month’s (“May”) up -- lots of interesting smaller design bits and things that have been riling me up lately:

electronic billboards
book designer irma boom
”smart kitchen” gadgets that prepare your food then have sex with you or each other
game show set design
pantone profile by tom vanderbilt
beds on planes
samsonite’s travel clothing
mechanical speed/stride-enhancing footwear (a must see! OSCARS for BIONIC BOOT!)
live motion

and more!

2000may15. Old news on the Bionic Boot (no pix); also crappy picture of Bionic Boots in action (boot contraption apparently extends to the knee)

2000may15. Please Pass The Science updated!!!!

2000may16. Slashdot thread on moving domains away from Network Solutions thank god [via jon]

2000may16. [Cardhouse] “Gimme” want list page updated

2000may16. Shoutin’ out to KANSAS CITY!!!! WOOT!!!! (?)

2000may17. Mail.

Hello..
I was at a garage sale today, skimming through a box of old 45’s, and found a record with the title “Hartz Mountain Canary Training Record..” Recalling seeing something similar on your Gimme List yesterday, I grabbed it and paid the pipe smoking guy running the sale. I went home.

Not two steps out of his driveway, I pulled the record from the sleeve, to see what condition it was in.. The record was free of scratches and nicks, which is all fine and ducky, but it wasn’t the canary training record. Instead, I found an “Atari Space Raiders Read Along Record.”

(“When you hear the tone, turn the page..”)

I brought it back to the pipe smoking man, and asked if I could look for the correct 45 in his bin ...

“All sales are final. No refunds.”

I told him I didn’t *want* a refund, just the right record for the righ sleeve.

“All sales are final. No refunds.”

*grr* So, to make this now very long story short.. I have a sleeve, but no 45 to go along with it. If it’s of any use to you, you’re welcome to it..

The sleeve itself is in sorta good condition.. It’s a little yellowed, and the flap on the back is torn.. But all the main graphics and text are inact and legible. (I can send you scans..)

Thanks,

-- Mike

I hate those Garage Sale Asshole experiences. Suburban Control Freaks from the ’50s, usually, eking out their last bit of perceived power before their timely death. It’s bizarre, really. I tend to think of a garage sale as inherently buyer-friendly. I think I run into more weirdoes than average because I sometimes have a nutjob question, like just buying a nicely-designed box instead of overpriced item inside. For these people, a simple “no” will not suffice – they have to harrangue, as well. At one sale I went to and tried the box trick on a stapler, the entire contents of the sale had been left out in the rain for at least a day – everything was rusted and ruined. But dammit, she was going to hold onto that cardboard box, yessir, wouldn’t sell it for a buck.

2000may17. Mail.

hey, what do you think is a good name for a porn site? a funny one perhaps?

All porn is funny.

2000may18. The Mojave Phone Booth has been removed. As in, it’s on permanent loan with the feds.

2000may18. Going out to eat in NYC? Check here first to find out what kind of vermin they’ve got at your restaurant of choice. Also works as an appetite suppressant. [soosan]

2000may18. Another concept that makes me dizzy. [soosan]

2000may18. Wouldn’t you rather blend in with nature instead of traffic? Mud makes the perfect camouflage. And the 4Runner, with a powerful V6 engine and the highest ground clearance in its class, is the ideal way to cover yourself in it. ADVENTURE. EVERY DAY. TOYOTA

National Geographic back cover advertisement March 2000

2000may18. Tread luxuriously. Tread lightly and luxuriously in Lincoln Navigator, the world’s most powerful full-size luxury SUV. Tread spaciously, too. Navigator has room for seven in three rows of leather-trimmed seats. Lincoln Navigator. American Luxury.

New Yorker back inside cover advertisement May 22 2000

2000may19. “Fear the amazing power of: SUCTION LASS!” (from tieboy) [lore]

2000may19. Unfortunately, Shaun J Fairlee did not become Portland’s new mayor. [via tom who is currently IN THE ZONE]

2000may19. Mail.

I am looking for a japanese gum called felix. Do you know where I can get a hold of any?

Oooh, jeez, Felix! No. Is that related to the cat? I’ll keep an eye out for you. .. you’re interested in it for the gum itself? Like one pack? Or multiples? Do you live near a big city?

I am looking for it for the gum yes. I live in a small city in new york. I want to purchase a case of it, because it is so hard to find. I doubt you can get it here in the states. Thank you, fo your help

I have not been able to find the Felix. Perhaps our intrepid readers will come ... come to the rescue!

2000may20. NOT THAT YOU WOULD. BUT YOU COULD. Oh, the places you can now go and the things you can now achieve. That’s because underneath the new 2001 Nissan Pathfinder’s seductively sculpted sheet metal resides the most powerful SUV engine we’ve ever built. An exceptionally potent 3.5-liter, 240-hp powerplant, born from “one of America’s 10 best engines.” And reinvented to provide more horsepower for greater acceleration. More torque for enhanced towing and hauling capability. And even more refinement in the form of smoothness and quietness to improve every driving situation. So, while you may never storm Pikes Peak or own the passing lane in Munich, isn’t it nice to know you could?

New Yorker two-page advertisement May 15 2000 pg40-41

2000may20. Kem playing cards. Just tripped over two sets (four decks) from 1934. Current decks very expensive. But so very ... KEM!

2000may22. Writer’s Digest is hosting their own “National Zine Publishing Awards.” How wonderful of them. Twenty-five dollar entry fee, which is some zine’s full printing budget; and a whopping FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR grand prize, which is twenty other people’s entry fees.

2000may23. Fun-e Fotos: two very clean planes. [257k; via jon]

2000may23. Dude, let’s go to the Mojave Concrete Pad! I saw it on the NBC!

2000may23. Where I come from, you wouldn’t name your college this. [soosan]

2000may24. The “Cher” is especially egregious. [soosan]

2000may24. A question. Is anyone out there using some sort of html generator program? I don’t mean something that has you working with some What You See Is Almost What You Get GUI program like Dreamweaver, I’m talking about something that allows you to mark up text pages with pseudo-html and then it does all the dirty work of creating the html code.

2000may29. Tail Taggers 120? A inconclusive and sorely lacking list of the films of one “David Elliot.”

2000may30. Mail.

I live in Tokyo & need instant mash potato(SMASH)is the best.Will swop stuff from Japan.Does anybody read this??cheers
-- Beezer

I replied in the affirmative. But what to swop?

You Wrote:Well ... WE have got dried “natto” which is fermented soya beans. It really does stinks and very sticky but it’s very good for you! Do you want to do one pack for one?? Thanks.
-- Beezer

But, I said, I can get natto here in the states. I wanted cool Japanese paper packaging. How to explain? Perhaps this swopping is fruitless.

OK! So you can get natto. If you are intersted in packaging I can keep all the wrappers. I did not realize you are in San Fran. not Coneticute. It’s called “smash” instant mash potato. Peace.
– Beezer

Our correspondence ended there. But I will always remember Mr. Smash.

2000may31. An article on the Simpsons which is just like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer is a food critic? Right? And he says, he says ...

2000may31. Federal Safety Yellow school crossing signs replaced by Federal Freak-Out Neon Yellow [via Wire Mommy]

2000may31. No Media Kings: An exploration of one writer’s dance with the corporate devil.

2000may31. So which one’s the exhibit? [via jon]

2000may31. Somebody broke into my car today and took about four dollars in change out of the ashtray. So I went and bought some ice cream. It cost three dollars and forty nine cents. At least they didn’t break the window and miss the change and extra car keys lying around like last time. Not that I leave extra car keys in the car anymore. I mean, I don’t. I like ice cream.