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party poker

2000mar01. I’ll take all of you sissies on! C’mon!

2000mar01. I like nice stories that turn out nice. This one is about a nice dinosaur! Nice.

2000mar02. Pinkisgood: My Cat Stole My Pantyhose (flash required) [via Pinkisgood]

2000mar03. Tons of Russian candy from Red October. CRAZY IVAN! I wish the images were larger.


2000mar07. Madonna in Love With English Pubs, Also Enjoys Indian Food, Those Silly Little Scottish Hats, Henna, Paczkis, Judaism, and Anything Else That Will Help Sell Her Latest “Compact Disc” Recording. [via Megan]

2000mar07. Pixbarn.

Commentary is superfluous.

2000mar09. Royal Journal: Cross-cultural artifacts.

2000mar10. Identity swap database. You must know your height and weight in “metric” units. Also enjoy the unique multi-lingual animated gifs.

2000mar10. I have been observing, with my scientist’s eye, the onion, and the garlic. I am prepared to assert that these two herbs may be related in some fashion.

2000mar10. The beautiful and most important Car Garden [via Lo]

2000mar13. The holiday season is fast approaching, and you’ve no gift ideas for the fat baby boomer on your list. Rejoice! REJOICE I SAY. For it is I, the moderator of the It’s The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog Scene 2000, bringing you ordering information for just the exceedingly perfect product to purchase for your pudgy pal.

2000mar13. Topsy Turvy. Topsy Fucking Turvy. Clocking in at two hours and forty minutes, you better damn well enjoy the myriad dead-end subplots that all the critics are raving about. One of the actors ... does heroin! One of the actresses ... has a leg injury, but then she’s okay! Someone’s pregnant ... but she’s going to take care of it! Gilbert bumps into a street woman and he is harangued! Another actress can’t get any men because she has a daughter ... and then, later, she can’t get any men because she has a daughter!. Time wasters, all. But who cares when you (the viewer) apparently have all the time in the world? Why edit a film? Otherwise, there were some theatre-related Mikado-ee bits in there that would entertain those type of people who like musicals. There is funny verbal sparring. But if I want a film to last three hours, I’ll watch it 2.3 times.

2000mar13. Furious George and the Cross-Country Crime Spree

2000mar13. God that Furious George thing is wonderful. Read the rules first, though.

2000mar14. The Last Case of Encyclopedia Brown [via Britain]

2000mar14. I want a yellow cupcake from Hostess.

2000mar14. Mmmmmmm ... mouth-watering, ummm, whatever that is. [via megan]

2000mar14. Salon: wacked foreign game shows

2000mar14. Maybe, one day, a strange, beautiful war will break out and both sides will eventually collapse and die.

2000mar14. Mail.

Have you ever considerd renaming the site to “Cardhaus"? That would be so much more, um, what’s the word? Oh yeah – “Euro” keep on rockin!

No, that domain name is taken. Please do not be confused.

2000mar15. Legacy machines. Old computing power continues to live. Get off the treadmill. Break the shackles of Microsoft and Apple and be free. Personally I’d like to be able to program in DCL again.

2000mar15. I have received a few emails asking me how to purchase candy cigarettes. So I have prepared a small textual guide. It is boring.

2000mar15. Marci o’ Portland Cacophony Society

2000mar16. Seventeen blades. Who cares. Die.

2000mar16. [Cardhouse] A Drinking Prayer.

2000mar16. Salon: Net.art.

2000mar16. Mail.

dammit all to hell!! when are you gonna get off your pooper and update the damn deck o’ junk?? i need to see my cards boy!!!!

I am very tired. Also I am moving. And hungry, too.

2000mar16. Pixbarn.

When Others Drink.
A motivational prayer from Young People’s Prayers: Religion at Work in Life (1950).

Special thanks to Rusty.

2000mar17. Inconspicuous Consumption: Three-point Pops

2000mar17. Ebay: Okay, it could be for dogs, not babies. Could be.

2000mar17. Cintra.

2000mar18. Mail.

Hi, my name is Megan G. and I own a company called Card Haus. Originally I was going to call it Card House, but that domain name was already in use, hence the German spelling. I was wondering if you would do a favor for me. Could you put a link up to my website on your site? I think some of our business is being lost due to the different spelling. The text by it could say something like “If you are looking for Magic and Pokemon cards, click here.” Let me know what you think, I would really appreciate it if we could work something out. Thanks!

I told Megan she could pay me for the site or pay me for advertising. She never responded. She has correctly surmised that people are erroneously going to Cardhouse instead of Cardhaus. I am trying to figure out why someone interested in collecting Pokemon cards, for example, would not be able to differentiate between the English and German spellings of Card House. I will think about this for a long time.

2000mar19. Mail.


2000mar20. "My God,” said the police chief. “Those Oscars might be packed with C4 or sumthin’! Ain’t no way we can return ‘em now!”

2000mar21. Mail.

hi I am alya ... .
i would like to be your friend
i am girl
iam arabic girl i live in Dubai in United Arab Emirates

Thank you

[dubbed dialogue] You are of no use to me, girl. Candy cigarettes are outlawed in the United Arab Emirates. Be gone. [tosses Alya over shoulder into sand] Wait! Interesting packaging! Come back, Alya, come back!!! Oh boo hoo ...

2000mar22. Excerpt.

The following was introduced:

H. 4133 – Reps. Allison, Townsend, Altman, Askins, Bailey, Barfield, Barrett, Battle, Bauer, Baxley, Beck, Boan, Bowers, Breeland, G. Brown, H. Brown, J. Brown, T. Brown, Byrd, Campsen, Canty, Carnell, Cato, Cave, Chellis, Clyburn, Cobb-Hunter, Cooper, Cotty, Cromer, Dantzler, Davenport, Delleney, Easterday, Edge, Felder, Fleming, Gamble, Gourdine, Govan, Hamilton, Harrell, Harrison, Harvin, Haskins, Hawkins, J. Hines, M. Hines, Hinson, Hodges, Howard, Inabinett, Jennings, Jordan, Keegan, Kelley, Kennedy, Kinon, Kirsh, Klauber, Knotts, Koon, Lanford, Law, Leach, Lee, Limbaugh, Limehouse, Littlejohn, Lloyd, Loftis, Mack, Maddox, Martin, Mason, McCraw, McKay, McLeod, McMahand, McMaster, Meacham, Miller, Moody-Lawrence, Mullen, Neal, Neilson, Parks, Phillips, Pinckney, Quinn, Rhoad, Rice, Riser, Robinson, Rodgers, Sandifer, Scott, Seithel, Sharpe, Sheheen, Simrill, D. Smith, F. Smith, J. Smith, R. Smith, Spearman, Stille, Stoddard, Stuart, Tripp, Trotter, Vaughn, Walker, Webb, Whatley, Whipper, Wilder, Wilkes, Wilkins, Witherspoon, Woodrum, Young and Young-Brickell: A CONCURRENT RESOLUTION SALUTING MISS SOUTH CAROLINA, ANGELA MICHELLE HUGHES, ON HER OUTSTANDING ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND HER SUPERB REPRESENTATION OF THE PALMETTO STATE DURING THE PAST YEAR.

Whereas, in July, 1996, Angela Michelle Hughes won the crown and title of Miss South Carolina; and Whereas, for the past year, she has wonderfully represented the Palmetto State in many capacities and endeavors, including competing in the Miss America Pageant in Atlantic City, New Jersey, last September; and Whereas, Miss Hughes is a 1993 honor graduate of Blue Ridge High School in Greer; she attended Wofford College for two years after high school and then attended Anderson College for a year and will return to Anderson College after the completion of her reign as Miss South Carolina; and Whereas, she has won numerous scholastic awards, including the following: Collegiate Award, All American Scholar, Gamma Beta Phi Honor Society, President of Omicron Iota Kappa, Dean’s List, and Fashion Merchandising Scholarship; and Whereas, her community efforts and endeavors have included the following: Board Member, Anderson Alliance for Prevention of Child Abuse; member, South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse; Blue Ribbon Campaign Volunteer for Prevention of Child Abuse; and Character Education Camp Coordinator for Developing Character Traits in Children; and Whereas, her statewide platform as Miss South Carolina has been the “Power of Self Esteem” for children of all ages; and Whereas, Ms. Hughes is a beautiful, talented, and dynamic young woman who deeply cares about others, especially children; all South Carolinians are very proud of her; she has been an excellent queen whose representation of the Palmetto State from 1996 to 1997 will long be remembered and appreciated. Now, therefore, Be it resolved by the House of Representatives, the Senate concurring: That the General Assembly of the State of South Carolina, by this resolution, salutes Miss South Carolina, Angela Michelle Hughes, on her outstanding accomplishments and her superb representation of the Palmetto State during the past year. Be it further resolved that a copy of this resolution be forwarded to Ms. Angela Michelle Hughes.

The Concurrent Resolution was agreed to and ordered sent to the Senate.


2000mar22. Undiscussed subtext: the SSA considers the “normal retirement age” to be SIXTY SEVEN YEARS OLD even though 80% of the people retiring now are under sixty FIVE. I wonder what the penalty is if I just retire now.

2000mar23. I don’t usually do this, but I provide this link with a WARNING: This may cause extreme nausea. [via obscure store]

2000mar23. Blowthedotoutyourass.com [via Britain]

2000mar23. Mail.

My name is Darrell with Feast Ur Eyes Distribution. I am in the adult business, just looking for unquike magazines that stores don t carry. Thats why I am writing to you to see if we can do some kind of business. If so please contact me with some information or questions.
Thank You Darrell c\o Feast Ur Eyes Distribution

I would like to purchase your finest pornographic magazine. You see, my mother has just thrown away what used to be my finest pornographic magazine. I am currently in arbitration with her over this egregious offense, and am certain that justice will see its way to allow me to “party” once again. Bust it.

2000mar24. Mail.

I must report: in the movie “Close Encounters of the Third Kind,” Richard Dreyfuss and company DID NOT climb to the top of Devil’s Tower. It may have been noted as such in the novelization and certain movie summaries, but I don’t believe that the movie itself made the argument that one can climb to the very top of the monument. It has always been my assumption that Dreyfuss and company climbed to the upper base of the tower. I am certain that another viewing by yourself will substantiate my corrections. This report has been prompted by statements made in your otherwise brilliant Burning Man 95 essay. The offending Devil’s Tower statement was made here. – flashman

DOOOOOOOOH, THAT FLASHMAN!!! “Upper base"? There’s an “upper base"? I’m sorry, what’s with the “upper base"? Any Devil’s Tower fans out there? I don’t remember seeing any “upper base,” just one hell of a climb almost straight up ...

2000mar24. Mail.

how can i pick up chicks? give me some sure fire lines..

“Say, did you know I’m a multi-millionaire?"
“Hey, here’s $1,000,000, just for being you.”
“Do you like money? Because I currently have a lot of it.”
“Would you all mind gathering onto the prongs of this forklift?"
“I am Bill Gates and weoooodoggies am I rich.”
“I am also Bill Gates.”
“No, I am.”
“Hey, fellas, now, there’s no need to get angry. There’s enough chicks here for the both of ya!”
[SFX: The Bill Gates’s engage in wild gunplay, shooting into ceiling and floor]

2000mar25. Fitzgeralds, El Dorado, Atlantis, etc, Reno.

Casino win/loss: $-11.30.
Total win/loss: $-80.85.

Oooh! What a horrible gambling time! Bay area Traffic was (and really, always is) vicious, I was tired, the slot machines were evil. I was ready to spend about thirty bucks, but I “gave up” early. We also practically ran out of Fitzgeralds – it’s Irish-themed and there was just too much goddamn green everywhere. Good news: one of my friends got up $100 on blackjack, and the Milk Farm sign will be saved and renovated. It was also delightful to see an old lady “attached” to her casino card by a plastic leash – it looked like the slot machine owned her. I mean, was her companion.

2000mar27. Rich CEOs inventing exciting new sports and breaking records! [via Fark]

2000mar27. Don’t forget to wear your latex gloves when handling your overseas plane ticket in this Brave New World

2000mar27. Excellent Item of the Week: The Postal Meter

2000mar27. [Cardhouse] Casino standings updated

2000mar27. Constructor [per jon]

2000mar27. A kid at the market today asked his mother if there was “any color darker than black.” What a stupid kid.

Black Plus.

2000mar27. Esquire prank: Freewheelz.com. The website is registered to the author of the piece.

2000mar28. Cintra. Oscar.

2000mar30. Two announcements.

I am playing a game tenatively called “The Highest Sodium Content Ever Game.” As most foreigners know, Americans love the salt. Most older American homes have a small square access panel near the side door – that’s where the weekly salt lick was delivered. This tradition lives on in overly-processed frozen foods and even in some foodstuffs in which sodium would be a most unwelcome ingredient. So I am looking to discover exactly which product has the most sodium ever. There are two categories: the sodium RDA percentage per serving, and total sodium. To get the total sodium, you have to multiply the sodium amount (not percentage) per serving by the number of servings (HELLO, DUH???). Anyway, this contest will run for awhile (a month?) then I will announce the winners and all of the high sodium findings and I will give the winners some stuff. It will be good stuff. Non-edible, but good. You should just use the contact page and include the full name of the product, and numbers for the two categories (or just the first one, if you’ve forogotten how to multiply – it happens to the best of us). Sodium, sodium. Sodium. Am I spelling that right?

Also if you can write sort of dopey like me and want to contribute to this weblog then let me know. It’s really easy. Perhaps too easy. I’ve got some other things that need patching up and you’d much rather I spent the time on that stuff instead of this stuff. Trust me.

2000mar30. Does anyone remember the “after school special” in which a schoolkid asked how exactly Hitler’s Germany could come to pass – and the teacher showed her through example, by creating a shadowy political group within the school? What was the name of that group? [via rc3]

2000mar31. Okay, this is my big move day. So really quickly now:

I knew it was The Wave -- see, the link takes you to the rat-on-your-fellow-students W.A.V.E. America program -- get it? Okay! But thanks to the people who wrote in, and especially those who provided the imdb link – I couldn’t find anything on the net about the program ...

The sodium entries are RAGING into Cardhouse! Keep’em coming!

I’m still taking entries for additional webloggers! Yes, an entire day later!

Most importantly: Things are going to be rough for the next week and a half. Computers: Disassembled! Our talented web guru: In Abstentia! Taxes: Incomplete! Moving: right now! So if I don’t answer your email promptly, it is probably because of one or more of these factors. Kiss, kiss! See you on the other side! T.L.A.!!!!