2000jul02. Me and the crew were hitting up all the super-fly garage sales this morning. Some old guy up in the hills decided to bail on his 60-year accumulation of electronic noodlings, and the crew found a real purty RCA tube package. Who cares about the tube? One dollar for the whole schmeer. So we ask the lady (maybe the old guy’s daughter?) how much for just the package? And she can’t stop laughing about this. Meanwhile, her kid is telling her to give it to us for free. Then her husband (?) comes grumbling up and says ”one dollar”; after we politely said “no thank you” and started walking away the hubby says to his wife nice and loud “I ain’t dicking around with any coins.” This is at a garage sale, mind you. And the kid looks at him like he’s from outer space.
Hi this is Kirt Webster of Webster & Associates Public Relations in Nashville, Tennessee. I represent a musical humorist, formerly on MCA and Curb Records, named Kacey Jones. Her new album “Every Man I Loved Is Either Married, Gay, or Dead” will be released in late August and I was wondering if you would be interested in hearing, reviewing, or playing the record.
Actually, I just finished repeatedly stabbing myself in the eyeball with a pair of scissors, so I’m not sure what else I’d rather do at this point.
2000jul05. Exclusive Pepsi/school deal stalled: ”I don’t think it has anything to do with values,” said board member Karen Young. “I think it has to do with common sense and good business sense.” Thank you for your refreshing honesty, Karen. NOW LET’S GET BACK TO SELLING OUT THE CHILDRENS
2000jul05. This was tacked onto the end of a piece of spam I received the other day, like an out-of-control mail signature. Is this supposed to impress the target audience, or cause massive revulsion?
Thus, relational information adds overwhelming Folkloristic significance to our hedonic Folklife perspective over a given time period. Note that a subset of English sentences interesting on quite independent grounds presents extremely interesting challenges to the overall negative profitability. In theory, the characterization of specific criteria is holistically compounded, in the context of the anticipated fourth-generation equipment. In particular, the appearance of parasitic gaps in domains relatively inaccessible to ordinary extraction necessitates that urgent consideration be applied to problems of phonemic and morphological analysis. To characterize a linguistic level L, the product assurance architecture requires considerable performance analysis and computer studies to arrive at a general convention regarding the forms of the grammar. I suggested that these results would follow from the assumption that the descriptive power of the base component suffices to account for the management-by- contention principle.
2000jul06. Might as well give up now: “This map is not drawn to scale ... but it’s fun to use!” [soosan]
2000jul07. Ebay: “I swears I wouldn’t try to cheat on you, Johnny, everyone knows you run a swell joint, I ain’t got nothing against you, Johnny ... ” “What gives with the load, then, Bax boy?” “Awwww, Johnny, I --” [FX: motions toward belt] “DROP IT, BAXTON!” [SFX: shots ring out] ”Awww geez, arggh, ya plugged me, ya plugged me good there, Johnny, I’m dyin’ ... I’m dyin’ ... also: I’m dyin’ ... “
2000jul07. The first thing I’m a gonna do when I get rich is I’m going to buy one of these things, and then I’m going park some more SUVs inside it, then I’m going to drive the whole motley crew off a cliff, landing on more SUVs. Then even more SUVs will be dropped on top of it with a helicopter. Then I will no longer be rich.
Meow ... Looking through the candy smokes/stix thing, and happened to notice the ‘Kings’ brand ... they actually look like Pall Malls, what my father used to smoke when I was a kid. I don’t remember the white chevron, but the crown at the bottom was definitely there ...
I enjoyed your site. Your comments made me laugh out loud. Thank you for the laughter. Is has been long. So very long.
2000jul09. About a month ago I met a gentleman (let’s call him “D.S.”) who has a five-point plan when it comes to women. The five requirements are:
fun, intelligent, attractive, career-oriented, and has a social conscience.
When prodded, it turns out that it is also required that the woman live in Manhattan, but this, apparently, falls under “fun.”
I am very curious about D.S. and his five-point plan. (Which technically, of course, isn’t a “plan,” but whatever ... he doesn’t say he has to be intelligent.)
I saw D.S. again on Friday. I asked him how his five-point plan was coming. Turns out he likes to talk about his five-point plan, but it spooks him a little that someone else is intrigued. I guess “has a good memory” isn’t part of the plan. [soosan]
2000jul09. I think I just made everything blue. I guess that’s why I fail the five-point plan! [soosan]
2000jul09. Don’t fret, Soosan. Knowledge of Perl scripts and custom weblog software is not necessarily part of the five-point plan. [scott]
[name of site + geoshitties url deleted]
Off-beat and savvy humour – original animation, cartoons and more – updated weekly! Includes The Gallery for Grown-ups – adults only! Something to offend virtually everyone! If you have any sensibilities at all, then please, spare yourself. How about throwing me a link??
I am sparing myself.
am interested in buying some of your clip art. What sort of flavors does it come in , anyway? I am in great need of some mirth. Please send me a list, or descriptions, prices,etc. – however it is that y’all do business up there.
Oh my god
i never laughed so hard in my entire life. That was a true statement not a hyperbole.
Your site SUCKS!!!!!!!!
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY THATS IT THAT IS ALL YOU GET
2000jul27. Commercial Casino, Elko; Nevada Hotel, Ely.
Casino win/loss: $-2.60.
Total win/loss: $-83.45.
I don’t remember much about the Commercial Casino. I lost some money there. I am now, for the most part, only playing one slot machine once per casino. Walk in, drop seventy-five cents, pull, leave. But Elko, what a town! The grooviest neon street signs! Low-cost, comfortable motel (Centre Motel)! A truck filled with bored rams, each possessing TWO GIGANTIC FURRY TESTICLES THAT COMBINED, ALMOST APPEARED TO BE A FIFTH LEG! Wow!
The Nevada Hotel hotel (in Ely) is a great place to stay for the night. But I would not recommend the restaurant (the wait time is atrocious, day or night). Also it has a very small casino. But still, two thumbs way up for the cheap and comfy/stlish accomodations.
2000jul30. Back from month-long vacation. Can’t access email account. THERE’S A SURPRISE. Yes, in the future you will have refrigerators taking food orders directly from your stomach, but you won’t be able to read your eMail.
2000jul31. I was hoping that when we returned from our vacation we would get some more information on the whereabouts of this trucker -- we saw a flyer posted in a Minnesota rest area – but there’s nothing new posted.
2000jul31. More vacation hilarity. While cruising the local radio dial in the Wisconsin/Upper Michigan area, we ran across something called “The Shopping Show” on WJNR. Confused, then fascinated, we tuned in as loyal radio listeners called to get deep, deep discounts on merchandise (typically fast food or local events). On this web site (the radio station we listened to – it seems like there are several of these things, do a google search for “The Shopping Show”), coupons are referred to as “tickets.” The callers themselves each had an I.D. number so the host could record their amazing savings. Here now I present to you some typical conversations that took place on The Shopping Show (with your host, Jessie James).
Hello, do you have any more tickets for Tim’s Pasties?
What’s your number?
That is four dollars, a seven dollar value. Anything else?
Any tickets for KFC pot pie?
Those are all gone tonight.
Do you have any tickets for the Ho Dag?
No, I’m sorry.
Do you have anything for the Swedish Pancakes Mega Breakfast?
Sure doo! May I get your number?
Do you have any Doobie Brothers tickets?
I sure doo!
Okay, I’d like one. How much for the DQ ice cream sundae?
Ice cream sundae, 2.56 for 1.52.
Okay, how many tickets do you have?
I’ll take all four, then.
What’s your number?
2000jul31. Two other random “get info off the web when you get home” failures:
The Hayward Pharmacy, in New Town, Michigan, was closed approximately five years ago by the federal government, and I never really got the full story (selling drugs illegally? frame-up?). The place still has its inventory relatively intact. That’s five years of sun bleaching for you, Mr. King Vitamin and Mrs. Coca-Cola. Web hits: 0.
We tried to hang in Lake Tahoe on a Saturday night – big mistake (“how much for a room?” “one hundred and forty dollars” “and tomorrow, that room would cost ... ” “thirty-four dollars”). We were going to eat at Harvey’s, and we recalled our friends at Bigrig mentioning the 1980 casino bombing. Web hits: 3 crappy fedgov sites, 1 suggestion to rent “Tales of the FBI” or something like that.
It’s a conspiracy ... a conspiracy of silence (cue “A Current Affair” pyramid smacking music here).
2000jul31. Saturday night I won $125 on an Elvis-themed slot machine in Vegas. [soosan]
sample magazine via letter
85 Gedungsari Ave
freeloaders get bent via beatings
I want you to be with me always, you make me feel alive. I’l never desert you as we we grow to trust each other’s love.