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2000feb01. It’s February. You know what that means. don’t you? You thought I forgot? It’s the It’s The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog Scene 2000’s Second Annual Canadian Month Spectacular! That’s right! 31 or whatever days of Mostly Canadian Content! Or not! Canadian money? AT PAR! Bryan Adams? A well-respected musician! So sit back, crack open a Molson, and “take off,” you “hoser"! “Eh!”

2000feb02. Clean Surface: Debris.

2000feb03. Mail.

Thanks for pointing out all of the cute stuff on e-bay (as seen on the home page – “ed"). Unfortunately, I can only look at a few thousand cute items at one sitting, so I devised a method to hone the list down to the cream of the cute crop; if you put in a keyword search including appropriate exclamation points, not only do you get a list of the most cute stuff (cuteness rating easily being measured by counting the punctuation marks carefully doled out by the seller.), but the cuter it is, the smaller the list becomes. Just look at these numbers-

Cute!=2686 items
Cute!!=1054 items
Cute!!!=504 items
Cute!!!!=135 items

This continues until we get to the achingly rare ten pointer finds like the “boy’s Guess sweatshirt- cute!!!!!!!!!!”

Of course, I’m in the market for lots of other crap that isn’t just “cute” but is equally extreme, like “rare!!!,” or “new!!!,” or the occasional “cool!!!”

I now find it quite simple just to put in exclamation points by themselves. There were a paltry few items meriting the prestigious 25+ point rating, but the one item that caught my eye was the gem, “CROCHET TABLECLOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I think the fact that the caps lock key was a clever marketing ploy as well. I got a tear in my eye, in fact, upon loading up the item’s info as I went back to my youth when all the neighborhood kids would play that game, running through the woods all the while shouting “CROCHET TABLECLOTH!!!!!!!!!”

Wow. I miss those days.

Was I supposed to ask a question?
– Jaf Rye

No, that is quite all right. I have also been beta-testing other search terms in ebay, like “bizarre,” “love,” and “suck.” The latter offers "Suck ‘em up your exhaust. Satin Chevie Jacket" as the latest auction, and also flags some of the "Big Johnson" oeuvre. I miss the midwest.

2000feb03. Narduwar vs. Loverboy. ”Loverboy: responsible for headbands, payola, and Courtney Love’s nose.” [via Rain Barrel]

2000feb03. I have heard a rumor that thecounter.com is replacing their five-mile sneaker-net runner with a bicycle messenger.

2000feb04. The French: wimps.

2000feb04. Cintra.

2000feb04. Stockhausen: off his nutter AGAIN!

2000feb07. Special Collector’s Edition AZU Airmail Stamp now available

2000feb07. [Wassup Superfriends (requires quicktime, a must-see)] plus bonus [Smug: Wassup Analysis]

2000feb07. Pixbarn.

Tohato Pancake Puffs: The great taste of pancakes with butter and syrup, now available in a puffed form. I didn’t get to eat these bad boys, but the smell from the bag is intoxicating. Not really a pancake-butter-syrup smell, more like a syrup/sugar-overload- with-a-vague-hint-of-pancake smell.

This is the package design section, however, and although this computer graphic file does not properly convey it, the picture of pancakes shown here is ultra-realistic. Perfect pancakes, a lot like the menu design for Waffle House.

2000feb08. Kaz: Shy Boy.

2000feb08. Burning Man 2000! BURNING MAN 2000! Line up, IPO winners and rich people! Line up for tickets! What? Tickets aren’t available right now? According to the website? Huh. That’s weird ... someone forwarded this message to me. So if you’re interested in not paying through the nose, maybe this is the way to go. Tell your friends. Forward it in email, like a chain letter. Light up those lines. See you on the playa! No, no I won’t.

The ticket situation for BM 2000 is pretty grim. Here’s the news:

TICKETS ARE NOW AVAILABLE

The Federal government has raised our fees 560%! This will drastically increase our costs. At the same time, we have decided not to sell tickets during the final three days of our event. This will significantly decrease our income. As a result, ticket prices will go up. Earlier this year, we offered special $200 tickets priced to defray the cost of selling bargain tickets to lower income participants. To date, we have sold 106. We thank those of you who have helped us.

We are now offering a limited number of bargain tickets. We will sell 2,000 tickets to our event for $95 and 4,000 tickets for $125. If these tickets sell out, we will return your check. If you are buying a ticket for $95, you may include an additional check for $30 to better ensure a purchase at our next highest rate ($95+ $30 = $125). If the $95 ticket has not sold out, we will return the extra check with your ticket confirmation.

All ticket orders must be postmarked NO LATER than March 3, 2000. After this date, we will return your check. This offer is limited to TWO TICKETS per person.

TO ORDER TICKETS

Make your check(s) payable to BURNING MAN
Mail your check(s) to:

BURNING MAN
P.O. Box 420572
San Francisco. CA 94142-0572

DO NOT send cash or money orders (US funds only). No credit card sales will be taken at this time.

You MUST include this information:
* Your name, full address, email address and telephone number (PRINT CLEARLY)
* The number of people in your party (maximum of 2 per purchase)

Ticket prices will gradually increase throughout the year. A schedule of rates will be published in our next newsletter and on the web site. These lower cost tickets are sold at a net loss to Burning Man. They are intended for those who cannot afford higher prices. If you need to buy a lower cost ticket, buy it now. If you can afford to and would like to pay more, please do.

If you wanna go, better jump with your checkbook.

Yep. Jump my little friends. Take a flying leap.

2000feb08. Morinaga cocoa commercial. Try the thirty-second commercial first. It’s not as wacked as the Glico ones, but still great fun. The whole family is in jammies on the beach? What? “Cocoa. Cocoa. Cocoa.”

2000feb08. The Onion: As You Can See From My Name-Brand Clothing, I Am Not Poor

2000feb08. Mail.

Do you know where I can get payment schedule 3c for the Burning man 2000 tickets? – SMC

From what I understand, “SMC,” you will receive payment coupons from an independent credit agency that are used for remitting monthly continuation assurance of Burning Man 2000 admission. Schedule 3C allows for a 45 day grace period from the date of your Burning Man admission continuation assurance, and is NOT retroactive, depending on line 17 of your Burning Man 2000 Admission Financial Profile, which you should have received in one of the first three Burning Man 2000 Payment Preparation Packets (herein referred to as “P3”). Schedule 3C itself was sent out as a wholly independent form in late December of 1999, before the second Burning Man 2000 P3 Discussion Sortie. Future Sorties will discuss the possibility of all Burning Man camps consisting of artist’s renditions of the actual camp, since no one will have any money left to create anything.

2000feb09. "Feast or Famine” cable television program. Drunk chefs arrive at your door and try to make a decent meal out of the crap in your kitchen with hilarious results.

2000feb09. SF Weekly: The Schmulowitz Collection of Wit and Humor at the San Francisco Public Library.

2000feb09. I kissed Al Roker. [via Molotov Jo]

2000feb12. Midi files, or sublime instruments of torture? (try the “WRKP” theme song at the bottom, for example)

2000feb15. Fawn Gehweiler interview [via Metascene]

2000feb15. Kooks be usin’ computers now.

2000feb16. Hey, it’s the Annual “Perhaps You Internet Abusers Should Go Meet Your Dysfunctional White Trash Neighbors” Article.

2000feb16. "Okay boys, the Simpson case is BACK open! CALL OUT THE DOGS!!!”

2000feb20. Whiskey Pete’s, Primm NV; Main Street Station (Las Vegas).

Casino win/loss: $+1.25.
Total win/loss: $-69.55.

Usually you can take a trip to Southern California and just breeze into any hotel/motel in any city and grab a room. Not on President’s Day Weekend. President’s Day used to be this homely little holiday that nobody knew what to do with, but now in today’s 24/7 workplace, people are scrabbling to grab every little bit of vacation time that they can. So imagine you were all geeked to stay in this little rinky-dink town, and they’re all booked up, and then you drive completely out of the way to Primm, and they’re all booked up, and you call ahead and find out Las Vegas (Las Vegas? Now you’re really going out of your way) is actually all booked up (they have one number for this), and Motel 6 says the only two rooms in Southern California are at the same motel you just came from, in all likelihood the same two rooms. You drove all day, now you’re going to drive all night to get back where you were? No. One of you finally, on the last try before either turning back or who knows what other desperate measure, gets ahold of a local family member who agrees to put you all up for the night. You are very lucky. That’s why you walk away from Whiskey Pete’s with an extra quarter in your pocket, and from Main Street Station with an extra dollar, after paying an appropriate vig to the two molls you bummed cash off of. Incidentally, I was down about six bucks, but I found a very strange clown-themed slot machine that repulsed me so much I had to play it ... and the clowns paid off. There’s a first time for everything.

2000feb22. Inconspicuous Consumption: Flambé Fanfare

2000feb22. Salon Travel: Pico Iyer

2000feb22. [Cardhouse] Dr. Berk’s Caption Contest winners

2000feb23. [Cardhouse] Casino standings updated

2000feb23. Rock out to HESSIAN LOVE

2000feb23. Cards as Weapons [via memepool]

2000feb23. Canadian Month CONTINUES! Andy’s Canada Q and A page. [via Metascene]

2000feb23. Mail.

How can you say that YOU have created the cardhouse song when all you did was copy words from another song? I think that you are an idiot.

This, obviously, is one of my most treasured letters ever.

2000feb23. Mail.

dear cardhouse
I JUST had to write to youse aft seeing that abosulutely thrillingly mindshifting nerve-racking awesomely boring set of photos on your website. Mind you I only viewed about two dozen but was so overwhelmed I had to take the time to sit down and write to you.
The captions are honestly very very creative far better than the photogenic selections. Am I missing something here ? ? or are the photos supposed to be boring in every aspect?
Happy hunting ... .
Tell The Finger [an unfortunately defunct website from which a portion of the found photos originated] to find some photos not out of focus..(oh I see thats his speciality..great)..have a great one ... keep on trucking ...

Yes, I’ve spent a lot of hours sorting through the much larger back stock of found photos to pick out the most boring ones. You’re clearly clueless, I don’t know why I’m bothering to reply. I am going to continue to truck, as well.

2000feb24. "Them Duke boys got a bigger flag than we do! Let’s git’im!”

2000feb24. Doggie Diner head removal protest this Saturday. Heh. “Head removal protest.”

2000feb25. Mail.

[some-probably-now-dead-dotcom-name].com would like to have a button or link placed on your web site. In return, we will place a link to your web site on the Orange County Web Mall link page.

The Orange County Web Mall? Contacting me? [choking back tears]

2000feb28. Mail.

hellooooo,
how r u? and i see ur pic ... and this is very nice pic ... and tell me , would u like to friendship with me..
and where do u live ?
reply asap.
bye

A love letter from Pakistan.

2000feb29. Jailbird Journal [via Illuminatrix]

2000feb29. Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed Cardhouse’s Second Annual Canadian Month as much as I have. I think I’ve learned a lot of things about Canadians, and a little bit about my self as well. My friend Tecopa Jane sent along this batch of Canadian links a few weeks ago, I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to check them out in time for everyone to enjoy them during Canadian Month. What?

Stompin’ Tom
Frank Magazine
Broken Pencil
Canoe