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Cardhouse
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2000dec01. Ebay: non-speaking MadTV walk-on auction up to $16,100. Sometimes I am really quiet and I don’t say anything about a particular link because there is nothing one can say. This is one of those times.

2000dec01. Here’s a nice list of all the StarLink-contaminated taco/chip products that were recalled.

2000dec01. The archives are now back online. They are all rested up and ready to delight the casual web consumer once again. If you have never been here before, this would be a good place to spend a few days. Perennial favorites include:

Children in Distress
The Pleasure Railroad
Three Arrested In Drunken Santa Spree
Cross-Country Burn
All About Candy Cigarettes

Also please be aware that the Deck O’ Junk feature is ailing and needs drastic repairs (a program that actually follows the PNG specification is needed – suggestions welcome). Your continued patience is appreciated.

2000dec01. FREE KEVIN’S I.D.

2000dec02. While watching those damned fountains at Bellagio, I noticed an older Japanese man wearing a nice hand-knitted cable sweater. A phrase was knitted into the back, in very large block letters:

YOU ARE TOTALLY SNAFUED
IT’S A “RECKKLESS” THINGS TO DO

2000dec02. The Public Sez: “Mr. Squishy ... actually written by David Foster Wallace?"

2000dec02. Mail.

Just wondering where you found the “Chainsaws and Toasters” slot machine. I’m planning on seeing Vegas soon, and I’d like to see it. Thanks.

- Paul

Originally I did not know. But now I do, and I have updated the Old Vegas page accordingly.

2000dec05. Brunching: Making A Sammich. Aside: do people still use Miracle Whip? Miracle Whip? Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip. I used to use the Miracle Whip. A long time ago. It was a frightening time in my life when there were several, if not all, brand names in my refrigerator. [shudders]

2000dec05. Why do people try to hurt me with their words? They pretend that they are being nice but then you can tell that they are trying to hurt you. It’s not a nice thing to do. That’s when I knife the fuckers.

2000dec05. Because I’m feeling all festive and shit, I thought I’d compile an extensive list of the things I like about this holiday season. Take your time reading through it.

Those larger non-blinking multi-colored lightbulb strings that no one uses anymore because they like those wussy tiny white lightbulb strings.

Also, don’t forget to reflect on what this holiday season means to you and your loved ones. Perhaps you haven’t purchased enough for them and yourself? I saw the family next door to you the other day, coming back from the mall with a BOATLOAD of presents. Food for thought.

2000dec05. Someone just wrote in asking what casino had the Chainsaws & Toasters slot machine. I don’t remember. Maybe one of our lucky readers can help out.

2000dec05. My Cat Stole My Pantyhose.

2000dec05. SF: Ding dong! Peoplehater show December 9th.

2000dec06. Postal Experiments [via Robot Wisdom]. I carried out a number of postal experiments during my college years, when others of my age were having cocaine-fueled sex. Two things that made it to their destination: a 78rpm record (mailed with message and postage placed directly on the record; received in a bag, smashed into at least a hundred pieces), and a standard ~three foot x four foot foamcore “postcard.” A friend of mine keeps threatening to send me a bowling ball, but he has not. That’s Cardhouse, Box [etc] CA [etc]. Send crap today!

2000dec06. Chin Tiki of Detroit. Also notable for use of the word “gooned.”

2000dec07. Old McSweeney’s Letters I Like The First One Letters.

2000dec07. Mail.

Hello. Surely you are aware, but on the long shot that you are not:

-There exists a double ‘all-about’ book.
-It is currently in hardcover.
-It is called: all about ‘all about eve.’

That will be all.
thank you and good day.
-adam

Yes. I knew. But I was angling to get an actual copy of the book to scan and then suddenly I didn’t feel like supporting the All About section anymore.

2000dec09. This is a special message for the guy using the cell phone during the Frank Black concert.

They can also be fitted internally.

Also, I haven’t been to a concert in awhile, it’s nice to see that people still think that singing along with the band is okay. At least it wasn’t as bad as the last Jazz Butcher show I went to – a guy behind me sang every fucking note of every fucking song. He was my best friend after the show. I told him so.

2000dec09. Mail.

Your site ROCKS sizzle chest! Fuck those loooosers who don’t know a good thing when they see it! They can all come kiss my ass there silly.

Yes, what you said. What did you say?

2000dec10. Pixbarn.

Manufacturered October 1993, no expiration date, purchased October 2000. Stunning design. FLEASEED HUSK!

2000dec10. Pixbarn.

This is one of three different types of packaging for the product that I’m assuming is called “Pop Pop.” I have no idea why there’s three different types, or if one/two of them are re-designs or bootlegs. It’s all-around confusion in the Pop Pop department..

You can BANG DROP it, or you can TROW it, among other options.

So here’s the “Horse Brand” Pop Pops, imploring you to SNAR IT! It’s copyright 1960, but the package itself is of fairly recent construction.

The manufacturer is listed (unlike the previous version) as China National Native Produce & Animal By-Products Import & Export Corporation. Betcha didn’t know horse hooves could be BANG DROPPED.

The third and most bizarre of the Pop Pop series. Did they run out of packaging, and had some twelve-year-old quickly draw up a new design?

2000dec11. Other People’s Mail is hosting this week’s Open Letters, oh my!

2000dec11. Pixbarn.

Yeah, I know, Indian Chef, Chinese product. Go figger. That must be some smaller game animal like Quail, but I like pretending the guy is a GIANT and he’s sprinkling curry powder over a turkey.

The explanatory text on the back ends thusly: “The whole dish is ready to be served: A WONDERFUL AND TASTY CURRY WILL BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE FEAST!”

Not this curry powder, though. I purchased it in July 2000 – “use before February 1992.” It has a more extensive product expiration section than most American products, indicating that the “period of conservation” is three years. Zo, given all of this, we can deduce that this curry was made in February of 1989. It was made in Hong Kong, and now you have figured out the whole Indian theme. VINTAGE PRE-HANDOFF HONGKONG CURRY POWDER LQQK!!! Quick! To the ebaymobile!

2000dec11. Pixbarn.

This was a limited-time Chocoball SYSTEM. To the right are the three flavors, and to the extreme right is one of the boxes underneath each of those – you’re supposed to open up each box in kind (see the diagram to the right?) to get at the Chocoballs, but we’re talking like a total of maybe 30 (tops) or so Chocoballs; it’s all about the packaging. On the left, the surprise – some sort of Chocoball stamp, either a continuous rolling one, or a simple stamped image. Collect all twelve!

2000dec12. Book of the Week a real corker

2000dec12. Iconographic Representation Of Children On Signs And The Macho Gender Machine Overdrive

2000dec12. I own too much stuff. It’s time to throw things out. I’ve decided to whittle my extensive holdings down to essential elements. One pair of nice shoes. One bike. One killer “little black dress.”

2000dec13. Cardhouse is listed under the topic “Fun Humor” on the website Quiz People, located in Denmark. I just wanted to point out the picture of the clown with the beach balls and to say that shit doesn’t fly here. There is nothing less funny than a clown except various viruses and diseases. Beach balls, not really funny, more like silly or happy. Thank you.

2000dec13. McSweeney’s: Neal Pollack’s 24-Hour Play [see also The 24-Hour Plays]

2000dec13. Cintra. The bloated car-wreck known as “Christmas.”

2000dec13. Sigma Derby 4000 is a gambling horse-racing machine with little tiny horses that race around a little tiny track. Like little magnetic/plastic horses. So okay, that’s pretty comical - I’ve played an even older version of Sigma Derby. In the upgraded version, Sigma Derby Mark VI, they’ve added five litle CCD cameras and a big-screen projection TV to track the little horses racing around the little track. I have GOT to see this.

2000dec13. Open Letters Other People’s Mail week continues with a mini-editorial (that’s three layers deep, now) from a former toy company customer service representative.

2000dec14. House of Cards by Mike Davis. An essay on Las Vegas’ environmental problems.

2000dec14. Interview with Mike Davis (1997)

2000dec14. [Cardhouse] Old Vegas: a woefully-incomplete location list of old slot machines and other related gambling devices. Mildly interesting to anyone planning to visit Nevada in the near future, totally irrelevant to all others. It’s SLOTS OF FUN!

2000dec14. Mail.

you sir, deserve a kiss. not from me, but perhaps a younger version of Morganna. i will send dispatches with alarming uncertainty when i locate such grand old devices. for the sake of reference, the Chariot racing game at Caeser’s in Vegas is actually not even on the casino floor, it has been relegated to the bastard stepchild location approximately 25 yards into the Forum Shops. those fools treat it as though it were some trite novelty. little do they know, all the action is at the track. ¡vivà the sport of kings!

- Wally

I have updated the page.

2000dec15. Emperor Norton. Backward.

2000dec15. Spanish Roadsigns which lead to many other good roadsign sites.

2000dec18. Action ... PARK! The water-fun park with the thrilling loop-de-loop water slide!

2000dec18. I am changing the battery in my car. The old one is dead. Dead dead. So I am putting in my new happy battery. The old (dead) one has splotches near the terminals and on the side – this may be the mysterious substance the mechanic placed on it to ensure continued contact with the cables, or it could mean my dead battery has been acting up and is lying in wait. There are several warnings on the top of each of the batteries; the one that catches my eye repeatedly as I turn bolts ends with “GET HELP FAST.” Yes, I’ll just quickly finish the job, jump into the car, then head to the hospital. Time to call a dishonest mechanic (oxymoron: collect them all) tomorrow.

2000dec19. Cat Bus ... Cat Bus ...

2000dec21. Melmoth on Bridges. Another Caffe Proust event I’m sorry I missed ... also continue through the article to read about the Santa Shootout.

2000dec21. Melmoth on Santasm NYC 1998

2000dec21. The original Cheap Suit Santas (1994)

2000dec21. Mail.

i’m from minnesota and it was damn cold today. i work as a server at a restaurant, and thought you might get a kick outta my table 61’s quote o’ the day:

“it’s colder than a warlock’s testicle in a brass jock strap.”

the only thing i could think of to say in reply was, ‘um, do you want some more diet coke, ma’am?’ ...

laters,
jewels

2000dec22. Here in sunny, stupid California, despite the dot-com fallout, we still have oodles of newly-minted dot-com millionaires who have little to no experience with big-money budgeting nor women. That’s where Dennis T. Thomas, Founder, SMC, comes in. According to an ad placed in the Bay Guardian, Dennis will ”take you to a world where everything you ever dreamed of in a woman comes true ... I personally take you to Europe first class & put you into the arms of a super babe! who will absolutely fufill every fantasy you ever thought of & a few you haven’t! I’ll be your personal coach, guide, protector, valet, counselor, and teacher. European Supermodel Tours start at 50k ... I specialize in really shy, computer geek types.”

A few notes. First, the website “requires” Internet Explorer – I can’t even see the site with Netscape or Opera (what is this, 1996?). Our geeky rich friend will be taken to Amsterdam, land of women-for-sale – I wonder if perhaps these are the “super babes” of which he speaks? Lastly, he’ll be your valet? What, can’t he spread a little of the 50k around? [special thanks to Half a Monkey]

2000dec22. SF Weekly: More Santa Shooting w/Nightcrawler

2000dec22. VanSantaCon 2000 – Vancouver’s Santarchy event.