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1999sep01. Mail.

My company is conducting a brief survey on behalf of our client, The Wall Street Journal, on the subject of student career planning. We are interested in including your audience in the survey and are prepared to pay for your involvement. We will also share the survey data collected from your audience with you and offer a reward to respondents for their participation.

Whom should I contact to discuss?

William L.

Will the rewards be pellet-shaped? Will they have to press levers or work pulleys to receive their pellets? I am hoping that shocks will be administered to those members of “my audience” that fail to answer your survey questions correctly. Is this true?

1999sep03. Mail.

Hello, I’m a producer with ZDTV’s “Internet Tonight.” We profile the best of the web and web culture. Could you answer a few questions about your site? Thanks.

1. Is your site mostly about lost photos, or are there other parts to it?

Other parts. Take a tour someday.

2. The lost pictures are pretty interesting. Why do you collect them?

I don’t answer questions that start with “why” anymore after learning that ”TV Guide” is the most popular periodical in the United States.

3. Why do you think people enjoy looking at stranger’s photos on the web?

Do they? Also, this is a “why” question (see previous answer).

4. How many pictures a day do you get from people?

At least 10,000. We have a team of about 100 people, mostly migrant workers trying to earn a little scratch “on the side” or “under the table,” who sort out the “really fucking funny” photos from the “Robin Williams-type funny” photos. They also receive food pellet bonuses at regular intervals.

5. What picture have you found which really stood out in your mind?

Parrot with pumpkin. I didn’t find it, someone else sent it in and the migrant workers processed the living hell out of it, bless their underpaid piecework hearts. I don’t remember which number it is, I’m currently half in the bag.

To find out more about our show, please visit our website at [assorted gurgling]

ZDTV is a 24 hour cable network dedicated to computers and the internet.

So are we! Step off, locals only! When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet ALL THE WAY, man!

Thanks for answering!

Frances H.
Segment Producer

I will take this opportunity to remind all of the media out there (the “media”) that I do not do interviews. I’m sure you care.

1999sep07. Mail.

Hello

Never used a message system like this, but I do remember automats. The best one I ever ate at was on, or actually off, the interstate near lake Erie,(visible from the highway), between the state capital in Albany and Toronto. We were on our way to Detroit to pick up a 1964 Pontiac Catalina convertible. I miss them very much, (the car too), and having once visited a McDonalds I miss them even more. As a futurist I wonder if you have any other thoughts concerning them and whether you think they may make a come-back? Let me know.

William York

[I can’t remember what I wrote back, but it was something about the increasing level of depersonalization in society and how something like an automat would be more accepted now]

1999sep08. Okay. We’re back. Yes. We are back.

1999sep08. Candy wrappers [via Fishstick]

1999sep08. Burning Man 1999 links

1999sep09. Hey, I was just at Burning Man, this sort of thing is boring.

1999sep09. (dead news link) Dive into the dead, dark heart of mainstream American comedy! Ho ho! The laughter ... is contagious!

1999sep10. Mail.

hey i love the site! i too just got back from burning man. i live in reno but am going to take off for southwest road tripping. whats slab city like? have you been there? keep in touch and give me your bman impressions from 99.
peace dan

oh i can get u a drano currency if u want. i was involved with them in 98’leave me a mailing address.

dan

We had a little blowout on our contact page, and for about a week we weren’t getting the email address. So I’ll leave my comments up here and hopefully you’ll run into them.

A small photo tour of Slab City is available at Deuce of Clubs. I have not been there.

1999sep10. "The mayor said the mosquitoes live in old water.” [via Julienne]

1999sep10. Bigrig Industries is FLUFFED OUT!

1999sep10. Good morning ... good morning ... wanna eat!

1999sep10. Curfew xCam Game! Patrol the streets for wayward teens! Round them up in your squad car and strip search the little shits! Everyone’s a winner in Sioux Falls! [via Windowseat]

1999sep10. Inconspicuous Consumption: Skee-Ball

1999sep10. (dead news link) "I ... I don’t know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of what a serious breach of security that would be? I mean ... he’ll see everything. He’ll see the big board!”

1999sep10. (dead news link) "I’ve always treated all of my pets as friends and family.’’ Why “guardian"? I don’t think that goes far enough. How about “human buddy"? ”Mister Paws is one crazy mother scratcher ... I’m glad I’m his human buddy, cleaning up after his shit, feeding him, teaching him how to vote for the least corrupt political official of each meaningless populace strata, and reminding him to get a fucking job and start bringing in some moola to pay for some of his goddamned spit-encrusted cat toys.”

1999sep10. Privacy: Levi’s now accepting your fingerprints in exchange for FUN! I was thinking of going to this store earlier because they also have a place where you can get all hippified by sitting in a tub with your new jeans, doin’ that shrink-to-fit thing. But now, with the additional fingerprint procedure, I’m going to have a big Idiot Watchin’ Festival in that there store!

1999sep11. Mail.

Great sense of life.!! I appreciate the ability to make me smile and laugh. *S*

fempsych

1999sep11. (dead news link) "Perhaps,” said Kermit during a break in filming, “these idiots can ask their own damned kids how to use the chip.”The frog then took a long draw on an unfiltered Marlboro.

1999sep11. "Oh geez ... you didn’t get the last page? That copy boy is FIRED, I tell you! I’m glad we got to the bottom of that!”

1999sep11. Name That Candybar [via Strange Brew]

1999sep11. Celebrity Outtakes ... don’t miss the Martin/Lewis one.

1999sep11. Asteroids. Sort of.

1999sep11. [Cardhouse Burning Man 1999 Fallout] Mazdalicious Update

1999sep12. (dead news link) The Class Of 2000. Extremely funny, but long enough to be annoying as well.

1999sep12. (dead news link) My First Please Beat Me Up Mobile.

1999sep13. STOP TAKING OFF YOUR PANTS IN PUBLIC / PURCHASE MULTIPLE COPIES OF THIS PROGRAM / JOIN A CULT / MAKE ME A SANDWICH / NO, I DON’T WANT TOMATOES

1999sep13. NA$A: “How can we get all that porn into space?"

1999sep13. McSweeney’s. Americans do everything to excess, even stupidity.

1999sep13. Brunching Shuttlecocks: Ratings o’ Enemies o’ Godzilla

1999sep13. Let’s all do an about-face on Generation X, that’ll sell some papers! The article I’ve chosen for your edutainment is an OLD CRONE (at 39) passing along all of her elderly wisdom to this brash, crazy flirty hot new up-n-coming generation. There are other articles to the side which you may also laugh at.

1999sep13. "First, a mouse ... okay, now do a cricket! Oh baby ... you know what I like ... “

1999sep13. Self-deprecating Sega Dreamcast ads that will never be shown in America.

1999sep13. Word Work: Army Psy-Ops guy luvs tellin’ the foreigners what to do over and over andover!

1999sep13. Wow. I hope CNN paid a huge amount of money for that amazing graphic ...

1999sep14. (dead news link) I don’t even know where to start with this one.

1999sep14. Readers Always Write!

I noticed you had an entry in your weblog today which said “Ewww. Uncute Sanrio grandmother character should commit ritual Seppuku.” I thought you might like to know that Seppuku is (or was) not allowed for women – ritualistic disembowlment is only for men. Women were, however, entitled to commit Jigai, which involves tying your ankles together then slitting your throat. The ankles were tied to make for easier corpse disposal. Cool, huh?

1999sep14. I overcooked my Lard Cuisine dinner in the microwave today. When you overcook in a microwave, it tends to burn one part of your meal rather badly – in this case, I was able to use this charred section as a handle for the rest of the two-course meal section (spaghetti and chicken). All food should have handles.

1999sep14. (dead news link) "Good comrade. You may stay with the accused until they are sent to jail. Perhaps you can learn more about their illegal ways, ehhh? I have a trunk filled with ‘Sailor Moon’ and ‘Barbie’ merchandise, if you follow me, comrade ... “

1999sep14. YOU ARE GOD! [via Fark]

1999sep14. This Miss America thing keeps getting funnier.

1999sep14. (dead news link) "If you come and work for us, you will be earning BIG AMERICAN DOLLARS ... the reason that Americans are not working here is because we are paying SO MUCH that it SCARES them ... they are cash pussies, not like you, my little foreign nationals ... “

1999sep14. My eyeball hurts.

1999sep14. A brief mention of Toilet Duck.

1999sep14. Ewww. Uncute Sanrio grandmother character should commit ritual Seppuku.

1999sep14.

Moonbase Alpha was blown out of Earth orbit on September 13, 1999!!! SHit!!!!!

-- Jack

1999sep15. Ebay: Super Mog Mog!

1999sep15. Ebay: How many SUPER MOGMOG slot machines does this freakin’ guy have, anyway?

1999sep15. Privacy: This is only for emergencies. We only need to know where you are for your own safety. We are not tracking you. Do not approach that building, sir. Get back in your little Ford Escort, and go shopping or something. We are not tracking you.

1999sep15. Police pants! Sentry TM Plus! WALKING TALL!

1999sep15. (dead news link) Education wire: Child punished for wearing wrong football jersey to school; principal claims “it was all in fun.” That’s life learning, there.

1999sep15. I use my pen to open pistachio shells.

1999sep15. (dead news link) Miss America scandal continues. Can you imagine the hysteria that would be created if one or more of the contestants had had an abortion? Or went through a divorce? God, I’d turn off the TV right then and never look back at all of those delicious, delicious gams.

1999sep16. (dead news link) I am thinking about vacationing in Atlantic City. Do you recommend it?

1999sep16. My eyeball is “okay” now. Thanks for all of your cards and letters.

1999sep16. Awww yeah ... Chux inna da house with the detourned media terrorism ...

1999sep16. Stop picking on science. Science is always good. There is nothing bad about science, ever. Science.

1999sep16. "We are looking for the rest of the universe in very secretive places – old mines, hidey-holes, between walls, etc., places where people may have squirreled away bits of it here and there.”

1999sep16. (dead news link) I had a friend who had a mild form of amnesia after being socked in the jaw. “Remember that five bucks you owe me?” I always make sure to grab ahold of every opportunity that comes my way.

1999sep16. Cintra.

1999sep16. Acoustical archaeology: ancient chirping Mayan temples

1999sep16. Burning Man: It’s the “Say Something Interesting Guy"! Audio-only recording at Burning Man is a great idea, it cuts through the “look at me” bullshit ...

1999sep17. I have been reading a lot on the internet recently, and there is quite a lot of wisdom being imparted to the unwashed masses. So perhaps it is time for me to pass along what I have learned over my long, long, way too long life. This will only take a second. Here it comes now.

pepper rings and pineapple

That’s pretty much it. I have coerced people to try this pizza topping in the past – these people called me “crazy,” ”insane,” and “clinically psychotic” for suggesting such a ridiculous, sure-to-fail flavor combination.

But then they tried it, bless their collective little lumpy hearts. And these people are sold for life, baby.

Now let me make a side note here and say that the “pepper rings” I have referred to are not the large rings of the common green pepper, not the half-inch rings of the jalapeno pepper, but the (roughly) one-inch rings of the light green “banana pepper,” the “pepperocini,” etc, etc. I’ve heard too many terms for this little guy, and you’ll probably be better off just bringing one to your local pizza joint and/or restaurant and pointing to it/offering it as the very topping you are attempting to describe.

That’s it! I hope you’ve enjoyed my wisdom. I used to know a lot about math as well, but the coke wiped THAT out in a hurry.

1999sep17. [Cardhouse Burning Man Fallout] A Disgruntled Postal Worker requisitions a Big Wheel during break (photo missing). This is obviously the first day we went out, because of the gun stock in the upper right and the armed gentleman in back. After that first day, the Sheriff decided that this years-old tradition of bringing actual (unloaded) weapons out during our deliveries was dangerous - a Postal Worker could point it at someone who actually had a weapon! Even though everyone was briefed about weapon conduct every single day ... Anyway, the next day we loaded up on baseball bats, poolsticks, and golf clubs. No brandishing rules about poolsticks.

1999sep17. (dead news link) I was hoping that we would discover that the amnesia victim was a tough, gritty, confident, strong, archetypal super-woman sexy lethally-trained action-packed professional government assassin.

1999sep17. More wisdom! I forgot about this one. So I have two bits of wisdom. Okay. There are apparently casinos in 47 of the 50 states that comprise our United Security Agency. So my suggestion to you, when you have large amounts of change that you need to exchange for actual papery bills, is to take it to a casino. I’ve laundered about $250 through various casinos in the last year and it costs you nothing, unlike those change machines that charge 8% or so. Don’t forget to pour all of the money into a casino cup first. Also, I am saying this from experience: remove all pennies and marbles from your stash before presenting it to the teller.

1999sep17. Tech Corner! Yes, after owning my PC a little over two years, I’ve finally had my first big Microsoft Crisis. Microsoft Outlook freaked out and trashed my outlook.pst file – the archive.pst file is also corrupt. I fixed both of them with the extremely terse Inbox Repair Tool, but now there are huge wads of mail messages that are missing out of multiple folders. Backup? That’s a separate problem. Anyway, if someone knows of some way of recovering this stuff, a PST analyzer/editor or some such (I am getting the distinct impression that Inbox Repair Tool is happily ignoring megs of “corrupt” data without even bothering to half-repair it), I would be most obliged.

1999sep17. The Future Of Television. Imagine being able to see “Mama’s Family” from hundreds of camera angles instantaneously! It seems like this would be the only way to do multiple camera-angles on the fly, unlike that arrayed one-shot camera device used in The Matrix and all of those television ads ... “he’s at the 30 ... the 20 ... uh-oh, it looks like he just inhaled about a hundred cameras from a downfield swarm ... I think Bayer is going to pick up the internal feed as we go to commercial.”

1999sep17. Packaging at Melty. There’s something extremely lovely about Goya’s logo. [via saturn.org]

1999sep18. The It’s The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog Scene apparently appears in a subscriber-only “Internet insert” of Entertainment Weekly that features The Backstreet Boys on the cover, because teenagers OWN AMERICA. That was my last (mercifully short) media interaction/interview. I am using this space to officially announce that I am now openly media-hostile. Try me. Bring it on. Texas.

1999sep18. (dead news link) Here’s a delightful upbeat news story that makes me physically nauseous.

1999sep18. A Disney corporate official makes the dreams of an FBI agen – I mean, 13-year-old girl – come true ...

1999sep19. Mail.

just noticed the World Power Systems link in the weblog. neat stuff. but did you notice who makes it? Tom Jennings! the Tom Jennings! Tom “FidoNet” Jennings! that is cool. that is very cool.

Yeah, we found his URL on a certain phone booth the first time we visited it. Funny, it seems so long ago. If I could turn back time. If I could find a way.

1999sep19. Privacy: Well, you know, just for honeybees. That’s all. We’re just going to put this in the charter, here ... only health officers. We’re just trying to protect you from yourselves.

1999sep19. Splash Mountain performance art [via Flash Mountain]

1999sep19. World Power Systems products, including a dreamy Model 11 Nixie clock.

1999sep19. (dead news link) It doesn’t really matter that you voted, or even if the referendum passed, it’s out of your hands now, everything is out of your hands. But sure, you can see the pretend results. No problem.

1999sep20. Mail.

Mark:

I tried your pepper ring and pineapple pizza [mentioned in the weblog as a tasty pizza topping combo]. Not bad.

All I ask in return is that you try my peanut butter and (lots of fresh) cilantro sandwich.

I will do this as soon as I can! I promise ya!

1999sep20. (dead news link) It’s called a killer whale. Killer. It kills things.

1999sep20. This is a news story culled from Reuter’s “Oddly Enough” wire.

1999sep20. XUXA wire: “I was never a drinker nor a smoker and I’ve never done drugs. I’ve never been involved in prostitution either. I am also no longer a porn star. Follow me, proles, to victory!”

1999sep20. Brunching Shuttlecocks: Breakfast cereal ratings. Okay, these crazy kids have been daily for some time now, so I think it’s high time we all show a little respect by clicking on their ads over and over again until we are dizzy from all the clicking. Click I say! Also say ”oooh” and also “ahhh” when you’re looking at the ads. Purchase their products, give them demographic information, date members of their staff, walk their doggies, etc.

1999sep20. Straight Dope message board topic: McDonald’s. You’ll have to dig for the good stuff. “Another odd thing you’ll find if you look at old McDonaldland art is that Grimace used to have four arms instead of two. Did someone hack them off in the middle of the night?”

1999sep21. South Park slot machines. I’d love to see some old biddy on one of these things. “They killed Kenny! They killed Kenny! They killed Kenny!”

1999sep21. Merhan Watch! He can leave the airport after living there for eleven years ... but now he won’t go! So crazy! [via Julienne]

1999sep21. [Deuce of Clubs] Strange Foreign Objet d’Feces

1999sep21. Stupid bird’s done got eggs glued to its neck.

1999sep21. (dead news link) Trenchcoats – out! Caving into vague similarities – in! Healing – in!

1999sep21. (dead news link) I passed by this stupid Nebraskan bridge monument in June. Nebraska – out!

1999sep21. Disgruntled Toronto artists stage “Outsider Art” prank [via Britain]

1999sep22. (dead news link) "An electronic maze of pornography.” Sounds kind of enticing, really.

1999sep23. (dead news link) Recent molasses disaster ... earlier molasses disaster.

1999sep23. Stereolab interview

1999sep23. (dead news link) "Here we go, we’re going on a big adventure! WeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeee ... uhhhh ... weeee? Wee?"

1999sep23. (dead news link) "Um, I was just talking about a PHANTOM newscaster lady. Not Diane Sawyer. Certainly not her. Diane rocks.”

1999sep23. (dead news link) You know, if someone blows up Mount Rushmore, I think the American people ought to bake that Terrorist Guy or Gal a cake (without nuts in it). Mount Rushmore is ugly. The only thing that’s good about Mount Rushmore is that the viewing platform for Mount Rushmore is mercifully extremely far away.

1999sep23. (dead news link) "It is illegal to launder money. If you have some money, and you want to move it around without everyone knowing about it, that is illegal. We have declared money laundering to be a hate crime.”

1999sep23. (dead news link) "I ... I don’t know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of what a serious breach of security that would be? I mean ... he’ll see everything. He’ll see the big board!”

1999sep23. Inconspicuous Consumption: The Swing-A-Way Hand-Held Can Opener, Model #407. There’s one in my kitchen, it rocks. Vaguely related: Does anyone make stainless steel nail clippers? Damn things are always getting wet and rusty. Rusty!

1999sep23. Jerry Brown: FOR illegal car seizures! You want to buy back your car from the police even if you’re innocent, right?

1999sep24. I have a baseball bat. I bought it for three dollars at a thrift store. I can let it go for five? Okay, four fifty.

1999sep24. Shopping cart abuse. “This abuse is obviously a cry for help from a sexually frustrated midget.”

1999sep24. Roadside Art Online: Vistas

1999sep24. Ghost town: Rhyolite NV. [via Illuminatrix]

1999sep24. Mindspring’s founder on EgoTrip:1999 ...

“Five years ago, Charles and I were among the few visionaries who saw the potential in the Internet to redefine the way people communicate.”

Earthlink’s CEO can’t stop vomiting up corpspeak ...

“By leveraging the synergies between our operations, marketing channels, and member service philosophies, we will have built a solid platform to service our current members and, at the same time, accelerate our aggressive growth strategy.”

Can you even begin to comprehend the orgiastic delight users will experience as these two futuristic services combine into one gigantic megawesome ISP of unheard-of greatness? (head explodes) [via Deuce Of Clubs]

1999sep24. I hate Perl. I hate advertising. But I did score “five” out of “six” on the Brunching Shuttlecocks Perl-coded ad slogans quiz.

1999sep27. The Hidden Persuaders 1999: They’re back. They want your mind. They want to sell you soap. [via someone or other]

1999sep27. Evan Dorkin/Sarah Dyer update!

1999sep27. (dead news link) Oops! Headline problem.

1999sep27. Robot idea! [via Marginal Hit Parade]

1999sep27. Hugh Downs leaves 20/20 with a comment about US drug policy

1999sep27. Stay Free – marketing headlines

1999sep27. The Matrix kung-fu scene & “Kung Fu Fighting” song synchronized? I am doubting it with my brain.

1999sep27. Privacy: A look at the Swedish personnummer. I wonder why they don’t allow such things in Germany ... [via Haddock]

1999sep27. Work it ... work it ... now the corpus callosum ... mmmmm ...

1999sep28. Mail.

I am having a problem with your site. It is too funny. I should be working right now instead of typing this shit.

Mark M.

Whoooooooooooooooaaaaaaaa boy I keep trying to tell you people ... THIS IS AN OFFICIAL HOUSE ORGAN OF YOUR CORPORATION’S OUTREACH DEPARTMENT. READING IS MANDATORY.

Heh, heh, “house organ.”

Now be quiet about “having to work.” It makes us retch. I can’t believe you’re torturing yourself after typing THREE SENTENCES on company time. You’re probably one of those young go get’em tech guys working 13 hours a day and getting paid for eight, work on weekends, go go go! If you don’t do it, the company will collapse! Keep believing that, it’s exactly what they want. Maybe they’ll set up bunkbeds, a kitchen, or a pinball machine for you so you can stay longer and longer. Eventually everyone will live at work. Who needs to telecommute when you never go home?

1999sep28. Mail.

Any items you get send me what ever you would like to get my opinion on.

Uhhh ... okay! Too bad the form screwed up and lost your email address! This is too bad! Think of all that free stuff you could have gotten! We were going to review the new Honda Civic super-gas mileage car – we had it all crated up to send to you, but couldn’t contact you! Back to the dealer for you, Mr. or Ms. Honda Civic!

1999sep28. Work it ... work it ... now the shaved chocolate swirls ... mmmmm ...

1999sep28. Kidtrack.

1999sep28. KidTrak. Along with SeniorTrak, ExecuTrak, and PetTrak. Featuring Geoffrey Holder, star of the silver screen. The Uncola Man. “Hah, hah, hah, haaaaaa! { THE COLA NUT! }.”I never knew multi-level marketing could be so exciting!

1999sep28. Genetically-modified crops: Lower yield! Lower profit! Banned from Japan and EU! Come on down!

1999sep28. The Return of the Hidden Persuaders (part 2). “The bun becomes the oral gratification that entices the entire family, perhaps through its smell. So now the family unites.” Hoo-hoo!

1999sep29. Florida police issuing citations to teenagers for smoking. Get three, and you cannot get a driver’s license. (Side note: gettingit.com horrendous url – check it out!)

1999sep29. Cintra.

1999sep29. Interview with the creator of Space Moose

1999sep29. (dead news link) (dead news link) "ZoooOOOOOM!!!! Fast, eh? Sleek, you bet. (push this lever here) MONORAIL!”

1999sep29. Dysfunctional Family Circus winding down.

1999sep29. Infectious Neckties.

1999sep30. A Pokey the Penguin video computer game! YES! [via Apathy]

1999sep30. Shepard’s Tones, infinitely ascending scale/tone. Didn’t know there was a name for it. This may be what Beatsystem is doing with “Endlessly Downward” on Em:T’s Explorer compilation. I do not know. I am not a musipharmacist!

1999sep30. Grudge Match To The Death: Sentences You Thought You’d Never Hear vs Phrases Taken Out Of Context