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1999oct01. Mail.

amy joy donuts .com is in it’s infant stage and will be progressing soon so please keep checking for new stuff and any feed back would be great on improving a donut site. it is tuogh to try and sell donuts over the web due to shipping and freshness. people in the area’s of amy joy’s can print out a coupon for discounts ... thanks hope to hear from you

I don’t update the Donuts page.

1999oct01. "I’m handicapped ... he’s handicapped ... we’re all handicapped! Nineteen, nineteen, twenty-two ... HIKE!”

1999oct01. Keith Knight: Pinball machines.

1999oct01. Privacy: Oh boy, I’d love to get rid of my [holding up wallet] wallet! Where do I sign? Morons.

1999oct01. Controversial, sensual boycott of Unilever products by DRUDGE RETORT

1999oct01. "We wanna be commodified! Us too!!”

1999oct01. Mail.

Please excuse the lack of explanatory my swollen bowles scream ”lavatory!!”

But heres something you should know:

What They Don’t Want You to Know

In order to understand inevitable sweat loss you need to realize that everything is controlled by a subsiduary of Robinsons Juices Ltd, made up of contented pastry bakers with help from The Union of Reduced Halal Butchers.

The conspiracy first started during The arrival of pay-per-view-television in your mum’s favorite chair. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including The premiere of Brando’s shaven head.

Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by Thumb-biting.

They want to purposefully cause an observable chinese burn on the arm of John Hume and imprison resisters in the venue holding the A.G.M. for the conglomerate of softly-spoken Haberdashers using bird-like flight.

In order to prepare for this, we all must stand up swiftly. Since the media is controlled by Nice Kevin Spacey we should get our information from The League of the Ham-faced Pope John.

I think this explains a lot about ... society?

1999oct01. Mail.

Regarding those Haw Flakes:

I can’t remember the first time I had Haw Flakes (probably a childhood thing). Yesterday, while at a Vietnamese grocery store I saw dozens of Haw Flake packs sitting on the shelf. I hadn’t had them in awhile and forgot they existed (how sad)! I bought a couple, vaguely recalling how there was a time I was addicted to them. How could I forget how wonderful these things are?

Well, after eating a few “packets” I realized I still didn’t know what Haw was. So, I decided to look for it on the internet. I thought I’d find nothing. Instead I find this site and see pictures of the wrapper and yummy discs right before my eyes. And I found out what Haw actually was!

Anyway, I got a kick out of this site. Imagine being able to find out about Haw Flakes on the internet. Next time you’re in an Asian grocery store look for some Flute Cookies. My childhood wouldn’t have been complete without them. And if you love chocolate a box of Flute Cookies will do the trick.


1999oct01. Mail.

It has been some time since I saw candy cigarettes. I remember them having paper wrapped around the candy, and a bit of talc or some other white dust so that you could blow out a few puffs of white ”smoke,” thus convincing old people that you might indeed be smoking. Does anything like this still exist? Did it ever?

Yes, at one time the cigarettes were coated with this smoke-producing material (flour? powdered sugar?). Now, just about the only way you can duplicate this effect in the United States is with the bubble-gum variants from World Candies. And I don’t think there’s really enough of the powder to get a good cloud going. Wait, I’ve got an unopened pack of “Round Up” here. No, I am incorrect. So I guess the answer to your first question is “no".

1999oct01. Tiki crap.

1999oct01. Ooooh, pretty [from the referrer logs]

1999oct01. An airline commercial parody. [via Yuppie Slayer]

1999oct01. What IF ...

1999oct01. Print Club Pro! Take pictures of your friends, then print out stickers! From the same freaking camera! Are you following me here? [via Mr. Pants]

1999oct03. Mail.

Yes, but the CNN graphic story is all tosh anyway, any fule kno that it was the one and only great George Jones who drove his lawnmower to the liquor store; this man is a mere acolyte ...

- Phil


Dear Cardhouse,

I have been developing a web site for a friend of mine on the tiniest of shoestring budgets for about a month now in my spare time. The domain I am referring to is http://www.amyjoydonuts.com You made mention of the amyjoy site on one of your review pages which I came across in a search. Your page. I was wondering if you would be so kind as to update your review as we have made great strides with the site. Any additional comments suggestions and criticisms would come greatly appreciated. Thanks again for mentioning our site and I will look forward to reading your latest comments. Thanks

Kevin Rochford

I still don’t update the Donuts page. Perhaps I will do it for free donuts. Others have been given the opportunity to tithe me donuts, but they have failed.

1999oct04. (dead news link) (dead news link) Article about the section of I-880 that collapsed in 1989. Maybe they’ll update the freeway signs in the next decade or so.

1999oct04. Gandhi 101 [via Deuce of Clubs]

1999oct04. Bigrig Industries: Goat Pulling Child photos.

1999oct04. (dead news link) (dead news link) Policemen with beards okay ONLY if you’re Muslim, sez Supreme Court. Otherwise, it’s Cop Mustaches for the lot of you!

1999oct04. Library of Congress National Film Preservation Board film list.

1999oct04. Stand next to Matt Le Blanc if you want to get some. Obviously.

1999oct04. [SF] Owner of Rocket Records killed

1999oct04. An article in Salon points out the growing disparity between the rich and the poor, and then on the next page there’s an ad for a monogrammed nickel-plated yo-yo.

1999oct05. Better listing of Library of Congress National Film Registry (w/links) [via Bird On A Wire]

1999oct05. Le Dopant Droit: L’explication de la fascination française avec Jerry Lewis. HÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ DAAAAME!

1999oct05. Survival Research Laboratories: Pitching Machine. Soon controllable via internet? (drool) [via Dr Cliff]

1999oct05. The Onion: Earthquake Safety Tips

1999oct06. DAMMIT ALL! Everyone drop whatever the hell you’re doing and FIND ... THESE ... PETS!

1999oct06. I want a PET POSSE MEMBER medal, and I don’t care who I have to fuck to get it.

1999oct06. Crazy Critters! [via Mr. PantsPantsPants]

1999oct06. Ruh-roh! Fox News is now doing pop-up ads ... bye-bye, Fox!

1999oct06. San Francisco is the best city to call home in the United States! I guess ”feasibility” wasn’t one of the qualifiers.

1999oct06. Get a job, you pikers ... YOU GAVE $0.00 [via Fark]

1999oct06. I know I’ve pointed this out before, but whenever I’m feeling a little down, a little like reaching for the noose, some pills, or an AK-47, I jes’ load up this page and all my troubles seem to float away ... today is a good day for clapping.

1999oct06. Ham-handed Customs bullshit: Operation Smoke Signal

1999oct07. My video card is slowly degrading. There’s one horizontal line of red dots that blink on and off randomly. Sometimes it leaves a vertical trail of light blue streaks on anything white, like the end of a cash register tape. It’s neat.

1999oct07. McSweeney’s: The Subcomandante Rides At Dawn, Part 3. “Fine, the lake said. That is your choice under the Mexican constitution. But be warned. When you come back, Germans will own businesses and things will be a lot more expensive. Also, I will be full of soap.” (Part 1 ... 2 ... 3)

1999oct07. "Hello? Yeah, I’m just filling up the car right now and---” SKABOOOOOOM!!! The "cell phone gas station explosion urban legend" continues to spread.

1999oct07. Peoplehater: Cell show (earlier this year)

1999oct07. Powerbead users! Line up for your beating! (I have NO idea why a picture of Calvin Klein’s spring line accompanies this – maybe it’s part of a larger ”bullshit culture” newsfeed folder)

1999oct07. More cell phone fireball hysteria

1999oct07. There is a milk-based product on the market called Milk Chug, but Dean Foods hasn’t done anything with the domain, milkchug.com. I’ll take what I can get today. There’s something unsettling about that name. “Milk Chug.”Milk chug. Milk chug. (shivering)

1999oct07. Cardhouse Travel Advisory Still In Effect: continue avoiding Florida like the mother-scratching plague.

1999oct07. How To Deconstruct Anything [via Suck [via rc3.org]]

1999oct08. Waffle House songs. From what I remember, Mary Welch Rogers actually owns the company – if you’re the CEO, you can sing about the company all you want! [via St. Vincent]

1999oct08. Peanut Buttered Roast Squid.

1999oct09. Marginal Hit Parade: Joe Recommends

1999oct10. [Dr Cliff] The Sad, Touching Story Of Cletus The Bug

1999oct10. Hell On Earth roleplaying game.

1999oct10. Morbid Fact Of The Day

1999oct10. The Web Police? Run by the United Nations of the Internet? Instead of actually calling the police, let’s add another level of bureaucracy to report a crime. I thought voter registration was really voter registration, but it turns out it’s for voting on “all issues concerning your free use of the internet.” Don’t forget to donate money (at the bottom)!

1999oct10. "Mmmmm, with my new Face-Eez®, I will eventually have a face that ... ummm, I’m not exactly sure what this thing will do, but it’s worth every penny!” [via The View From Here]

1999oct11. Mail.

My boyfriend has your name.

Tell him to GIVE IT BACK. Wait ... which one of us? Which name? This could be interesting.

1999oct11. Even Chinks Love McDonald’s

1999oct11. [Dr. Cliff] The Roadkill Series

1999oct11. I do not have any nostalgic waxings concerning the Burger Chef corporation.

1999oct11. Lurid Paperback of the Week

1999oct11. Evolutionary Control Committee at Burning Man ... I did not get to see the pants costume, I am kicking myself in my own smaller pants.

1999oct12. Out-of-focus Llama Cam. It’s what we’re all about here at the It’s The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog Scene – bringing you the LINKS that CLINK or something.

1999oct12. S. S. Adams Co, manufacturers of fine quality products.

1999oct12. Kite Aerial Photography which includes a low-cost ice trigger. [via Joe]

1999oct12. More kite photography.

1999oct12. Atlantic Burning Man

1999oct12. Transit Chairs [via Lo]

1999oct12. Outphoto 3. Japanese randomly-submitted photo magazine. [via Hoopla]

1999oct13. The Yellow Appliance Program [via St. Vincent]

1999oct13. McSweeney’s: The Newest From Jokeland.

1999oct13. Hillary Clinton’s Pen Pal: a book on prison survival by the editor/publisher of Maledicta.

1999oct13. "Houston? We are GO for primary panda launch.” “Roger that.” [via Looka]

1999oct13. The New Detective.

1999oct14. Snacks. The zine of missing pet posters. Your participation is welcome.

1999oct14. Ammonite Project – Burning Man 1997.

1999oct14. ARGGGGHHH!!! The Pancakes Across America website is GONE!!!! ARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HATE HATE HATE (2006: new link)

1999oct14. Glubco: Selling Alaska on Ebay.

1999oct14. Miscellaneous quotes.

1999oct14. The guy who did Pancakes Across America still has this site up. But it is not Pancakes Across America.

1999oct14. Brilliant costumes for your pet. [via metascene] Pets shouldn’t wear costumes that emulate people. They should wear costumes that emulate transportation.

1999oct14. Current Farnsworth Fusor research.

1999oct15. Mail.

You seem to have been very cranky when you wrote the FAQ. Perhaps you should have called it FAQYWYNA (Frequently Asked Questions You Wish You Never Asked)?

- saputo

It used to be “Fucking Asinine Questions,” so you see I’ve “toned it down” a bit.

1999oct15. Molotov Organization summary article.

1999oct15. "We have the intruders on radar.” “FIRE!” (HONNNNK!!!)

1999oct15. Tom Green interview.

1999oct15. Privacy: Social Security Numbers workin’ the magic [via Fark]

1999oct15. Tie-Tanic The Movie [via My Boot Movie Theater]

1999oct15. I-695 is a Washington state public ballot initiative to replace the state’s vehicle license tax with a flat fee of $30. That’s about how much the flat fee is in Michigan, for example, but here in sunny California, I had to pay around $400 to get plates and a title transfer for my ten-year-old car. Okay, I was a little late going to the DMV, I have a little problem with authority if you haven’t already figured that out. Not four hundred dollars late, however. I’m not sure I understand why Californians have no problem turning over a large wad of cash and their thumbprint to the DMV. I will try to understand.

1999oct16. 7.0 in the desert.

1999oct17. Yes ... yes ... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES! The outrageous California “Smog Impact Fee” ($300) has apparently just been declared unconstitutional, but the hell if California is going to tell you about it ... If you paid a Smog Impact Fee, you are apparently entitled a refund plus interest ... I haven’t seen any other information on this, but it looks legit. I’m going to scout around for the ruling before I send a letter ... [via Pounce]

1999oct17. More on California Smog Impact Fee and License Fee

1999oct17. Smog Impact Fee article (1998)

1999oct17. [Cardhouse] Reader mail ... updated!

1999oct18. Straight Dope: Strange, antique petroleum-based analog music product.

1999oct18. I was searching for “casino explosion” and I came across this entertaining article by a veterinarian. If you are about to go to lunch, or have just had lunch, or have a weak stomach, or are of delicate constitution, or just a wimp, you might be better off not reading it. I was hoping to find more out about a certain casino in Lake Tahoe that was blown up when they wouldn’t pay an extremely large ransom to an unknown party. It wasn’t like they couldn’t do anything about it – the terrorist(s) indicated that the casino would be blown up on a certain date and time. They didn’t pay, couldn’t find any explosives, but wisely evacuated the place. This was about twenty years ago. Of course it was Mr. Brody of Bigrig Industries who told me about this. It’s not that I don’t believe him, I just would like to read about it. I like to read about explosions.

1999oct18. I asked Dr. Scott if the science behind this article about building a tactical nuke with smoke detectors was feasible.


Americium, in gram quantities, emits potentially harmful amounts of gamma rays. This guy was talking about collecting a kilogram.

One gram of Americium can be used to make more than 5000 smoke detectors. Thus, you’d need 5000*1000 = 5,000,000 smoke detectors to get to what he considers ”critical mass".

Only several kilograms of Americium are produced each year.

I’ve only read of three materials which can, for various reasons, be used in a fission bomb. U-233, U-235, and Pu-239. These are the “easy” ones. Assuming that you can even get Americium to participate in a fission chain reaction (and I’m very skeptical about that), you’d probably need at least as much Am as you would U or Pu – and the critical mass for those elements is >10 kilograms. So, you’d need at least ten times the amount he was talking about. Now, we’re up to 50,000,000 smoke detectors.

The formula he gives, and its ”meaning” are completely bogus, as far as I can tell. And unless you explain what the variables are, the formula is useless anyway.

1999oct19. This link will last only today. Apparently the co-founder of Flooz, another REALLY AWESOME E-COMMERCE FRIENDS AND FAMILY WEB SITE, said that new Flooz stock owner (?) Whoopi Goldberg is a lot like Flooz because “We’re both irreverent, hip and fun but also trusted and respectable brands.” I’m going to be nauseous.

1999oct19. More mail!

OK, so you can’t build a fission weapon with old smoke detectors.

But what you *can* do is attempt to build a breeder reactor with them.

You probably won’t succeed, but you can turn your mom’s garden shed into a Superfund waste cleanup site.

You can do all of this in (wait for it)

Commerce Township, Michigan.

The hilarous story is in

“The Radioactive Boy Scout: When a Teenager Attempts to Build a Breeder Reactor,” by Ken Silverstein. Harper’s Magazine, November 1998, p. 59

Harper’s does not have on-line content. The bastards.

Woo-hoo! Here’s an abstracted version the story, evidently published in Reader’s Digest (the original is much (much!) longer and better).

Highly recommended.

-Steve [similarly: Mita]

1999oct19. "Duh duh dah, duh dah dah ... TRIBUTARY!”

1999oct19. McSweeney’s: Interviews.

1999oct19. Noted only for this: “Impeach Clinton: 12 Galaxies Guiltified to a Technitronic Rocket Society!”

1999oct20. Hey kids! LEGO machine gun! [via Yuppie Slayer]

1999oct20. Sandor 21. I just picked up Coyle & Sharpe’s “On The Loose,” a selection of tracks from the two prank comedy interview albums released in the early 1960’s. Because this re-release appears on Henry Rollins’ 213CD record label, the ”related artists” field suggests that I might be interested in the musical groups “Tool” and “Iggy Pop,” among others.

1999oct20. Tents once used by George Washington are deteriorating! They’re DETERIORATING!!! Please give generously so that future generations may gaze upon non-deteriorated tents once used by George Washington. “If you look over here, you’ll see tents once used by George Washington. They are deteriorating.”

1999oct21. In your FACE, Blair Witch Project! IN YOUR FACE!

1999oct21. Oh man ... from the referral logs ... this is what someone used as a search criterion today to get THIS VERY PAGE:


I have heard that there are hot pictures, of these sexy women, on other sites. They are also doing sexy things. I cannot confirm this rumor at this time.

1999oct21. [Cardhouse] The opening salvo of the Candy Cigarette Megaland Page O’ Value Or Something

1999oct21. Mousetrap cars. What?

1999oct21. This here site will be up and down all day. Go play in traffic or something.

1999oct21. Institute of Official Cheer: old anti-irony ads.

1999oct22. The Real Hamburgler. “Hamburger profits” is a good phrase. I will start using that around town.

1999oct22. I wanted to back a page while browsing just a second ago, so I hit “ctrl-z.” There is no “undo” in a browser. And why, if I’m caching pages, does it just not display all of these pages without hitting the network to see if there are updates to the page? Eh, it’s probably an option I never clicked on. Computers.

1999oct22. Apocalypse III: This Time We Really Mean It. “ ... exciting, high quality prophecy movies ... ” Gary Busey! Howie Mandel! “It will be released to theaters in March 2000.” So, umm, the Second Coming will have to wait. Or is that in June? I need to know, I put everything in my little book.


1999oct22. Mojave Desert motorcycle endurance race.

1999oct22. Yeah! Yeah yeah! Mexican Day of the Dead in the Oakland Museum! McMuertos!

1999oct22. Those ass-sucks took all of my hamburger profits.

1999oct23. Ben Hamper on the remote possibility of a Rivethead movie

1999oct23. Models’ Eggs -- maybe they should auction some of bill gates’s sperm, so we can start breeding RICH children. [from Megan]

1999oct25. They’re DOGS ... and they’re playing POKER!!!! I wish these poster prints were a little clearer. [via Ethel the Blog]

1999oct25. Dada Pokey (you can hit reload over and over for surreal fun!) [via Peterme]

1999oct25. Roll out the Halloween Wire: Children below the age of five cannot discriminate effectively between reality and fantasy. I’ve been trying to use this fact to have all working clowns muzzled and put on work farms, with little success.

1999oct25. Why aren’t there safety belts in school buses? There are some key quotes in this article, including “A passenger bouncing around the compartment spreads the impact more evenly.”

1999oct25. Art imitates life; life banned; administrators pat themselves on the back. Can’t a bunch of guys just punch each other for fun?

1999oct26. And now, for the positive spin: an ad for Lear Jets, brought to you by MSNBC.

1999oct26. I think they’re BLUFFING! Let’s OUTSPEND THEM!!!! USA! USA! USA!

1999oct26. Tip-up from the Rain Barrel Maglog: I.D. Magazine this month obsesses over the world of Las Vegas design.

1999oct26. A witness described the carnage succinctly: ”It was like war.” It was war, the “Drug War,” which has led to a greater deterioration of civil liberties than any hysteria this century. Incredibly, the Drug War has been popular with the public, despite being an expensive, destructive failure. A failure, that is, assuming its purpose is to stop drug usage: Many believe the Drug War’s real goal is to condition public acceptance for authoritarian control, linking it to the suppression of undesirables and social misfits. If so, it has been a smashing success.

1999oct27. Dogs In Elk In Vegetables [via Jon]

1999oct27. Louis Theroux ... has his own show!

1999oct27. An investigation of Japanese hi-tech toilets.

1999oct27. Privacy?

1999oct28. More mail to burn ...

1999oct28. [Dr Cliff] Interview with Tura Satana

1999oct28. McSweeney’s: Ponce De Leon

1999oct28. Amtrak specials until December 16th 1999. I’d try to explain it, but it involves regions.

1999oct28. Um.

1999oct28. Green alien meat (scroll down a bit). Also, check out the other sections, a laff on every page. [one-off Memepool]

1999oct29. The Foster Brothers! One makes a mean gumbo, the other one likes Ponzi schemes! One’s in jail, the other’s on the lam! The story has a bunch of stupid gumbo/criminal similes ... cringe through them, because the SOUP GETS REAL HOT around the last page of the article, when Patrick is revealed not to be your typical criminal, through a series of notes left in his apartment: “because I Patrick Foster am surrounded by a protected mist of invisibility and can’t be seen by any law enforcement officers or agents on the planet.”

1999oct29. Pranks(?): Creole HUD document

1999oct31. The title of this news release originally read “Hackers break in to WOOB WOOB HONK HONK HONK ULG RULEZZZZZ!!!!!!1111!!!! D00D!!!!! K-RAD K00L!!!!11111111111111!!!11”