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1999mar01. Command Post Doc Phone Booth

1999mar01. (dead news link) Privacy: I love the twisted-ass Newsspeak in this one: ”It does reflect (Reno’s) deep interest and commitment in using our law enforcement tools in a manner that is sensitive to privacy rights.” Yes, taking DNA samples from anyone arrested is quite sensitive to privacy rights. Asshole.

1999mar01. New Chickenhead features Jerry Garcia autopsy!

1999mar01. “Privacy: To some extent we trade off personal privacy for protection like this,” says Philipp Reilly of the National Commission on the Future of DNA Evidence. No one needs the “protection” a DNA database can bring.

1999mar01. Amish Porn

1999mar02. Bunny Goes Raving

1999mar02. Sharbie

1999mar02. Ya, der Bluezen der BROTHERZEN!

1999mar02. Kweeeeeeeeeeeennnn!!!

1999mar02. This is Gorilla X-9 calling HQ, please come in ... [Bizarre Magazine]

1999mar02. Frigidaire introduces new defective internet-enabled refrigerator. Get this – it has Microsoft Windows 95 in it! Oh man, if you’re a comedian, this is your GRAVY TRAIN!!

1999mar02. Taste-E-Chop hangin’ def and steady in China! Paris! Out West! That chop GETS AROUND

1999mar02. Furniture Porn

1999mar03. Classic Gaming Expo ’99. This is sort of frightening. I used to be a big video-game addict. I had the high score on “Dig-Dug” for about two weeks – the “official” high score arcade for the United States, Twin Galaxies, is mentioned on this website ... they’re STILL recording high scores, some fifteen years later. Now I feel as old as the sun.

1999mar03. Jan Svankmajer: Alchemist of the Surreal ... don’t even TELL me you don’t remember THIS [m]

1999mar03. Excellent Club 8 site ... without pictures?

1999mar03. Radio Khartoum: a record label.

1999mar03. Why? A Continuing Series.

1999mar04. We have a request from a Mr. Kurt Heidelberg of the Department of Anthropology of the University of California of California of The United States of America.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Announcing the 6th Annual International BIGGEST MOCK NUMBER CONTEST!

Just in case you haven’t played before, here are the rules:

1. Submit a “mock number” that SOUNDS bigger than anything else. Examples are: “zillion” or “jillian,” etc.

2. Do not submit actual numbers, mathematical expressions or terms such as infinity, infinity plus 1, 2 to the nth, googol, or googolplex.

3. Be creative (dammit).

4. Multiple submissions are allowed.

5. Submission deadline is March 30th.

6. email all submissions to [email address] NOT TO CARDHOUSE!!!

The reigning Biggest Mock Number is THE SULTAN OF BRUNILLION, by Dominique Rissolo of San Diego, California. Mr. Rissolo has been the champ for 2 years.

Please forward this message to your friends, or any enemies who loathe unsolicited email.

Enter often and try to dethrone the DOM of mock math, if you can. Remember, if you don’t enter, you’re already a loser!

Kurt

1999mar04. ASIAN CULTURE WEEK WRAP-UP.(*)

My friend Doc wrote me earlier today. He said:

this morning i erased the white board on which i’d been adding a new bible verse each day, on the subject of, basically, how crappy people are. it had been making people nervous. this afternoon i remarked, as i do almost every day, “i need to make a lot of money real fast.” someone asked whether i had a plan to do that. i went back to the white board & wrote my plan:

“MY KINGDOM FOR A SKI MASK”

Oh my! I have several BILLION DOLLARS that I can give Mr. Doc, but I don’t think he’ll want to retrieve any of it – because he’ll have to pick ’em up IN HELL!!!! [saucy reverb] Yes, I’ve got BILLION DOLLAR HELL NOTES!!!! [haunting reverb]

What the hell are Hell Notes?, you ask. I will tell you. I will tell you what the Hell Notes are. First, let’s take a look at one. Here’s a ONE BILLION DOLLAR HELL NOTE. It’s one of the biggest, baby, clocking in at ten by five inches! Nothing but the best for my little reader (here the web ro-bot tickles you under the chin with Microsoft’s Ticklebot 99. Oh, oh JESUS! GOOD LORD!!!! Ummm, don’t worry, it’ll grow back ... it’ll grow back).

one billion dollar hell note – ten x five inches

front! (ding ding!)

back!

There are several denominations of Hell Notes, from a one-dollar bill up to (at least) the one billion dollar note. The Chinese create this money to be used in the afterlife. The Chinese afterlife is pretty much the same as here, you work (that IS hell!), have to spend money and provide for your family, etc. The hell money is transported from this world to the afterlife by burning it. The money is traditionally burned after a funeral, or during the Chinese new year. It doesn’t stop at money – the place where I picked these bills up also had Hell shoes – shoes to burn, made out of cardboard. There are other various consumer items available elsewhere; a friend of mine saw a Hell VCR once. I have read of ersatz cars and houses being assembled just to be burned.

The tradition itself is frowned upon by the Chinese government (you know, if I had a Hell Dollar for every time I saw that phrase ... ). In the interest of the environment, they suggest burning one blank check for the deceased. There are also Hell Credit Cards issued by at least one bank in Taiwan.

The reason they’re called HELL notes is rather funny – it comes from Christian missionaries visiting China in the 19th century, happily explaining to the Chinese where they’d all end up. I love this attitude – “call it whatever you want, we’re still going to keep our traditions and beliefs.”

I’ve decided to gather up a bunch of Hell Notes and burn them for my own twisted reasons ... I’m burning them to transport ‘em across TIME – across a very pernicious moment in time when my bank account may go up in smoke.

NOTES NOTE: This money is VERY, VERY cheap in this world. I got about 34 one billion dollar Hell Notes for ninety-five cents and I think that several of the other denominations go for less (as they are smaller). Unless you HAVE to have Hell Notes (and aren’t near a major city), don’t buy them off the web – the prices I’ve seen are ridiculously high.

(*) Friday is always “Friday Free Day,” ever since the 8th grade. It sort of stuck. It’s a caution at work. If something is destroying you that day, you just sort of twitch, blurt out “FRIDAY FREE DAY!” and run out of the office. Oh sure, sometimes I come back and there are security guards waiting with a box labelled “LOSER,” but I think the tradition should be kept alive at all costs.

1999mar04. [Deuce of Clubs] Natty physicists from the UK discover six new ways to SELL YOUR SOUL [via robot wisdom]

1999mar04. World’s largest scam artists INCREDULOUS that someone is trying to (dead news link) uberscam their scam!

1999mar04. (dead news link) Press secretary keels over, dies

1999mar04. Art: Woodblock prints from Japan’s Edo period (1603-1867).

1999mar04. Photos: Lost America

1999mar05. Yes, my little web-kittens, it is Friday. And what is Friday if it is not “Friday Free-Day"? That is a good question. You are quite the smarty-smart!

Our first exhibit is a photograph of Chicago, Illinois, taken in January of 1993. In some ways, I think this photo adequately captures the best and worst of Chicago, Illinois.


Chicago, Illinois. January 1993.

Now I will tell a story. Doc was watching a program about The Nazis the other day, and tried to make a dollar bet with me.

If you know anything about Doc, it’s to never take a bet with him – see, for instance, this or this.

So we’re chatting via ICQ, as people are wont to do nowadays, and out of the blue he says:

i’ll give you a dollar if anyone mentions “nazi pants.” i get a dollar from you if anyone mentions “nifty” and “nazis”

The “nifty"/"nazis” was a callback to an earlier conversation. “Nazi pants” was a lame joke I made roughly a year ago:

Hitler put his pants on one leg at a time, like everyone else.

But they were NAZI PANTS

This may be one of the very few times that Doc has offered to bet on something for which he does not know the outcome. Or ... DOES he? I refuse. Twenty minutes into the program, he transcribes the most recent sentence:

“Hitler was fond of chocolates and sweets, and was fond of wearing NAZI PANTS”

Should have taken that damned Nazi bet. (2006: He finally mentioned that he was lying. See, my defenses are legion, but if you’re on my side of the wall, I’m just a big pushover)

Our last piece is a shopkeeper’s “Open” sign. These signs cost seventy-nine cents at my local hardware store. The actual design is very old, and no one really knows who created the original sign. It is one of those things.


Open sign.

Perhaps next week the “Closed” sign will be available for viewing. Perhaps my hardware store will have it in stock by then. It’s very Californian to just stay open all the time, I guess.

Also, if you have read this far, perhaps you would be interested in the new All About entry into the All About Gallery. It sort of snuck in when nobody was looking.

1999mar05. (dead news link) [make up your own punchline]

1999mar05. Virgil Exner, car designer for Chrysler

1999mar05. Playland Slaying, part of the “Above New York” photo series by Phillip Buehler

1999mar05. Products: Hair clips, mah-jong keychains.

1999mar05. Enterprising young lad constructs “dream bike” entirely of animal parts.

1999mar05. (dead news link) Privacy: Don’t forget to thank your senate democrats for not killing the invasive Know-Your-Customer banking proposal

1999mar05. (dead news link) Man cannot marry his own car.

1999mar05. Products: Here’s something I’ve never wondered about. How does normal waste leave a nuclear power facility? Turns out most facilities just treat ALL their waste as contaminated, even if it’s not. Well, at least, according to this company.

1999mar05. Outdoor Advertising In Latin America. These photos probably could be focused even less, but you’d have to work at it.

1999mar05. The previous link reminded me of this old website which I had always hoped would continue, but just sort of sits there year after year. I need a drink.

1999mar05. A sushi web site. Nice animations. Sort of reminds me of that scene in Delicatessan with the old woman watching TV with the picture of the rotating cake/pie display. Yes, like that.

1999mar07. Mail.

Yeah, yeah, Haw Flakes!! My rad friend Alisa discovered them at some store in ChinaTown in Boston (where she goes to skool ... ) She shipped some back to her brother (whose computer I am using.) Nobody here actually likes them (you’re so right about the aftertaste) but we eat em’ now and then anyway. I could go for one right now! They WERE right around here somewhere ...

While I was in Chinatown I picked up some more Haw Flakes. I have discovered some additional properties about Haw Flakes that might come in handy to the Haw Flake-eating public, and maybe even yourself. The aftertaste isn’t really present if you KEEP eating them. Which I think is a big reason the ten-packs seem to go so fast. Once you stop, though, you should be ready to give your teeth a good scrubbin’.

There are two manufacturers of Haw Flakes, which I don’t understand, because their individual packages look extremely similar. The outer plastic wrap is different - there is one manufacturer that shows a picture of the Hawthorne flower (Shan Zha Bing), and one that does not (Sunflower). I found that the ten-packs usually hover around fifty cents, and that the Shan Zha Bing flakes seem to be sticking together a lot more than the Sunflower ones. I would go with Sunflower brand at this time. Perhaps I just got a bad batch of Shan Zha Bing. Perhaps someone from Shan Zha Bing will write to me demanding that I change my editorial.

1999mar07. Mail.

I just kind of stumbled on to your site, and boy am I glad I did! This is terrific! Keep it up! Don’t ever leave! Please!

Sincerely,

Mandy

The day I received this note, I was just pulling the plug on the whole operation. But I can’t leave now, or “ever” – because Mandy said I could not. I hope you’re happy, Mandy ... I hope you’re happy. (2006: You know Mandy doesn’t read anymore. You can sense it. In the air.)

1999mar07. Mail.

My 14 inch donuts! Hi I am the best donut man, and feel that you are underestimating my donuts. They are truly delicous and full flavored to the biggest donut critics. 14 inch donuts are a real novelty and an art in it’s own right. Please rewrite your editorial on us. Once bitten twice back.

Mr. Donut Man:

My two-part donut-domain review column! You have not taken the time to actually read and digest (get it?) my review of your donut-related domain. There is no discussion about your donuts per se, but they are used as a analogy to criticize the bigger trend of product expansion that seems to be a major U.S. obsession these days, from the oversized, drape-like pants teenagers are wearing to insanely large coffee cups and other consumables. It’s an old cork, and it’s been beaten to death, but I have no shame.

I also find your request to “rewrite” my editorial disturbing. You are apparently unfamiliar with the term “freedom of the press.” It is no surprise to me, as the press itself also seems to have no idea either.

If you would like a favorable review of your actual freakishly large donuts, you could send one (donut) along to our corporate offices. This would be a “comp” (donut), which means “free” (donut). That’s how the press works. I mean, yes, the press does occasionally buy things, but it’s all written off. I can’t write anything off, so you’re going to have to spring for the fourteen-inch donut, Mr. Donut Man. I could really use a fourteen-inch donut in my life right now.

1999mar07. (dead news link) Privacy: As if anyone needs any more reasons to avoid Windows 98.

1999mar08. Mail.

Yeah, yeah, Haw Flakes!! My rad friend Alisa discovered them at some store in ChinaTown in Boston (where she goes to skool ... ) She shipped some back to her brother (whose computer I am using.) Nobody here actually likes them (you’re so right about the aftertaste) but we eat em’ now and then anyway. I could go for one right now! They WERE right around here somewhere ...

While I was in Chinatown I picked up some more Haw Flakes. I have discovered some additional properties about Haw Flakes that might come in handy to the Haw Flake-eating public, and maybe even yourself. The aftertaste isn’t really present if you KEEP eating them. Which I think is a big reason the ten-packs seem to go so fast. Once you stop, though, you should be ready to give your teeth a good scrubbin’.

There are two manufacturers of Haw Flakes, which I don’t understand, because their individual packages look extremely similar. The outer plastic wrap is different – there is one manufacturer that shows a picture of the Hawthorne flower (Shan Zha Bing), and one that does not (Sunflower). I found that the ten-packs usually hover around fifty cents, and that the Shan Zha Bing flakes seem to be sticking together a lot more than the Sunflower ones. I would go with Sunflower brand at this time. Perhaps I just got a bad batch of Shan Zha Bing. Perhaps someone from Shan Zha Bing will write to me demanding that I change my editorial.

1999mar08. It’s Monday! What a glorious day! I love Mondays because then I get to go back to work! You’re all excited as well, aren’t you?

Anyway. This week is going to be a little “off.”I mean, I don’t really have time to be doing much this week. And I’m going on vacation starting Thursday, so there’s that. So much for my commitment to daily Cardhouse quality. Snort. So it’s going to be all loose for three days, then nothing for about a week, then I’ll be back to let YOU know that I can really shake ‘em down. Also, I really liked the blue text color from Friday so I’m trying it today. Like I’ve said before, the only color that looks the same on all monitors is black, so I tend to get pretty discouraged when I’m selecting other colors. But then I do some drugs and my troubles seem to melt away. Drugs: The Trouble-Melterers.

I ransacked Chinatown this weekend for more Hell Notes and actually ended up buying some other Hell-oriented stuff like Hell Gold. These fake gold ingots have the words “HELL BANK” printed on them. This fake gold cost me fifty cents. The package is five and one-fourth inches by four inches by one-fourth of an inch.

Hell Gold

1999mar08. Privacy: This keeps getting funnier! Turns out Windows 98 sends a unique registration number along with your name, address, and unique ethernet location back to Microsoft. They apparently “never considered” the privacy implications. Cough. Cough.

1999mar08. All About Vending Machines: gumballs, eggs, poetry chapbooks, gasoline, french fries, corn, panties previously worn by schoolgirls, marijuana, you know, the usual stuff. [via robot wisdom]

1999mar08. RoboShop serves up everything from comic books to sushi. This is #1 on my travel list right now. WANT TO ROBOSHOP! Anyone else up for a trip? And what a great logo!

1999mar08. (dead news link) The Surface Transportation Policy Project, an environmental group, has released a list of “worst aggressive driving regions and states.”Their criteria for “aggressiveness” is determined by deaths per 100,000 people (deaths by ... vehicular homicide? It is not ascertained). This is completely idiotic. Take a look at their list – Boston does NOT appear in the city list. What DOES appear are cities with a high concentration of the elderly, whether as residents (Miami) or tourists (Las Vegas). Your little metric is a complete sham, STPP. But I suppose the STPP doesn’t want to target areas that already have a solid mass-transit infrastructure. Is that it, STPP, is THAT it?

1999mar08. Some fast food chains in the United Kingdom are declaring themselves to be free of genetically-modified food, which is mostly manufactured in the United States. So what’s the status of GM food in the United States? I personally do not know. Here’s a UK Q&A about genetically-modified food. Here’s something about the danger of GM food as shown via an artificial gut. Here’s an old AgBiz Tiller article (scroll down to 10/4/96) about GM nonsense from Monsanto. Still can’t find anything current. Here’s (apparently) the FDA press release approving the Flavr-Saver tomato back in 1994. Here’s some problems with Monsanto’s Roundup Ready GM cotton. And FINALLY, the information I was looking for in the first place: an article about what types of GM food US citizens are already consuming without knowing it.

1999mar08. Japan travel and tourism. I’m SERIOUS! ROBOSHOP! ROBOSHOP!

1999mar09. Mail.

I like cheese, as does everyone, and I was wondering if you could offer me any cheese, in exchange for one of my limbs (preferably my left leg, although I am open to offers). A nice slice of French Brie would go down well right about now I think, but please hurry with your response, as I have also contacted that well-known cheese-breeder and guy-who-loves-to-hold -severed-limbs Anthony Hopkins.

I do enjoy the cheese. But I do not have any cheese on me at the moment. I don’t really buy cheese, either, but I do buy products that have cheese on them. I don’t really look for products that specifically have cheese, per se, but it is not something I avoid, either. I also have no use for any of your limbs, so even if I did have cheese (and I do not), I would probably keep the cheese and not trade you for the limb. I haven’t had Brie in quite some time and I do agree that that would be a good cheese to have. Now.

1999mar09. Okay. I’m sort of tired, so I’m just going to run this item by you today and then I’m going to finish up this dish of ice cream and go to bed. I wasn’t even going to put something up for today but someone named “Mandy” wrote in today and said “Keep it up! Don’t ever leave! Please!” So I’m trapped here in this little home page world. Thanks a Sultan of Brunillion, Mandy.

This is some more of the Hell Notes stuff. In addition to all of the notes that are available, you can pick up various sundry items, notions, to burn. There was a very well-done little fake toothbrush, fake toothpaste (“Darkie” brand, actually a real brand of toothpaste), and fake cup for six dollars. I like you a lot, but you’re not worth six dollars to me at this point, it would have been pretty hard to cram in the flatbed, I’m too lazy to take pictures, etc. So I bought this for one dollar.


kit.

Lookin’ stylish – in hell! I know as much about this kit as you do. It’s all made of paper – paper watch, paper rings, a paper ballpoint pen, etc, and I guess those are fake glasses at the top of the photo. That, or this is some sort of Hell Robin costume kit.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) I will be discussing the multitudes of idiots that arrive at Cardhouse by accident by typing very stupid things into search engines, with actual examples. It’ll be a hootenanny, don’t miss it. Then I’ll go on vacation for a week or so.

1999mar09. (dead news link) In God We Trust – all others wait off the US coast for, say, a year?

1999mar09. (dead news link) Another NASA boondoggle. We are learning much more about the atmosphere of incompetency surrounding NASA than we are learning about space. Space is cold and empty. Give it up. You’re losers. Roll NASA’s budget into (dead news link) Amtrak. Wait, better yet, give the money back. Give the money back. Thank you.

1999mar09. New stuff at Gallery of Regrettable Food - check out those yummy Benedictish Frankwiches! [via honeyguide]

1999mar09. (dead news link) Here’s a better definition of just what metrics the STPP uses to define an aggressive driving death. Among other deciding factors, they eliminate deaths in which alcohol or drugs were used. This is because, as we all know, alcohol and drugs do not promote aggressive behavior.

1999mar10. All aboard for freedom! [via robot wisdom]

The gargantuan Freedom Boat
Is preparing for its inaugural run
The gargantuan Freedom Boat
Promises some kind of freakish mile-long translantic floating tax paradise for everyone

Will this boat make a stopover at New Utopia? Will there be a big FREEDOM FIGHT? “We are the FREEDOMEST!” “No, WE are!” (they fight.) Perhaps they could also stop at Sealand.

1999mar10. More independent islands, trouble in Sealand, etc

1999mar10. New Country White Paper at Free Nation Foundation

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Bob H.)

These files are decades old, nurse! Please discard them on the street.

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Sam P.)

This man is very hairy.

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Sam P.)

It is not often, your honor, that the court is lucky enough to possess a photo of the moment in time immediately proceeding the catastrophic accident, but here you can clearly see the plaintiffs taking their first step down what we have labelled “Exhibit A".

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Sam P.)

Caption: “Sufee Absolutly poooochhedd”

This is one of those dogs that needs to be slapped around. I can sense it. It’s a tiny little shit that has a world of attitude. I remember another dog like this, every time we went over our friend’s house this tiny little dog would bark and bark and bark and wouldn’t shut up even though everyone yelled at it. So one time while it was doing this, my friend took an ice cube from his limited-edition fast food soft drink collector’s cup and chucked it at the dog in frustration. Wasn’t really aiming anywhere. Hit the dog right between the eyes.

It shut up, and never bothered us again. Now that’s a beautiful love story.

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Sam P.)

If I had a dog and I took him to the pet store, I would train him to eat things there so I wouldn’t have to pay for dog food. “Oh, Buster got into the Dog Chow again?!?!? I’m so SORRY ... ” ‘Course, that would only work so long, then it’s back to the shelter for Buster.

1999mar10. Found photo.

(contributed by Sam P.)

This is one of my favorite found photos. This person was interrupted halfway through preparing a large number of sandwiches by the thought that this moment should be captured for all posterity.

Making sandwiches.

“Here’s a photo of the sandwiches I served THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.”

I’m trying out scenarios here. Trying to get in this person’s head. Why. Always trying to figure out ... why. A key component of any good found photo.

“These were the POISONED SANDWICHES that I gave to MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR. Remember, when the ambulance came?”

“I had one picture left on the roll, so I took a picture of some stupid HALF-FINISHED SANDWICHES.”

Yes.

1999mar11. Mail.

It’s no wonder the Czech republic is in turmoil, those little boys were always trouble! Have you ever found out what “CHRANTE DETI” means?
– Inky

Yes. It is now on the Children In Distress page.

1999mar12. Mail.

cute matchbox labels!
... just wanted to tell you that the little bottle a boy holds in front of a medicine box states: “JED” meaning “poison"!!!???

thejda

1999mar12. Wednesday! Things go better with Wednesday™.

Today I would like to look at the Cardhouse referrer logs. This a log file that tells me where people came from, what pages they used to get to a page here, or what web search terms lead them here. It is both amusing and distressing. Amusing in that people are idiots; distressing in that a lot of people are probably jumping to a Cardhouse page thinking it is something else entirely.

Is that such a bad thing?

I am glad you asked that. Yes. I am curious as to what is interesting to people. I am putting this up for my own benefit, so when I’m 70 and senile I can look at the website and say “I spent way too much time indoors” or even “MY LEGS! WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN LEGS!” But since these people are coming into Cardhouse on a “bad trip,” it is clear that they’re not getting anything out of the deal. I thought about changing the wording in each of the pages so people don’t end up finding them during searches, but as Doc has discovered, THAT doesn’t even work (see below).

I am going to stop typing and show you some of the search terms people are using. When you click on a term phrase, it will take you to the page they visited. Suckers.

This page will only be up for one day, since I don’t want those nasty web robots indexing THIS page, as remote as the chance might be. These are search phrases pointed at stuff I was involved with:

bowling ball polisher

pure passion memphis

crime scene photos
lotta demand for this one

office screwing

dancing carrots

where can i find photos on san cabos

Doc has his own problems:
Saudi jobs

violence in the media

mexican advertisement

procter and gamble church of satan

Photographic Equip Supplies Retail In Georgia

Are there times when it is approrpriate to lie or should we always tell the truth
what is this, magic 8-ball? REPLY HAZY

when do people dream
MY SOURCES SAY NO

KIT MODELS OF BIG RIGS

man at phone booth

nude breasts -fuck -puss -wet
-hard -hardcore -dick -lolita

you get what you deserve

sexy crossed legs

cough syrup meth

Exploding Inca ruins

body cavity search

And on and on it goes. This is just from three or four days of referral log analysis. Oops, today’s report JUST came in. Let’s pick one from today. Here’s a nice one.

stop signs traffic signs motorists bicycle cyclists bicyclist bicyclists intersections pedestrian bus transit buses sidewalks Transportation sewers parking Lane City parked vehicle vehicles speeders mph speed ride riders riding pavement Highway driving

It’s good that they were so specific, because they got EXACTLY what they were looking for. Doc actually went to some trouble to change some of the “sex” references in one of his web pages to “secks” and even now people are searching for “hard secks” because they can’t even SPELL THE WORD SEX and they’re getting to Doc’s page anyway ... “I NOW WHAT I WANT, MAN, GIVV ME THE HART SECKS!!!”

Sigh. It makes me want to just close up shop. But, like I mentioned yesterday, Mandy said I can’t leave.

Tomorrow (Thursday) I will have more pictures of Hell Notes. Or I will not, because I have to prepare for my trip. I like to put things off until the last minute, then not do them at all. Prospective employers are impressed by my commitment to leisure. “TWELVE WEEKS OFF? PEOPLE IN FRANCE DON’T EVEN GET TWELVE WEEKS OFF!” Sacre Bleu!

1999mar13. Mail.

Hi! I like your article about Little People. I too enjoyed the toys as a child. I get mine in great condition and now think I might collect these. Thanks for the tips on how to find these great toys of our past.
Cool web site.

It is also “rad.”

1999mar13. Mail.

thank you. yeah, thanks. im drinking wine and reading all about your vacations to burning man. funny funny. tee hee ... liking it. so, im going to be sending you one dollar. and i expect to have more of your words in my mail bucket. am i correct?
love you

over and out
amanda.

Yes. My rate of return is rather haggard these days, though. I wouldn’t run to the mailbox everyday, perhaps a lite jog would suffice.

1999mar14. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

This is a boat. The sign reads “CORPS OF ENGINEERS U.S. ARMY MEMPHIS TENNESSEE.”This is an army boat. The US93PAD Tactical Paddleboat.

1999mar17. Mail.

Hi, re: Czech child in peril --
“chrante” means “watch out” or, interestingly enough, “you whore” in czech and “deti” is “children” or “young ones.” Kind of obvious, but still entertaining.

saf

1999mar17. Pranks: Omissions Create Opportunities.

[vacation. all i ever wanted. vacation. have to get away.]

1999mar17. Pranks: We Are Luther Blisset

1999mar17. Day traders have ALL THE FUN

1999mar17. Excellent Matt Groening interview with details about the Bunnyhop incident [via robot wisdom]

1999mar17. The self-cleaning public toilets of San Francisco await! I’ve seen similar-looking kiosks in SF and now I’m wondering if they were toilets or not. If they were, shame on the people who told me they weren’t – if they weren’t, shame on the designers for making toilets and non-toilets look so similar. More on this tomorrow, as I’m going into the city. Look for me there. I’ll be wearing a shirt.

1999mar18. I am back from my whirlwind Portland/Vancouver vacation. I took some notes. Not enough to create a coherent travelogue. I don’t do much of that anymore. Now I just throw some things up in the air and let you, the patient reader, figure out the underlying themeatic elements, even if there aren’t any.

Because of all the human traits I hold dear, my favorite is the underlying desire to make sense of a random, chaotic world.

I like when you do that. It brings a smile to my tired face.

----

The first thing I have to say about driving to Portland is that it is just a little too far. When I used to drive from Detroit to New Jersery or New York City, that was okay. 660 miles, give or take 20. The drive from Detroit to Boston, which is actually a bit farther, was at least broken up by driving through Canada (yes. check a map, my friend) and the prospect of being pulled over by a Canadian police officer. What happens then? Who knows. “I’m just taking a short-cut, officer, don’t mind me.”

But Portland is about 700 miles away from where I am living now. Combined with the mountains, that is really too far. Unfortunately, I found Portland to be a rather pleasant place to drag about, so I’ll be visiting there in the future. By plane, I guess.

My trip started out with a nasty surprise. I-5 is quite sparse with the speed limit signs. You’ll drive for fifty miles and not see one. Less government for The People, but no speed limit signs means the officers can just make up speed limits – ”oh, the speed limit is 47 mph today.”

There’s not much to say about driving in California otherwise. There’s an interesting stretch of I-80 just out of San Francisco that’s populated by some strange undecipherable tourist traps, some closed, some open: “The Milk Farm,” “The Nut Tree,” etc ... The Milk Farm, although closed, had a few working lights at the top of their sign. That’s going to be some electrical bill a decade from now. The Olive Pit offers “free olive tasting,” “sandwiches,” and “shakes.” Never having had an olive shake, I pulled in. Too many olives. Back in the car.

One thing I keep meaning to do is document the strange differences in rest area amenities – I’m sure other people would understand why I was snapping picture of sinks and hand dryers. Rest areas seem to be in some sort of nationwide contest to offer the weary traveler the best and worst in ergonomic and hygenic design – California rest area sinks, for example, are sometimes equipped with a small metal handle hanging from the faucet. To turn it on, you have to push the lever. THAT’S intuitive.

Oregon restrooms have the best arrangement for toilet paper dispensers. One long bar, six rolls. Your chance of getting a roll distributed the way you like (over or under) is highly probable, unless your bar has been filled by someone who REALLY CARES about that sort of thing, as I have encountered (“everybody gets over and everybody’s going to LIKE it!”). Oregon restrooms also have sub-par sinks, long shallow metal affairs that are almost big enough to wash cafeteria trays in. They remind me of Utah urinals without the special contours especially designed to return as much urine to you as possible. Utah toilet paper dispensers are similarly engineered – up to eight rolls are stacked VERTICALLY in a contraption that only lets you access the bottom one. The significant weight of seven other rolls of toilet paper means you’re going to spend a long time getting enough to do the job, and if you run out you have to rip off the cardboard to get the next roll to come down. Avoid going to the bathroom in Utah whenever possible. Or, as I’ve always said, fast food restaurants serve one purpose and one purpose only.

HEAD NOW
3-11 THURS NIGHT
TRUCKERS CH3
– bathroom grafitti

Oregon is the proud home of The Enchanted Forest, a small amusement park tucked into a hill off of exit 248. A billboard advertises a “log flume ride.” An ENCHANTED log flume ride, obviously.

There was a golf course next to the freeway -- I saw a golfing group progressing from hole to hole. It made me sad. But then, fifty miles later, there was another freeway-side golf course. This time, a group of eight people were surrounding a flag. One man leaned over. Pulled back for the putt.

HONKKKKKK!!!! HONK HONK HONK!!!!

I silently thanked Jesus Christ for the opportunity to showcase my expert timing skills.

Oregon also has something called a “speedometer check.” These are on the side of the road. Each mile is marked off for five miles. That’s the “speedometer check.” You know, as if the mile markers weren’t good enough, as if you want to compute a 60mph speed check while the speed limit is actually 65mph, as if you want to compute this speed check over hills and around curves, which is where they put two of them.

There were many lambs in Oregon. They are always eating. There’s never a bold non-eating lamb facing into the wind, head held proud, leading the eating lambs into the next field. They’re all just chowing down. In one field, they calmly ate in front of the large billboard advertising a lamb service which could be reached at 1-800-A-LAMB-4-U. I don’t have enough grass for such a lamb-4-me.

There were other things on the road, but I’ve forgotten them. I’m sure they were important.

1999mar18. Mail.

I was curious about “Chrante Deti,” so I went through some search engines and found out that it means “Watch out, kids!” Chrante = watch out!, gleaned from the Czech-English web dictionary.

Deti = kids, from a Czech kiddie web site that has an english translation of the title.

[I found this before I found the on-line dictionary, which I’m sure would also have ’deti’ in there.]

Dr. Berk

1999mar18. Mail.

Can I help erase evil if I burn a “Draner"? (If you dont know, a Draner is a semi-fictional banknote issued at Drano village, Burning Man ’98)

OoooooOOOOH!!! I didn’t know they were passing out MONEY! [kicking self] GRRRR! GRR! As far as helping to erase evil, even if a burning a Draner had some sort of helpful effect, my guess is that you would have to burn five million tons of Draners to have any sort useful outcome, and then, well, you’ve got all that Draner pollution so the whole operation sort of cancels itself out.

1999mar18. Mail.

hi there, tk2k here again!

life is beautiful now because /
weather is good /
and ap news alerts ding dong /
the violent witch stories /
are dead in today’s sun

anyway i was wondering if you would like to join me in my webjockey project? i will pay you some small dollars, as well as you will gain international fame and acclaim!!

please let me know if you are interested and we can discuss details

What?

1999mar18. The Light on the Net Project allows you to turn a 7x7 grid of lights on and off – the grid is displayed in Japan’s Gifu Softopia Center and has been active since 1996. I had to battle two other people to create the heavenly vision you see below. A pal suggests that I call it “The Message of Friendship.”I agree. [m]

1999mar19. [the phone rings. the answering machine picks up the same time I do, and begins recording.]

Me: Hello?
Jenny: Hello make I speak to Jeff Stendec?
Me: Yeah, who is this?
Jenny: This is Jenny Lastname calling on behalf of AT&T ...
Me: Oh, I’m sorry! Bye! [click]

[the answering machine still is recording, and keeps the line open. Jenny is unaware]

Jenny: I don’t get that one ... I don’t understand ... okay, when someone goes ... uh, may I speak with Jeff Stendec ... Yeah, this is he. Who’s this? My name is Jenny Lastname calling on behalf of from AT&T ... [nasally voice] OH, I’M SORRY! BYE! [end nasally voice] What do you do?
Unknown: He hung up on you.
Jenny: Yeah.
Unknown: [unintelligble]
Jenny: Retard.
Me (picking up phone): ”Excuse me? I fucking HEARD THAT!” [click]

Jenny is apparently the last person in the world to find out that some people don’t want to be called by a telemarketer during dinner. Perhaps this is all my fault. Perhaps I should have been more excited. Perhaps Jenny should have enunciated and/or spelled her last name so I could properly report her to her superiors when I send in my chopped-up AT&T credit card and/or sic some telemarketers on her since we’re all supposed to just drop everything and run to the phone, breathless and estatic that WE were chosen to receive a call from JENNY, THE TELEMARKETER FROM HEAVEN.

You can’t win with AT&T. If they smell money in the air, they’ll hound you until you die. I’ve asked nicely, I’ve cursed up a storm, but they just won’t goddamn leave me alone.

It’s time for revenge – CARDHOUSE STYLE

1999mar19. Time for a little Smackerel of something.

1999mar19. Bad designs for good people

1999mar19. Pranks: Alan Abel strikes again. [via obscure store]

1999mar19. Longish article about The Onion and their new book with a bizarre analogy: “The pages of Our Dumb Century resemble Wendy’s restaurant tabletops ... ” – ummm, YES, because the tabletops were created from a collage of turn-of-the-century newspapers ... [burying head in hands] [via robot wisdom]

1999mar19. Glad I bothered to scan that newspaper page, when it was already here.

1999mar19. Perhaps there is a reason there isn’t a “trunk release” button inside the trunk of automobiles. I’m not sure what that reason would be.

1999mar19. It’s late at night. I put on a little Debussy, sit back with a glass of wine, and watch the spam scroll by. “The most incredible part of our business is that ALL MY CLIENTS CALL ME!” I cry a small tear, because life is beautiful and so is www.cspam.com.

1999mar20. One of the four-color glossies for these gumball machines reads “Extremely RELIABLE for customers that DEMAND SATISFACTION” ... I just want a freakin’ GUMBALL here, Tex. The vending factory machine looks sort of interesting, looks like you can make a “mix” of different types of candy and it’s all automated and WHAT AM I SAYING!??? It’s JUST A GUMBALL MACHINE!

1999mar20. Let me get this right. You’re tracking “sliding rocks” as they tootle along in Death Valley. There are over 150 of them. And you’ve given each of them names. Carmen. Layla. Marion. Mamie. Pamela. AND NONE OF THEM ARE NAMED ”MARK"??? Oh, only female names. Never mind. Here is a nice photo of two rocks engaged in a friendly game of “racies.” [via deuce of clubs]

1999mar20. (dead news link) Americans: A Portrait. “Gosh, honey, what should we do with all of this embezzled money?” “Let’s RACE HOT RODS!”

1999mar21. (dead news link) Ho ho! Those journalist jesters comprising the Gridiron club have certainly crafted a keen send-up of the current administration! Har! [jamming gun barrel in my mouth]

1999mar21. Fan-created trailer for Star Wars using South Park characters (13.6 meg; realaudio available)

1999mar21. FinchCam, baby, FINCHCAM! [via robot wisdom]

1999mar21. Oooh, make your own gif labels! Several different options: fonts, colors, filters, etc

1999mar21. Hello, WHAT’S THIS? A video of Clinton making a play for a flight attendant?

1999mar22. Let’s all go on a tour of a Japanese chocolate factory! Come on! COME ON ALREADY!

1999mar22. I was trying to find some good Chris Ware pages – images that would encompass his work as a whole – but I couldn’t find anything that seemed full enough ... this is probably the best of the lot. Here is a serial presentation of some of his work, here is a good review, here is an interview.

1999mar22. Camworld is a well-organized weblog with lists of other weblogs and such.

1999mar22. Pranks: A Duck Called Ping [via cosmodrome]

1999mar22. Oh ... oh ... my head is going to explode ... oh, just noticed crude Asian stereotype!

1999mar22. LOOK OUT! IT’S THE GIANT VIVA PUFFS ROBOT! -- just one part of Eboy

1999mar22. A tale of web-design woe [via peterme]

1999mar22. The History of Large-Letter Postcards [via peterme]

1999mar23. Mail.

I really enjoy your text. You made me laugh and laughing is very important. I like your personality (ies). You’re awesome ... all of you!

akb

We are not a big deal. Look how much more beloved The Backstreet Boys are, for example. That was my Backstreet Boys reference for 1999. I am done now. All gone.

1999mar23. Eat the Beatles: well-done Beatle edible collectibles site.

1999mar23. (dead news link) This is even better than the Homeless Shopping Cart idea ... Wiley, you keep topping yourself.

1999mar23. Here’s an old story about an online user-makes-CD-track-selection company (“MY-CD”) shutting down due to pressure from the oily fat cats in charge of the music industry. Here’s a recent story about a user-makes-CD-track-selection vending machine called ... “MyCD.”

1999mar23. Nike raises entry-level wages ONE DOLLAR AND SEVENTY CENTS A MONTH bringing the total for each worker to THIRTY SEVEN DOLLARS AND FOURTEEN CENTS A MONTH ... Jesus Christ, I don’t know what I’d do with all that moola ... Bless you, Nike, bless you! Here’s an earlier assessment of “Satan’s Factory.”

1999mar23. Sniff-N-Grab: Portland police are getting around needing a warrant by offering to shake hands with a suspected pot grower while on their front porch – then the officer pulls the suspect out of their house and arrests them. Read here for the larger article; there’s an update here which concerns the phone taps at American Agriculture.

1999mar23. Hackers want to win backpacks! But they cannot! Must ... crack ... code ... But as it turns out, that story is three days old, and NOW look who’s in the catbird seat ... those crazy hackers got inside the site and went HOG WILD

1999mar23. That damned monkey has already kicked out seven Bob Greene columns. [via memepool]

1999mar23. Hahahaha! Die, broadcasters! Die!

1999mar23. Mail.

Online dictionaries aren’t the optimal means of translating a complex language. The matchbox messages are directed at adults rather than children. ”Chrante” is the imperative of the verb meaning to protect or safeguard and, in this case, “deti” is the sentence’s direct object.

carl

1999mar23. Lots of dingbats

1999mar23. (dead news link) Know Your Customer is not missed.

1999mar23. Forfeiture laws considered. I’d rather have read “Forfeiture laws repealed,” but there can only be so much good news in any given day.

1999mar23. James Gleick’s site. Perhaps I’ll come back when you can actually read the page with Netscape on a PC. It’s a freaking disaster area. [via peterme]

1999mar23. Necco has a list of “major products” - they seem to list everything BUT their “candy stix” line (which was renamed from “candy cigarettes” awhile ago). I am still looking for candy cigarettes. I want all the candy cigarettes. All. I like the candy navigational buttons.

1999mar23. A tribute to the 3.5 gallon toilet bowl that will stir the patriotic pudding in your gut [via cosmodrome]

1999mar23. Privacy: Wouldn’t it be “fun” to turn over your driver’s license to a cashier everytime you wanted to purchase alcohol or cigarettes? You know, so they could swipe it through a little reader that would confirm your age. It’s all for the children. We have to protect the children.

1999mar24. This just came in over the Teletubby Wire: Wal-Mart is producing Telebutty knock-off dolls called “Bubbly Chubbies" - they sit on the shelves next to the originals. They’re being sued by Itsy Bitsy. The Bubbly Chubbies are purebred EVIL – you press the button on their tummies and their eyes light up BLOOD RED. This is not explained in the article, but then again, there is this quote.

But Rev Falwell has since denied “outing” the Teletubby, whose favourite pastimes tend to involve eating custard and skipping.

You see, Jerry? You two have a lot in common! Actually, I enjoy both of these activities as well. [groaner coming up ] Does that mean I’m a Teletubby?

1999mar24. Qui est Avril Mars? Rowr de Rowr!

1999mar24. This entry originally pointed to a news article in the Windsor Star about a controversial painting, which was included here really only because of the following phrases: “naked skinhead miners,” “full anal flaunt” and “Toronto-centric.” Then, seconds later, the url disappeared. Maybe it will pop up later – try it yourself. Oops, now it’s back. Ah.

1999mar24. I can’t get this damned speech out of my head. Anyone have a hammer?

1999mar24. You REALLY need to waste time at work? Unca Cecil put up all of his columns since May of 1994! Yikes!

1999mar24. Old Teletubbies Wire Update: TELECHOBIS

1999mar24. Americans: A Series. You stupid CHILDREN! You LEARNED the MANY PROCEDURES! Now SNITCH! SNITCH ON YOUR FELLOW CLASSMATE, COMRADES! Perhaps you would like to spend a night in the box! Okay! That’s it! Have it your way! You are ALL suspended! I hope you’ve learned your lesson! [via obscure store]

1999mar24. Penguins: King Penguins flying from Japan to Cincinnati

1999mar24. Slate is now available for free. Great. I am a big fan of Randy Cohen’s Newsquiz. Click. Click now.

Admin. I was going to make a nice big “Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog” sign for the top of this page then I realized that maybe this might create the wrong impression with your immediate supervisor as he or she passes by your monitor. “Sexy” is one of those words that sets off alarms with the suits. So let’s keep it low-key for now. Perhaps I will change the name to “The Extremely Important Job-Related Working For A Living Dragging The Line Double-Time, Boss” Weblog.

1999mar25. Sushi Wire: One school offers sushi for lunch, is “surprised” that it sold out??? [via obscure store]

1999mar25. What Death: The Webbies. [via obscure store]

1999mar25. Monsanto summary

1999mar25. Years ago, I suggested that the next big credit trend would be credit cards for kids. What I didn’t know is that the little bastards would get a better savings interest rate than my bank.

1999mar25. Earlier last year I received several “wrong-number” calls concerning the Phantom Universal all-in-one cable descrambler device. Prior to this barrage of calls, I had no idea what the “Phantom Universal” was. Apparently the person who had my phone number before me used to sell these things. I get the impression that they were “black market” devices and I can understand why my new friend never wanted to leave his phone number. It’s a shame when small businesses won’t support their clientele.

Nov 24. Call #1.

Yeah, I’m calling about the Phantom Universal ... I’m trying to return it, and no one is answering the phone ... (explanation goes on for two minutes)

He left no return phone number; I was at the whim of his next call. No. I do not want any more rambling Phantom Universal calls. I changed the outgoing message.

Hi, you’ve reached the phone number of a private residence. We have no idea what the Phantom Universal Unit is ... please stop calling! Thank you.

Nov 25. Call #2.

You have no idea what the Phantom is ... when everybody else has ordered and bought one from you? I’m just calling because you was supposed to pay return shipping on one that I returned cuz it didn’t work and you refused to pay it and after you told me you would you don’t answer the phone when anyone calls ...

Nov 25. Call #3.

Yeah, y’all bunch of a fucking liars ... and sooner or later you’re gonna have to answer the phone ...

Please note the incorrect use of “y’all.”I believe either of the following phrases would have been correct. I could be wrong.

“All y’all bunch of a fucking liars"
“Y’all’s a fucking liar.”

I also changed the outgoing message again.

This message is for the gentleman who keeps calling about the Phantom Universal Unit, I have no knowledge of said unit, you’ve been given a wrong number, please stop calling.

Nov 27. Call #4.

Yeah, yer a bunch of fucking pussies, you sell shit, and you must get in trouble for it ... act like you don’t know what I’m talking about ...

This is the correct use of “yer,” a contraction of “you are” – in this case, “you are a bunch of fucking pussies.”

Now normally, I don’t mind being called a pussy. But a bunch of fucking pussies? That was over the line. Now I went on the offensive, as I am wont to do. First, I changed my outgoing message again.

Howdy, you’ve reached [phone number], if you leave your name, address and phone number, we’ll get back with you.

Then I created a clipboard of handy things to say like “new employee” and “we’re sorry for any inconvenience,” etc, just in case he called again. I was ready to play it up, for one reason, and one reason only: to get his damned phone number, name, address, ANYTHING that would allow me to put his stats into my “prank until death” file. It’s a small, reasonable list of people who had to really work to get on it. In hindsight, I should have started on this path right away, but I didn’t know he was going to keep calling. I’ve learned my lesson. Perhaps I should get Caller ID.

Saturday we made “first contact,” as it were. I was still sleeping (it was 11am) so I tried, through the fog of half-sleep, to convince him that I was going to take care of everything if he’d just give me his stupid name and phone number. No dice. He hung up and never called again.

Pussy.

1999mar25. I bought some sushi at Trader Joe’s today along with a bunch of other stuff. So I had the sushi, and then immediately had a few Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Schoolhouse Cookies which just totally erased the taste memory of the sushi. That was dumb.

1999mar26. A fairly-extensive list of juggling as portrayed in the motion picture arts.

Cat People (1982)
The Cat People originated way back in time, when humans sacrificed their women to Leopards, who mated with them. Cat People look similar to humans, but must mate with other Cat People. We follow brother and sister – who seem to be the only ones of their kind left. This has a scene of about 30 seconds in which Nastassja Kinski does a very bad three ball cascade and half juggles 3 balls with Malcolm McDowell.

Side Show (1981)
Made for TV movie. Reported to contain juggling.

Streetwise (1984)
Gritty but poignant documentary looks at the lives of teenagers living on the streets of Seattle. It includes about two seconds of basic devil sticking.

Friday is always a slow day here at It’s The Extremely Sexy Cardhouse Weblog weblog.

1999mar26. [San Francisco] for-profit ValueStar explained.

1999mar26. Self-deprecating signs IN THE NEWS!

1999mar26. Gasoline GOOD news: MTBE gas-and-ground additive now banned in California

1999mar26. (dead news link) Gasoline BAD news: California gas prices go up AGAIN after second refinery explosion in a month (good luck finding anything under $1.45/gal)

1999mar26. Two Japanese articles in Neo-Tokyo for your reading pleasure: Fear of speaking Japanese in Japan and Japanese Valentine’s Day (and White Day) explained

1999mar26. Jenny Holzer has a “add/change truisms” page. She also has an online archive (you have to add/change a truism to get to the archive) that naturally has a full spectrum of maxim-oriented thought:

SLIPPING INTO MADNESS IS USUALLY A BIG MESS
A A A BOUGHT AND SOLD USED CARS PUTNEY
WE’RE ONE GUNSHOT AWAY FROM HAPPINESS
WALLACE WEARS BOYS PANTS
IT IS NICE TO MEET GIRLS IN PARK, BUT IT IS BETTER TO PARK MEAT IN GIRLS
AT TIMES INACTIVITY IS PREFERABLE TO MURDERING MONKEYS
EATING TOO MUCH IS COOL
FALLING FREE, YOU AND ME, I FEEL LOVE!
HATE MY WATCH? WELL IN A WAY BECAUSE ITS A 325 DOLLAR WATCH THAT MY EX GIRLFRIEND GAVE ME BUT AT THE SAME TIME I STILL ADMIRE ITS DESIGN AND IT KEEPS PERFECT TIME
SHORT MORONIC BUMPER STICKER MAXIM

I wonder who added that last one.

1999mar28. Mail.

What a lovely site – I found it through Cruel.Com and stayed to read all the in- consequential rubbish. Interesting wants list – I think I have the complete Monty Python 1 & 2 if it’s the scripts you’re after, although it’s been a long time since I looked. you’re welcome to them if you want them. Cheers, Drew

I told this guy that I wanted the scripts but he did not deliver them to me. He is a Native American Giver.

1999mar28. War Correspondence.

An article about Doc & the Mojave phone booth recently ran in the Serbo-Croatian version of PC World magazine. A Yugoslavian reader sent Doc some email and they have continued correspondence during the NATO bombing.

Subject: drop in anytime
Date: Tue, 23 Mar 1999 23:29:50 +0100

today the yu ministry of defense declared the state of emergency (state of direct war threat, literally translated)
there is a military installation not far from my home, so you can drop in with one of the bombers for a cup of coffee

anyway, i haven’t heard of the comic book author [back story: an Italian comic book author has indicated that the Mojave phone booth will be used in an upcoming story], but i’d like to get my hands on the croatian edition if it ever comes out

if i don’t get a nato bomb in my backyard for free

Subject: Re: drop in anytime
Wed, 24 Mar 1999 21:38:14 +0100

hi. guess what, they did it! they bombed areas of Pristina, Novi Sad, Podgorica and Bg. My mother dragged us all down to the atomic shelter, but me & dad came up with some story and went up to watch the news ... oops, my sister just came in, she said that cnn says there’s gonna be another, bigger strike ... i’ll check now ... catch you later, amigo!

v

Subject: Re: drop in anytime
Thu, 25 Mar 1999 11:06:38 +0100

another attack started at 9:30 this morning ... they’re playing old war movies on the three channels of the national tv. i’m staying at home this time, having decided it is pretty much safe ... i’ll check my mail regularly. what has washington said? i haven’t heard ...

v

Subject: Re: drop in anytime
Thu, 25 Mar 1999 23:29:25 +0100

>serb radio (unconfirmed report) is reporting (but you probably already know this) that at least one missile struck a building housing about 600 people near zarkovo.

it has to be a dud. i live less than 1km away from the center of zarkovo, and haven’t heard anything

>how are you & your family doing?

i slept from 5am-10am and they woke me up to get to the shelter (btw, the hit of the week are the Rolling Stones – ‘Give Me Shelter’). we’re all fine, no bombs here ...

v

Subject: Re:
Fri, 26 Mar 1999 15:35:16 +0100

>seems the reaction here is more or less, “what in hell are we getting into THIS time??”

the accent should be on the word WE ... people seem to easily take to heart that their goverment’s actions are their own, as well. they’re well programmed to defend their programmers, no matter what they do ... people do the same here – the goverment propaganda is a very strong and considerable force. it could as well make the serbs fight back with no chances to acomplish anything. there is a book by Borislav Pekic (yu author btw), called ‘Atlantis’. i wonder if you read it ...

greetings from the war zone,
v

Subject: Re:
Fri, 26 Mar 1999 15:41:30 +0100

interesting data: they’ve taken all the foreign (mostly american) movies out of the theatres. how far will they go in this media oppression (my spelling is terrible, i must stop to think at every fifth word or something, it must sound very crude) ...

v

Subject: wag the dog
Sat, 27 Mar 1999 16:40:44 +0100

last nite was packed with events, some funny, some scary ... at 9:30pm i was at home with a couple of friends discussing – you guess what – and i made a remark how we should see the movie ‘wag the dog’ (1997. i believe, dustin hoffman & robert deniro, here translated as ‘war against the truth’ with some dull trailer, of course i didn’t go to see it, besides i only watch cartoons in the movies – the other stuff is just too unserious), how we should rent it or something (it’s about the u.s. goverment making up the war in albania to turn the public attention from the sex scandal in the white house a few days before the elections). five minutes later – after the news on the tv programme we were watching comes an anouncement: “although we have never broken the rights of the publishers in screening films, blah blah, tonite we will show the movie ‘wag the dog’. [we laugh our heads off] (then comes the story in short). see for yourself what the american goverment (serbs always refer to the u.s. as america) is capable of doing to blah blah ... ” after that strange coincidence, just as i was preparing to have a quiet night watching the movie, two detonations sound-- shit! as i’m writing this, another detonation sounded – no alarm yet – catch you later!!

v

Subject: more
Sat, 27 Mar 1999 19:15:23 +0100

it seems to be clear now but officials say the raid isn’t over yet. i was just about to say that there was a very strong explosion last night, so strong i thought it was very near, like the neighbourhood was in flames ... it was pretty scary, but later i found out that the rocket fuel reservoir has been hit kilometres away ... it must have been bursting for hundreds of meters into the air, the whole area was lighted up ...

v

Subject: Re: more
Sun, 28 Mar 1999 00:37:50 +0100

i just came back from a room full of people engaged in a very heavy and scary conversation ... we are now for the first time struck with the thought of what will happen when these raids are over (i am deliberately trying not to use the term ‘war’, you probably understand why) ... this country will fall into utter poverty. i don’t suppose clinton had that in mind when he said he has nothing against the people of serbia and that they will not be hurt ... another thing – his official goal seems to be to turn the people against milosevic, but he forgets one thing – national propaganda – now the people are pissed against the u.s., and nobody even thinks about milosevic or the goverment. of course, those speeches weren’t transmitted over the national tv – RTS – here (70% of serbian population can only watch RTS1 & RTS2 and they are ‘wagging the dog’, keeping the moral up, and turning the people’s rage against the u.s.

however, most of the people in belgrade, including me, opposes the current goverment (see how important it is to be well informed), but they also oppose the nato (of course). myself, i currently feel like a guy who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time ... i have nothing for or against this country, except that i feel that it is sinking lower from year to year, and everybody adjusts, hoping it’ll get better. i feel like having to live on the frying pan, and now i’m really starting to feel the heat.

bomb you later
v

Subject: Re: addendum
Sun, 28 Mar 1999 01:54:15 +0100

>looks like that f-117 stealth fighter was shot down not far from you

i heard, but i didn’t believe it was true ... i used to play Microprose F117a on my old 286.. it’s one hell of a machine ...

v

1999mar28. Handle With Care Plus, where the “Plus” is me smacking you upside the head. [via obscure store]

1999mar28. Cigarette-themed Ebay auctions. Always good for a laugh. [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

1999mar29. My home state in the news ... I’m getting all misty-eyed here ... I remember those crazy college hi-jinks ... freezing cans of beer ... ripping up fences ...

1999mar29. Peep Research Center

1999mar29. IRS-CID agent questions legality of IRS, resigns [via flutterby]

1999mar29. So you’re typing really fast and you send a message to your friend at “hotmai.com” instead of “hotmail.com.” There is a “hotmai.com,” in IRAN. Does your message bounce? Anyone want to test this out? [via metacontent]

1999mar29. (dead news link) I have an idea. How about making living space at Wal-Mart for everyone who shops there. Then, all you creep-ass megaconsumers wouldn’t have to even leave “the house” to max out your credit card. Shop, fatties. SHOP FOR MANY CHEAP COLORFUL PRODUCTS

1999mar29. Is it really a crime to want to spread the glad tidings of BOUNCE and VOLUME at cut-rate prices? I think not.

1999mar29. Privacy: This is “middle of the road"? Endorsing a national ID?

1999mar30. This just came in over our Wow, Really? Wire: JOURNALISTS BELIEVE MEDIA LACK CREDIBILITY

1999mar30. (dead news link) Long-distance companies agree: it’s easier and more profitable to set up an industry-funded third-part complaint division to handle complaints of illegal “slamming” than it is FOR THE MONEY-GRUBBING TELCOS TO JUST STOP SLAMMING PEOPLE, but I guess that’s just life in RED TAPE LAND

1999mar30. (dead news link) “Okay, what can we get this guy on ... ” “Ummmm, he doesn’t have any insurance?” “YES! He does NOT have insurance! That was a close one.”

1999mar30. The rich have always impressed me with what they spend their money on. Great choice, rich people! A toast ... to THE RICH!

1999mar31. Everyone needs a Hooligan Tool [via flutterby]

1999mar31. Why does gas in California cost so much again? I mean, beyond the refinery explosions.

1999mar31. Fake facts (scroll down a bit)

1999mar31. Poor, misguided soul. [via memepool]