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Cardhouse
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1999jan02. I have created the Official Cardhouse Song Of 1999.

The Stairway of The Edmund Fitzgerald
[all lines are from either song save the second and last one.]

[melody: The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald]
There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
and she’s buying the Edmund Fitzgerald

There’s a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
And you know sometimes words have two meanings
And late that night when the ship’s bell rang
Could it be the north wind they’d been feelin’?

And it’s whispered that soon, if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
As the big freighters go, it was bigger than most
With a crew and good captain well seasoned

When suppertime came, the old cook came on deck
Sayin’ “Fellas, it’s too rough to feed ya”
In the tree by the brook there’s a songbird who sings
he said ”Fellas, it’s been good to know ya”

They might have split up or they might have capsized,
They may have broke deep and took water
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forest will echo with laughter

[rockin’ part] And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our souls
And the iron boats go as the mariners all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
And farther below Lake Ontario
Takes in what Lake Erie can send her
[you may think the previous line is a fudge, but
Page and Plant fared no better in this area]
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll
Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she’s buying the Edmund ... Fitzgerald ...

[break into disco extravaganza from “MacArthur Park”
here, with a deft segue into “Live or Let Die,” end
with machine gun sample from ”Love Missile F1-11"]

1999jan06.

i AM WORKING ON BECOMING THE hELEN kELLER EXPERT OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY. I CAME TO YOUR VERY NICE WEB SITE BECAUSE YOU WERE LISTED UNDER HK JOKES, BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM; HAVE FOUND 189,359 HK REFERENCES BUT VERY FEW JOKES. NOW I WANT TO TELL YOU HK WAS A VERY FUNNY WOMAN AND HAD A VAUDEVILLE ACT WITH TEACHER. IF YOU HAVE ANY HK STUFF YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE WOULD YOU? I LOVE YER HOUSE AND PROMISE YOU AN AUTOG. COPY OF MY BOOK. THANK YOU
BECKY V

Yelling loudly is used on foreigners, Becky, not blind people. Anyway, here are some Helen Keller jokes.

How many Helen Kellers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.

Helen Keller walks into a bar, bartender says “We don’t serve Helen Keller here.” She leaves.

What happened when Helen Keller’s solo flight around the world ditched into the Pacific Ocean?
That was Amelia Earhart.
Oh. Sorry.

Tom Cruise is SO gay.

Why does Helen Keller have difficulty navigating around her household?
Because she’s dead.

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Helen Keller!
Come in Helen, we’ve been expecting you!

1999jan07. This is not a solution.

This is a nice little portable web browser machine that costs $500 yet can only be used 500 feet from the “base unit.”I don’t want to be tied down to a “base unit.”I want to go all over the world with my little webpad, pointing at things, surfing Superbad in San Francisco and The Finger in Fresno, wherever, whatever. I would never be lost – I could just pull into a Starbucks, surf some crappy navigation site, and then leave without buying any coffee neener neener. And I would store all my stuff on the web, so I wouldn’t have to swim through a paper sea every time I come home. That’s how important this machine, this very-close-to-what-I-want-but-not-quite machine is. Very, very important. And it should make ice cream. And kittens that you could just give to strangers. “Here’s a kitten,” you could say, handing this person or that person a brand-spanking new manufactured kitten. Then, while they’re all distracted by the cute little ball of fur, you bump them and take their wallet. I call it the Kitten Of Distraction Webpad Machine And Don’t Forget The Ice Cream Port. Oh, and maybe a KEYBOARD [laughing hysterically].

1999jan13. Found photo.

(contributed by Deuce of Clubs)

Hahahahaha! Oh, grandma, you’re such a kidder! Such a kidder ... such a ... you’re kidding, right? You ARE paying my way, right? Grandma? GRANDMA??? Where’s the *#&%! MONEY, GRANNIE!??!?

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

Heh ... heh ... I still got it ... now THAT’S a composition ... oh yeah ... who’s hot? Who’s hot? I am, that’s who. Lookit the lines on THAT baby ... HOTCHA!

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

This one is TOO GOOD for a caption.

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

Hold on, I’ll get it. (It’s the Hilton.) You wanted what? One THOUSAND paintings, for one dollar EACH, not ONE painting for one THOUSAND dollars? Yeah, yeah, I’ll tell her.

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

Hey, Tony’s gonna take our picture, honey! Give ’em your good side! Oh, I just remembered: you ain’t GOT no good side! HAW HAW HAW! Haw ha haaa ... ha. Ahem. Shit. [click]

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

I can’t think of anything funny for this one. I’m just going to sit here and eat my stupid Assorted Fruit Jellies and pout. I hate fruit jellies, I don’t know why I bought this crap. Especially the white ones. What “fruit” is white? Maybe it’s a light yellow. I think that pinball machine is “Fire,” which had a pretty nice playing field. Ewww, grapefruit? Who wants a goddamned Assorted Grapefruit Fruit Jelly?

1999jan13. Found photo.

(Contributed by Bigrig Industries.)

I think this guy was everyone’s seventh-grade shop teacher.

1999jan16. You all have probably heard that Swatch has come up with a new "Internet time" based upon the ”Swatch beat”; one “Swatch beat” is equal to approximately one minute and 26.4 earth seconds. The new time’s meridian reference point is coincidentally located at Swatch International HQ. Swatch has also created a downloadable internet time display module for web sites to display; CNN.com is currenty using it. But as we all excitedly stampede toward internet time, what sort of cultural implications does this entail? As an example, I’ve converted ”Rock Around the Clock” by Bill Haley & The Comets, universally recognized as the initial pioneers in a long-dead art form once identified as “Rock ’n’ Roll.” Here I’ve assumed for the conversion that Bill originally rocked around an Eastern Standard Time clock, as Bill Haley was born in E.S.T.-based Michigan.

Bill Haley & The Comets
Rock Around The Clock

[Converted to Swatch beats; all times are E.S.T.]

791, 833, 875 Swatch beats, 916 Swatch beats rock,
958, zero, 41 Swatch beats, 83 Swatch beats rock,
125, 166, 208 Swatch beats, 250 Swatch beats rock,
We’re gonna rock around the clock tonight.

Put your glad rags on and join me hon’,
We’ll have some fun when the clock strikes 791.

chorus: We’re gonna rock around the clock tonight,
We’re gonna rock, rock, rock, ‘till broad daylight,
We’re gonna rock around the clock tonight.

When the clock strikes 833, 875 and 916,
If the band slows down we’ll yell for more.

(chorus)

When the chimes ring 958, zero, and 41,
We’ll be right in seventh heaven.

(chorus)

When it’s 83, 125, 166, 208 too,
I’ll be goin’ strong and so will you.

(chorus)

When the clock stikes 250 we’ll cool off then,
Start rockin’ ‘round the clock again.

--------

Also, don’t forget to click on the doggie, it will take a little animated piss which is so damned appropriate I may just scream in delight.

1999jan17. Mail.

HELLO do you remember me. i’m arts who talk with you in morning how ‘re you to day i hope you will enjoy and have a nice day OH 1 point { take care yourself } see you next time

Arts! Who could forget! Arts ... ARTSSSSSSSS ... where’s that ten bucks you owe me, G? { give me my money }

1999jan20. Mail.

Hiya. I wanta psychic reading! I’m a little worried that anyone who wastes so much time building a webpage as crappy as mine needs help. Let me know:

My car currently contains: 3 half-empty travel mugs full of cold tea. Kickboxing gloves. Pile of old napkins from Taco Hell, 1 first aid kit the size of a steamer trunk, 1 rollerblade, 1 FarSide calendar, 1 book on Banzai trees, 3 cans of coconut milk and the complete score to Vivaldi’s “Gloria.”

Help?
Livi (of Wagnerian fame) H.

Hrmmmm ... I am getting a sense of a life that is “out-of-balance” ... but “down-to-earth.” I am also getting a reading, something about BOXING ... is it “KICK” BOXING, sport of the future? I cannot say at this time.

I am also getting a psychic premonition of a building, no, of actually building, as in the verb. Are you a construction worker? Perhaps this is an avenue oployment that would agree with you.

I see some sort of bizarre mix of COLD TEA and COLA NUT MILK, no, scratch that, COCONUT MILK swirling around, this could be a new taste sensation that you will devise in the near future while listening to ... while listening to I WILL SURVIVE by GLORIA GAYNOR.

Now I am seeing a TINY FOREST ... morphing into a set of dainty napkins. Maybe this is a sign that forestry would be a better career choice, maybe not.

Oh! oh! This is very bad. I am sensing ... I am sensing an ACCIDENT in your future, yes, that’s right, an ACCIDENT ... but you are prepared for this emergency, somehow, I think. That is all we have time for today.

1999jan21. I have been thinking. I do that occasionally. Where are all the GOOD hackers? By “good” I mean hackers of a higher moral standing. Like for example, you’re working on some corporate site, and you don’t have time to make all the links work, so you go home for the night ... and then the GOOD HACKERS attack. They fix your broken links, clean up your pages, and add some delightfully appropriate icons to round out the site.

Just another day of unsurpassed excellence for the GOOD HACKERS.

1999jan25. I had a dream last night that I was helping a bunch of “hep” college-type kids dock a boat and some of them were in this band that had sung a type of a hybrid song and I mentioned that The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald and Staiway To Heaven fit pretty well together and they thanked me in their perky, squeaky little college voices, the ones that make you want to pick up an oar and hurt, HURT WITH BLINDING SPEED, STUPID DREAM-STATE COLLEGE KIDS!! In one way or another, this means that the contest is over. I have chosen not to release the names of the winners or the imaginary college kids and their next-of-kin out of respect for their privacy. Fare thee well, dead college kid dream constructs, fare thee well!

Also I’m starting to get sick of tuna fish.

1999jan25. “One, we deeply regret any loss of civilian lives or civilian casualties or injuries. Secondly, we do everything humanly possible to prevent that, and thirdly, and most important, the ultimate reason and cause for these casualties is Saddam Hussein.”

-- Gen. Anthony Zinni, commander of U.S. forces in the Persian Gulf, on the errant U.S. missile and combat philosophy, pushing really fucking hard for Lying Through My Teeth Quote Of 1999

1999jan28. So I went strolling through the Webby Awards nominees list just now. Jodi.org is in “Arts,” and Superbad is in “Weird"? And check out this list for the “Print and Zines” category: Feed, Nerve, Salon, Slate, and Smithsonian Magazine.

“Dude, check out this Pavement interview in Slate!!!!”
“No way, I’m reading all about the crappy, mind-destroying temp job the editor of the Smithsonian has!”

Either way, I’m really pumped to find out who’s going to win those stupid little shock absorbers. ”Good work, Mr. Superbad, here’s a SHOCK ABSORBER.”

1999jan31. I have been thinking. Here is my idea for a new mail format that you will like. I don’t have a name for it yet. But say you’re writing an email message, and you send it out, and JUST AFTER you send it out you realize you’ve got something sitting in your copy buffer that you were going to paste in the message but now it’s too late and you don’t want to send a separate email message because it looks tacky. So instead, you click a little “catch and append” button, and this new piece of mail goes looking for the old piece of mail and attaches itself. Wouldn’t that be THE BEE’S KNEES?