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1999feb02. Mail.

I know what the Stupidest Thing In The Whole World is. Would you like to know? Of course you would.

Apparently some filthy rich businessman decided that he had so much money that he couldn’t think of any more ridiculous things to do with it. Thus, he set out to create a completely useless art object. He succeeded quite brilliantly, I would say.

The Stupidest Thing In The Whole World is supposed to represent a tree. Yes, you read corectly, a tree. And those broken-egg things around the bottom? They now have metal cut-outs of hatching baby dinosaurs.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Livi H.

I don’t think I want to visit the Stupidest Thing In The Whole World anymore.

1999feb05. Okay, I’m a little late in announcing this, but this month is CANADIAN MONTH!!!

All Canadian websurfers will be allowed to peruse Cardhouse AT PAR!!! That means that one Canadian dollar EQUALS one American dollar! Come on in, Canadians, and enjoy THE CARDHOUSE!

1999feb05. It just occured to me, as it has occasionally, that I haven’t been dancing in over a year now. I like to blast the phunky phresh phat phbeats all over the hell these days, and perhaps sometime I will go to the last remaining club in San Francisco and “get down” with my “horrible self.” And I am thinking that when I do this, I will probably just keel over right there, dead of a Massive Attack massive heart attack – and that will give Wiley Brown the excuse he needs to close down the last club. And the loft yuppies will be happy, because there will be no more noise, and Wiley will be happy, because he’s evil, and I will be happy, because I will be dead. But not as happy as I would be if I were dead in CANADA!!!!

1999feb05. Canadian REVENGE

Privacy: Best place to sign up to protest the FDIC’s invasive Know-Your-Customer law

Privacy: A list of exciting current legislative innovations in the rapidly-growing field of biometric and personal statistical harvesting for your new life in The United Security Agency!

(dead news link) Privacy: Something like this should explode into national consciousness but will instead wilt in a corner and be forgotten [via robot wisdom]

Most perfectest prom theme EVER

USA! USA! USA! America #1 ... in PANCAKE RACIN’

Now just cut the other 19 shows and you’ve got a PERFECT season! [via obscure store]

Pancakes: Transatlantic Pancake Contest. If it’s news, and it’s about pancakes, Cardhouse is THERE.

Driving right not privilege

Military: Swallow this. Believe it. It’s cheap. It’s here. Goldurnit, citizens will have their own pocket lasers to bring down Russkie missiles! It’s going to cost less than a talking ham sandwich! LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU, SOLDIER! [m]

No ... really ... all we want to see is the click-throughs on ads. That’s all. Free PC. Come ‘n’ get it, slobs. [via robot wisdom]

Picture of smokin’ monkey: always funny.

Retro panda toaster is Y2k compliant! [godtodd]

There’s something that warms the heart about these speak-out-of-turn-go-to-jail cases ... [via obscure store]

Pranks: Review of Monica’s book ... before release [via obscure store]

Baseball card defacing party! [via robot wisdom]

Canadian DURABILITY

Canadian SERIAL DINERS

Pancakes: Pancake Robot (Yummie profits, too!)

Pancakes: Pancakes Across America

(dead news link) Pancakes: Russian’s Maslenitsa (Butter Week)

(dead news link) Privacy: Getting tough with Know-Your-Customer law

Privacy: Vile Biometric Harvesters

Privacy: Oops! You’re in jail! Bad SSN, BAD!

Privacy: State-by-state SSN/print requirements

Monsanto will sell you insecticides then sell you genetically-altered seeds that resist the poison. That’s ... SCIENCE! [via robot wisdom]

Words (journal)

Mp3spy

Digital pulp fiction postcards

Blue HaWagner

Pranks: A look back at the Mac&Cheese auction

Glubco Weaponry

Hacking Barney [m]

Pranks: Ebay CSoTY award sold on ... Ebay (Smug)

Smarter Feller archive (Eggers)

SF Bay Guardian’s 10 worst corporations of 1998

New snazzy eyesaw fonts [tf]

A look back at A Very Special Leisuretown to salute the new Dilbert TV show [censored by Dilberty lawyers]

UK’s Bizarre Magazine “Ask Bizarre” column

Heath Bunting

Barracuda Magazine

Girl Trouble

Internet Weather

Spinner

Matsuda Family

Tom-B

WebScout

Daedalus Books

More Like This

Foresight Exchange

Risks Digest

Gamestorm

Online Games

Steve Mann

Irational.org

Cafe Society

Drudge Retort

Betalounge

Jamie

Wagner’s Honeymoon

Berkeley Meat Parade

The Neighbarhood

1999feb07. THESE COLORS DON’T RUN – today’s topic is the color scheme of this website. Good? Bad? Looking for something in white? Chartreuse? SPEAK OUT/UP! You have the freedom to do so. Exercise that freedom! But not too much, because then you’ll get arrested. Perhaps you should balance it with safety. I’m thinking a lot of safety, and maybe a smidgen, just a touch of freedom. I mean, freedom to work, freedom to watch TV, freedom to pay taxes, freedom to just be the best goddamn consumer you can be! I think it’s pretty much the same in Canada, but you have to listen to April Wine and Bryan Adams a lot more.

1999feb12. Canadian INGENUITY

1999feb14. Travel collages by some Canadian guy

1999feb16. Okay, everything is back to normal now. Just like I said. I promised ya, and sure as shootin’, we’re back in business. Ready. To serve you. Big ass deal. The e-commerce section, however, still has a few minor problems, we’re trying to get the retinal scan plug-in working ...

1999feb17. Mail.

Dear Sir,

We ourselves takes opportunity to introduce ourselves that we AL-MUSAHA AL-MUSHTARAKA CO, Kuwait since last 15 years in diversified businesses and specilised in polystyrene insulation related products.

I would like to request you that we would like to import the machinery for producing various sizes as 4 cm, 5 cm, 7.5 cm respectively of styroform insulation sheets. And appreciated if you give us your range of products catalogues, prices, etc., particularly welcomed for samples of styropor low density blocks raw material. If it is not possible please indicate us about the addresses those who are suppling the polystyrne (beads or Granules) raw material.

Thank you in advance and looking further to hearing from you soon.

With regards,

Raju S. Prasad
Factory Manager

1999feb17. Canadian software lets you surf anonymously

1999feb20. (dead news link) City To Avoid At All Costs

1999feb20. Important Canadian Participaction documents including the breakthrough ”Effects of Plain Packaging Among Youth,” a steal at twenty dollars – and that’s twenty CANADIAN dollars, my friend.

1999feb21. Mail. Actual mail received in the post.

Dearest Cardhouse: I would like to take advantage of CANADIAN MONTH and would like a MACROS for the low low price of one Canadian “Loonie"

To prop up the lame value of the Loonie, I offer a couple of canuk links to make up the difference:

BAD CANADIANS

GOOD CANADIANS

- Mita

Bad news, Mita. Your letter arrived at Cardhouse HQ sans Loonie. I can see from the envelope scrapings that A) this Loonie was very dirty and B) it travelled very far before it was swiped. I will honor this request. I am amused by this clear instance of mail tampering, although my detective-like skills have not enabled me to determine on what side of the border this trangression occurred. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you Loonie-sending Canadians: if you are going to send Loonies, send them wrapped in odd-shaped cardboard and taped tight so Mr. Peek-A-Boo postal inspector doesn’t get a nice tip. Personally I can’t imagine how a one and two-dollar coin is more useful than bills. Perhaps there are more magicians in Canada.

1999feb21. Mail.

you fuckers are so smug. [snicker]
That little czec kid saved so many lives, and you bastards are so full of your own web-literate selves. grimm grimm grimm you monkey shitbirds your arrogance will bite U in the ass. Oh yeah, I’m horribly drunk.

Origin/name unknown – perhaps it was from CANADA!

1999feb21. Missing phrase of the day: “Entrapment" [via obscure store]

1999feb22. Doc: Stripper Bingo!

1999feb22. Airline passengers have extremely horrible taste (or maybe this is just what’s been passed over) [m]

1999feb22. I think probably the next thing to do is just to seize cars when someone’s speeding. Because you never know how many people a speeder might kill. And what about people who drive a little slow as well? The police should take those cars, too. And what about property? Isn’t domestic violence the leading cause of murder in this country? Perhaps we should just turn over our homes to the police. It’s all for the best.

1999feb22. Privacy: What privacy?

1999feb22. Missing phrase of the day: “Conflict of interest" [via robot wisdom]

1999feb22. Pranks: Kiddie auction [tf]

1999feb22. It’s okay for the US to have super-spy satellites but it’s not okay for THE CANADIANS [via robot wisdom]

1999feb22. Sushi Sushi Sushi Sushi [m]

1999feb23. What America Needs More Of: Direct, Eye-Catching Political Statements. Could you imagine someone doing this in the U.S.? They’d be branded as “terrorists” and killed, or maybe they’d have their cars taken away from them. Oh, I almost forgot – get ready to eat gentically-modified foodstuffs 24/7 thanks to the United States ...

1999feb23. Big Brother UK: Hope you don’t look like a criminal!

1999feb23. The Wall O’ Shame

1999feb23. Shoes on I-5

1999feb24. NASA’s favorite moneypit, errr, NATIONAL TREASURE, needs more repairs [via robot wisdom]

1999feb24. "Now you need to play the harried CNN reporter speaking about the invasion of the United St--I mean, the hypothetical unstable developing nation!” [via robot wisdom]

1999feb24. Pranks: Everyone enjoys the wit and wisdom of Bil Keane

1999feb24. Make your own damn M&M colors ... it only costs about as much as umm, let’s see ... what costs ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE DOLLARS these days? A GPS does. Yes. It costs as much as a GPS, for example. UPDATE: do NOT be fooled by the repeated use of the word “blend” – what they mean is that if you choose four different colors, then you will GET four different colors, not a blend of the colors. Which means that this interface is completely pointless – as has been pointed out to me by two people, there are speciality shoppes that carry color- separated M&M’s in such a wide spectrum (including an M&M shoppe in Las Vegas), and you don’t have to plop down 195 clams to get your favorite crappy color. I thought the web was supposed to move toward MICROpayments, not MACROpayments. Jerks.

1999feb24. Canadian BAD BLOOD: Good luck sticking anything to that bastard

1999feb24. (dead news link) Your Tax Dollars Not At Work

1999feb25. Donut Domain Survey (part 2).

(2002 April update. Most of the donut sites that were listed here are gone, victims of their own greed and poor planning. What were they thinking, buying Aeron chairs instead of real, actual donuts? Who would want to pay $8.00 in shipping for a fifty-cent donut? Did anyone watch those e-donut commercials during the Superbowl? No. No one did. And thus, the great exalted future era of electronically-ordered donuts came to a spectacular and crashing end. I hope you were smart enough to move your money before the donut bubble burst).

www.e-donut.com
I got all excited when I found out about e-donut.com. I thought this might be an e-commerce site that primarily traded donuts. You could speculate with virtual crullers, boston cremes, etc, and then when you had to cash out it would be in donuts. However, there is nothing there. Nothing.

www.dunkindonuts.org
This has nothing to do with Dunkin’ Donuts, but however is a “Consumer Opinion” web site that collects customer comments and such. Good for stomach-turning quite-possibly-true customer horror stories.

www.donutquest.com
A quest for donuts is indeed a noble one. However, this site has little to do with donuts. At least, I don’t think there are many donuts on the site – it features just about every cockamamie “special effect” that web losers around the world highly cherish including the ever-present midi background. This site includes pictures of the Northridge quake, special information on street gangs, “Warez,” etc.

www.amyjoydonuts.com
This was a big staple of my youth. It looks like someone scanned an old Amy Joy box and then forgot to do anything else with the website. But that’s how it goes on the world-wide web. Perhaps you’ve noticed.

www.apple-donuts.com
This site, of course, is where you can get updates for mac os8.5. Don’t ask me. Perhaps “donuts” are some sort of new plug-in or helper module? I regret my move to the PC more and more everyday.

www.dunkindonutssucks.com
Doesn’t have any web pages associated with it. I read a news article awhile back that said corporations were buying up domains like this so no one else could use them. But there is no fuckdunkindonuts.com, for example, or dunkindonutscrammedupmyass.com for that matter. There is a myriad of possibilities when considering obscenity-laced Dunkin’ Donuts-disparaging domains, including dunkindonutscockring.com and ratscrawlingallthehelloverdunkindonutsdonuttraysjesushchristyougoddamnratsge toffthedonutsgetoffthedonutsseveralexclamationpoints.com.

www.411donuts.com
”Yo! Homie! What’s the donuts 411?”

I do not know, my friend. 411donuts.com will give me no donut information today. It has all the elements of a site that wants to tell me where the donuts are located, but does not.

www.bagofdonuts.com
Bag of Donuts is a New Orleans-based rock band with a severe identity crisis. There is one band member dressed up as Gene Simmons in full Kiss make-up. There is another member who is wearing a large watermelon headgear contraption. And so on. Visuals are good for distraction.

www.bestdonutman.com
This site features outrageously-large donuts that are available for ordering. These donuts are bigger than your head and cost forty dollars. This is mostly what’s wrong with America today. Someone, somewhere, decides to take something quintessentially American, like the donut, and blow it all the fuck out of proportion. “Super size it,” Bestdonutman.com seems to be saying, but I can’t hear him. I CANNOT HEAR YOU, BESTDONUTMAN.COM!!!!

www.daddysouldonut.com
Yet another band, but this band does not dress up in silly costumes. I am not sure what type of music they play. Here’s a bit of the bio: “Four musicians with varied backgrounds forming a band may not be unusual, but crafting a palatable sound from a myriad of resources such as grunge, fusion, reggae, celtic, a little punk, and even some country, is certainly out of the ordinary and often nothing short of a miracle.” So halleijifegh(sic) for the miracle of DONUTS.

www.delphidonut.com
I’ll let the site explain itself: “I am the Donut --Delphi Donut. My mom and dad call me that because I reminded my dad of a chocolate-iced white donut. My first name is Delphi--we pronounce it “Delfee” and I’m named after some computer gobbledygook my dad works with. I guess you could say I was named after my dad’s main interests--food and computers!” Well, I guess just be glad your dad doesn’t use Visual Basic, kid. There’s a great infinite donut background on this site. Steal it. I won’t say anything. STEAL!

www.digitaldonut.com

The first page is off to a great start, with the proclamation “World Wide Compendium of Important Donut And Donut Related Issues” and then there’s nothing else there. Nothing.

www.donut-andalucia.com
Esto está en español. No puedo leer español. Es muchos conseguidos seguros de materia en él. Es demasiado malo yo no puede leer a español.

www.irondonut.com
This site allegedly has nothing on it, but I have located THIS secret page because I am a dedicated civil servant. This has nothing to do with donuts, however.

I think that is enough donut domains for now.

1999feb26. Mail.

When I was unable to find candy cigarettes a couple of years ago, I ordered some from candydirect.com. If you’re getting desperate you could try them--but they only sell them by the case, so it can get expensive. And your peers can get really tired of you pushing candy cigs on them all the time.

I am extremely over candy cigarettes now. This is what happens, not that I’m not grateful: I get interested in something, tell a bunch of people, then I’m swamped with free samples from my loving friends. Then I put it aside for months, and maybe someday I get around to putting the article up. Someday.

1999feb26. Mail.

Hey Mark. Uh, long time lister, first time caller, or something. I’ve really been enjoying Canadian Month, and am going to be quite devastated when March first rolls around. I came across a site yesterday that I thought would be appropriate for the ‘ol weblog:

http://www.standonguard.com/

I’m not sure if it’s as funny for non-Canadians, but it does provide a new perspective on the freedom/privacy investigations ...

I was going to end this message by saying along the lines of “keep up the good work!,” but that would be pretty hokey, eh?

Jason

I was going to say “okay, I will!” but since you didn’t say “keep up the good work!” I will not. Say it, that is.

I love the Future Territory Map.

1999feb26. Canadians CONSIDER THE FUTURE (a Canadian submission!)

1999feb27. Kibo’s Fake Dr. Pepper Roundup

1999feb27. Airtoons

1999feb27. World Paper Money (check out Antarctica)

1999feb27. Canadian paper money

1999feb28. Mail.

Dear Suhs (I am writing from Alabami so try to remember your Foghorn Leghorn as you read):
I cannot make up my mind whether I am vexed or perplexed this sunny morn. And, having eaten everything fast food has to offer (chicken, burgers, tacos, chicken tacos, tacoburgers – wait, not everything ... I’ve never had a Big Mac with a condom on it), I am looking to you to make my mind up for me.

The problem is that in my effort to discover a “Manifesto on/about/for/consisting of Bologna,” all I ran into were these friggin’ (see deSade) websites in Italian. Do I look like I can read ITALIAN!

The answer is no.

And I say that the compilation of search engines named “Dogpile” is aptly tagged.

Naturally, I figured to step back from the problem. How about a search for “baloney,” what I was really looking for all along! Sure. Top notch thinking.

Results: a site on health care initiatives (“Stop the baloney from killing our construction workers?”), one on lesbians (I don’t want to go there ... I mean, lesbians, okay. Baloney, great. Baloney AND lesbians?!), and some links to skepticism (which, for me, would have amounted to an endless feedback loop).

Finally, a jab at Yahoo!, that pile of dog itself. How in the world can a search engine call itself Yahoo! when it returns ZERO MATCHES TO THE KEYWORD BALONEY! even if it is attached to manifesto. I am not asking you write any baloney manifesto. I’m sure you would not. After all, your fridge is completely stocked with donuts and toast and that tuna salad you conveniently forgot to eat in time. But, if you do know of strategic members of the armed forces or GOP who could be knocked off to alleviate my angst, please set the wheels in motion.

Another loyalist subscriber,
Fred T

I cannot help you with your quest for baloney. I can empathize with the burning in your soul – I wanted to go the Baloney Festival in Prince, Michigan, some years ago, as you can see here. But I had bigger non-baloney fish to fry. Perhaps you could visit there and deliver some sort of trip report? That would be a good idea.

1999feb28. Mail.

Really getting into International Prank Calls! (Rare chance to use the dozens of foreign dirty words I know.) Have you tried this yet? (Somebody told me “You’ll be sorreee!” I this true?

You seem to have a grasp on what is true, altho what you’re doing with your other hand, I won’t imagine.

Fred T

Isn’t that kind of expensive? This is very true, I think.

1999feb28. Missing phrase of the day: “lawlessness"

1999feb28. Hypothesis: A small police force can close down a vibrant community on the flimsiest of excuses. Experimentation proves hypothesis.