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1999dec01. Stop working already. And this link might not work either – it’s a Getting It Horribly Confused URL.

1999dec01. You know, we’d label the frankenfood, but you’re too stupid to understand what it means. Now shut up and eat.

1999dec01. Drinky Crow. A story for children.

1999dec02. A picture of a man with a large crescent wrench going through his cheek. Also pictures of men with a cheek-puncturing gas pump nozzle, a gun, and a shovel, among other implements. This is going to be the next hot new youth fad in America.

1999dec02. "Let the healing begin.” “Hut hut hut huthuthut HUT HUT ... “

1999dec02. “However, we are plowing through every possible three letter combination of the code. But since there are seventeen thousand permutations it’s going to take us about two and a half days to transmit them all.”

1999dec03. Whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down! What about that great RJ Reynolds flavor-flav?

1999dec03. "You knew him as the host of the popular brain-dead game show ‘Match Game’. But did you also know he pioneered the BLANK morning drive-time DJ format?” Heavy trading on the world’s death pool markets today.

1999dec03. Description of WTO riots [via My Dog Wants To Bite The Radio]

1999dec03. More HOT SEATTLE ACTION!

1999dec03. This is Mark Bakalor’s weblog. All he needs now is a picture of himself somewhere on the page.

1999dec05. "NATOarts is an international arts organization which seeks to promote global security and stability through the exhibition of works of conceptual art.”

1999dec05. (dead news link) (dead news link) Summary of the West Nile virus

1999dec05. GettingIt: WTO: “What it all really means"

1999dec05. Compassion. Caring. LAPD. “The dead man found in a Lexus sport utility vehicle in Brentwood is not a celebrity or otherwise well-known person.”

1999dec05. Well, it’s December of 1999, that means there’s less than 31 shopping days until Y2k. I know, I know, you’re sick of hearing about it, but I thought I’d “check in” with this little smarmy observation. It’s probably going to be a pain in the ass to get around town and buy things during the last week of this year because of all the panicky idiots and New Year’s party preppers. My suggestion here is to actually stockpile enough of your basic living crap now to avoid the Y2k T Minus One Week shopping/travelling clusterfuck. Or T Minus Two Weeks, let’s throw Christmastime in there as well. Or move immediately into a hardened decomissioned floral-scented missile silo. Thank you.

1999dec06. Word Work: Pawnbroker

1999dec06. Moving a pinball machine

1999dec06. Techno monks [via Megan]

1999dec06. Traffic school. The most important article you will read this week. There’s a lesson here for all of us. [via some “weblog” thing]

1999dec06. Pepper spray for the non-violent protestors ‘cause the violent ones are dangerous, see.

1999dec06. Atman tells you how to block ads in Netscape under Linux the E-Z way.

1999dec07. Lying in frog urine? Covering your head with cockroaches? How freaking tame. You’re WEAK, Lima, WEAK! Japan kicks your flaccid reality show ass!

1999dec07. FEMA making some Y2k party preparations.

1999dec07. [Deuce of Clubs] As if it’s not enough that most judges are morons, some of them try to be FUNNY.

1999dec07. PANCAKES ACROSS AMERICA is BACK! YES! YESA! YES! Also, YES!

1999dec07. FAIR: More WTO police goon squad details

1999dec07. Hey, didja know I ate at one of the restaurants featured in Pancakes Across America? Didja? Yeah! At the Mary & Moe’s Wigwam Restaurant, Casino & Indian Museum in Fernley NV. You know, “Where all good friends meet for ‘HEAP GOOD” food!”? You’ve probably been there as well. The “Morning [Sun]Light” is now up to $5.25 but includes two eggs any style, hash brown potatoes, one hot cake, and bacon, ham, or sausage. Other breakfast names include “Sleeping Moon,” “Walking Hungry,” “Daze Start,” and “Heap Big Breakfast.”

1999dec07. This Ponzi scheme ain’t working right. Maybe if they made it so’s you had to be OLDER to get your money, maybe that would work?

1999dec07. Ebay: It’s free trade, see.

1999dec07. A Didgeridoo Christmas. [via Brunching Shuttlecocks]

1999dec07. This whole hippie didgeridoo/drum phenomenon reminds me of a guy I saw playing the Theremin the other month. He sucked, really really horrid and all that, but you know, it was sort of hard to tell. If you pick up an instrument that has actual levers or holes that you have to depress or cover up or whatever in some “musical” sequence, and you actually DO it, then that’s showing a bit of talent. Whereas if you make poopy noises with a didgeridoo, or weird electronic noises with your Theremin, or bang on one drum endlessly without remorse, you apparently don’t even have to be REMOTELY close to anything musical. Now that I’m in California I’m seeing these drumming types all over the place, like infestations or something. Cropdusting, is what I’m advocating here.

1999dec07. Cheap Toy Roundup 1999

1999dec07. Whip-cracking noise. Whip-cracking noise.

1999dec07. "Do drugs, kids, and you’ll be blown away by a Howitzer.” It’s an educational tool. It’s also in the fun-fun-funtime Parade of Lights!

1999dec07. WTO pictures show police gassing/spraying seated protestors [via Looka]

1999dec08. The Stone Face: Fragments of An Earlier World

1999dec08. I can’t get any sfx from that damned online pachinko machine. But you can launch tons of balls, one after the other. That is good.

1999dec08. Another online pachinko machine. Also not good. Do not forget to enjoy the jule box.

1999dec08. Anything Can Be A Gun! [via Jon]

1999dec08. Clone this dog. Many, many times.

1999dec08. (dead news link) (dead news link) "Special delivery!” (more WTO police bullshit)

1999dec08. "You giff me your ‘zerial’ number, American GI man! Then I go zhoppink on der Amazon dot der com! Ha Ha! Ha ha ha ha HA ha! HA! Ahem. Zorry.”

1999dec08. Ebay: I’m looking at Pachinko machines on Ebay, so you have to suffer as well. I love when sellers say “I don’t know if this works” – sure, putting an item up for auction is a breeze, but actually testing something? Too labor-intensive. I just translate this statement into “it doesn’t work” and go off to the next item ...

1999dec08. Ebay: Pachinko “art deco” style cabinet???

1999dec08. Ebay: Another pachinko auction. “Veit-Nam,” “drinking buddy,” “slingshot.” This baby’s got a lot of history.

1999dec08. Online pachinko game. It’s not that good.

1999dec09. Mojo Nixon was SO right. [DeuceofClubs]

1999dec09. You know, if only every American was associated with their own INDIVIDUAL number, then the doctors could just open up the patient files to the DMV, police, banks, whoever! It’d be a lot easier, I think. What a glorious time to be alive!

1999dec09. Tiki-sploitation! Tonight! At Oakland’s Parkway Theater! Oakland California! Oakland California United States of America! That one! To-nite! Thursday! Yes!

1999dec13. Here are some selected questions (out of 81 total) from an employment application at a Very Expensive Car dealership located somewhere within the United States. The first 53 questions have choices from “strongly disagree” to “strongly agree".

21. Everyone at one time or another steals money from their employer.

22. A person who smokes marijuana once a week is not a drug addict.

27. I would never steal anything unless I had a good reason.

28. Illegal drugs are no more dangerous than alcohol.

30. Smoking marijuana once a month is normal for most people.

33. Everyone has tried marijuana at one time or another.

34. Employees who are caught stealing merchandise should be given a second chance.

35. If companies would pay their employees a fair salary they wouldn’t have to worry about them stealing from the company.

39. Most employees who steal money from their company get away with it.

41. Bob has been with the company for five years. His family runs into financial trouble and he is caught stealing $50. He should be fired.

42. A person who uses cocaine once a week is not a drug addict.

43. Most employees who steal merchandise from their company get away with it.

45. Everyone at one time or another steals merchandise from their employer.

46. As the boss, I would not fire an employee the first time he was caught “high” on the job.

48. Trying cocaine once a month is about average for most people.

53. Jim has been with the company for five years. His family runs into financial trouble and he is caught stealing merchandise, about fifty dollars worth. He should be fired.

59. Most of my friends smoke marijuana _____ times per week.

60. A person has a drug problem if he smokes marijuana more than ____ times per week.

64. Employees who are caught stealing money should be given a second chance.

65. Just about everyone has tried drugs at one time or another.

67. Sometime ago I was in a situation and took some money, without permission, from an employer.

69. Once, when I was younger, I tried marijuana.

70. Employees who are caught stealing merchandise should be given a second chance.

74. In the past I took some merchandise, without permission, from an employer.

76. Once, when I was younger, I tried cocaine.

77. During my working career, I have stolen a few things from an employer.

80. Employees who are caught stealing money should be prosecuted.

It seems completely clear to me that this dealership is a drug front. They don’t want prospective employees to steal their stash and smoke it. Perhaps not, I don’t see any questions that mention “stealing drugs.” A loophole!

1999dec14. God, I love those hilarious Onion articles! [via Megan]

1999dec15. Shift: Designers Republic interview.

1999dec15. Please note the teaser headline for an article about SF’s homicide tally: ”The City Takes A Slay Ride.”Merry Christmas.

1999dec15. Thirty times faster than T-1. Satellites. Yep.

1999dec15. Oops, The Examiner changed their headline from “The City Takes A Slay Ride” to “City Slayings Mount.” Bring back the levity of holiday-themed puns! Comedy vs Tragedy!

1999dec15. (dead news link) (dead news link) Does hemp ... work? Is there REALLY a good reason to use this “hemp” product?

1999dec15. Lileks: Restaurant postcards

1999dec15. SF: Sunday night Tentacle Session: BIGRIG INDUSTRIES + PUZZLING EVIDENCE

1999dec16. If you are a licorice fan, I highly-recommend double-salted licorice. The ones I am eating, from Heide, have a “DZ” stamp (Dubbel Zoet).

1999dec16. Confessions of a Bottom Feeder

1999dec16. Confessions of a Bottom Feeder, part 2.

1999dec17. Mail.

Another keyboard question: Theres a sticker on it that says “WARNING: To reduce risk of nerve, tendon or muscle injury, see the label on the back of this keyboard.” but theres no label. Am I infertile now?

jo

No, but you have a cold.

1999dec17. Mail.

I sneezed into the keyboard. It was one of those egg white sneezes. Should I clean it out, or use it as a way to see which family member is using my computer when I’m away ... the one who wakes up with a cold tomorrow ...

jo

I hope you’ve cleaned it out by now, I’m just reading this mail seven months later.

1999dec17. Next on the list of cool things to be ruined by mass media: The Shaggs. [Deuce of Clubs]

1999dec17. Priceless moments (wiping away tear).

1999dec17. Japanese-English article

1999dec18. Troy, MI Y2k prep: “We’ve got stop signs!”

1999dec20. Jimmy Cauty, cell-phone madness, “Cloot! Cloot!”

1999dec20. Who’s afraid of Revelation 13? [Deuce]

1999dec20. The web version of the TV Yule Log [via Soosan]

1999dec21. Mail.

that is my name too. i was joking around with my name and i found you that is very strange, unusual, disturbing, and scary

cow123456789

Yes, there aren’t that many other people named “cow123456789.”

1999dec21. More Y2k prep! [via The View From Here]

1999dec21. Y2k w/ ex-SNL!!!! PARTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! LET’S HEAR IT MINNESOTA!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! And the BRAND-NEW DODGE goes to ... tooOOOOOoooOOOOOo ... The best part about this is that there are TWO New Year’s Eve shows. “Okay everyone, get out, the NEXT group of lucky Minnesotaeons are going to ring in Y2k with DENNIS MILLER!”

1999dec21. Repo Man 2: Waldo’s Hawaiian Holiday? [via Metascene]

1999dec21. (dead news link) (dead news link) "Monorail?” “Monorail!”

1999dec22. Seanbaby gets pissed about future toilets and gets an answer from Congress. Sort of.

1999dec22. Une sélection des cartes postales les plus kitsch et les plus ringardes des années 60 et 70, regroupées par thèmes.

1999dec22. Peter Gilstrap used to have a website at the New Times LA called Jesus of the Week. Then he left; New Times took his material, stripped his name off of it, and copied it over to their own non-regional domain. But Gilstrap is back (BACK, I tell you!) with Calvalcade of Christ.

1999dec23. Here’s another super example of a media corporation attaching a person’s name to a column, only to regret it later. Jesse’s Word of the Day (and subsequent book) became Random Word of the Day (notice the title hasn’t changed) and then even changed again to Maven’s Word of the Day. Try www.jessesword.com just for kicky grins.

1999dec23. I have an idea that will save the other 90% of energy.

1999dec24. "I respect you. You and your DELICIOUS GAMS.”

1999dec26. The American Auction. [via Bovine Whiskerdoo]

1999dec26. (dead news link) (dead news link) Damn! That Times Square dealie sounds like one fun party!

1999dec27. Stern the last pinball manufacturer. Stern? Ted Nugent pinball Stern? Middle metal post Stern? Huh? What? [via Obscure Store]

1999dec28. Word: Boltflash does Maakies Xmas Pokemon Special Time

1999dec28. Kimba vs. Lion King. The only thing I can remember from Kimba were the great “surprised reaction” noises the animals made. “Uhhhh?” “WAAAHHHHHH!!!” Same as Speed Racer, in that respect. Stay tuned for my dissertation.

1999dec29. Shanghai club scene

1999dec29. Vice: Checkin’ in on the Gross Jar.

1999dec29. Here’s a well-designed package. Don’t know how they got it into a bottle, but that’s science!.

1999dec29. Bob The Angry Flower: The Man Behind The Curtain.

1999dec29. Merced part of New York City for New Year’s Eve. [gagging noise]

1999dec30. Dumpster diving. No, not for food. For gold, dammit! GOLD!

1999dec30. "International nuclear weapons expert"/doofus warns about implications of not using the Chandler Wobble in nuclear missile-guidance applications [scroll up for the original question/answer].

1999dec30. SF Weekly: Chicken John & Circus Redickuless [long; 1998]

1999dec31. Buncha cams to watch the terror and madness and rioting and horrible, horrible stuff that Y2k brings. People are exploding and things are melting. Look away! LOOK AWAY!

1999dec31. "Well, everything looks okay he – MY GOD, WE’VE LOST GAMBIA!”

1999dec31. Ebay: Realistic puffing cigarettes + mask. Mask?

1999dec31. BeastWatch: the big loser isn’t going to make it.