1999dec02. A picture of a man with a large crescent wrench going through his cheek. Also pictures of men with a cheek-puncturing gas pump nozzle, a gun, and a shovel, among other implements. This is going to be the next hot new youth fad in America.
1999dec02. “However, we are plowing through every possible three letter combination of the code. But since there are seventeen thousand permutations it’s going to take us about two and a half days to transmit them all.”
1999dec03. "You knew him as the host of the popular brain-dead game show ‘Match Game’. But did you also know he pioneered the BLANK morning drive-time DJ format?” Heavy trading on the world’s death pool markets today.
1999dec05. Well, it’s December of 1999, that means there’s less than 31 shopping days until Y2k. I know, I know, you’re sick of hearing about it, but I thought I’d “check in” with this little smarmy observation. It’s probably going to be a pain in the ass to get around town and buy things during the last week of this year because of all the panicky idiots and New Year’s party preppers. My suggestion here is to actually stockpile enough of your basic living crap now to avoid the Y2k T Minus One Week shopping/travelling clusterfuck. Or T Minus Two Weeks, let’s throw Christmastime in there as well. Or move immediately into a hardened decomissioned floral-scented missile silo. Thank you.
1999dec07. Hey, didja know I ate at one of the restaurants featured in Pancakes Across America? Didja? Yeah! At the Mary & Moe’s Wigwam Restaurant, Casino & Indian Museum in Fernley NV. You know, “Where all good friends meet for ‘HEAP GOOD” food!”? You’ve probably been there as well. The “Morning [Sun]Light” is now up to $5.25 but includes two eggs any style, hash brown potatoes, one hot cake, and bacon, ham, or sausage. Other breakfast names include “Sleeping Moon,” “Walking Hungry,” “Daze Start,” and “Heap Big Breakfast.”
1999dec07. This whole hippie didgeridoo/drum phenomenon reminds me of a guy I saw playing the Theremin the other month. He sucked, really really horrid and all that, but you know, it was sort of hard to tell. If you pick up an instrument that has actual levers or holes that you have to depress or cover up or whatever in some “musical” sequence, and you actually DO it, then that’s showing a bit of talent. Whereas if you make poopy noises with a didgeridoo, or weird electronic noises with your Theremin, or bang on one drum endlessly without remorse, you apparently don’t even have to be REMOTELY close to anything musical. Now that I’m in California I’m seeing these drumming types all over the place, like infestations or something. Cropdusting, is what I’m advocating here.
1999dec08. I can’t get any sfx from that damned online pachinko machine. But you can launch tons of balls, one after the other. That is good.
1999dec08. Ebay: I’m looking at Pachinko machines on Ebay, so you have to suffer as well. I love when sellers say “I don’t know if this works” – sure, putting an item up for auction is a breeze, but actually testing something? Too labor-intensive. I just translate this statement into “it doesn’t work” and go off to the next item ...
1999dec09. You know, if only every American was associated with their own INDIVIDUAL number, then the doctors could just open up the patient files to the DMV, police, banks, whoever! It’d be a lot easier, I think. What a glorious time to be alive!
1999dec13. Here are some selected questions (out of 81 total) from an employment application at a Very Expensive Car dealership located somewhere within the United States. The first 53 questions have choices from “strongly disagree” to “strongly agree".
21. Everyone at one time or another steals money from their employer.
22. A person who smokes marijuana once a week is not a drug addict.
27. I would never steal anything unless I had a good reason.
28. Illegal drugs are no more dangerous than alcohol.
30. Smoking marijuana once a month is normal for most people.
33. Everyone has tried marijuana at one time or another.
34. Employees who are caught stealing merchandise should be given a second chance.
35. If companies would pay their employees a fair salary they wouldn’t have to worry about them stealing from the company.
39. Most employees who steal money from their company get away with it.
41. Bob has been with the company for five years. His family runs into financial trouble and he is caught stealing $50. He should be fired.
42. A person who uses cocaine once a week is not a drug addict.
43. Most employees who steal merchandise from their company get away with it.
45. Everyone at one time or another steals merchandise from their employer.
46. As the boss, I would not fire an employee the first time he was caught “high” on the job.
48. Trying cocaine once a month is about average for most people.
53. Jim has been with the company for five years. His family runs into financial trouble and he is caught stealing merchandise, about fifty dollars worth. He should be fired.
59. Most of my friends smoke marijuana _____ times per week.
60. A person has a drug problem if he smokes marijuana more than ____ times per week.
64. Employees who are caught stealing money should be given a second chance.
65. Just about everyone has tried drugs at one time or another.
67. Sometime ago I was in a situation and took some money, without permission, from an employer.
69. Once, when I was younger, I tried marijuana.
70. Employees who are caught stealing merchandise should be given a second chance.
74. In the past I took some merchandise, without permission, from an employer.
76. Once, when I was younger, I tried cocaine.
77. During my working career, I have stolen a few things from an employer.
80. Employees who are caught stealing money should be prosecuted.
It seems completely clear to me that this dealership is a drug front. They don’t want prospective employees to steal their stash and smoke it. Perhaps not, I don’t see any questions that mention “stealing drugs.” A loophole!
1999dec15. Oops, The Examiner changed their headline from “The City Takes A Slay Ride” to “City Slayings Mount.” Bring back the levity of holiday-themed puns! Comedy vs Tragedy!
1999dec15. (dead news link) (dead news link) Does hemp ... work? Is there REALLY a good reason to use this “hemp” product?
1999dec16. If you are a licorice fan, I highly-recommend double-salted licorice. The ones I am eating, from Heide, have a “DZ” stamp (Dubbel Zoet).
Another keyboard question: Theres a sticker on it that says “WARNING: To reduce risk of nerve, tendon or muscle injury, see the label on the back of this keyboard.” but theres no label. Am I infertile now?
No, but you have a cold.
I sneezed into the keyboard. It was one of those egg white sneezes. Should I clean it out, or use it as a way to see which family member is using my computer when I’m away ... the one who wakes up with a cold tomorrow ...
I hope you’ve cleaned it out by now, I’m just reading this mail seven months later.
that is my name too. i was joking around with my name and i found you that is very strange, unusual, disturbing, and scary
Yes, there aren’t that many other people named “cow123456789.”
1999dec21. Y2k w/ ex-SNL!!!! PARTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! LET’S HEAR IT MINNESOTA!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! And the BRAND-NEW DODGE goes to ... tooOOOOOoooOOOOOo ... The best part about this is that there are TWO New Year’s Eve shows. “Okay everyone, get out, the NEXT group of lucky Minnesotaeons are going to ring in Y2k with DENNIS MILLER!”
1999dec22. Peter Gilstrap used to have a website at the New Times LA called Jesus of the Week. Then he left; New Times took his material, stripped his name off of it, and copied it over to their own non-regional domain. But Gilstrap is back (BACK, I tell you!) with Calvalcade of Christ.
1999dec23. Here’s another super example of a media corporation attaching a person’s name to a column, only to regret it later. Jesse’s Word of the Day (and subsequent book) became Random Word of the Day (notice the title hasn’t changed) and then even changed again to Maven’s Word of the Day. Try www.jessesword.com just for kicky grins.
1999dec26. (dead news link) (dead news link) Damn! That Times Square dealie sounds like one fun party!
1999dec28. Kimba vs. Lion King. The only thing I can remember from Kimba were the great “surprised reaction” noises the animals made. “Uhhhh?” “WAAAHHHHHH!!!” Same as Speed Racer, in that respect. Stay tuned for my dissertation.
1999dec30. "International nuclear weapons expert"/doofus warns about implications of not using the Chandler Wobble in nuclear missile-guidance applications [scroll up for the original question/answer].