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1999apr01. Baseball ... FIXED? I’m SHOCKED, I tell you, SHOCKED!

1999apr01. (dead news link) Swanson announces that TV dinners will be re-introduced, including the aluminum trays. I am confused. Aluminum ... microwave. Perhaps this is also an April Fool’s day thing. I cannot say at this point.

1999apr01. Sony TV is ON!

1999apr01. (dead news link) Laugh at the funny people selling things.

1999apr01. Some web GIFs may have y2k security problem? Oh lordy.

1999apr05. So we went to the Mojave phone booth. We got to answer about 160 calls until the FREAK ASS SNOW BLIZZARD came in and we high-tailed it out of there to Primm, Nevada, where we could gamble in peace and quiet. That Whiskey Pete’s got a mean casino, but LET ME TELL YOU about his body and hair shampoo, weeeeooooo lordy. For more late-breaking news on the details of phone booth blizzard ’99, click on the Blizzard Banner™ to the immediate right of this text here. Maybe up a little. I’m not sure at this point.

Okay. Here’s the problem. I have a lot of things to do. And not much time to do them. And taxes. So I can’t keep updating this site every day, at least not until I get my time-release PancakeRobot installed. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to put a bunch of stuff up, and it “counts” for an entire week. PACE YOURSELF. Here are the things.

FIVE new All About entries
SIXTY-THREE new found photos

Special thanks goes out to The Finger for a large portion of the found photos.

Also, here is even more BONUS stuff to keep you off my back. This is a child’s kitchen set entitled “My First Kitchen.” Rusty of Bigrig purchased it for one strong American dollar and was kind enough to share it with you, the clamoring, insatiable, slightly-overweight fruit-jelly eating public.

Salut, children, Salut!

The next BONUS thing is a mousepad that I purchased at a flea market for fifty American cents.

Dare to dream! Perhaps one day we will all live in a Less Invasive Future™! This reminds me of the ad for hypodermic needles that promised a “new level of injection comfort.” It’s around here somewhere, but good luck finding it. I call this place My First Firetrap™.

Finally, here is a possessed Bubbly Chubby, the Teletubbies knock-off.

The button-activated BLOOD RED eyes have been softened a bit by the unforgiving glare of the flatbed scanner, you know, just like Cybill Shepard on Moonlig--what’s that, Bub? You want me to destroy the U.N. building? I HEAR AND OBEY MY MASTER, CHUBBLY BUBBLY. What? Oh, sorry. MY MASTER, BUBBLY CHUBBY.

Also, pretend I played a really funny April Fool’s trick on you. Great. I mean something like maybe Cardhouse was bought out by some spineless corporate entity, or there is some kind of pending lawsuit, or something. Use your imagination! Less work for me. I have to go to New York now.

1999apr05. Privacy: Oh NO! We lost another one of our PRETEND RIGHTS. Bring it on, mother scratchers! Lose ‘em all! How about police pullin’ over motorists to search for drugs just because it seemed like a “good idea” or because they had a “bad day” or the driver looked “shifty"? These are all just ideas.

1999apr06. I regularly forget to play Baccarat when I end up at a casino – it has some of the best odds in the casino, and best of all, you don’t even have to think like blackjack or craps. Mindless losing, that’s for me. Bring on ... THE BACCARAT!

1999apr06. WARNING: WE CARE JUST ENOUGH TO MAKE THIS FUNNY SIGN

1999apr07. Mail.

This site is incredibly fun. I have complimented you. Now it’s YOUR turn to do something for me. Have you ever seen a checker board Swatch watch? I swear I have. Tis my life long dream to own such a prize. If you’ve ever even laid eyes on one at one point or you actually KNOW where I can get one ... ..by God tell me. I think it was clear and black checker board. Or perhaps it was a dream. I wish I had a life.

JoAnn

So you give me a compliment, and then I’m supposed to turn around and “do something” for you? I don’t get it. But I will send along your request to our patient, kind, thoughtful, resourceful, and sexy readers. I do remember the watch you speak of. Can you believe Mimo Rotella made a Swatch? It made me so mad, I wanted to RIP STUFF UP.

1999apr07. Mail.

Mark,
How can I make myself more attractive relative to stocks?

Paula Jones.

I don’t think this is really Paula Jones. I think you are a big PAULA JONES LIAR. Liar. I don’t understand the question, anyway.

1999apr07. Eight piglets on a bike – part of the larger Trans-Siberian Railroad page

1999apr07. Privacy: Al Gore stops harvesting kiddie e-mail addresses on his website; a worried nation breathes a collective sigh of relief.

1999apr07. (dead news link) “You have been shot to death, Sir.”

1999apr07. Exercise 2: Control User Access to Internet Sites. In this exercise you will add a filter to the Web Proxy Service that will deny users Internet access to www.netscape.com. [via outraged!]

1999apr07. Rummaging through Northern California [Thrift Score]

1999apr07. Biking across the United States

1999apr08. Behold the terrible FAKE CIGARETTES

1999apr08. Simply Porn: The evolution of a parody.

1999apr08. Pranks: Arm the Homeless story ... and ... website

1999apr08. It’s a crazy surfin’ day here at the Cardhouse, my friends. Aspects of Air-Dropped Leaflet Propaganda

1999apr08. Million Marijuana March: May 1st

1999apr08. Consumer Reports: vintage testing photographs [via cosmodrome]

1999apr08. Strip naked, live in a small apartment for a year without toilet paper or much food. The whole thing is broadcast across Japan and has seventeen million viewers. Your prize? One million yen ($8,300). [bud]

1999apr08. The Cluetrain Manifesto: Companies Need To Be More Open To Sheep-Like Consumers. Okay, that’s it. I’m officially sick to death of Capitalism. Can I get off this sucker ride?

1999apr08. A Brief History of Banned Music in the United States

1999apr08. Swatch’s obnoxious internet time ad campaign continues to revile! Now they’re in collusion with the Russian Space Agency to transmit advertising on ham radio frequencies. There’s a protest page. [via flutterby]

1999apr08. We see Cardhouse growing exponentially in the coming year, enveloping and eventually smooshing Disney [DIS], Amazon.com [AMZN], and Blazoon Systems Inc [BLZO]. Thank you. [via infosift]

1999apr09. The Burlesque Portraits of Raoul Gradvohl [deuce]

1999apr09. Ali vs. Andy Warhol [fucking annoying re-direct forces you to watch stupid animation over and over and also over; suggest copy and paste into temporary word-processing file]

1999apr09. Pranks: Follow-up on Arm The Homeless story in New Times, including a phone transcript of a conversation with “60 Minutes II” (past all of the rabid reader responses)

1999apr09. Pranks: Web hoax on the day traders

1999apr09. Mutiny on the Blue Line.

1999apr09. Now we can all get on the Internet, thanks to Compuserve!

1999apr09. I like StickerGuy. I haven’t had any stickers made, but it will be the first place I go.

1999apr09. I found out that a few things that I’ve been saying on this site are trademarked. So I will no longer use the trademarks Gallery or Zine to describe what I’m doing here.

1999apr09. Fun-e Red Meat this week [deuce]

1999apr09. Hi-tech meets Bottom-Of-The-Barrel Tech.

1999apr09. (dead news link) I’m rooting for the beavers. Go carve up the leg of the bad NSA man, beavers. CARVE I SAY!

1999apr09. I’m getting really sick of receiving that stupid “gas out” spam message. Here’s a big something about corporate welfare, including oil and gas companies.

1999apr09. Pranks: San Francisco, meet your new mayor!

1999apr09. Pranks: Here’s the candidacy announcement. “Craig gets to park wherever he wants and the parking place in front of his place is his, you know, the one a little bit to the right by the corner.”

1999apr09. Long, terse list of celebrity gossip. [via robot wisdom]

1999apr10. Peoplehater has pictures up from the Great Nevada Car Hunt!

1999apr10. Lee Majors does self-parody for Colorado State Lottery.

1999apr10. The only US reporter in Kosovo?

1999apr10. Pranks: Gore 2000 [via outraged!]

1999apr10. Benicetobears is now listing links. Like a log of web visits. Like a web ... web ... weblog!

1999apr10. Kids love the Wobbler! Don’t forget to check out the rest of the toy line. [via benicetobears]

1999apr10. Jeffrey Vallance World is coming along quite nicely. Check out Guadalupe and the Holy Lance. [deuce]

1999apr10. I am frightened by the graphic prowess of the PRAYSTATION

1999apr11. Forgotten NY [via peterme]

1999apr12. Work: LibraryAdministrator

1999apr13. Pudding Wire: Pudding cures cancer? THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG!

1999apr13. A company that allow you to put small phrases on candy hearts. Great. Not great? $100 + no obscenities. Bah.

1999apr14. Rundown of airplane passenger hijinx

1999apr14. Interview with Tesco Vee

1999apr15. [I like to do my taxes. Over and over again, so much I like. Can I have another state form? Thank you. “Now THERE’S someone who likes taxes!”]

1999apr16. [Reverse weblog] I’ve been looking for a high-end portable record player. There’s one that’s made in Japan. I saw it on a website awhile ago, then it disappeared. It is certainly not anything like this clunky A/V bastard. It is styling and sleek, and the women will surely dig “the guy with the portable record player.”

1999apr16. Bay Area culture jamming.

1999apr16. Seismic Solution

1999apr16. Planet SOMA

1999apr17. Mail.

I thought I was nuts, but I am glad another nuts person understands the true value of found pictures. I don’t know how in the hell I got to this page, but it is wonderful! I have several pics that I would be glad to donate if you are interested. Actually, we have a whole photo album my friend and I bought at the thrift store just for such amusement. The life and times of some serious white trash. (Circa 1985) Some X-mas pics, some others. I’d leave the captions up to you, unless I had an outstanding one ready. Let me know. It would take me a week to get my lazy bum of a friend to scan them, but hey, it’d get done.

:) Peace out.

-Ryan S.

Yeah yeah yeah! Bring it on! America loves found photos!

1999apr19. I Went To Berkeley This Sunday And Now I Smell Like Patchouli.

I went to Berkeley this Sunday and now I smell like Patchouli. It’s everywhere on Telegraph street, stinking up the place. It seeps into your clothes, and it just lingers for hours. It is hard to decide between the raw, fresh scents of Berkeley and the masking odors of Patchouli. Perhaps if there were no fresh scents in the first place, then one would not need to use Patchouli. When I walk in Berkeley, my fists are clenched unless I am holding a bag.

House Of Nanking Restaurant Review.

At the House Of Nanking, there are menus on the tables when you are seated. Don’t look at them. The owner will steal them away from you almost immediately and ask you what type of meat you like – chicken, beef, pork, fish; then you will get your food seven minutes later. Everyone gets a different plate. It’s random. We talked to some Australians at the next table over, they were totally amazed. “It’s like this in every restaurant in America,” I didn’t say. That would have been funny. I was not at the top of my game then, I was too busy eating.

The food is damned good. It is a tourist trap, but I don’t care.

1999apr19. This article details a strange odor in Salt Lake City making people nauseous, and it’s been floating around for the last month. The part that I don’t get is that there was already a horrid, horrid smell there when I was driving through in 1995. So this is a new smell ON TOP OF the old smell? Lord help you if you live in Salt Lake City. I mean, Mormon Lord of Kolob help you. Also, an earlier article has an important quote: “A meeting was held late Friday to coordinate a search for the smell.” [via robot wisdom]

1999apr19. (dead news link) Here’s something off the wire that’s been sitting around since the Carter administration. Slow news day.

1999apr20. I Went To Berkeley This Sunday And Now I Smell Like Patchouli.

I went to Berkeley this Sunday and now I smell like Patchouli. It’s everywhere on Telegraph street, stinking up the place. It seeps into your clothes, and it just lingers for hours. It is hard to decide between the raw, fresh scents of Berkeley and the masking odors of Patchouli. Perhaps if there were no fresh scents in the first place, then one would not need to use Patchouli. When I walk in Berkeley, my fists are clenched unless I am holding a bag.

House Of Nanking Restaurant Review.

At the House Of Nanking, there are menus on the tables when you are seated. Don’t look at them. The owner will steal them away from you almost immediately and ask you what type of meat you like – chicken, beef, pork, fish; then you will get your food seven minutes later. Everyone gets a different plate. It’s random. We talked to some Australians at the next table over, they were totally amazed. “It’s like this in every restaurant in America,” I didn’t say. That would have been funny. I was not at the top of my game then, I was too busy eating.

The food is damned good.

1999apr20. How Different I Am From Doc: A Paragraph.

I am not Doc. There are several people who are contributing items to this website. Doc is one of these people. I am not Doc. I know this because I can call him on the phone, and the number is not busy 100% of the time. That is because I am not Doc. So now all of the people sending Doc email commentary about my half of the website, and the people sending me email commentary about Doc’s half of the website, can switch places and everything is better now. Our babies are all grows up now, they’re all grows up!

Also, we are going to have a new person join the Cardhouse team in a short while. Perhaps you can get all mixed up with the four of us then, wouldn’t that be funny?

1999apr20. I Was Away Doing My Taxes.

I am finished with my taxes. I patiently await my audit and subsequent jail time.

1999apr20. Privacy: Gore more of a hypocrite than Clinton! Lying Gore 2000! [via robot wisdom]

1999apr20. New computer virus makes stellar debut April 26.

1999apr20. Delightful Straight Dope this week about the disgusting toilet aerosol phenomenon

1999apr20. Don’t forget to read the reader response column that accompanies Cecil’s column: “did you know that the original formula for the popular diet drink Tab included urine and restaurant mints?"

1999apr20. World’s oldest building underwater off the coast of Japan? Ignored by western world? Destroyed by quake? Too many questions ... must sit ... down ... ? [bud]

1999apr20. Overview sketch of underwater structure

1999apr21. 1996 Neal Stephenson piece about laying transoceanic cables [incredibly long] [via memepool]

1999apr21. Old photojournal in Atlas Magazine: “Under New York".

1999apr21. SEVERAL New Leisuretowns with a little redesign thrown in

1999apr21. Woo! Peoplehater has photos up from the Great Nevada Carhunt!

1999apr22. Mail.

This is my guargian angel. He’s also a one man band. How cool is that? Not many people have one of those.

I suppose I should say something funny here.

1999apr22. Mail.

i think i may be able to give you, at last, a good night’s rest. i viewed the found picture located at this URL, and noted with dismay your inability to recognize the attractive young woman in the photo. i almost choked on my hummus when i realized that the woman was none other than my 5th grade teacher, mrs wilkinson! of course, this photo was clearly taken some years ago, as the mrs W. that *I* remember was a shrivelled old bat who routinely made me and the other boys stand against the blackboard with our arms outstretched, our palms upturned, and several copies of the class’s history textbooks balanced on each hand. but, oh! those eyes! i could never forget the way they sparkled when someone correctly pointed out uruguay, during geography on thursdays. that sparkle, sirs, is clearly present in the eyes of the “mystery woman” in your found photo. as i said, this photo was obviously taken during mrs. w’s YOUTH--i would estimate, judging by what looks like a daguerrotype film process, this photo must have been taken around 1870 or 1872. this jibes with my assertion, asserted to my fellow 5th graders back at Castleberry Elementary School in Morgantown, West Virginia, that mrs wilkinson must have been about 100 years old or so. so that clears it up. i hope you’ll take good care of this treasured item-- it would mean a lot to me and all my classmates back at “the Castle.”

just to remind you-- there *are* folks out there in the world of the web who really appreciate your sincere efforts to bring everyone closer together in a big cuddly group hug of love.

if i meet you on the street, you can be sure to hear a “howdy neighbor!” coming out of my mouth. i say that to everybody. it’s my way of saying ”howdy neighbor!”

love
scout.

I am glad someone has finally unlocked the mysteries of a Found Photo. Your correspondence is appreciated!

1999apr22. Ain’t nothing quite as stupid as ordering 100 pounds of 3179 Dilatent Compound

1999apr22. Investigation into Priceline.com’s machinations ... “If it finds [a price lower than you’re willing to pay], the computer will confirm the sale and Priceline will pocket the difference between the quoted fare price by the airline and the price you’ve offered to pay.” So of course, the next big thing to come down the pike will be pricelinebot.com, where you can send off a stupid “smart agent” to priceline.com and make sure you get the ACTUAL lowest price for a plane seat and not priceline’s artificial low price. This domain is worth FOURTEEN BILLION dollars? Can I be the one to start Internet Panic 1999? Sell, my little internet trading loser cash-ambulance chasers. SELL LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW!!! BUY GOLD! STOCKPILE WATER! (this message brought to you by the Gold & Water Stock Panic Creation Council GmbH) [via robot wisdom]

1999apr23. Carrot Top interview: completely painful, potentially brain-damaging. Totally surreal. A prank? Probably not. [via camworld]

1999apr23. Mister Pants is a swell web designer person and has started a weblog. Mister Pants has found this incredible page which is also potentially brain-damaging. I have declared today Potentially Brain-Damaging Day. Also, good luck trying to find discussion about the oft-promised topic ”The states names are important of drugs meanings.”

1999apr23. Your tax dollars not at work (see question #58).

1999apr24. So for the last fifteen years or so, I’ve had a habit of hammering on the arrow keys a certain way when doing full-screen text editing on my little rotty computer. It goes like this:

click click click click click
(pause)
click click click click click
(pause, etc)

I never really thought much about it at all until I came across an old pinball machine in a restaurant. I used to play pinball pretty much 24 hours a day during my youth. I put in a quarter, and the first thing that all of those old machines do is reset the analog scoring reels to zero:

chunk chunk chunk chunk chunk
(pause)
chunk chunk chunk chunk chunk
(pause, etc)

1999apr24. Wonderful interview with Tristan Farnon of Leisuretown, who beats himself up even more than Evan Dorkin and Chris Ware, as if that was even possible.

1999apr24. Privacy: Awhile back, I was noticing a growing number of requests for a file called “favicon.ico” in the referral logs. A quick search led me to this document from Microsoft which explains that the favicon.ico is small icon that would be displayed via Internet Explorer if someone had bookmarked your site. Okay, completely vile – this isn’t in any of the web standards, I don’t need to make little cute icons for users, etc. I hadn’t really considered the privacy implications of this, but there’s an article in Wired about it. Okay, so any site can figure out when you’re bookmarking them - that’s not MUCH of a privacy violation, but it still hugs.

So how’s THIS for a privacy violation? Let’s say you’re looking at some stupid top-secret file via your web browser on your top-secret hard drive connected to the internet, and then you go to say, JUST AS A RANDOM EXAMPLE, Cardhouse. Now WHAT do you suppose shows up in the referral logs? That’s right, my sweetkins, I can see you! I can see where you were just before you loaded my page. It comes to me via the referral logs. Here, let’s take a look at OTHER PEOPLE’S HARD DRIVES:

file:///SuperMac%AA%20HD/Internet/startup.html -> /

file:///C|/IOTA finish (main)/iota sites/ingress.html -> /links/weblog.htm

file:///Emotional%20Intelligence/HTML/HomePage -> /macros/

file:///Sam’s%20iMac/samhome.html -> /

Any of this look familiar? You want to talk about privacy violations ... Any one with a website who reads their referral logs is getting the same information that I just presented to you. I don’t know if this is a browser-specific problem, it seems like I would get more of these types of files a day. Perhaps this was already fixed in later browsers and these are using Netscape 1.1 or something. I’m too lazy to check.

1999apr25. Privacy: A month ago, I mentioned that a computer glitch changed the personal data on my [Supermarket Savings Card] and I happily left it that way. Always TAKE THE ERROR. WORK with it. In this example, if the social security office says you’re dead, STAY DEAD. [via obscure store]

1999apr26. Mondo Micro [needs realplayer]

1999apr26. WAH! Cueball gets religion

1999apr26. All right TREE! GO TREE! [raising lighter above head]

1999apr26. Essay on Littleton Shootings [via pounce]

1999apr26. A recent BBC News story about a "safe” HIV vaccine featured a picture of a monkey with the caption “Four macaque monkeys had no trace of HIV, two had viral loads reduced by 100,000 times.”This VERY SAME monkey also appeared in an earlier story with the caption “A macaque monkey died of Aids after being given the experimental vaccine.” So I guess the vaccine actually brings dead monkeys back to life. “Hey, anyone got a picture of a stupid monkey? Anyone? What? What directory? Okay, got it!”

1999apr27. (dead news link) “When it postively, absolutely will kill someone if opened.”

1999apr27. Privacy: Shopping discount card data privacy bill passes CA Senate

1999apr28. (dead news link) !ffuts dna nataS liaH !retsam dna drol ym si ssenkrad fo ecnirp ehT

1999apr28. (dead news link) Go to hell [hey! themed weblog! satan ... hell ... see? the kid is HOT! {theme!!}]

1999apr28. An interview with the unfortunate star of “Don’t Go For It, Electric Boy!”, the poorly-planned mutant Japanese offshoot of The Truman Show. “You couldn’t help but to dance the so-called winning dances?” If I ever get interviewed, that’s what I want every question to be. A question about the so-called winning dances. [via robot wisdom]

1999apr28. Six college students band together and create a site that monitors their actions 24/7. They’re now looking for big gun advertising. At the end of the article, Erik Vidal, nephew of Gore and project creator, seems frustrated that “conservative” corporate America isn’t interested in sponsoring his “extremely racy idea.” I weep for you, Erik, I weep.

1999apr28. Ballsy aviation heist

1999apr29. Bubbly pop star Britney Spears, Internet date raper? Hrmm. This earlier article that actually ORIGINATES from CNN reveals it to be a prank. I never doubted you, Britney. BRITNEY! BRITNEY! BRITNEY SPEARS JOINS THE JAMMS!!!! Sorry.

1999apr29. Great cover for Arlene Sardine

1999apr29. Very Important recent reprint of The Manual: How To Have A Number One The Easy Way as written by Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty of the KLF, with a new postscript by Mr. Drummond. Damn blasted funny as shit. Order one now. Also I know nothing about the other Bill Drummond books, but there they are as well. There is also the book The K Foundation Burn A Million Quid which is also the KLF, it’s about the time they burned a million quid. Perhaps one day Gimpo will write about his 24-hour driving marathon on M5 or wherever, that big loop around London. That one. I spoke to Bill Drummond once. I wrote him a letter asking for an interview and he called me at home so I sicced Lazlo on him. Yes. I’ve got to reformat that interview someday, it’s too damned white. So is this weblog text, I don’t like it. I don’t like much about the colors on these video TVs.

1999apr29. A web-based employment application form for the Hot Dog on a Stick franchise. Mister Pants asks you to pay special attention to the last question: ”The uniform is our special trademark. Describe its appeal and why you are drawn to it.”

This just in: PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO WORK AT HOT DOG ON A STICK. No one has any sort of delusional notion that the Hot Dog On A Stick uniform has any sort of appeal whatsoever, except for attracting the attention of snide, sarcastic, gawking people like myself. I am still being shown the absurdities of California on a daily basis, and one of my friends took me on a special trip to the mall JUST TO SEE THE DAMNED UNIFORMS. Not to “shop” or “consume” – just to look at how LITTLE you think of your workers to dress them up as clowns.

Then, of course, that very same night was the premiere of Futurama, and who comes on the screen to feed the head of Leonard Nimoy (in a jar) some fish-type food? That’s right, a guy dressed up like a Hot Dog On A Stick employee. [via memepool]

1999apr29. Reasons To Hate Berkeley. A Series. Hahaha! What a wacky send-up of Berkeley City Council! I’m chortling at the inventiveness of the Court Jester! [jamming gun barrel in mouth] [via obscure store]

Yeah, I really like that “jamming gun barrel in mouth” joke. Better get used to it. I am also working on another one that goes something like ”placing head on table, hammering at it until I pass out” but it needs work. Suggestions are welcome.

1999apr29. Privacy: Deja News monitoring email links

1999apr29. [Note] It has been suggested to me that the whole Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick job application question about describing the uniform’s “appeal” is actually a joke.

In that case, I find the whole thing TEN TIMES more repulsive. ”Look, we’re going to make you dance around in a uniform that even WE know is the subject of ridicule. And we’re going to pay you EXTREMELY WELL to do it.”

The Court stands by its earlier decision. Stare decisis. Ipsum lorem delectable.

1999apr29. Stomping around Japan

1999apr29. Stop the madness! ... Fruity, yet DEADLY ... See? It’s all themed – jamming gun barrel in mouth, remember? How many more amazing TOTALLY PLANNED THEMES can I make today? I’m James Burke, and this is CONNECTIONS! [suck]

1999apr29. Learned taste aversion. A friend of mine had heard that his wife’s 14-year-old sister didn’t like black olives, and knowing about the strong food sensitivities that ran in that family, asked her about it.

“Black olives? I can’t stand them! If you say that one more time I’ll puke!”
[pause. I mean, what would you do?]
“Black olives.”
“BLEEARRRGGGHHH!!!!”

1999apr30. World Paper Money mysteriously back online after multi-month disappearance. Check out: Canada (remember? Canadian month? Has it been SO LONG?), and especially Antarctica and even more especially this note ’cause MONEY’S GOT PEN-GUINS ON IT.

1999apr30. Mr. Pants provided a link to Putzmeister today, so I rolled around looking at all of the concrete pumpers from around the world. I don’t recall ever seeing one in Michigan, but here, in Concrete California, they’re all over the place. Check out that caption for the picture ... when was the last time you saw the word “profit” in a company slogan? Also, pay special attention to the collage – it appears as though a concrete pumper is hooked up to the jet.

“And now the flight attendant will show you losers how to properly use your oxygen mas---OH MY GODBLUGLBLUGLBUGH”

1999apr30. Beyond all of bad-taste bad-timing issues here, are any of these kids LEARNING anything BESIDES this life-is-fragile crap? I mean, look at all the damned BULLET POINTS here, if schools put HALF the amount of effort into teaching that went into this production perhaps America’s educational system wouldn’t be such a tragic JOKE

1999apr30. Mod trackers: music on the pc? IMPOSSIBLE!

1999apr30. Man oh LORDY what a sexy logo

1999apr30. What a bunch of NUTJOBS

1999apr30. (dead news link) Dead artist loses case against dead clubfooted CIA agent. What am I, ON DRUGS here?

1999apr30. “Yes, it’s being launched right now, and – hold on – and, well, it’s in space right now. Perhaps if you come back tomorrow. Yes, or maybe next week. It’s in space. It is floating in space.” (dead news link) $2.9 billion dollars, folks, three rockets gone. Does that set some sort of record? Most tax money wasted by explosions? The IRS better crack down a little more on taxpayers this year, we’ve got a ROCKET TO REPLACE.