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Cardhouse
macros2000.com

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1998oct05. You can set up the ICQ chat program so you accept messages from any random person. Most of the time (since I’ve set it for “male”) I get smut miners looking for The New Flesh, but sometimes leaving the channel open is worth it.

hey mark ... what’s card house?
See for yourself! ..
can i win money?????
CASH MONEY! YES!
i’m looking at it and all i see is a msg about a car getting broke into ... where do i go from there
LOOK FOR THE SECRET HULLABALOO SCREEN! CASH PRIZES!
oh ... ok ... i’ll let u know if i find it
GOOD LUCK, [icq number]!!!!
thanks

1998oct10. Two years ago, Doc found a usenet discussion about a “Shake N Bake” sample from a TV ad. Someone posted a WAV file, with a text message that said “Some of my friends told me I sounded like her, so this is me doing the line.”

Just today, Doc was looking for information about Ruddy Rodriguez, and he found a post somewhere that said “my friends told me I looked like her, but I don’t have a camera.”

There’s got to be a name for this affliction, I mean, other than general stupidity.

1998oct14. Mail.

an apple every three hours will keep three doctors away.
– drdog

Whatever you say, Dr. Dog. Is one of them YOU?

1998oct15. An unexpected phone call!

“Hello, I’m calling for the [city1] police department, they will be in a charity football game against [city2]’s police department. There will be professional football players participating on each team, [ ... five minutes later ... ] was wondering if we could count on you to attend ... “
“Will they be using guns?"
“Excuse me?"
“Guns. Will they be using guns?"
“This is a football game ... “
“Yes. But will the police be using their guns during the game?"
“They, they ... no!”
“Sorry, not interested.” [click]

Cardhouse: Skewing telemarketer’s world views since 1987.

1998oct20. Cardhouse and Y2k.

We here at the Cardhouse Interdiction Agency have been getting a lot of mail concerned about the Year 2000 problem. Like you, we take Year 2000 related issues very seriously and we are well into the process of addressing the challenges to ensure that we are ready for the new century.

Cardhouse began an aggressive Year 2000 Hostile program in early 1989. Realizing that the end of the century was only eleven years away at the time, our crack programmers began adding flawed, extraneous 2-digit date codes to existing real-time systems deep within the bowels of the airline, athletic, and television industries.

January 1st, 2000. No planes. No sports. No TV.

1998oct28. You’re Not Helping.

I’m really EXCITED about all of this photo-CD technology. I don’t like scanning pictures (truthfully, I don’t like spending any time doing any web-thing), so hey, pay some slob in a lab to do it. Premium prices? Great. So I called around. “Around” means calling the photo departments of supermarkets and drug stores, so you KNOW they’re really up on this shit.

SUPERMARKET

“I was wondering how much it costs to put pictures on a CDROM?"
“You mean a photo disk?"
“No, I know about that option. I mean a photo-CD.”
”The only thing this list says is photo disk, and that costs $4.99 extra ... “
”That’s not it, I’ve gotten that before. I know that you do photo-CD processing.”
”Yes, a man came in earlier, and it was really expensive, like fifty dollars!”
“Do you know how many photos were put on the disc?"
“No ... “

DRUG STORE

“Yes, I called earlier, and asked for information about the cost and resolution of photo-CD processing?"
”Yes, it costs $4.29 for the disc and $1.29 for each photo placed on the disc ... “
“And the resolution?"
Five ... “
“The resolution ... “
” ... is five, yes ... “
“FIVE.”
“Yes, five ... “
“Thanks.”

1998oct29. As I’ve just relocated to California, I’ve been dancing through the insurance hedge mazes again, getting nasty cuts and scrapes. Of course the agent just sent off a letter asking me if I wanted earthquake protection, and a good 70% of the policy covers “limited building code upgrade” – as a RENTER, that’s really important to me, just in case it turns out the earthquake was MY fault (get it? FAULT?).

I’ve studied the maps. My insurance agent is sitting right on a fault.

God, you know, now I’m going to get mail from insurance agents telling me exactly how “limited building code upgrade” is going to save my smart ass come the next big one.

There aren’t enough faults to go around.

1998oct30. YOUR POLICY DOES NOT PROVIDE COVERAGE AGAINST THE PERIL OF EARTHQUAKE.

“So my renter’s policy doesn’t cover earthquakes.”
“That’s correct ... “
”So what exactly does it cover? Theft?"
“Theft, and fire ... “
“So what happens if the earthquake causes a fire?"
“That’s actually covered ... if the house goes down in flames, you’re covered ...
“So, if a big hole opens up and swallows the whole thing while it’s on fire, I better have a video camera handy before it disappears.
“As long as it goes down in flames ... “

(2006: No more stuff = no more renter’s policy! See ya, vampires!)