1997may20. Tense Eviction Unfolds After Hostage Situation.
You may recall reading about my move to a house in November of last year. My housemate (lets call him Mike Jr.) had planned to live at that address for about two years, and I clocked in with the same estimate. The owner of the lived, at that time, in a foreign locale (rhymes with Texaco City) for a number of years. Intending to continue his stay, we arranged the deal through a mutual acquaintance, and shook on the deal without a lease.
From a tenants point of view, theres several good things about not having a lease (responsibilities, deposit, the law, etc), but theres one really slimy bad one. And thats the one when the owner of the house decides to move back to America because his father-in-law is kidnapped.
He ... we ... WHAT? Were being EVICTED because of a KIDNAPPING???In Texaco City, roughly one-third of the foreigners have been kidnapped (this is second-hand information and Im too lazy to look it up. I mean, Im not going there anytime soon, see) or have received a KidnapGram™. KidnapGrams are really bizarre. You (the VICTIM) receive a letter (from the KIDNAPPER) indicating that you have been specially selected to be kidnapped at a future date. Send money now! Avoid the rush to kidnap you! Most people apparently pay the money, because, hey, who wants to be kidnapped? Sure, I could get a few missives out of it, but Ive heard the food is lousy. Anyway, after they secured the safe release of poppy, they all decided to move up into exactly the same spot we were, not as many kidnappings of Michigrainians, I guess. When I was talking with the owner, I had to bite my tongue so I didnt ask him how much the ransom was.
[my hairdresser, later in the week]: Only you, Jeff. Only you.
I mean, thats what you were thinking the whole time, wasnt it?
Ransom ransom ransom. $ $ $. What kind of etiquette is involved? I mean, does Miss Manners cover this? Tactful ransom amount questions ... page 27. We just sort of sat around in shock for a few days. Then, of course, we went through the whole new house selection process. The highlight of this hoop-jumpin festival was Vinnie, the landlord who desperately wanted tenants who wouldnt paint the walls black. But hes not gonna get em, with his tough-guy demeanor and crappy house. After seeing way too many small houses, we found a two-story walk-up (that is, the top two floors of a three-story house) that seemed to fit our large space needs.
Moving is a complete pain in the ass. I have way too much stuff. Books, CDs, records, paper. Lots of paper. Practically no furniture, save a desk, a bed, and the Ikea HEVTVEN (Extremely Heavy Home Entertainment Center System valued at exactly 64 dollars). Actually moving this beast again so soon was beyond comprehension, so I reconfigured all the long boards into my own special MILKENSHELVEN (Shelving System Comprised Of Pressed-Wood Shelves and Milk Crates*). I started pitching stuff before and during the move. At one point I decided to toss my dresser out just to avoid moving it up the stairs. Mike Jr.s father (Bill) asked about the finish on the dresser.
My mom refinished it.While I was off moving some other stuff, Papa Bill examined the dresser. He had bad news for me.
Your MOTHER refinished it and youre getting rid of it?"
Well ... errr ...
I saw the back with the numbers on it ... this things an antique. You could probably get four hundred dollars for it.Hot dog! That thing is coming with me! This is something I NEED! Then I talked with another friend about the need to discard.
God I dont need all this stuff. I want a powerbook, and nothing else. One of my wifes friends only has a duffel bag filled with clothes and whatever.After we got almost everything out of the old house, I sat down in the sun room. When we first moved in, we thought we would have been spending many a carefree night sitting on this screened porch, drinking lemonade and fanning ourselves with orca chocolate bars. I ate an orange in the dark and smiled as a train trundled by, causing the house to shake pleasantly.
Oooh, is she married?"
Well, shes a lesbian.
Curse my stinky life!
A few days later and we still hadnt gotten half the stuff out of the boxes, making for entertaining mornings before work. And then, when guests came over, weoooo, how embarrassing ...
Wheres the Trivial Pursuit, oh damn damn damn! Curse my stinky life!The two women who live downstairs have identified Mike Jr. as one of the upstairs neighbors, but probably still believe that Im a phone repairman (an even longer story that, incredibly, Im not going to tell you). They seem pretty nice, except when they start rubbing all against me, like on Friends. Thats just wrong.
Just around the corner theres a bakery, a surf shop and a tattoo parlor. Mike Jr. and I will become fat curl-shooting bikers in six months! [cue Hawaii Five-O theme song, slow fade-out]
* Teens: possession of milk crates is a misdemeanor! Impress your friends! Show the local gang that youve got the right stuff"! Steal milk crates ... today! [disclaimer: not an endorsement to steal milk crates. Curse my stinky life t-shirts available at the Missive Gift Shop, or wherever finer t-shirts are sold.]
1997may20. Short Note About Dangerous Candy Bar.
I was in the supermarket the other day, riding the cart like a bulky skateboard, and I nearly smashed through a new floor display touting Endangered Species Chocolate Chocolate That Makes a World of Difference. They had all sorts of chocolaty bars there, with pictures of various endangered animals on em. An optional pamphlet explained the humanitarian mission behind E.S.C. (http://www.chocolatebar.com), and it had a few quotes from concerned childrens.
We shouldnt kill animals, we should pet them Ruby, age 6After reading this, I immediately snatched up The Orca Bar. The bar was black and white, but it didnt taste like an orca at all. I guess. Maybe orcas taste like chocolate. Thats probably why theyre endangered, stupid freaking orcas.