1996feb03. Kinkos Trash-Fishing And/Or WheeCut!
The holiday season, for me, is just another excuse to watch TV, with all the pageantry and goodness that is the Christmas Special. However, I find that with each passing year, I am able to spark the otherwise dormant Spirit O Christmas by creating my own Christmas cards at Kinkos. Last year, I brought in some clip art, did some intentionally-crude cut-n-pasting with a friend of mine, and had a good old time. This year, I resolved to enter the portals of Kinkos sans art, and see what fun I could have there with whatever was left in the garbage. Its closing in on Christmas, surely there will be ample holiday detritus, I thought to myself while eating Goldfish Tiny Crackers®. After spending a half-hour there, it was proving to be a heartless endeavor (a GM paint manual, pastoral spring scenes, some kind of flyer about a contest to appear on Home Improvement), until I found two pages from the Wall Street Journal (dec 21) at the bottom of the trashbin. Paydirt an amazing article on dragees, those kooky little cake-decoration silver balls with the non-edible warning right on the package! And the shape of the column was the same approximate dimensions (once reduced) as a postcard! A Martha Stewart quote baked right in! A Christmas miracle! But you probably arent surprised that the topic of this paragraph is the paper cutter I used at Kinkos. This paper cutter features a blade shielded by a grip-friendly block, running back and forth the length of two metal bars. You couldnt cut your thumb and two of your fingers off (like, say, my elementary school principal) without really wanting to. This paper cutter is the closest you can get to having sex as far as paper cutters are involved, and isnt that a lovely image. This paper cutter is wonderful. So perfect. So nice. Delicious. This is Gods paper cutter (oh, sure, there are those of you who would insist that God would use X-ray vision, or merely think the two pieces of paper apart with His Mind or whatever Hes got Up There, but Im of the opinion that the big G is a hands-on kind of Guy, maybe with a nook-like woodworking corner in His Basement Of Infinite Size [sure, if its a basement of infinite size, how can it have corners, you say, but these are the types of problems you run into when dealing with the omnipotent]). It, however, lacks a proper name. Safety Super Roller Cutter is what the nuts at South Coast Designs (714 997 7582) deigned this paper cutter, and I say the name sucks. I have rechristened this device The WheeCut (I pause here to note that it was during the fermentation period of this special name that I realized why people sometimes spell Wee with an h, to wit: Whee its actually to differentiate it from the classical definition of wee, i.e. small; this little bit of grammatical trickiness isnt needed if whee turns into an exclamation, e.g. Wee! Unless for some reason the speaker may actually be excited about something tiny, and in this case, just throw the h out the window, because no one will care but your chronicler. Oh, sure, you cant find a exultation spelled wee in the dictionary, but we all know and use Wee! with careless abandon, myself included; as Ive posited before and will posit again, English is my second language, and once Ive determined what the first one is, I believe my life will be a lot smoother). If you need an office supply fix and end up calling these people, offer the new name to them. Dont forget to charge them people are loathe to accept free advice, but they love to pay for it.