1995jul23. Mail.
Hey Day Care Directors ... [that’s us!]
Are your kids a bunch of little “hot dogs” in front of the camera? Oscar Mayer Foods Corporation invites your day care center to enter Oscar Mayer Day Care Talent Search '95 – a contest where your center has the chance to be a “wiener!” If your group of kids can “cut the mustard,” Oscar Mayer will send the famous Wienermobile™ to visit!
Just send us a videotape of your group of kids (ages 4-12) singing the Oscar Mayer Wiener Jingle (“Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener ... “) or the Bologna Song (“My bologna has a first name ... “) by September 1, 1995. Twenty “red-hot” 1st Place centers will win a Wienermobile pedal push car, and one “top dog” center will win the Grand Prize: a Wienermobile pedal push car and a visit from the famous Oscar Mayer Wienermobile!
Let’s do some hot dog math. According to the letter, the push car is valued at $115. The grand prize is valued at $400, so that “means” that the visit of the Wienermobile is valued at $285.
What a bunch of cheapos.
Given a chance to make a difference in an educational setting, possibly throwing some cash at the kiddies for new lab supplies (note to myself: maybe kids can make drugs in lab for me?), they instead blow their wad on glorious product placement. Tell you what, Oscar baby – cover all the bases, and make sure the passenger of the Wienermobile is a specially-trained Oscar Mayer tattoo artist! The kids will squeal with delight. [warning: I don’t like the flow between the previous sentence and the next one, so instead of actually using my brain and fixing it, I’ve cleverly disguised it with this dissonant musical interlude: la la leee la la fa ray mondo ta] The winning kids will stake their undying devotion to the whole Oscar Mayer food chain, while hundreds of losin’ kids around America tearfully pester the parentals to switch to Ball Park Franks. “Those lousy hot dog bastards,” one upstanding father grits through his teeth as the last packet of Oscar Mayer wienies is shoved through the Insinkerator.
I have also received a letter from one Fred Walker, #139389, of the Tennessee Department of Corrections. Mr. Walker asks for MY help with a problem.
Are you the same X MAGAZINE that was reviewed in SCREW #1325 (the July 25, 1994 edition)? If you are, I sent $3.50 to your Portland, Oregon address in August 1994 and never received any kind of response. Several months later I sent another letter trying to find out why I didn’t get the zine or my payment back, and that too was not answered or returned to me.
I wanted a copy of the issue reviewed in the above mentioned SCREW. I don’t see an issue number, but the cover has the words “PRURIENT APPEAL - A DARKER SIDE TO FASHION” over a photo of an attractive light-haired young woman being held from behind a dark haired guy. I’d like to get a copy of that issue if any are still available.
I found this address in FACTSHEET FIVE #53. If you are not the same X MAGAZINE, please disregard this letter. If you are the same magazine, let me know if you didn’t get the check so I can get the trust fund staff to get the money put back in my account. Thanks.
I have the issue in question; it’s nothing to write home about, save for the Barbie Liberation Organization article, but that’s just my opinion, you see, really not actionable as libel. But seriously, folks, this lackadaisical (I LOVE THIS WORD – my mom put it in a letter to my eighth grade wood shop teacher, Mr. Snow; why I remember things like this and not, say, the rest of eighth grade [save for those stupid multi-colored plastic-injection-molded big combs everyone would have comically sticking out of their respective back pockets {wait, I remember something else ... deely bobbers. Thank you.}], is a mystery I’m sure we’d all like to solve) stance taken by our sister magazine (whatever) is an affront to magazine publishers everywhere. I do it all the time! HATS OFF TO ALL THE X MAGAZINES IN THE WORLD! Was there a point to this paragraph? Buy the new Tricky album! Eat more fiber! Relax!