1995dec23. I recently (read: “within the last six months”) had a rendezvous with two of the nation’s finest tactical consultants, Ray and Jennifer, at a steak-oriented restaurant called “Damons.” Damons has been designed with the avid TV watcher in mind. Four large projection screen TVs face the main dining area. All the TVs are showing sports; one TV is showing a rollerblade-hockey match, which is in stasis while one of the players twitches in pain on the ground. “Pass the fries!”
There’s a small box with an antenna on our table. Ray explains that this is used in conjunction with an on-screen trivia game. An ad on the trivia game’s monitor is for Cuervo Gold: “On a bad date?” Hrmmmm. “Get plowed! Party ‘til she’s cute! Cuervo Gold goggles!” This is a bad ad, unlike the ad for Cuervo 1800, which simply says “wicked fine.” Makes me suddenly want to become an alcoholic.
The trivia game starts; Ray enters our team name (“WORTHY”) into the tabletop box. We’re competing not only with people in this restaurant, but thousands of other losers scattered across the United States and Canada. Technology, bringing people together. Another high-ranking contestant in this establishment is named “F-SPOT” and has a small mark next to his/her name. This person cares enough about the competition to have registered their name earlier.
The three of us form a triangle of educational power and quickly overwhelm the other contestants, except when I start screwing off. There is a momentary fight for the number one position with F-SPOT, but F-SPOT tailspins into the number four slot. We emerge as TRIVIA CHAMPIONS. Nationally, however, we placed 532nd. I guess we shouldn’t have been trying to eat at the same time. This restaurant also, unfortunately, has a DJ, tucked in a corner by one of the projection-screen TVs.
“And the big winner this round was WORTHY, topping out with 32948 points ... “
“Shut up!”
The post-game interview with Ray is candid.
“How do you feel about this win?"It is done.
“I’m jizzing my pants.”
“Can I quote you on that?"
“Yup!”