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1995apr18. Post Office Visits I Have Known (addendum).

Random Day, 1990: Arrive at Post Office, pick up X mail. Minutes later, mail bomb goes off.

Random Day, 1991: Arrive at Post Office, pick up X mail. After a ten-minute drive to work, I find my co-workers glued to the radio; an ex-postal employee just shot up the place. “But I was just there and ... ewwww ... “

April 15th, 1994: Arrive at Post Office, pick up X mail. Am accosted by person of unknown gender, dressed in (what appeared to be) a large eagle costume, passing out pads of paper and pens. The side of the pen reads:

UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE
Old Town District
“Service” is our last name.
April 17th, 1995: As staff Macro historian Neal M and I walk up, we notice a now-familiar tv news truck parked outside. Momentarily forgetting the day’s proximity to our nation’s fine tax deadline, I run through a quick mental checklist: “terrorists?” “ebola virus?” “comet?” Lot of people with suits on, can’t be any type of unexpected tragedy. Pick up the mail (a ton of bills), and I’m stopped as I exit by someone from Edy’s Ice Cream Inc.: “Want some free ice cream?” “Hell yes!” Neal already had picked up his share, and we had a fine ice cream eating time while watching a WHAT-TV greenhorn making the annual tax day puff piece broadcast. Someone from Edy’s slipped him a bar just before he went on the air, in a brilliant piece of product placement. Could you think of a more worthwhile job? I mean the ice cream people, not the reporter. Imagine, giving away ice cream, for free! Who’s going to argue with that, except those wussy lactose-intolerant gimps? This gets me thinking that this free ice cream gig is going to line me up with random babes, so I confront the elderly lady holding the big free ice cream bag:

“Can I give out some ice cream?”
“No. Only people associated with Edy’s ... my son works there.”
“Just three bars.”
“Nope.”
And RIGHT THEN, of course, she gives a bar to what was to be MY future WIFE in that PARALLEL DIMENSION in which MRS. FRUMPY didn’t have such an ATTITUDE!!! But I got free ice cream. Of course, as we’re leaving, somebody dressed up as an eagle gives me a flyer announcing a food drive. I’m having a problem with this eagle thing, I really don’t understand the motivation behind it. I think it’s my reluctance to relate the concepts of “taxation” and “freedom,” but don’t worry, I'll get over it. There was some sort of demonstration there, according to people I talked with later, but all I saw was a car plastered with placards that had the words “tax” and “Levin” jammed into various forgettable sentences. I rate the effectiveness of this demonstration to be 0%.

1995apr18. Much happiness. We just stopped into a local Japanese supermarket and pointed at things, mostly slogans written on sushi lunch boxes:

Selfish lady – for the original lunch scene

Unintentionally with individuality and nonchalantly with sensibility

Dream and romance, and the beauty of functional goods now we present you our new commodity.

They also had free calendars, sponsored by OB Beer. The picture for January/ February features a snow-covered mountain montage, with a woman in the foreground holding a can of “OB ICE,” a woman off to the side leaning on a snowmobile holding a semi-automatic rifle; in the background there’s a helicopter with a gunman hanging out of it. Beer! Guns! Armed babes! Daring he-man! Air travel! If they had ads of THIS caliber in the USA, I’d be stinkin’ drunk every day.

1995apr18. Mail.

Book Review Editor
X Magazine

Dear Book Review Editor:

Enclosed please find a review copy of SHE'S THAT UNIVERSAL LADY! by our author, Richard Poor.

SHE'S THAT UNIVERSAL LADY! is a romance novel that captures the impassioned suffering of the U.S. immigrant.

We believe that the underlying New Age theme of this work will be of interest to your readers and we are certain that you will favorably consider printing a review or listing ...

Vantage Press, Inc.