1994dec13. Route 66 Fiasco (part 1 of 4).
Editor’s Note.
This missive is completely
overshadowed by the recent death of the guy who did the “Girl From Ipanema.”
I mean, like composed it or something. What, you want facts? Anyways, he’s
dead now. Since this really has nothing to do with X Magazine, I might also
add that someone parked in my apartment space two days ago. So I parked
in another space, one of five devoted to some cheesy little shack next
to the pool called the “Community House.” I wake up the next morning, and
look in my spot, and MY car is GONE! That is, I had forgotten where I had
parked. Then I see my car with this huge dent in it; “ha! Some poor bastard
got his car smashed! Hey ... wait a second ... I'M the poor bastard!” Someone
pulled a hit-n-run, and took the time to wipe away his/her paint flakes
with their glove. I went around to the driver’s side, and there’s a note
on the windshield: “Hey! Maybe they felt guilty and left a note!” No, it’s
an envelope, from the City of New Town. Parking violation, fifteen smacks!
Mmmmmm, mmmm, forgot to eat my Golden Grahams that day! The guy parked out
there in my spot again TODAY, so I’m going to get some GO-JACKS tomorrow
and wheel him out to I-75. Speaking of cars ...
The Twelve Days of Xmag:
A special holiday journey, by a crazyman.
Okay, so you might recall
the recent X Mag Staff Car raffle. All of the entries have been received.
Here are some statistics:
Entrant farthest away from X Mag Staff Car: Doc.Doc WINS! He'll be flying in style on U.S. Air (“Five Times in Five Years: We’re Consistent!”(sm)) from Skittles, Arizona to lovely Chicago, Illinois around December 22nd. From there, he'll somehow get to Detroit (train? Greyhound? Pop Clogs?) and take posession of the Staff Car and Wagner, who’s been sitting around here waiting for about six months now. Then, the magic begins! Logic dictates that Doc should proceed immediately due South, since the X Mag Staff Car HASN'T GOT A ROOF, that is to say, we chopped it off so we could have a $75 convertible. Errrr, converted. Anyway, you or I, certainly in this situation, would head post-haste for warmer and more forgiving climate. Not Doc, whoa no, my dear reader. Route 66 is his thing, and unconfirmed reports at this time indicate that another infamous small-press magazine editrix will be accompanying him (not me, you fool! I’m a manly man-type he-man man man). I know what you’re saying at this point: “He’s insane, that Doc is.” One thing I know you’re _not_ saying right now runs along the lines of “How irresponsible of X Magazine to allow that poor feller to drive in such horrendous conditions! I think I, and my fellow readers, will bring forth a class-action suit!” You’re not thinking this, I sense, because of my phalanx of high-powered, bloodsucking, immoral attorneys. I mean, OUR phalanx. There’s a WHOLE bunch of us here, and we’re not afraid to pick up a stick or brick if the situation arises. Anyway, we will be providing CONTINUOUS and as always HILARIOUS coverage of this MIND-BLOWING event. If you’re feeling generous because there’s a lot of rampant commercialization going on right now, you can send some cash to X Magazine to purchase some nice tires for the Staff Car so Doc doesn’t pull a Chappaquiddick Ted in some god-forsaken hellhole. The brand of tires the car has now are called “Aquafun-glide,” so I’m kind of worried for the poor salty dog. Be a champ; screw the poor this year, at least we know how to celebrate the birth of Jihad Consumerism.
Entrant nearest away from X Mag Staff Car: Doc.
Only entrant: Doc.
DISCLAIMER: In no way do we mean to imply that Doc received a FREE airline ticket from X Magazine. However, we’re still sticking with that WACKY slogan, unless you’re a high-powered, bloodsucking immoral attorney from U.S. Air; if so, this is all SATIRE.NOTE: GO-JACKS are these stylin’ tire jacks that lift your car’s tires off the ground. They have mongo casters on them, so if you get four GO-JACKS and jack up all four tires, you essentially can move it anywhere you want; Grand Theft Auto, long version. I hereby nominate GO-JACKS as Product of the Year for 1994. Great for pranks! Shenk you.